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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

h told ds that "mummy had abondoned him")

70 replies

mymittens · 10/08/2008 15:32

we'd been bickering and rowing on and off for days and had just set off to go shopping with ds. h was being grumpy and so was i due to lack of sleep but i felt he was being particularly dismissive. So i said i wanted to go home so we did. there were lots of household jobs to be done so i took ds into the room h was in and went upstairs to start cleaning and as i went out of the room h said to ds(2) that "mummy's abondoned you" I couldn't quite believe what i heard and but it was true . Things have been bad for a while then they get a bit better,the worse again but do i really want to be with soemone who's capable of saying that??? he taken him out now - they went out while i was cleaning

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Original poster
mymittens · 10/08/2008 21:30

bump

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blueshoes · 10/08/2008 21:56

mymittens . How much do you think this rough patch is due to your having 2(?) young children. These years are hardest on a couple. But you don't seem to look forward to the school years, quite the opposite.

Have you thought about the practicalities of leaving your dh? If you are a SAHM with a nice lifestyle, that could be quite an upheaval and likely drop in standard of living for both you and your dcs.

beanieb · 10/08/2008 22:47

If you don't love him and can't see any benefit in going to counselling then I think you should just bite the bullet and tell him.

Original poster
mymittens · 11/08/2008 09:32

I think i'll get my operation out of the way ans just ry to tolerate him fo rthe next coupke of months and as soon as I'm well enough I'll go back to the counsellor on my own and then try to work out what to do. No it's nothing really to do with haveing a child - we only have 1 - no way i'd consider having another one with him

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Original poster
mymittens · 11/08/2008 10:28

Anyone there? I feel so bad. yet another night of very little sleep even tho took a pill to help . Just need to talk aboutthings to someone. hard to talk to rl friends as they know him too

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Original poster
mymittens · 11/08/2008 10:47

bump..

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blueshoes · 11/08/2008 10:47

hi mymittens, sorry you are feeling alone and needing to talk this through with someone. There are mnetters with similar issues in their relationships whether past or present, who will have the benefit of experience in advising you.

As I am not one of them but for the grace of god, I am bumping this up for you.

Since the issue with 'abandonment' seems to have been resolved for now, perhaps you can start a new thread in 'Relationships' with a more descriptive title of the general malaise in your relationship with dh. I hope you get the answer you are seeking.

beanieb · 11/08/2008 10:48

It seems to me like you don't really want to be with him any more and you just need to gather the stength and courage to leave. You sound awfully unhappy and I think it is much more than just the issue of him saying what he did to your child.

Probably, if at all possible, the best thing to do would be to explain to him that you no longer want to be with him and try to work out some way to co-parent your children so they are not too disrupted by the changes.

Keep trying Shelter, I have just rung them and got the message saying the lines are busy but it's worth holding on or trying their website here. You could also phone the council.

Is there anywhere you could go for the time being, family? Are your parents able to help?

Also - if you really are in need of emotional support to get you through this you could try the samaritans on 08457 90 90 90.

Original poster
mymittens · 11/08/2008 10:51

Thanks. If it weren't for my op, I'd do something now but if i say anything now then I'll have no one to look after me after the op. Guess i should just tolerate for another few months, then do something? I'm sacred i'll be left with nothing and h will turn nasty and not pay for anything

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beanieb · 11/08/2008 10:57

Best thing you can do to stop that happening is get some legal advice. You can go and see a solicitor for a bit of advice without your OH having to know. At least that way you will have some idea what the process might be.

Original poster
mymittens · 11/08/2008 11:43

Good idea, think i might do that

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Original poster
mymittens · 11/08/2008 14:26

not sure whetehr to call him. he left mesaage while i was asleep. don't want anymore nastiness

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Original poster
mymittens · 11/08/2008 20:12

ds won't sleep again and h is reading to him. I really wan tot get over this abandonment comment but don't know if i can. Maybe i was as bad for taking ds into room with h and disappearing? but h knew ds was upset whe i left and then told ds mummy had abandoned him. i don't know what to do. h and i have only spoken when we needed to tonight

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Original poster
mymittens · 11/08/2008 20:20

anyone there?

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Original poster
mymittens · 11/08/2008 20:27

bump...

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Original poster
mymittens · 12/08/2008 08:45

h finally settle ds to sleep about 9pm. i went ot bed in the meantime. h came in the bedroom after he's settle ds, i told him how unsettle ds had been and it must never happen again. The i told him i wanted ot be left alone and we later went ot bed in the spare room. he left for woek while i was in bed this morning. my head feels terrible as i feel so unsettled. what ever should i do

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beanieb · 12/08/2008 08:49

I think talking to him properly about how the word abandonment feels to you. But you have to let it go once you have that conversation because unless you are holding other things against him it would be unfair to just keep punishing him for a comment he has already apologised for.

You need to talk to him about 'how we will get through this' and work together to sort things out. If that's not possible then maybe seek some counselling. Did you think about posponing your surgery any more?

Original poster
mymittens · 12/08/2008 09:24

he knows how terrible his comment was and i'm sure he's sorry. However, i don't feel confodent that a similar thing won't happen again. No surgery is definately going ahead and as far as i know he's still going to look after ds while i recover. I'd loveot have a happry marriage and for ds to have a secure and happy unbringing, but at the moment, that seems an impossible dream. I wonder if it is worth changing some aspects of my behaviour in order to see if it has a knock on effect on h? Maybe i should be more welcoming when he hets home tonight instead on only talking ot him if i have to? But then i worried me he'll think everything's ok again

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beanieb · 12/08/2008 09:53

If you think there is behaviour you could change then go for it... what do you mean specifically though? Maybe you both need to learn how to communicate better?

If everything isn't ok then there's no point putting a brave face on and carrying on like everything is ok.

Have you managed to contact shelter yet or talked to family about staying with them for a while? Sometimes a break from the ould routine can help put things into perspective.

Original poster
mymittens · 12/08/2008 10:04

i mean maybe i could try to be a bit more tolerant of the fact he doesn't know as much as i do about looking after ds and accept the fact he has a terrible memory instead of getting angry every tiem he gets something wrong or forgets thing

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