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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH has just left us in a new house miles from anyone we know, how can I best support my kids, advice please

111 replies

elastamum · 01/09/2008 21:41

We have just moved 150 miles away from our home of 10 years for my DH's work and I found out 2 weeks ago he was having an affair. He has since left us and says that he is not coming back. I am devastated, our kids started their new school this week and neither the kids or I have any friends in the area. What can I do to help them, they know their Dad is moving out but dont seem to have grasped why, should I just take them back to their old school or do we stay and try to make a new life near to where their dad will be living. Any one got any advice?

OP posts:
pedilia · 01/09/2008 21:44

What an awful situation to be in
If it were me and I was in a position to move back nearer to friends and family I would do, you will need all the support you can get right now.
Roughly what area have you moved to?

onebatmother · 01/09/2008 21:44

Oh Elastamum, how absolutely awful for you. I don't know what to suggest. What do you think the access arrangements are going to be? If they're only going to see him every 2 weeks then I would consider going back home where they will at list have the familiarity of school and friends to comfort them, and you'll have a support network.

REally sorry, my dear.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 01/09/2008 21:44

sorry dont really have any advise only you know if you will be happy where you are.

your dc's will make friends at school when they start. if you decide to stay you could join a course or get a pt job while the dc's are at school/with their dad and you will meet new people that way.

im soory your having to cope with this. good luck whatever you decide to do.

frisbyrat · 01/09/2008 21:44

If you can move back to your old home area, I really would. You poor thing.

ShinyPinkShoes · 01/09/2008 21:45

Oh you poor love

Whereabouts are you? Do you like the area at all?

My instinct would be to advise that you go home to where your family and friends are. You've had a big shock and you need the support of people you know and who know you.

Could you move back easily- are you renting your home?

petitmaman · 01/09/2008 21:46

Poor you. if you are really not sure what to do how old are dcs? can you ask them what they feel? but you have to consider yourself foremost. They are adaptable but won't be happy unless you are.

zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 21:49

that is very harsh and unfair

you must be devastated

if you could feasably move back ie you rent at the moment and you would have friends/family who could help you out in the coming weeks/months i would certainly consider nthat

Original poster
elastamum · 01/09/2008 21:52

Thanks, I have been looking at our options, unfortunately I am likely to be stuck with a house up north that we cant sell and im waiting to see if I can get my kids into their old school. My friends have been great but they are all 2 hours away. I wept when I dropped the kids off for their first day as they looked so lost without their friends. I dont know anyone round here at all so havent been able to talk to anyone about it except on the phone. Their dad is away a lot so they havent really noticed he is not here. I think he will see them every other weekend so it doesnt really matter whre we are although he could pick them up from school if he was nearby. I am so angry, he was having the affair when he got us to move

OP posts:
KiwiKat · 01/09/2008 21:52

I agree with Shiny - go to where you'll be with people who care about and support you, if it's financially viable. Am and for you, Elastamum.

AtheneNoctua · 01/09/2008 21:54

What a jerk! I'd go back if you were happy there.

zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 21:54

it is very tough

you could move back into your old house thyen?

i would truly consider it

and hold on to the anger for a bit as it can help you get things done sometimes

Anifrangapani · 01/09/2008 21:54

Where up North are you?

Original poster
elastamum · 01/09/2008 21:56

Thanks, I am looking at the possibility of renting this house out to rent another one back where we came from. We sold our lovely home though, and it will cost us far more to rent another one. The kids still say they prefer their old school but the teachers say they are both doing well at their new one

OP posts:
hecate · 01/09/2008 21:56

Whereabouts are you now? Maybe there are MNers near you, at least you could make friends.

But really, if you can find a way to move back, that would be best. Move heaven and earth to do it. How shitty of him to do this to you.

Original poster
elastamum · 01/09/2008 21:57

We are near Derby, the area is beautiful and the house is fantastic but it is far too big for just me and the boys and very isolated. The power keeps failing in the middle of the night!

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 21:59

oh sorry i misunderstood the house bit

i think you need to see how you could move back

Original poster
elastamum · 01/09/2008 22:02

I am looking into it although I dont want to talk to the boys until I have some concrete options. I will also have to get another job as I left my job to come up here and for the first time ever dont have an income of my own - let that be a lesson to me!!!

OP posts:
hecate · 01/09/2008 22:04

Do you think he planned it like this? Get you away from your support, make you dependent on him and therefore in his mind, less likely to leave?

Original poster
elastamum · 01/09/2008 22:06

No, I think he thought he could lead a double life and not get found out, its not the first affair he has had and he knew if he did it agin that would be it. I have told him we may well move away

OP posts:
msdemeanor · 01/09/2008 22:06

Go home. Right now you all need continuity and family. Call the school and explain what has happened and throw yourself on their mercy. Could you stay with your family until you sort out the house etc. What a BASTARD your h sounds.

onebatmother · 01/09/2008 22:07

Oh god, Elastamum, what an awful situation. That really is shitty of him.

You are being very brave. I think renting is the way to go. I do think, from what you've said, that it would be good for the kids to be back there.

zippitippitoes · 01/09/2008 22:08

you must be feeling overwhelmed

splitting up is awful, the betrayal is awful and moving is awful even when it is positive

i imagine you have stretched a fair way financially buying this now redundant property

are you good at working things out on paper financially

nkf · 01/09/2008 22:09

How shattering.
I think you need to do what you need to do to feel safe, supported and able to get on without him. And he needs to pick up the bill for that.

Original poster
elastamum · 01/09/2008 22:10

I can probably find us a house if I can get school places back. We all think my DH is having a bit of a breakdown since I found out as he is acting really strange

OP posts:
DwayneDibbley · 01/09/2008 22:10

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