So angry

[HoneyBrush]

I live with my DP and we both have children the same ages (10 and 8). We live in the catchment area of the worst secondary school in the city and for a couple of years I have been panicking about this and saying the him that I really think we should move before the eldest kids hit secondary. He's never seemed that worried however and has always brushed the conversation off with "it will be ok, don't worry"

Anyway I was talking the DSS this morning and asked how he felt about this school which both he and my son are due to start next year. He just looked confused at me and said "dunno, not really thought about that school" so I said "how come?" and he said "I won't be going there will I?". I asked what school he thought he would be going to and he said the name of a private school. I asked what made him think he'd be going there and he said his mum and dad told him ages ago .

Anyway to cut a long story short, it turns out that DP and his ex have had plans for their kids to go to this school all the time so have never had to worry about the catchment of this crap school I asked DP why he didn't tell me and he said "I thought you'd be mad" of course I'm fucking mad, all the time I've been saying we should move house and you've refused to discuss it just because you know you have your kids covered, what about mine?

I can't afford to send the kids to private school, neither can their dad and DP has admitted that he can only afford to pay for his own kids.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know we all have to put our own kids first but this to me was really underhanded and cruel. Now his son is going to be attending private school next septembr whilst poor DS is left with the worst school in the city.

I'm sorry that you've had to endure this deceit.

I do see where moondog is coming from as I wouldn't expect my DP to foot the bill for DDs school fees / uniform/trips. But then I definitely wouldn't expect him to pay for my share of living expenses so I could pay the fees myself.

It would be totally different if his ex was paying 100% of the fees which she isn't.

He does sound like a total Stopping you from moving to a better place while he has this plan already when you're paying the rent. I agree with others that you need to take stock of your finances.

You still have a few years if your child is 8 to move etc so it's not too late.

Take care. x

my take is pretty much the same as youcannotbe's.

he lied to the OP for a long while so that he could use her for money to fund his child's private education.

he got his children to lie, too.

he's obviously lying about his financial situation because he tells her he doesn't have money so he can live rent-free and got her to pay off his credit card and pay his current bills but has enough to pay for a private education.

then when she brings it up he get nasty.

OP, you have about a month to get this sorted.

i think CarGirl's suggestion is a good one. if he is not on the tenancy, put in your notice first. clear out that account and stop all credits going in there and debits, too.

get another one in your name to put your money into.

then show him the door.

'You still have a few years if your child is 8 to move etc so it's not too late. '

She has a month. Her elder child is 10.

he wasn't honest, moony.

fair play, you both have kids and what not.

but like Capp says, he blatantly played the OP so his kids' interests would be served at her and her child's expense.

I agree, there's no room for lies - how can you ever believe anything he says from now on? There's some really good advice here, hope it helps with the practical side of things but know it won't take away the pain of your relationship being ripped apart like this. Make sure you look after/protect yourself and your dc first, then get some good friends and family to give you the love, hugs and wine that we would give if we could.

Absolutely it's about the deceit, they could have discussed this a couple of years ago, moved house and it would all be okay even though one would be doing private and the other state because it would have been done openly - although I'm not sure her dp could have paid his half of the fees without her generousity.

But howcan people not sort this stuff out??
Did Honey not see any paperwork pertaining to this or here about dss visiting (or not visiting) the shite school??

It's the deception that's the problem.. Seriously, nothing else. I'm not making this a problem of private v state schooling.

It's not cheap to put a child into private education and (even 50:50) you are looking at £500 per month.. So, that's £6K per year.

Really... Please look at your own life, your own relationship and tell me: Could you HONESTLY hide £6K from your DP / DH? It's unlikely, so the only way is to hide it DISHONESTLY.

And to do that, knowing that it meant your SS would have to go to a really bad school, that you could have prevented if you had given the OP enough time to move but (it's likely, but the OP hasn't actually said it) the allocation is already made. ....

Could you live with yourself knowing you had done that to someone's child... someone you profess to love?

really?

MOondog - WOuld be perfectly reasonable to assume that the Ex was sorting stuff out and (as has been said) the boy was told not to say anything.

'Really... Please look at your own life, your own relationship and tell me: Could you HONESTLY hide £6K from your DP / DH? It's unlikely, so the only way is to hide it DISHONESTLY.'

And then turn around and lie to him/her and say you have no money for rent and bills?

Or put on a big song and dance about how your debt is making you suicidal, then max out your cards again when he/she pays off the balances?

Blimey, was he??
SZoz,didn't see that.
Fucking outrageous.

Oh, I would be soo angry. Your poor DS.
DP has bben deceitful and selfish

"She has a month. Her elder child is 10."

Sorry I thought I'd read that there were only 2 children involved & his was the older one.

No, sadly, there are 4 children involved.

They each have two children from previous marriages - each has an 8 and a 10-year old.

There are 4 children, they have 2 each, 2 are 10, 2 are 8.

That's awful.

I hope OP is Ok. Sometimes I think the worst thing about these situations is when you suddenly click that the person you have built your life around has been fleecing you all along. The amount of anger and disgust that fills you with is extremely painful and hard to take on board.

That's why a lot of women don't want to leave abusive partners imo - they are afraid of their own feelings that they have 'allowed' (for want of a better word) it to happen for so long - far easier to pretend nothing is out of the ordinary - especially if there is a chance they'll not be allowed to express their anger at the perpetrator because he has done a bunk or shuts down emotionally if they try.

It's a very hard thing to face when you are betrayed.

Honeybrush we are all thinking of you and here to listen if you need us x

yes flight is right

the OP will be having it hard enough without us banging on about it

I think we have made our point now and I hope Honeyblush gets things sorted out to her satisfaction with regards to her childrens' future

and moony please reengage your cynicism

of course he didn't visit the school. Since when do the blokes do the sorting out? His ex went.

I betcha

Agree with Flight and CAppucino.

HoneyBrush - we are here for you.

ycbs xx

Ok then,did Honey's own ds know about this. If he,like his mother was under impression hisstepsibling was going to that school, was he not comparing notes/chatting about it?
Do these step kids live with Honey?
Or if not, wasn't Honey saying
'Honey son, what does my dp's son think of the school?'

I just can't work out how it has only come to light at this late time.

Having a certain amount of discretionary spending money that you don't have to account for each month is one thing. What it sounds like Honey's 'd'p has been doing is something entirely other.

Petty - about where your child goes to school? I don't bloody think so. What a horrible situation. Honey you say "I know we all have to put our own kids first" but in such a situation they are all your own kids. My step-father would rather have died than play favourites with his own children over me and my brother, which is quite how it should be.

I can't add anything else to the feelings of disgust and outrage already expressed by everyone else ..... at the cruel and deliberate deceit visited upon the OP by her so-called "D" P. And then, on top of that, which would be bad enough, the hard fact that her older son's education has been jeopardised because of his determination to get the best for his son, no matter who he shat over in the process.

In stepfamily situations, there are always going to be awkward situations where 1 set of kids is perceived to get, or actually gets, a "better deal". This is somewhat inevitable in 2 households as each will be run differently to a greater or lesser degree. But - in a normal, loving relationship, the adults concerned do their utmost to minimise the effects of such disparities upon the children, and do so by seeking solutions, being utterly honest and using tact & diplomacy with the children themeselves.

In an abnormal situation, 1 of the adults adopts an "I'm alright Jack, sod you" approach - and then cons and lies to ensure they get what they want. It's inhuman when there's a child involved.

I know Honey you must feel sick to the stomach - with worry about your son's future, and with the shock of this huge betrayal (including the 1000s (by the sounds of it) which have also been siphoned off to achieve this). I can only echo everyone else who is urging immediate damage limitation to protect you and yours. Whether or not this "leaves him in the lurch" I would consider that irrelevant compared to what's been done to you and your child ........ all you wanted was honesty and a sensible solution to a concern, you weren't asking for the moon. You have got to do whatever you possibly can now to make the best of a horribly worrying situation, regardless of how it effects him.

I appreciate this is your "partner" we are talking about but I am another who can't possibly see a future with him for you. He has shown no remorse and has treated you, the woman he supposedly loves, with utter contempt - as he has done your son. If you remain with him, you will be reminded of this every single day for several more years as the kids set off for school each day and the resentment and hurt will just keep growing. I think this is one situation where there is NO excuse, and no possible way you could ever forgive him - and how could you maintain a relationship with someone like that ?

I am so so sorry. Please get legal advice as soon as you can.

Thanks everyone for the replies. sorry if typing is off, ahd a few to drink.

im going to cut it short, he went out in a mood saying i was being selfish insisting that my kids went private just to "probe a point" and i was going to mek us all skint so he went out n a mood. I went through some drawers while he was out looking for school info and statements . didn't find any sschool stuff or statements but did coem across his mobile phone. had a look on there and there were messages from today to his ex wife saying "shit has hit the fan, dont know how im going to pay the rest of the fees". so by the looks of it he has been relying on more time to fleece more money for this.

I am going to bank tomorow to get the money from the account put into mine and am looking for a house in catchment school. seen a couple on the net so Im hoping to arrange a vewing tomorow.

I think its over. feel sad for his kids too, they did know. my ds told me dss had mentioned the school to him but said he didn' want to go and it doesnt seem like they enjoyed being deceitful.