So angry

[HoneyBrush]

I live with my DP and we both have children the same ages (10 and 8). We live in the catchment area of the worst secondary school in the city and for a couple of years I have been panicking about this and saying the him that I really think we should move before the eldest kids hit secondary. He's never seemed that worried however and has always brushed the conversation off with "it will be ok, don't worry"

Anyway I was talking the DSS this morning and asked how he felt about this school which both he and my son are due to start next year. He just looked confused at me and said "dunno, not really thought about that school" so I said "how come?" and he said "I won't be going there will I?". I asked what school he thought he would be going to and he said the name of a private school. I asked what made him think he'd be going there and he said his mum and dad told him ages ago .

Anyway to cut a long story short, it turns out that DP and his ex have had plans for their kids to go to this school all the time so have never had to worry about the catchment of this crap school I asked DP why he didn't tell me and he said "I thought you'd be mad" of course I'm fucking mad, all the time I've been saying we should move house and you've refused to discuss it just because you know you have your kids covered, what about mine?

I can't afford to send the kids to private school, neither can their dad and DP has admitted that he can only afford to pay for his own kids.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know we all have to put our own kids first but this to me was really underhanded and cruel. Now his son is going to be attending private school next septembr whilst poor DS is left with the worst school in the city.

Yes, of course she can't force him to repay her. But I do think that if he point blank refuses to repay her then she will know for sure that he has been knowingly taking her for a ride and considers her to be a cash cow. Then she can leave knowing she is doing the right thing for herself and her boys.

When he goes out to work, dig out his bank statements to see what you can learn. Photocopy if you can, and put in a secure place. It's underhand, but the situation calls for it IMO - his refusal to share the info with you points to the fact that he is being/has been dishonest.

You need to decide if you trust your OH or not. If not, then you need to think about what you want for the future, especially regarding schools for your son as that is time-critical.

If deep-down you trust your OH and want to stay with him then you need to discuss with him how let down you feel and see what he suggest regarding the schooling situation.

But honestly, if he cannot see it is unfair to send two boys from essentially the same family unit to two schools at opposite ends of scale, then you need to assess where he will put your child's needs in future.

He has been living rent free so he can save money for his son's first year of school fees. Which means he will need to continue with that arrangement in order to get the fees for subsequent years.

I would tell him that in that case you need to have completely separate finanaces and contribute equally to the cost of running the home from income. Any remaining income can be used for personal spending such as school fees.

Actually, I would say that if he can't have a sensible conversation with you about his deceit then your realtionship is seriously on the line.

Sorry that you are in this position.

Oh gosh this gets worse, I am so sorry. It is so classic to whine about being in debt and then get straight back into it again...you poor dear. How long have you known this man?
Please do as everyone else does - you need to start putting yourself and your children first and totally wipe him from the moral equation. You aren't responsible for his money problems - reclaim what was/is yours, immediately if you are able, and harden yourself to him innerly - but don't let on if you can possibly help it, it ounds as though he would thoroughly exploit that as an opportunity to grab whatever he could and leave you in the poo.

No morals, no shame -what a bastard
I hope saying that doesn't make you feel worse.

I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation, please act now to protect yourself and your children, give notice on the tenancy whatever you need to do - has he got anything of value you can sell etc?

I am so sorry but he has been in intentionally cruel to your boy.

He obviously didn't want to move as that might take money away from his kid's private school fund. He obviously chose the "my kid in the best school and her kid in a shithole" rather than both boys in a decent state school.

Nothing in the world is more important than your child's education and self esteem.

It is going to be so awful for both boys to live in the same house etc with such a difference in education. As others have implied, your child is going to feel like a second class citizen in his own home.

I would dump that bastard.

Listen to youcannotbeserious.

She speaks sense.

Clear the account out TOMORROW (seeing as banks are closed today).

Start a new account in your name.

You're renting and you're paying the rent? If his name is not on the tenancy agreement, kick him out.

Forget about the money you gave him to clear his debts. Consider it a lesson hard-earned to never ever give money to a partner without a written agreement.

That money is gone.

Time to start fresh.

By getting rid of this moocher who doesn't give a flying fuck about your kids.

Or you, for that matter.

I'm with BecauseI'mworthit.. I also really don't like telling people on MN to leave their partners, because we are commenting on one tiny aspect and don't understand the whole picture...

But I really think this says so much about your realtionship. THis has nothing to do with education, but everything to do with perception.

How is one child supposed to deal with the fact that another is worth so much more than him? If it had been the agreement when you got together, then fair enough, but your son is bound to feel done over (primarily because he (like you) HAS been done over by someone he should have been able to trust) It's obvious that your P feels that the state school is beneath his son, so why should it be OK for his step son?

ANd, dollius - if the P won't share his bank statements, I'd say it's pretty damn obvious he's playing the OP.

OP - Please don't even stand for one second for your P to tell you that you are being unreasonable / ranting / petty / paranoid.

He has lied to you and has had his children lie to you. What sort of lesson have his kids learned? That they are worth more than your kids... That they do not need to listen to you or to respect you... That they can lie to get what they want.

I am SOOO angry for you and for your DS. Has your P ANY solution? Presumably they (him and his EW) have a plan to send the 8YO to private school too... so they have money for THAT... Use THAT money to send your 10YO to private school now and work out a way to send both 8YOs in two years time.

What sort of a relationship do you have with his Ex?

Can you get by financially and practically without him? Doesn't sound as if he contributes much financially to your family.

How long have you been together? So sorry, btw. Must be shocking to discover that you have been wilfully and systematically deceived for quite a long time.

He may very well start kissing OP's arse now because he may not be able to send his kid all the way through a secondary private school without OP's financial (and unwilling)help.

Definitely listen to Expat.

Either he is incredibly stupid and has the emotional intelligence of a sewer rat or he is playing you and sacrificing your kid for his own.

Listen to Expat... She is so clever!

No matter what, sadly, though, Vian, he played the OP. Fleeced her, lied to her for years and was happy to see her son go to a shite school so that he could keep on living rent free to pay for his own kids to go to private school.

That's just such fuckwittage.

What a bummer for the OP!

yes, far too late for arse kissing now...

The especially crazy part is he knew she'd find out the deception when it was time for the two boys to actually go to school. Wonder how he thought he'd explain/justify - or if he hoped/expected that his dp would just 'get over it'.

i'm wondering what he was going to say when his ds started at the school the things people keep to themselves astound me. I mean he will be having to pay for 2 children to go once dc2 reaches secondary age. Surely if he can't afford the fees for one he'll struggle with 2.

I agree with others, sort out the finances now. If you do end up staying together(after moving!!) then you need seperate accounts and pay the same amount into a joint, bills account, then the spare money is yours. You'll end up with more spare as you earn more. And won't be paying private school fees

Just holding out for as long as possible.

I found out DSd2 had been enrolled into private school when the acceptance forms were delivered to our house (I only opened them because DSD1 had been banging on about her school and I thought it was what she was waiting for).

That happened on a Tuesday and the kids had been with us the weekend before and nothing had been said... in fact, DSd2 had mentioned it, but stopped herself... when I picked it up with DH, he said 'urr... dunno'

But, it's important to add, it didn't affect me financially at all and DH does and will provide for our DS just as much as he does for his daughters. And it still hurt to find out like that.

In this instance, I think the OP would have mitigating circumstances for extreme anger. I really do.

Just adding my shock at your situation. Please take heed of the advice posted here. Like so many others, I'm reluctant to judge an entire relationship based on one incident, but this is is APPALLING behaviour which goes to the core of your relationship. Where's there ever going to be trust again?

oh crikey moses

I don't think I can say it any better than expat has done

he has lied to you and is remorseless

you know what you need to do

It does sound awful but what do other people do?
Presumably this must be common if you get together with someone with kids who is richer/poorer than you.

Surely the exwife of Honey's dp would also go nuts if she thought he was funding private school for Honey's kids?????

Reminds me to never split with dh, that's for sure....

Moondog - I am sure that this is quite common... where there are step kids etc.,

I really don't think that's the problem here.

It's not the fact that one child is going to one school and one to another, it's not the education they will receive. To me, that's not the problem.

The problem is, the OP's partner has deliberately and conciously sold the OP and her son down the river to secure his own's son's private education.

That the OP thought that her partner's child was going to the same school and it now seems the reason the partner wasn't at all bothered about moving was because it didn't / doesn't matter TO HIM.

THAT's the problem here.

And the fact that it would seem that the OP's partner has helped himself to the generosity of the OP to ensure he has the funds for HIS CHILD(ren) at the expense of the OP's children.

Really, that's my take on it.

I hope the OP is OK. I'd never condone violence, but think I'd swing for this guy if I found myself in this situation.

Ok, I get that.
But, even so,Iamwondering how it is for other folk.

(He sounds like an utter prick, tis true)

He sounds like an utter shit.

Will you be able to trust him with anything now? I wouldn't.

I think you need to make yourself a plan tonight and consider taking some time off work tomorrow to put it into play-starting with sorting out banking/savings stuff.

This must be the most awful shock so take care of yourself x

moondog I don't know what other people do either

he is perfectly within his rights to spend his money on private education for his kids

but in that case he should have said "My kids are going private, but yes, let's move so that your children can go to the school you want"

rather than going "tralalalala" and not giving his dp any respect about her children and their plans for the future