Would you rather have a romantic and affectionate Dh or one who is supportive and a great father?

[Bringbackmybonnietome]

Ok I know you'd really want both.

But if you had to choose?

I have the latter.

My DH loves me, works hard, supports and encourages me in my career, does loads around the house, is devoted to our sons, does loads with them we have similar interests, views on life and spend loads of time together.

BUT

he has never been romantic and is not very affectionate. I complain about this and feel that I am missing out on something.

I think I should just really appreciate what I have with such a good husband, but still hanker after the 'romance.'

Which wold you choose?

Romance isn't a big deal for me - in fact I'm suspicious of it. I don't like games & 'romance' borders on the manipulative imo. My dh frequently buys me flowers - but only because he knows I love flowers, there's no attempt to score points from it. I don't consider that to be a romantic gesture, just kindness & consideration (same as me cooking a meal I know he enjoys or buying a book or cd that I think he'd like).

Affection is essential tough - I could never have a relationship with someone who is cold or undemonstrative, too much hard work. I like things to be straight forward.

I have vague memories of something in a Libby Purves book about trying to write a Valentine poem and finding this was what came out...

If we had world enough and time
This note would be a Valentine
Since married life is what we have
It's to remind you to bring home the haddock and the Sanilav

I would definitely choose the latter, but am glad my DH is affectionate, although not terribly romantic. I can count on less than one hand the number of times he's brought me flowers, but he does other sweet, if not romantic, things for me. Oh well, I'm not terribly romantic anyway and we do get away for a lovely weekend once a year or so.

mine is many of the latter, but no shared interests & not much conversation, & absolutely no romance/affection tho he is well-meaning.
It's kind of killing me a bit at the mo as I have peace & security & am dying for love.
But may not get that with anyone, so should I ruin mine/dd's/his life for that.....

Yours sounds ok tho. Sigh.

i'm with sadminster

Read this thread earlier and been thinking about it for ages. If I had to choose I would go with the latter. Someone I could trust, always had my back and stepped up as a Dad also.

I decided my probably DH fell into this group anyway as he's rubbish at romantic gestures unless instructed carefully, has no inspiration when it comes to pressies, and rarely does anything spontaneous. But then I realised, he is affectionate and romantic in his own way, little touches as he walks past me, eye contact across the room when we're out that confirm we're 'a couple', or at home when one of the dss does something daft, buying me a life sized cardboard cut out of David Tennant as Dr Who, sticking a sportacus poster over the bed . Not conventionally romantic I grant you but I wouldn't have it any other way

Procratinating parent that does sound an interesting book and your description seems to sum us up quite well.

DH definitly shows his love through acts of kindness, and does this in abundance really, but the words of love are thin on the ground.

I think he also appreciates the things I do more than the things I say.

Eowyn I think there are many marriages like yours, and mine, I'm in no way condidering leaving though, I know I have a very good man, but if it feels that desolate, it's a hard question to answer. Do you take a risk or settle for what you have? Dunno.

I have the latter and would stick, I guess, knwoing how transitory the first can be. Mind you, I do spend an unhealthy amount of time obsessing over David Tennant and Wentworth Miller (bet you can't guess from my other posts)

I think the supportive, good dad stuff is essential in a relationship. Romance and affection are desirable but a relationship can survive without them.

I think the points about different people having different 'languages' is a really good one. I also think women are often guilty of overlooking or discounting things which have been carried out thoughtfully with consideration (in the same way as most men are oblivious to dirt or mess in any form).

My DP is incredibly supportive and kind and I guess I am spoilt because he is also quite affectionate. But our relationship does have peaks and troughs because we're guilty, when tired or stressed, of losing a lot of the affection. Then we have to have a big chat and vigorous sex which puts us on the right road again for a bit

One thing I have learned is that for us affection and physical closeness generate more affection and physical closeness. So a lot of it is a question of sustained effort, but worth it.

I love your name!

i have both [smug emoticon]

my mum always used to take comfort from the fact that even tho my dad was a lousy husband to her (cheating from day 1) he was a GREAT dad to us, so 1 out of 2 aint bad...
as his kid, i reckon i agree, but still...

dp is pretty much all of them. definitely the first, and definitely supportive and BOY does he give his heart and soul to being a dad, bless him. not always too effective im(not so) ho... but his hearts most definitely in the right place. awwwww aint he great?? [can you tell ive had wine?]

I get both , but have to say that since having kids the latter is vastly more important.

I'm warning you all - I have many arrows in my quiver....

I'd rather have a romantic, affectionate DH than a Daddy. I have a father already, so no need to fill a gap. I want a partner for myself who'll spoil me with passion, love and affection. I'm confident in my own abilities to raise my children and am a control freak anyway...no one does it like I do

There's nothing wrong with having a DH who's only a great father, but for me personally that wouldn't cut it. I married my DH to be my mate, not someone who has a better relationship with our kids than with the person he's created them with.

The latter because you need support and your kids deserve a great dad more than you need hearts and flowers.

You can have the latter without the former, but you can't have the former without the latter, so the choice is a bit strange. If someone was just being romantic and affectionate with you and not supporting the home set up, or ignoring the kids, you would find the romance weird and creepy and empty. How would it work - on your child's birthday, he'd come in with a bunch of flowers for you and say, 'Let's get the little brat off to bed so we can snuggle on the sofa with some fine wine and chocolates?'

I have the supportive one.
I desperately would like allthe little romantic bits and bobs. But I know thats not him, and never will be. Believe me, its been tackled time and time again. Doesnt mean I dont love him and dont want to be with him. But it does mean I appreciate acts of affection from my best friend, as a kind of second-best subsitute! But I know its not the same.

i was lucky i had both,
i guess you could manage without the romance easier than without support but i wouldn't want to.

I think I have both, which is good, but if I had to choose I'd want supportive and good father. I could do without the hearts adn flowers but I could not do with all that if they guy was a shit and never helped out. That would do my head in!

i think i would want the former but how can you choose.