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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

h told ds that "mummy had abondoned him")

70 replies

mymittens · 10/08/2008 15:32

we'd been bickering and rowing on and off for days and had just set off to go shopping with ds. h was being grumpy and so was i due to lack of sleep but i felt he was being particularly dismissive. So i said i wanted to go home so we did. there were lots of household jobs to be done so i took ds into the room h was in and went upstairs to start cleaning and as i went out of the room h said to ds(2) that "mummy's abondoned you" I couldn't quite believe what i heard and but it was true . Things have been bad for a while then they get a bit better,the worse again but do i really want to be with soemone who's capable of saying that??? he taken him out now - they went out while i was cleaning

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lilymolly · 10/08/2008 15:34

my dp says it all the time its just a joke in our house- could this be him just having a joke?

DoubleBluff · 10/08/2008 15:34

sorry this post makes no sense

Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 15:38

no not joking at all - he was very angry and shouting. he'd shouted a few minutes before about us coming home and ds was scared

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Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 15:38

why doesn't it make sense?

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lilymolly · 10/08/2008 15:39

Well it may have just been a spur of the moment thing to say.
If he meant it serioulsy then perhaps have a word and say you dont like him saying that to ds.

lilymolly · 10/08/2008 15:41

you both sound like you are having a few problems at the moment with all the bickering, perhaps you need to have a chat about expectations and knock the fighting on the head.

Dont think the comment was the end of the world to be honest.

Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 15:44

sure it was just said in spur of moment and becuae he wanted to say something nasty to punish me. i despise him atm

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lilymolly · 10/08/2008 15:47

Oh thats not good.
Why do you despise him?
Are things really that bad
can you talk to him?

Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 16:04

ok, despise what he said.

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Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 16:36

Yes, things are pretty bad . we saw a counsellor for a few months and it made a slight difference for a while but there's only so much a counsellor can do. We have virtually no physical relationship, sleep in separate beds most of the time(due to his snoring), i don't really look forward to weekends and often find his company stressful

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Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 16:38

he apologised for the abandoning comment when he got back a while ago but said i shouldn't just have taken ds into room and gone - probably true in view of the situation.I apologised for that. Since then we've both been doing housework and he is now watching tv with ds. Things things stil vv frosty between us though

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lilymolly · 10/08/2008 16:39

Oh dear, sorry to hear that.

Could you perhaps go back to counselling?

Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 16:42

no point in us both going back (it not the fist time we've been) it's a nighmare organising childcare. was thinking i might go back on my own.

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Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 17:08

surely it's vile and unforgivable for a father to tell his child that mummy's abandoned him?

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LittleBella · 10/08/2008 17:25

I think it's too simplistic to say it's vile and unforgivable. (Though certainly it's vile.)

What I would say, is that it is an example of your DH using your child as a weapon in your fights, with no regard whatsoever to your child's emotional well-being. To scare a child, make life a bit uncertain and random in order to punish an adult, is an absolutely disgusting thing to do, I think your instincts are right on that, but the question is how to manage it. To forgive him or not. It is forgivable imo, but only if your DH recognises how appallingly out of order he was to do this and recognises that he must not treat his child in this way again.

When things are calm, can you talk to him about how concerned you are that he has showed so little concern for his DS's welfare, and how important it is that parents do not drag their children into their disagreements? If he doesn't understand that, then I'm afraid he will do exactly the same thing if you split up. There is no law that says parents are not allowed to emotionally abuse their children.

Spero · 10/08/2008 17:25

Doesn't it depend on the circs? You clearly hadn't abandoned him; if I understand your post correctly you were all in the same house at the time.

what is much more worrying is the anger and shouting: I am sure that has the potential to be a really harmful thing for your son.

gagarin · 10/08/2008 17:27

but equally odd for a mother to take a child into a room which contained their father and not have a chat - however brief - about what was going on and why.

Unless you did do the (to ds) "sorry mummy is in a bit of a mood so I need to do some housework to calm down - daddy will play with you won't you daddy - thanks"

And how did you explain the shopping trip that never was to your dc? He must know something odd is up between you too - and may well be worrying.

blueshoes · 10/08/2008 17:29

mymittens, it is an immature and spiteful thing for any person to say, whatever the circumstances. It crosses the line.

blueshoes · 10/08/2008 17:32

Agree with LittleBella. The lack of regard for your ds' emotional needs lies at the crux of things.

Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 17:33

Thanks, yes he does use ds as a weapon against from soemtimes. When we'd argued when ds was 3 months old and he was looking after him, i was having a shower and he put brought ds upstairs and left him crying in the bedroom and shouted through bathroom door that ds needed looking after, so i had tt get out the shower!

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Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 17:35

H just came in to ask if i wanted anything (in a nice way) but i can't even look at him atm

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Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 17:38

yes, i should have said what i was doing, but i dont think that leaving ds in the room with his faterh and then going upstairs justifies him talling ds that mummy abandoned him. it does worry me that if we do split up he'll continue to say bad things to ds about me

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LittleBella · 10/08/2008 17:50

Well, he will. It's obvious. And no court will stop him from doing so, there's nothing you can do about that. So it's in your interests (and your DS's) to try and get your DH to address this behaviour now. Because he won't have an incentive to address it once you split up, if you split up.

He does sound like he is quite detached from your DS tbh, not properly bonded. As if he considers him part of you but not him, so can hurt you through him. Very unhealthy and something that really does need to be addressed through counselling, whether or not you split. It sounds like this guy has a whole bunch of issues that need to be sorted and if he sorts them, you may even find that you no longer want to split with him. If he doesn't, he'll become the ex from hell.

Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 17:51

I really wnat to tell him that if he ever uses ds to punish me again, it'll be out marriage finished, but i realy don't wnat anymore arguing nastiness tonight. Also i have an operation in less than 4 weeks and he's supposed to be looking after me for 3 weeks while i recover

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Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 17:53

He' very attached to ds and has looked after him all weekend because i've been so tired. Makes sure he's home for bathtime every night. He nearly always gets up with ds in the mornings so i can i a lie in. I know he adores him

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