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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

h told ds that "mummy had abondoned him")

70 replies

mymittens · 10/08/2008 15:32

we'd been bickering and rowing on and off for days and had just set off to go shopping with ds. h was being grumpy and so was i due to lack of sleep but i felt he was being particularly dismissive. So i said i wanted to go home so we did. there were lots of household jobs to be done so i took ds into the room h was in and went upstairs to start cleaning and as i went out of the room h said to ds(2) that "mummy's abondoned you" I couldn't quite believe what i heard and but it was true . Things have been bad for a while then they get a bit better,the worse again but do i really want to be with soemone who's capable of saying that??? he taken him out now - they went out while i was cleaning

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Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 17:56

but obvioulsy not enough not to use him to punish me. Althought maybe i'm just as bad, i've been in bed all morning and have just left ds with him to come on here

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beanieb · 10/08/2008 17:59

"he apologised for the abandoning comment when he got back a while ago but said i shouldn't just have taken ds into room and gone - probably true in view of the situation.I apologised for that. Since then we've both been doing housework and he is now watching tv with ds. Things things stil vv frosty between us though"

there is hope you have both talked, apologised and now you need to both let it go. If you are harbouring other negative feelings for other reasons (past stuff) then perhaps it's making it harder for you to forgive the silly little stuff.

I think you should talk more, maybe go back to the counselling?

LittleBella · 10/08/2008 17:59

So why do you think he has these little episodes of detachment? It sounds like he might be much more amenable to reason than you first described him tbh. Does he understand that using DS to hurt you is emotional abuse and therefore beyond the pale?

I think you shouldn't discuss it with him until you have both calmed down after this latest row and are in the way of having a constructive discussion. And it should be along the lines of "how we argue and how we should keep DS out of it" rather than "that row we had the other day". So it is a general discussion rather than a re-hash of something he considers past.

You sound a bit like you're at the end of your tether, are you sure it's not the forthcoming operation that is stressing you and making you regard your DH with a more baleful eye than usual? Do you think it might get a bit better once you have this op and are feeling better?

Spero · 10/08/2008 18:01

I'm slightly worried that by focusing on this one comment you are losing sight of the bigger picture.

Neither of you seem that bothered about what this is like for your ds. It must have been slightly bewildering for him to be taken by you to his father with no explanation of what you were doing and where you were going.

doesn't excuse what his father said. But you then say you 'can't even look' at his father when he comes in and says something nice.

What message are you BOTH giving to your child about how mummies and daddies relate to one another?

Spero · 10/08/2008 18:02

Sorry, I missed your last post when you acknowledge that you might be being just as bad. I think that is probably right.

Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 18:05

That's partly why i'm keeping out of their way, so that he doesn't hear anymore bickering. The op itself isn't making me stressed, just how things wil be with h at home for 3 weeks afterwards

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Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 18:06

What should I do then? Ds will be in bed in an hour

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Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 18:07

I feel i need to tell h that if he ever uses ds against me again, our marriage will be over

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Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 18:08

But i'm scared of the angry reaction

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LittleBella · 10/08/2008 18:13

What do you want from the confrontation? And how best can you get it?

Do you want to save your marriage? Do you want your DH to agree to counselling? Do you want to end your marriage? Do you just want to express your rage about DH's behaviour? Etc. Etc.

I'm not sure it's such a good idea to have such a negative approach to the issue if you actually want it solved.

beanieb · 10/08/2008 18:13

"I feel i need to tell h that if he ever uses ds against me again, our marriage will be over " I think to say this would be a little bit of an over-reaction. Can you not talk calmly about how it made you feel while aknowledging that he may not have meant it like that!

Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 18:15

I just wnat him ot know it's unacceptable and has made me very upset and if he did it when ds was older (he's only 2) ds would find it distressing too.

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Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 18:17

can anyone suggest a good way of approaching him to explain this?

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LittleBella · 10/08/2008 18:17

So how can you best do that and get the response from him that you want?

Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 18:35

I don't know. I'm so upset and angry i feel my head's going to explode.

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beanieb · 10/08/2008 18:38

Are you harbouring resentments from the past?

beanieb · 10/08/2008 18:39

Can you not talk calmly about how it made you feel while aknowledging that he may not have meant it like that? That's how I would approach it. Try not to accuse and try to explain how you feel.

Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 19:09

Have just talke dot him and he said when i left ds in the rooma nd wen straight upstairs ds said"mummy hug" and the abandoning comment just slipped out. I've told him i find it unacceptable for him to say things like that and he understand it was bad

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Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 19:16

and is sorry for saying it

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Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 20:44

Anyone there atm? Ds won't sleep tonight and is sitting with h. I'm just wondering whether i should get out of this marriage as this incident is far from the only problem. We have hardly any pysical relationship - had sex proably 4/5 times in over 2 years, sleep in separate room most nights (cos of h's snoring), i dont' look forward to weekends as don't find hs comapny very relaxing, i hate his temper, lack of enthusiasm and of course there's the rejection/nastiness towards ds when he;'s angry with me..

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Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 20:44

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Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 21:00

bump

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blueshoes · 10/08/2008 21:07

mymittens, it does not sound like your dh is a complete write off (since he has apologised etc) But it does not sound like you love him anymore. You barely tolerate each other. But of course he is the father of your ds. That is the hardest situation tbh, not clearcut at all.

Where do you see yourself and dh 3-5 years from now?

Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 21:19

I don't know where i see us in a few year. In 2 year ds will be at school fulltime and then what? In the week i have a great life as a sahm, i've friends i see who have children the same age, have all i want materially (h earns a good slary and hardly spends anything on himslef, happy to let me spaned what i like (within reason!1). But life will change in a couple of year when all the little ones are at school. it's hard to know if i stil love him. I never say i do anymore. he hardly ever does either and i haven't felt he fancied me for over 4 years

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Original poster

mymittens · 10/08/2008 21:20

In the beginning i thought he was - thoughtful, gentle and fun. Hardly ever see any of that now and haven't for ages

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