So angry

[HoneyBrush]

I live with my DP and we both have children the same ages (10 and 8). We live in the catchment area of the worst secondary school in the city and for a couple of years I have been panicking about this and saying the him that I really think we should move before the eldest kids hit secondary. He's never seemed that worried however and has always brushed the conversation off with "it will be ok, don't worry"

Anyway I was talking the DSS this morning and asked how he felt about this school which both he and my son are due to start next year. He just looked confused at me and said "dunno, not really thought about that school" so I said "how come?" and he said "I won't be going there will I?". I asked what school he thought he would be going to and he said the name of a private school. I asked what made him think he'd be going there and he said his mum and dad told him ages ago .

Anyway to cut a long story short, it turns out that DP and his ex have had plans for their kids to go to this school all the time so have never had to worry about the catchment of this crap school I asked DP why he didn't tell me and he said "I thought you'd be mad" of course I'm fucking mad, all the time I've been saying we should move house and you've refused to discuss it just because you know you have your kids covered, what about mine?

I can't afford to send the kids to private school, neither can their dad and DP has admitted that he can only afford to pay for his own kids.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know we all have to put our own kids first but this to me was really underhanded and cruel. Now his son is going to be attending private school next septembr whilst poor DS is left with the worst school in the city.

Total C U Next Tuesday, utterly unforgiveable. Your poor DS, must feel like step-father doesn't give a shit about him. Leave him.

Oh, I think I may have misread the OP - I thought there were 4 kids - two aged 10 and two aged 8, but I think perhaps the 'D'P's son is 10 and the OP's son is 8, which would give her a chance to move before the issue is critical...

Is that right, HoneyBrush?

If your partner's (sorry, simply cannot refer to him as a DP) not willing to compromise, you should see a solicitor. As you say, he is squirreling money to pay for his son at the expense of your life.

You must sort this ASAP, and I really hope that you've found out in enough time to get it sorted.

I would be soooo angry re this too. How long have you been together? I can't believe that a DP would make such a financial committment and not discuss it with you? What does he have to say for himself??

Do you have any joint money/savings? If so, take it now and put into your own account.

This man clearly cares nothing for your children - and presumably, therefore, nothing for you.

Get out and find your own place in the right school's catchment area. Even if it's a crummy bedsit, get out and start to put your own children first.

for you - this man is a real wanker.

I would feel that he saw me and mine as sub-standard and second-rate. Not even second-rate, because if he wouldn't move so that your son could attend a better state school, your son's need don't even register on the scale, do they? Your DS's future doesn't count, so long as his DS is sorted.

Sorry, don't want to be hurtful, but I am sitting here sneering at the behaviour of your DP. Underhand, devious, cowardly and any other negative words you can think of.

Yes, do as BIWI says. And take any paperwork etc. Put it somewhere he can't get at it.

Do you earn reasonably similar salaries?

I know you mentioned your ex (DS's dad) - is he in a position to help at all ( I don't mean just financially, but does he live in a better area or anything?

It also sounds like he has a relationship with his ex-wife that I would be very unhappy about. She must know the situation that you/he are in surely?

Has any of your money gone towards these school fees as well?

so you live together but do his dcs live with you too or with their mum? dont really understand how this could all have happened without you having a clue?? didnt your ds go to some form of orientation for his new school / you go to an evening for new parents / have to fill in forms for new school etc. etc.?? didnt you wonder where dss was when all that was going on?

I can totally understand how this happened. Something similar happened to me.
CFA - I think OP's son is younger than the partner's child, so why would she compare the two?

Only, in my case, the step kids knew about it too and they lied to me about it too....

Suppose that's why I feel so strongly about it.

I have a sinking fear in the pit of my stomach that he's been fleecing me for money. I earn more than he does and there have been a few things that have happened in the past to make me think this. Like I paid off his credit card as he said he was almost suicidle about debt then straight afterwards maxed it out again. In the early stages of our holiday he kept going on about how he's always wanted to take the kids to florida but could never afford it so I paid half and we went. I have been paying the rent on this house and most of the bills simply because I thought he had no money.

I said to him just now that I want to see all his bank statements and he's refusing to let me see them. The way we work is that all our money from both wages goes in the joint account, bills get paid (inc. savings) and then the rest gets split into seperate accounts. This is why I feel like I have been paying towards these fees because my money has been used to save them.

We have 4 children between us, each of us have a 10 year old and an 8 year old. It is the 10 year olds that are due to start secondary next year. Choices are to be made in Oct I think.

His kids have known for ages about this school but by the looks of it where told not to mention it. I'm wondering if he's purposely been using us to get this money together. He's refusing to discuss it and said I'm being unreasonable. I said our only option is to save up for my DS to go to the same school and he just said "oh for fucks sake, stop being so petty" I said I will be saving regardless so he'll have to pay more towards the household than he has been doing so he said "fine, I'll move out then". I'm so fucking angry.

He later apologised for saying that but added that he couldn't afford to pay more than he already does. He's taking me for a fool, I know.

Sadly, you're right, he's fleecing you. Get some legal help regarding the money in the joint a/c, as he's behaving like a total moron.

Horrible situation for you and your dcs. And his, tbh, if you were all happy together.

Honeybrush, first thing tomorrow, clean out your joint account. Then let him move out if he so wishes.

I really would not trust him with your finances seriously. In fact if you have a internet banking transfer the lot to your own account. Dont wait for him to do it first.

Tell him to pay you back the money you spent clearing his credit card and the additional rent you have been paying which has enabled him to save for school fees. He can't say he doesn't have the money because he admits he has saved up a school fees fund. If he says "Oh no, that money is for school fees" say "Do you think the bank would see it that way if you were in debt to them? No, I don't think so. You owe me money, so pay up."

Then move yourself and your sons to the catchment area of your preferred school.

Just do it. You will feel better for taking control of the situation.

He has treated you despicably - I can't see how you can continue in this relationship. If he thinks you are petty, then be petty - get every last penny you have over-spent on household expenses back from him.

Okay you need to be clever about this.

For starters- withdraw all the money from your presumably joint? savings account and put it in one that is your name only.

Yes, HoneyBrush.. he's taking you for a fool.

You earn more than him, but he can afford private school and you can't? Yet, you are paying rent and bills and holidays, but he's not?

He's a weasel.

I thought from your OP that there were 2 10YOs and 2 8YOs. Does this man realise that he has effectively knackered your 10YOs education for his 10YO? Can I ask what your kids think about this?

See a soicitor and have a court demand to see his bank statements.

As I said, I've been through something similar (but nowhere near as bad, I have to add). I simply don't think you can (or should) forgive him this. It's unforgivable.

Simply, truly, horribly unforgivable.

How long have you guys been together?

I'm so sorry for you.

That's a really selfish and worrying attitude your DP has got there. I'd be fuming.

Also whislt you are sorting your finances out, be really nice to him, so he doesnt suspect.... It's you and your kids, as he clearly doesnt care.

If he cant afford to pay more towards the household then he cant afford school fees.

You must feel so betrayed. You know that you must prioritise your son.

My DH and I have our own salaries and pay enough for bills into joint account. Anything left over stays in our own accounts. Change to this model immediately and then your OH wont be able to draw on your money.

Is this your own computer that you post from?

If so, password protect it as soon as possible.

If you use s ahared computer clear the history after every use.

You need to do some damage limitation in my opinion- and start planning a new future for yourselves

I think now's a good time for him to be completely honest with you and for you both to get everything out into the open.

You need to find out what he earns, is he contributing half to your household expenses? As long as he's paying his way then how he spends the other half is down to him. You shouldn't be subsidising him so he can pay school fees without consulting yo though. This is very wrong and decietful (sp?).

To put 4 children through private school is very, very expensive. What does he plan on doing with his 8 year old?

He shouldn't be in a position where he is giving preferencial treatment to his child and not yours, however you are both free to spend your money as you wish after contributing half to the house.
His actions towards you and your son are very nasty and spiteful. He needs to discuss this because you are not being unreasonable. You have every right to find out whether your money is going to pay his child's school fees. Your children are also part of his family now though and he shouldn't be giving one without the other.

I always refrain from telling people to leave their partners on a forum. I dont see how you will ever be able to trust this man again though as he has so little regard for your child/ren.

Being in a relationship needs trust and some understanding of joint goals. Your DP seems to be merrily doin his own thing with little regard for you or your children. He needs a big reality check .... Good luck with sorting thigs out.

OMG, how awful. I'm sorry but like everyone else has said, this would be a deal breaker. He is sneaky and underhanded and going by your last post, you will end up being in the wrong and being unreasonable.

I assume fiancially you are able to get out if you need/want to?

I'd let him move out TBH. Not much help really, but i hope you manage to sort this for you and your DC.

I'm sorry, but you can say till you are blue in the face 'pay me the money I've spent on you' and he can say 'no'.

You aren't married and, given yiou earn more than him, don't have much chance of getting a court to have him provide for you.

But, do ack swiftly. Move everything you can into your name. Change the account your savings are paid into and DO NOT pay for him.

what do you WANT to do? going forward? Do you see any future for the two of you? Does he have ANY plan as to what will happen to your 10 YO or is it simply a case of 'I'm alright Jack'

You are being petty?! That beggars belief.

If the children have been dragged into this as well then this is really dreadful. There is obviously no commitment into trying to create a second family unit here - you are just a meal ticket for him and his children. Possibly his wife as well.

Withdraw any funding for anything other than half of your legitimate expenses, immediately.

I really hesitate to tell women to leave their partners on MN, but in this instance I don't see how you have any option - either practically (as you need to get into the right catchment area) or emotionally.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and that you have been doubly betrayed by your (D)P.