Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

So angry

142 replies

HoneyBrush · 25/08/2008 13:57

I live with my DP and we both have children the same ages (10 and 8). We live in the catchment area of the worst secondary school in the city and for a couple of years I have been panicking about this and saying the him that I really think we should move before the eldest kids hit secondary. He's never seemed that worried however and has always brushed the conversation off with "it will be ok, don't worry"

Anyway I was talking the DSS this morning and asked how he felt about this school which both he and my son are due to start next year. He just looked confused at me and said "dunno, not really thought about that school" so I said "how come?" and he said "I won't be going there will I?". I asked what school he thought he would be going to and he said the name of a private school. I asked what made him think he'd be going there and he said his mum and dad told him ages ago .

Anyway to cut a long story short, it turns out that DP and his ex have had plans for their kids to go to this school all the time so have never had to worry about the catchment of this crap school I asked DP why he didn't tell me and he said "I thought you'd be mad" of course I'm fucking mad, all the time I've been saying we should move house and you've refused to discuss it just because you know you have your kids covered, what about mine?

I can't afford to send the kids to private school, neither can their dad and DP has admitted that he can only afford to pay for his own kids.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know we all have to put our own kids first but this to me was really underhanded and cruel. Now his son is going to be attending private school next septembr whilst poor DS is left with the worst school in the city.

OP posts:

charliecat · 25/08/2008 13:58

I would be utterly raging too.

Original poster

HoneyBrush · 25/08/2008 14:00

It wouldn't have been so bad if his kids went private but we'd moved into a better catchment so hat my kids were ok too but its the way he refused to discuss that and now I know its simply because he already had his kids education covered and the way it seems is that he didn't give a shit about mine.

I'm sorry but two young lads leaving the same house next september, one going to the best school in the city and the other going to the worst? I don't think so.

OP posts:

AvenaLife · 25/08/2008 14:02

KiwiKat · 25/08/2008 14:06

That's really underhand.

CarGirl · 25/08/2008 14:06

Utterly raging, completely not on - I think it would probably be the end of the relationship for me, can you quickly move house to be in a different catchment area - go and squat in a bedsit or something?

He is so out of order, you could have moved years ago to sort this out.

Is he going to be able to contribute fairly to your joint household if he's paying out for school fees?

ShinyPinkEELSwithShoesOn · 25/08/2008 14:07

Good Lord

I honestly don't think I could stay with someone that did that

youcannotbeserious · 25/08/2008 14:08

Absolutely furious. Agree with Cargirl. Would signal the end of the relationship for me too.

So out of order it's unbelieveable.

You are SOOOO not being unreasonable. I'd be so mad I'd be unable to speak.

In fact, I am mad FOR you, and I don't even know you

KiwiKat · 25/08/2008 14:08

What else has he been misleading you about? Or do you think this is a one-off?

Jackstini · 25/08/2008 14:10

Would be utterly fuming at both the deceit and the feeling that he didn't give a shit about my kids. for you.
CarGirl has a good point about his household contributions too.
You have a few months to do something about it - make sure he helps you every step of the way and owes you big time. If you are still willing to be with him after this that it....

youcannotbeserious · 25/08/2008 14:10

In fact, I would simply INSIST that a condition of this relationship continuing was that finances were reordered to allow your DS to go to the private school to.

Anything else is simply unacceptable.

and, being perfectly honest, it's never going to work having two boys - one of whom goes to a private school and one of whom doesn't They are going to hate each other, most probably.

objectivity · 25/08/2008 14:15

I agree that this is awfully underhand of him and also shows very little regard for you, or rather an overbearing sense of self preservation despite you.

I don't know what on earth I would do in terms of the relationship now if I were you but it was either a one off huge mistake or indicative of his inherent lack of thought or feeling for you. Only the former is forgivable I'd think.

As far as the school situ is concerned, although it will be difficult living together with one child going off to the supposedly better school whilst the other trundles off the poorer school, I think you perhaps ought to shift perspective in order to manage your feelings. There are some fab teachers in the very poor schools and there will be a diversity that your dp's children will not experience. I went to both private and state schools and both have been valuable to me in different ways. I no it's not ok really but maybe think of some pluses in order to help?

BitOfFun · 25/08/2008 14:16

I am speechless !! I agree with ycbs - ther should be some serious re-jigging done here so you can sort this out.It's not anyone's god-given right to go to private school, but the fact he scuppered your chances of doing what you felt was best when you could is just boggling.

objectivity · 25/08/2008 14:16

know not no

Original poster

HoneyBrush · 25/08/2008 14:19

To be honest I am seriously wondering if I can be with him after this. I mean, they already have the first years fees apparantly (both going halfs) so he's managed to save up thousands without me knowing, all the time he's known how desperate I am to move and how worried I've been about the school situation. I have told him that I want to be out of this area before the year is out and I WILL be in the catchment of our chosen school (our is me and DS1) whether he comes with us or not. The annoying bit about it is that we both work and so in a way I have paid towards these fees too whilst my own son has been worrying about being dumped in a shit-hole school.

Thing is, even if we did move into the catchment its still not going to work out fairly, one private and the other state...its just wrong and unfair. Looking at it that way I'm wondering if this really has spelt the end of our relationship. He doesn't even seem remorsful.

OP posts:

ShinyPinkEELSwithShoesOn · 25/08/2008 14:22

I'm sorry but what a complete and utter arse.

The more I think about it, this would definately spell the end for me.

Jackstini · 25/08/2008 14:23

The lack of remorse would do it for me I'm afraid.
How do your finances work now? Do you currently pay equally for bills mortgage etc. and have your own money to spend/save or are you saying it is actually some of YOUR money that is in his savings account ready to pay his ds's fees?!
How easy will it be for you to move - do you rent/own/council?
There are pros and cons to private & state schools so would not worry too much about this part if it is a v good state school.
Am far more concerned about his total lack of respect for you and your children

CarGirl · 25/08/2008 14:24

Perhaps you should stop contributing immediately to the shared finances and tell him you only have a year to save up the whole first year fees for your son so you can't help towards the family finances anymore. That is effectively what he has done not treated you all as a family.

ElectricFlightAttendent · 25/08/2008 14:25

Oh God how awful for you and your son

I would be with most people on this - he isn't showing commitment to your child, so I think it is fair to say he has no place in your family - sorry to say that.

Have you means of separating, if it comes to that, without too much upset to you and your child? Whose is the house?

thirtysomething · 25/08/2008 14:38

it sounds as if you have a lot of thinking to do about lots of things. first and foremost do what you have to to sort the school situation out. then have a good look at your relationship and how you work as a family unit.does DP generally favour his kids over yours or could this be down to his ex? I would be absolutely livid about this but at the end of the day it's up to you whether it's worth working things out or not with him.

andiem · 25/08/2008 14:42

would be the end of the relationship for me particularly as he shows no remorse about it and as you say he has been saving money whilst you have presumably been paying household expenses

youcannotbeserious · 25/08/2008 14:56

Honeybrush.

I feel sooo for you.

As you say, he has been underhand for a long time in order to save the fees and (even if you get to a better catchment), it's not fair that one child is sent to a private school but another to state. This is NOT a private v state argument. Just the message it sends to the kids.

As I said before, your DP should either work out how to send your DS to the private school too, or I absolutely believe you should end the relationship now.

His behaviour has been absolutely terrible. In the extreme. And the fact that he's prepared to save himself an argument at the expense of your son's education is totally fucking breathtaking.

I honestly do believe I'd swing for him.

Have you asked him what his considered view is? For your DS now and for the younger two?

What a complete shit, Sorry but he is.

expatinscotland · 25/08/2008 14:59

YANBU.

I'd honestly ditch a man like this, tbh.

youcannotbeserious · 25/08/2008 14:59

Nd honeybrush - sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but moving from a bad school that you've been given a place to to a good school you haven't (even if you move) is certainly not guaranteed.

I can't believe that someone who professes to love you and knows this is something that concerns you, could do something like this to you.

Sorry, but you should tell your 'D'P that he is a totally and utter shit.

CarGirl · 25/08/2008 15:03

I'm assuming as her son is 10 that they haven't applied yet and will apply in October time which gives her a couple of months to relocate pronto. Perhaps he didn't want to relocate to a more expensive area for a better catchment because then he couldn't have afforded to save up the school fess

twoluvlykids · 25/08/2008 15:04

What a terrible situation. He's been very underhand in this, and you're right, you have been unknowingly contributing to the private education, one way or other. How would your dc feel if he knew?

Poor, poor you. He's been a total arse.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6