Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH takes EVERYTHING I say the wrong way.

60 replies

fizzymum · 08/08/2008 10:58

I'm beginning to feel like I can't even talk to him anymore because he takes everything I say as me "getting at him" or criticising him in some way.

I'll give you an example: a couple of days ago he came home from work absolutely filthy so stood outside the back door and took his boots and socks off before coming inside. He left his dirty socks on the doorstep, so I said to him "you're not going to leave your socks there are you?". The reason I said this is because he has a habit of leaving his dirty socks outside on the doorstep until I pick them up. I once left them to see how long they would stay there and they were there for weeks before I gave in and picked them up. Our dirty linen basket is also kept just inside the back door.

So, by me saying this, he completely gets a strop on. I asked him later in the evening why he was in such a mood and he said it was because of what I had said about his socks when he got home from work.

To me, that is the most pathetic reason to be in a mood for a whole evening but this is what he is like. He decides when we fall out and he decides when we make up, which bugs me because he will suddenly say "anyway lets not fall out" (after he has been in a strop for hours) and I'm not allowed to question why such a small thing has got him in such a strop in the first place or say how he's made me feel by doing that.

I just don't get him. Is it me or is there something up here? Does anyone else go through this with their DH/DP?

OP posts:
lilacclaire · 08/08/2008 11:06

My DP can be like this when I disagree or give a different opinion to his.

I think they are all just neanderthall twats tbh (or at least my dp).

It really pisses me off, that they can decide when they will talk to us, so I then feel justified in telling him to get lost when he 'snaps out of it' for being in a huff in the first place.

beanieb · 08/08/2008 11:14

I can be like this with my OH. Is he a thinker? Does he worry a lot about the small things?

Maybe try to be aware of the fact that he's quite sensitive and check yourself before commenting. Often it's just abou tthe way things are said and the way they can be interpreted.

nametaken · 08/08/2008 11:16

Maybe when he first gets in from work is not the best time to say something negative to him.

He may decide when to strop but why does he decide when to make up? Make up when you want, not when he say "anyway lets not fall out".

Original poster
fizzymum · 08/08/2008 11:18

If I did that Lilac then it would be me being so unreasonable etc etc iyswim?

DH told me a couple of months ago that I am really nasty to him, never have anything nice to say to him and am always criticising him. He made me out to be a really awful person which really hurt me and I can honestly say that I do not think it's true. I did ask him why he married me if I'm so awful and I didn't really get a proper answer from him.

Half the trouble with my DH is that he's one of these types of people who expects to be praised for everything he does. If he hoovers up once in a while or mows the lawn he expects a bloody medal for it!

OP posts:
KnickersOnMaHead · 08/08/2008 11:19

Message withdrawn

Original poster
fizzymum · 08/08/2008 11:21

The point about the socks was that I did not see why he had to leave them on the doorstep for me to pick up when the dirty linen basket is about a metre away from the door!!

OP posts:
KnickersOnMaHead · 08/08/2008 11:28

Message withdrawn

Original poster
fizzymum · 08/08/2008 11:30

Knickers, thats exactly how I feel! We had an openned bottle of wine in the fridge for a few days with only a small bit left at the bottom. I saw DH pour it into a glass and a couple of minutes later I went to the kitchen and his empty glass was by the sink, so I said to him "have you drunk that wine?" and he immediately launched into defensive mode saying " there was only a little bit left so it wouldn't have been enough for you aswell". That wasn't what I had meant at all. I was thinking it was quick if he had have drunk it or maybe it tasted off, as it had been in the fridge for a few days, and he might have thrown it away. But DH just launches straight onto the defensive.

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 08/08/2008 11:33

TBH I don't think I would react very well to being nagged at before I'd even set foot in the door after a day's work (even if it was warranted ).

If this is causing a problem you have two options imo (1) get him to change -- impossible to achieve I would imagine; or (2) think about how you sound to him before you speak - you may think that you shouldn't have to do this but for the sake of harmony all round surely it is worth trying? Maybe try mentioning the sock thing another time when he is in a better mood.

beanieb · 08/08/2008 11:35

if it were me, and it pissed me off that much, I would just leave teh socks there and wait to see what happens when he rund out of clean ones...

EffiePerine · 08/08/2008 11:42

Talk to him

Make an effort to be nice and polite (say for a week) and see if it improves things. If in doubt, I give this a go and it usually has miraculous effects! Which says a lot about my usual personality

Sobernow · 08/08/2008 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EffiePerine · 08/08/2008 11:48

Don't worry about it - in fact I think I registered both variations before checking which was correct

Original poster
fizzymum · 08/08/2008 11:50

I may have nagged him as soon as he got in from work but does that warrant a whole evenings worth of strop and bad moods?

The sock thing was just to give you an example. DH literally takes everything I say to him the wrong way. I don't speak to him any differently than I do to anyone else and no one else takes me the wrong way and thinks I'm criticising them. We're married FGS surely he should be able to know by now how to take what I say?

Maybe it's because I'm from the south and he's from the north? I'm beginning to feel like we're just poles apart.

OP posts:
lilacclaire · 08/08/2008 11:53

Hmm, fizzy don't know the answer really, I just get fed up now with him going in huffs for nowt and am biting back.

I usually go along the lines of

him acting normally again

me: so is that you out your mood, do you think you can treat me like that just because I don't agree with everything you say, if you want a nodding dog then go and buy one.

Then once i've said my piece we're pals again.

Maybe not resolving anything, but am voicing my frustrations at his actions.

EffiePerine · 08/08/2008 11:54

well I am a sulker so can understand that bit

thing is, if you want to make a go of your relationship you need to make an effort, rather than 'take me as youfind me, no-one else minds'. No-one else lives with you! Can't you both sit down and have a chat about why you argue/he gets annoyed/you nag etc. etc.? Then decide on one or two things you can both do to make things easier?

beanieb · 08/08/2008 11:56

Perhaps you should sit down with him and ask him what it is about the way you say things, or the things you say, which upset him? Then explain that when you do say those things you are not meaning them in the way he is interpreting them?

Surely talking about it is the best thing to do.

lilacclaire · 08/08/2008 12:03

I get the feeling that he will just 'take it the wrong way' if she tries to talk to him.

It's probably the best course of action, but you'll really need to pick your moment.

Original poster
fizzymum · 08/08/2008 12:05

We have tried talking about it in the past and at the time it was fine, we didn't argue and I thought we understood each other and actually got somewhere but obviously not.

I find his responses to things very immature most of the time. DH is 4 years younger than me but he's still an adult FFS.

OP posts:
Original poster
fizzymum · 08/08/2008 12:18

On the night of the sock incident, when we were in bed I got out and put my dressing gown on because I was cold. He says in a nasty tone of voice " what the fuck have you done that for?" and I reply "because I'm cold" and those are the last words we spoke to each other before the morning when he has to get up really early for work and whispers in my ear when I'm half asleep "lets not fall out, lets be friends now". Thats his way of basically saying "when I get home from work later I don't want to hear anymore about it".

I would rather talk about it and get it sorted out, than sweep it under the carpet and keep having the same arguments again and again because that is all we ever do, go over old ground time and time again and never get anything sorted. And believe me it is 10 times harder to try and sort things out with a DH who takes everything you say the wrong way!

OP posts:
Original poster
fizzymum · 08/08/2008 12:22

I'm beginning to wonder if we need need some kind of marriage counselling? Has anyone ever had this? Did it work for you?

OP posts:
Pheebe · 08/08/2008 12:32

You won't change him unless he wants to change, you can only change how you respond to these things and how you treat/speak to him

If he takes offense at something then its not really for you to say whether its warranted or not, its about how he feels and respecting his right to have those feelings

OK, agree the sock thing was pathetic but men just don't view the world the way we do. I don't imagine he did that on purpose to start a row with you. Perhaps you could of handled that differently by saying something like, hi hun (kiss), here pass me your socks I'll pop them straight in the basket. As another poster said, I think I'd have been p*ed off at being greeted by 'you're not leaving them there are you' after a hard days work

Often women have to be the 'adults' in relationships, shouldn't have to but that often seems to be the reality. Try listening to yourself and think honestly about how you'd react if roles were reversed

Also I don't think being polite, nice and kind to your OH should be something that requires effort. It should be automatic, it shows you care for and respect them

Finally, perhaps try not to react to his 'sulks' carry on as normal and when he comes out of it, let it go. Nothing is served by trying to make an issue of it except more bad feeling. You never know, once you stop rising to it, he may get bored of doing it. It takes alot of effort to sulk and most men are too emotionally lazy ime

Original poster
fizzymum · 08/08/2008 12:56

I do not speak to my DH in any kind of way that warrants a strop/mood/argument or any other kind of reaction. It's not the way I say things its how he interprets it that's the problem.

I'm on tender hooks here. I'm scared to even start any sort of conversation with him about the weather, anything, for fear that he'll get in a strop cos there might be something he has wrongly interpreted.

OP posts:
dittany · 08/08/2008 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beanieb · 08/08/2008 13:53

Do you think his verbal aggression could lead on to physical aggression? I thought I'd ask so we can maybe move on past the abuse suggestions and maybe work out what it is about the way you communicate with eachotehr that is problematic.

Much as you may think you are not asling in a bad way and that it is all to do with his interpretation, perhaps you are not as aware of how it sounds as you could be? Talking about it like adults in a reasonable way would be a start and it really is worth making the effort. Deciding not to just because you know you don't speak in a bad way is missing out on a great opportunity to sit down and make him tell you why he feels like he does.

So long as you are not actually scared of him - talking seems like the next reasonable step to me. You've managed to talk about it here and about how it makes you feel, have you properly told him this and have you properly listened to him when he talks about the way he feels?