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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH has just left us in a new house miles from anyone we know, how can I best support my kids, advice please

111 replies

elastamum · 01/09/2008 21:41

We have just moved 150 miles away from our home of 10 years for my DH's work and I found out 2 weeks ago he was having an affair. He has since left us and says that he is not coming back. I am devastated, our kids started their new school this week and neither the kids or I have any friends in the area. What can I do to help them, they know their Dad is moving out but dont seem to have grasped why, should I just take them back to their old school or do we stay and try to make a new life near to where their dad will be living. Any one got any advice?

OP posts:
BreeVanderCampLGJ · 02/09/2008 10:32

I hope his balls cube fester and fall off, but only after he has agreed to all of your financial requirements.

rrrayray · 02/09/2008 10:49

So sorry for you Elastamum.....

Have you joined your mumsnet local? That should help you find new friends with kids in the local area.

HappyWoman · 02/09/2008 12:12

So sorry for you, i expect your h is going through hell too - as he knows he has messed up for good now.

You sound very strong and together - and it sounds as if your friends are good too.

I think i would move back and then take the time to do what is for the best.

Children do adapt well - my eldest had 4 different schools in just under 3 years - but none of the other upheaval yours are going through.

Thinking of you.

Original poster
elastamum · 02/09/2008 19:04

Well it is now pouring with rain. Waiting to find out about schools but estate agent doesnt think their is much chance of selling the house so we may be stuck fro a bit. No sign of DH, hoping he will at least ring to talk to the kids. have had a bit better day today, trying to be positive and not just sit and mope whilst the kids are at school

OP posts:
MissCocoChanel · 02/09/2008 19:17

what about your idea of renting out the new house, elastamum? Did you ask the estate agent about that?

You're doing admirably, I think.

Original poster
elastamum · 02/09/2008 20:28

Just talked to DH, he is not interested in discussing our relationship or counselling he thinks 'it is best for all of us' if he leaves and just wants to talk about money. It is heartbreaking. What an uberw**ker (great term) Am looking at renting but it costs twice what we will get for this house to rent where we came from so wont be easy. am going to put the kids to bed and crack open the sherry

OP posts:
milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 02/09/2008 20:48

Not much to add but much sympathy to you, you sound very together and strong so am sure you will find a way through this.

Your H however sounds like a coward

MissCocoChanel · 02/09/2008 20:53

oh, bollocks. Sorry to hear that elastamum. Do tell him, won't you, that if he wants to leave in these circumstances he should at least have the courage to speak for himself, and not for you: it might be best for him, but it is certainly not 'best for all of you'.

Have you any savings that could top up the rent you'll get in Derby to Southern levels? It would at least to give you a chance to find your feet and look for a (smaller?) place to buy where you were before?

DwayneDibbley · 02/09/2008 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
elastamum · 02/09/2008 21:31

Im sure there is a lot more going on here than he is admitting to, but i suspect that I will never get to the bottom of this, At the moment my priorities are the kids and getting us all to a place where we can be happy. Sherry going down nicely thank you

OP posts:
Alfreda · 02/09/2008 22:13

More support here, elastamum. What a horrible situation for you.

You'll come through it though, you sound strong and sane. Which is more than could be said for the uberwanker ;)

sunflower1 · 03/09/2008 03:03

If am reasonably local to you and have just split up with my husband at weekend if you feel like going for a coffee let me know

arfishy · 03/09/2008 04:27

How awful for you Elastamum, I'm so sorry.

I think I would go back if possible. How frustrating about the house. How do you feel about it? Would you miss it (ie was it a sort of dream move?)if you moved away or aren't you that bothered?

Beetroot · 03/09/2008 08:43

what would you get for renting out your house and mvoign back to familiar surroundings?

At least you would have a property which is a great investment in the long term.

AbricotsSecs · 03/09/2008 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Kally · 03/09/2008 09:14

I feel for you. It seems like he did it and in his mind, like this... I set her up in a beautiful new home, better area.. I didn't leave her down in the doldrums in a crappy place..
Use that to your advantage. I came back to the UK and went back to my old neighbourhood thinking that friends and family were the answer for support, (which for the initial period they are). But then routine sets in and you are left to deal with what you have. I now, by choice, left my old neighbourhood and live in a better area. DD at a nicer school and I got myself a little job, met new people... It takes time but you sound strong. I still get my comfort from family and friends but really you have to do the repair work, and having a better house/school/area, in the longrun, is a major advantage. It hurts like hell, but look at it longterm, then make your decision. Kids do settle in quickly and it'll be different by next Spring you'll see. Where ever you go right now, it is still going to hurt. Good luck and be strong and sensible.

Zazette · 03/09/2008 09:29

How long ago did you leave your old job? if recently, might they have you back? A friend of mine did that once, in somewhat similar circumstances - her old post hadn't been filled, and her employers were delighted to have her back! Good luck, whatever you do from here.

Original poster
elastamum · 03/09/2008 14:05

Thank you for your messages and support. Unfortunately cant go back to my old job as company no longer there. Had meeting with DH this morning and he left in a rage after I told him what I wanted in terms of the house, money etc. Wondering if he will stick to his side of the bargin in terms of what he has agreed to. Am holding it together, in a funny sort of way the more horrible he is to me the stronger I feel about dealing with it all

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 03/09/2008 14:08

well done elastamum for holding it together

remember that if he changhes tack

have you got legal advice?

magpumpkin · 03/09/2008 14:32

Oh my goodness - this was me 8 years ago. My husband( now EX) moved myself & my 4 year old son from surrey to Derbyshire then left us after 2 months. I was gobsmacked. Could not believe he would or could do somehting like this to us. There was no warning - he worked away so he didn't really live in the new house much. I begged him to reconsider once but he told me he had fallen out of love (had another woman). Every conversation we had made me so much stronger. The worse he was the stronger I got.I found myself a partime job,sold the house, unfortunatley could never afford to move back to Surrey so had no choice to stay in Derbyshire. I made some lovely friends - start talking to other mothers dropping off & picking up at school. 8 Years later I sold the house bought my own, have remarried a lovely guy and now have another child.Life will get better just stay positive.

Original poster
elastamum · 03/09/2008 18:59

Crickey Magpumpkin, your story is so much like mine. We are also in Derbyshire, perhaps that is where B***ds go to abandon their families . I also suspect that the OW is still behind him pulling his strings. I have taken legal advice and interestingly so has he and he came armed with his legal opinion on what he thought me and the kids were entitled to so I think it is downhill all the way from here. Your story helps me feel that I am not completely mad. Will keep hanging in there and doing the best I can, just off to get the kids to finish their homework and do the washing up. Might squeeze in a glass of sherry though

OP posts:
KiwiKat · 04/09/2008 13:54

Hi EM, just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. x

magpumpkin · 04/09/2008 17:11

I suppose I was lucky in the end, as he felt so guilty I got everythign out of the house. My solictor dealt with evertyhing. You will get legal aid so use it. I know you don't want to think about divorcce when you are still so raw, but he has to support your children and provide a house for them so keep your chin up and speak to someone who knows about these things. A barrister finalized my deal I even went for the endowment and got that along with a good monthly allwoence for DS. It was hard for DS but I never bad mouthed EX, just tried to explain that he fell out of love withme but not him. That was hard especially when I found out he was having the affair for months before he moved us 200 miles north. He stayed down south so he very rarely got to see DS, which is his loss as DS is fantastic. He does have a realationshio with DS but they will never be as close as DS is with StepDad.

onebatmother · 04/09/2008 17:34

Thinking of you too, elastamum.Hope you're feeling ok.

Vian · 04/09/2008 17:44

OMG how dare he have the nerve to get upset and leave the house in a "rage".

Sounds like the dumbshit was so busy thinking about his dick that it never occured to him that he is still legally going to be finacially responsible for the children he made. Asshole. He is a man. Men have higher earning potential than a woman. They especially have more earning potential than a wife who has been abandoned by her husband with young children to support. Therefore the law will make him pay.

How dare these dipshits abandon their kids and leave their wives, breaking the hearts of those who love them the most then get mad because it isn't all going their way. Ohhh poor baby might have less £££ to spend on slut because he has to be responsible for his kids.

Don't take any shit from him.