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Original poster

My DH has just left us in a new house miles from anyone we know, how can I best support my kids, advice please

111 replies

elastamum · 01/09/2008 21:41

We have just moved 150 miles away from our home of 10 years for my DH's work and I found out 2 weeks ago he was having an affair. He has since left us and says that he is not coming back. I am devastated, our kids started their new school this week and neither the kids or I have any friends in the area. What can I do to help them, they know their Dad is moving out but dont seem to have grasped why, should I just take them back to their old school or do we stay and try to make a new life near to where their dad will be living. Any one got any advice?

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Original poster
elastamum · 04/09/2008 21:43

Thanks everyone for your support. He was so mad yesterday he refused to pick the kids up from school as he promised and just went off. They were so dissapointed. This makes me so cross No matter how desperate and sad I am feeling I have to put on a smile, go to the school where we know no one and pick up the kids and make them feel good about themselves and their day. And that ladies is the difference between men and women. We simply dont get to wallow in such self indulgent shit as we have children to look after. He ran to speak to them today and is still angry with me. And you know what, I simply dont care. Off to have another sherry before bedtime

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Original poster
elastamum · 04/09/2008 21:43

Thanks everyone for your support. He was so mad yesterday he refused to pick the kids up from school as he promised and just went off. They were so dissapointed. This makes me so cross No matter how desperate and sad I am feeling I have to put on a smile, go to the school where we know no one and pick up the kids and make them feel good about themselves and their day. And that ladies is the difference between men and women. We simply dont get to wallow in such self indulgent shit as we have children to look after. He ran to speak to them today and is still angry with me. And you know what, I simply dont care. Off to have another sherry before bedtime

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Original poster
elastamum · 04/09/2008 21:44

oops, sherry getting the better of me there!

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Kewcumber · 04/09/2008 22:08

what a shit - he sounds like a younger version of my dad

onebatmother · 04/09/2008 22:16

Very cross on your behalf elastamum. I hope you get a chance to tell him how disappointed they were. Well done for not caring that he's angry with you (for no bloody reason).

Vian · 05/09/2008 05:27

Men are emotionally immature. Their emotions are actually quite primitive and really just revolve around their dicks Deep down he is probably mad at himself and knows he is a shit so he transfers that onto you. It's not likemen like him can just be honest with themselves and admit that they are stupid and pathetic.

But even so, I would still love to kick him in the nuts for you.

Beetroot · 05/09/2008 07:36

Let's not start men bashing - let's talk individuals - and you x does not seem to have any redeeming qualities ! And I think you need to take good care of everyone as he is not going to

lou031205 · 05/09/2008 08:18

Elastamum, I am almost certain that in this situation you would be eligible for housing benefit, even with the house in Derby

Original poster
elastamum · 05/09/2008 10:24

Thanks all, this thread is really helping me. It is raining hard today but I did get to chat to some mums at drop off so feel I am starting to get to know people. I also have a rescue party of girlfriends coming for lunch and I am away for the weekend as DH is looking after the kids so I will get some time to think. I dont think DH is inherently a bad person I think he has lost his way and I dont recognise him from some of his behavior at all. He is being very harsh and unkind and also feels I am being unfair and punishing him by not letting him have what he wants in terms of money. But I have the kids to look after and no job so I am just going to stand my ground on this and let him hate me for it if thats what he chooses to do. We will just stay put in the house and tough it out here if thats what it takes

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TheCrackFox · 05/09/2008 16:44

Vian - you are so right, he is angry with himself so transfers it onto Elastamum.

Elasta - a rescue lunch and a weekend away sounds like a great plan.

Alfreda · 05/09/2008 18:21

Have a good weekend elastamum. Thinking of you.

Original poster
elastamum · 07/09/2008 20:26

Have just got back from weekend away having left DH at home with kids. House a tip, no one has done their homework and none of the uniform or sports gear washed. He has now gone after further lengthy discssion re money. Have also told him that I wont tolerate bad manners ie ignoring me or not speaking, in front of the kids. Feel very weary as now have to clear up mess before estate agent comes in morning and sort out games kit for school. DH also forgot to collect wet sports kit from school so will have another lot to do tomorrow. Cant wait for him to get his own place although I bet he wont make such a mess then. He has obviously decided that if he isnt living here he wont tidy up.
On the plus side I did have a fab weekend with old friends from uni and feel revived to face another week. Am hoping we can get an agreement with solicitors drawn up re house money etc so he will get out of my hair and we can start to move on.

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AbricotsSecs · 07/09/2008 20:58

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HappyWoman · 08/09/2008 09:16

glad you had a good weekend - you need to somehow make him take responsiblity for the care of the children too.

Thinking of you

Original poster
elastamum · 08/09/2008 10:43

Hi Thanks HW. He rang later and I did point out the mess he had left. He will probably only be here with the kid only one more time before he gets his own place so not long to go now. I am focussing on getting an agreement signed so we can split our assets and go our seperate ways. Feel much more positive today. Am making sure I get enough sleep and also eat well and walk the dogs. One good side effect of all this stress is that I have lost 1/2 stone and got my waist back

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Alfreda · 12/09/2008 20:15

Thinking of you elastamum, hope it's going OK.

Original poster
elastamum · 17/09/2008 19:37

Im knackered... I have worked sooo hard this past couple of weeks to get the DC's to their new school, run everything at home, deal with H and all our associated issues and try and make some new friends. No joy on selling the house, I cant do anything until DH signs the papers he has been promising to do for weeks. This morning I went to a new mums coffee morning at school and although I put on a brave face I felt crap. If only they knew....... After which I took the dogs up the hill and had a little cry in the rain

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HappyWoman · 17/09/2008 20:33

Do allow yourself the time to grieve for what you have lost - crying is good.

I know my situation is different but i am sure it will get easier.

Dont be afraid to ask for help either - this is not your fault and people will really want to help.

Good luck to you, thinking of you.

kama · 17/09/2008 20:44

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justabouthadcurry · 17/09/2008 20:47

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneLieIn · 17/09/2008 20:52

I am sure you will bounce back. Is there any way you can go back to where you came from? Any friends or family you can call on to help you?

you can always leave him with the house.

Original poster
elastamum · 17/09/2008 23:30

Thanks all, he was here tonight to see the boys and was such a w**ker that I have only just stopped crying. He seems to see our situation as just a problem to be fixed so he can move on to whatever he has planned. He was talking about how i could easily earn a huge salary again and how I should get an au pair - seems to have completely overlooked our kids in all this He is sooo nasty to me at the moment it is heartbreaking

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HappyWoman · 18/09/2008 07:18

Oh i feel so angry on your behalf - i remember when my h was on a self destruct mission. At one point he said life was not going the way he wanted and he would rather take a chance by 'throwing all the balls in the air' and if he dropped some -he would deal with it later. The excitment of not knowing what life would throw at him was more appealing than the slog he said he was in at the time.

Trouble is some of those 'balls' were his children and he hadnt thought that i might just not allow those ones to fall. twat - his words now about his appalling behaviour.

Hang on in there - you are doing well and one day he will see that too. Be true to yourself and take care
Thinking about you.

ladylush · 18/09/2008 09:55

So sad to hear how you have been treated by you h and if you ever come back to Surrey and need to chat to someone in the area who's got experience of uberwankers, please feel free to get in touch Back with my uberwanker now, but it was heartbreaking to think he could start playing around just after we had moved to our ideal house and were making changes to better our lives.

Like HappyWoman my h was on self-destruct. It makes me so that they get to self-indulge, like you say. Whilst we are there being strong and coping despite whatever shit life throws our way - which it seems to quite often ime. When things go crap for them they look to us for support. When we look to them, they go and shag about Ok ok I am generalising.............sorry

Alexa (who often pops up on these threads) knows a great divorce lawyer who is apparently expensive but worth it. Don't know if you are ready for that........ though from what you say, it was over when he decided to cheat again. How old are your boys?

Wrt to the expense of renting in Surrey, can you not sting h for that? Afterall, you gave up your job for the family. Otherwise, you would've been able to afford the rent. You sound very strong (though that doesn't mean you have to be - good to cry and get it all out)and I'm glad you are not feeling guilty and standing your ground wrt financial issues. What a shit to sulk to the extent of not picking up his children

I wish you all the best

Original poster
elastamum · 18/09/2008 19:45

Thanks LL and HW. I have got a v good lawyer and we are trying to negotiate a setlement. I am going to file for divorce to protect my kids interests as I think there is an OW out there and I dont want them to do us over further down the line. As soon as it is all signed we will make our own plans. I have found a lovely counsellor and I have started looking for jobs.(although I am not telling him that..) This morning I even got a call from a headhunter that I havent spoken to in years which perked my confidence up no end. We are away with friends down south this weekend and on Monday I am going shopping for power suits so I can look fab and glam when I am out trying to get a job. I will not let this uberw**r grind me down

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