So angry

[HoneyBrush]

I live with my DP and we both have children the same ages (10 and 8). We live in the catchment area of the worst secondary school in the city and for a couple of years I have been panicking about this and saying the him that I really think we should move before the eldest kids hit secondary. He's never seemed that worried however and has always brushed the conversation off with "it will be ok, don't worry"

Anyway I was talking the DSS this morning and asked how he felt about this school which both he and my son are due to start next year. He just looked confused at me and said "dunno, not really thought about that school" so I said "how come?" and he said "I won't be going there will I?". I asked what school he thought he would be going to and he said the name of a private school. I asked what made him think he'd be going there and he said his mum and dad told him ages ago .

Anyway to cut a long story short, it turns out that DP and his ex have had plans for their kids to go to this school all the time so have never had to worry about the catchment of this crap school I asked DP why he didn't tell me and he said "I thought you'd be mad" of course I'm fucking mad, all the time I've been saying we should move house and you've refused to discuss it just because you know you have your kids covered, what about mine?

I can't afford to send the kids to private school, neither can their dad and DP has admitted that he can only afford to pay for his own kids.

Am I being unreasonable here? I know we all have to put our own kids first but this to me was really underhanded and cruel. Now his son is going to be attending private school next septembr whilst poor DS is left with the worst school in the city.

call the bank now and tell them to cancel yours cards before he goes and takes £250 more from you.

get to the bank ASAP first thing in the morning and open another account in your name. have all your direct debits transferred to the new account and w/draw anything in there.

is the tenancy in your name?

if it is, give notice to your landlord tomorrow that you'll be leaving after the rquired 30 days - assuming your tenancy is now rolling month to month.

then kick him out.

don't bother arguing with him anymore tonight.

pretend to be asleep.

you need to get the drop on him FIRST thing in the morning before he fleeces you for a penny more, the fuckwit.

you don't need to see him anymore.

he has been planning this, as you saw from the texts.

i'm sorry this happened to you, but COVER YOUR ARSE first.

sending you strength vibes

I am so sorry he has done this to you please just get yourself into practical overdrive to get everything sorted urgently, deal with the emotional fall out once you've secured your finances.

Hugs.

Oh goodness Honey. Agree totally with expat. Make sure you're up at the crack of dawn to get to the bank.

You do not deserve this and nor do your children.

i see you already have an account in your name. good.

you can even get online and transfer all your credits and debits into that account and transfer all the money in the joint account to it, too, if you have online banking.

next, look at homes to move.

CarGirl's right, you can deal with the fallout once you've gotten yourself and your kids the hell out of there and are in the new catchment area by October.

Could you not apply to your school of choice and if they ask about your address tell them your moving there and are currently looking at properties. Or would that not work?

I do agree re finances, empty out joint account, if you do it yourself take proper ID with you or they'll send you back (I know it sounds daft, but havign been there, and driven to near tears because I didnt have my passport with me to make a proper withdrawal, I thought I'd mention it). You can ask your new bank to take over DD's for you, you wont need to do much legwork for that.

You poor girl

You get to that bank the minute they open before he gets in first.

Thank goodness you found out now anyway, not that that's a bright side...but still.

'Could you not apply to your school of choice and if they ask about your address tell them your moving there and are currently looking at properties. Or would that not work?'

IME, doesn't work. especially not in desireable catchments.

OP wanted to move anyway, but the partner was too busy shearing the golden fleece.

god poor you. this is really dreadful. do remember also that children can change schools so if your ds has to start at this one, he doesn't have to stay there - you can still keep looking and saving. good luck.

i think you found out in the nick of time.

he's not paying the bills or rent, anyhow, the twat.

I'm really sorry things have worked out for you this way. I'd telephone the bank tonight and do all you need to do. I'd also lock the bastard out of the house.

You and your children can recover from this. We are all here for you if you need a shoulder.

An especially ludicrous part of all this is that he is scrambling deceptively to pay his portion of the private school fees. How in the world did he think he was going to come up with the sums needed for future terms once you knew his 'game'? I feel sorry for his son too.

Expat is right - go to bed now, or pretend to be asleep when he comes back. Don't discuss it further tonight, or tip your hand to what you've got planned tomorrow (especially as you've been drinking and emotions are high). You must get to the bank first thing in the morning, and before him.

Sad to say too, that caught red-handed he is displaying no guilt or remorse.

Before bed. Have a cigarette and a big glass of water.

If you have online banking, log in and transfer every last penny to your own account, tranfer all the credits, too, and the direct debits.

Hide your copy of your tenancy agreement.

Then take some time to wash your face and brush your teeth properly.

Take two paracetemols and another glass of water.

Go to bed.

change your passwords, too.

put an adminstrator password on your laptop or PC, too.

do it all before bed.

i found out a man i thought i loved was just using me, too, and i got rip roaring drunk and he went out on his own.

but then i got a grip for the hour or so it took to get the drop on him.

If you phone them up they can transfer it there and then. You should have telephone banking with the internet banking.

What an absolute cunt. Sorry, there is no other word for it.

By the sounds of it - "shit hitting the fan" - his bitch of an ex wife was also in on this - happy to collude in his deception by not warning you he was fleecing you. Which presumably is "acceptable" in her eyes so long as her precious bloody son is taken care of (I appreciate it's not the child's fault of course).

Presumably there were a number of cosy little chats about the school fees plan in which he reassured her that he'd be able to meet his share by conning you, by wriggling out of his fair share of the bills and so on. Otherwise he would not have made the reference he did. What a bitch, to condemn your son so hers was alright.

Your poor thing ...... I'm almost afraid to say this for fear of adding to your distress, but this "man" has also been keeping this very nasty little (well, huge) secret from you with his ex wife, which is entirely inappropriate, on top of everything else as his 1st loyalty should have been to you.

It may not seem like it at the moment and I know it sounds a bit trite, but thank god you found out now ....... I suspect his deception may have continued past October, perhaps even feigning that his son was also going to the grot school so he could have fleeced you for even longer. I am so so heartbroken for you, even though I don't know you and a similar-ish betrayal happened to me (though not on such a contemptible and huge scale) when my "husband" of a thankfully very short lived marriage also conned me out of money, and, very long story, lost me and my son (not his thank god) our home several years ago. That sort of thing hits you like a train as it's almost impossible to believe that someone could be so utterly heartless and coniving. I could have made a very bad situation slightly better had I acted with the same sort of ruthless selfishness he'd shown towards me once it came to a head ...... but fear (of him) and disbelief paralysed me for a short while. I hope you can find the strength to do everything you need to do.

I don't know what your relationship with your son's dad is like but I would also be seeking help (be it practical, emotional or financial) from him about this if you can - after all, he should also have a vested interest in what happens next for your son. If I can offer you another word of advice, please don't let any "embarrassment" prevent you from disclosing what's been going on to him, or anyone else who can help you get through this. (I know you've not said anything about this, but IME, I felt appalled at myself for not seeing it coming, not being stronger etc). None of this is your fault, you put your trust in a complete and utter psychopath, which you may feel is a too strong description, but I use it as meaning someone without any conscience. No doubt he was plausible and charming when he needed to be (i.e. when he wanted something). You have nothing to reproach yourself for and I'm sure once your real life family and friends find out what's been happening they will support you all the way.

Everyone else has been giving the info about how to change bank etc..

So I'll just say, there are a lot of positives on your side - you pay the rent and bills. you earn more than him. You can up sticks and move somewhere in a matter of weeks because you are renting - you don't have a house to sell. You will be better off if your finances are only needed for yourself and your children, not some sponger.

You can give notice on your house tomorrow and get onto all the letting agents in the area you want to move to, and there is nothing your 'D' p (in this case D for Dastardly)can do about it.

You will soooo have the last laugh. Although really its no laughing matter is it? He will have to find himself somewhere to live, pay all his own bills and where will he find his half of the school fees then? Then his son will be at the sink school (unless he lives with his mother and is the state school any better there?)

Thank god you found out with enough time before the october cut off date to do something to rectify the situation with regard to school catchment. You have an awful lot to do over the next few weeks but you can do it!

Everything he has done regarding this situation is appalling, but to then say that you are being selfish is fucking unbelievable.

I can only think that he knows he is absolutely in the wrong and his defense mechanisms are to get in a mood, storm out, call you petty and selfish etc.

He's trying to make you question your anger and annoyance - DON'T. You have every right to feel this way. He's just being an emotional bully, on top of every thing else.
What a bloody nerve.

It sounds like you have your head screwed on despite everything and you are going to deal with it in the right way - good on you. I hope it all goes to plan.

Just think about yourself and your kids now.

Your plan sounds good - as does all of the advice on here. Hope you got some sleep. Good luck with sorting yourself out today. Stay strong.

I mentioned this to my DH tonight as I was totally shocked about it. I wondered if a man might have a different perspective. He didnt. He confirmed it would be the end of the relationship.

I agree.

Your OH has been an utter shit. I would not want him anywhere near my children. What kind of example is he.

I don't have any practical advice I am afraid, however, I would find this situation unbearable and would not be able to continue the relationship. It is not important that the problem has arisen about education, or even about the money ( though I do appreciate it makes things difficult for you), for me, the real problem is that your partner, who lives with you as part of your family, clearly does not treat your children as part of his family. When you live within a family unit where the children are not biologically your own, you have made a choice to be there and part of that choice is to treat children of your new partner as though they are your own. There will often be times when there are small differences, just as there inevitably are even when the children are your own, but over time, things generally even out. This situation is one that is never going to even out for the OP son. So for me, this would be a dealbreaker. I have never been in this situation, but I was a child with a step father and a step mother. Step father was great, always treated us, and in leter years, our children, as his own, referred to us as his daughters/ grandchildren and always treated us as such. Step mother on the other hand always treated us very differently to her own children and tried to encourage my dear dad to do the same.
Don't allow this man to treat your children as though they are second class.

Poor you, what an awful situation, but at least there are positives as FLibberty says. You only rent so can move quickly before school decisions are made for next year.

Just wanted to add that your "partner" sounds like a cunt. It also seems that the ex-wife was in on the plan.

It is a massive commitment to send DCs to private school. How on Earth does he plan to pay for 5yrs worth of fees? The mind boggles. Did he think he would get away with this level of deception for years to come. What an evil bastard.

Concentrate on yourself and your DCs now. Get in touch with the bank and move to a better area.