DH takes EVERYTHING I say the wrong way.

[fizzymum]

I'm beginning to feel like I can't even talk to him anymore because he takes everything I say as me "getting at him" or criticising him in some way.

I'll give you an example: a couple of days ago he came home from work absolutely filthy so stood outside the back door and took his boots and socks off before coming inside. He left his dirty socks on the doorstep, so I said to him "you're not going to leave your socks there are you?". The reason I said this is because he has a habit of leaving his dirty socks outside on the doorstep until I pick them up. I once left them to see how long they would stay there and they were there for weeks before I gave in and picked them up. Our dirty linen basket is also kept just inside the back door.

So, by me saying this, he completely gets a strop on. I asked him later in the evening why he was in such a mood and he said it was because of what I had said about his socks when he got home from work.

To me, that is the most pathetic reason to be in a mood for a whole evening but this is what he is like. He decides when we fall out and he decides when we make up, which bugs me because he will suddenly say "anyway lets not fall out" (after he has been in a strop for hours) and I'm not allowed to question why such a small thing has got him in such a strop in the first place or say how he's made me feel by doing that.

I just don't get him. Is it me or is there something up here? Does anyone else go through this with their DH/DP?

Effie, I cook DH's meals but I really do not expect time to talk to him in return. That particular night I was going to work so he got in from work and 10 minutes later I went out to work so that was the only chance I would have to talk to him that whole day and night. IYSWIM?

I'm not into tit for tat. All I want is for DH and I to be able to talk to each other like normal couples do without the whole conversation being on egg shells because I'm having to watch what I say.

you're right, you should be able to do that

but I think this is something a LOT of couples struggle with

and a lot of the problem comes down to the way you communicate (on both sides) and your feelings and expectations (again on both sides)

thre aren't any easy answers so maybe pick a strategy and see if it works?

do you still like him? Cos if you do it is worth working at. If you don't that's another story...

hello, I recognise quite a lot of mine and DH's relationship in this thread. I think it serves to show how differently men and women think about things.

The sock thing: I can see both sides - we've been there lol. However, what might have set your DH off was perhaps the nature of the question? I know my DH hates that kind of "you're not going to do that ARE you" statement. Whereas if I just said "please go and put your socks in the laundry basket" he would do it! Men like to follow simple instructions

I still like him, I love him but can see if things carry on like this it might change.

Snowleopard, I like your way of thinking and I also think that Spero's book may have some logic in it too.

I will think long and hard about the way I say something to DH especially if it's something that has pisses me off ie those bloody socks!! If that argument occurs again maybe I will say "I'm not nagging you but if you leave your socks there then I will put them out with the rubbish on the next collection but if you put them in the basket I will be happy to wash them for you"!!!!

Yes Grevious maybe I should have just said "can you" instead of "you're not" but that doesn't solve the problem of the grumpy moody bastard that I live with!!!!

yes thinking for talking is a good technique (and one I need to use more often )

Good luck

It sounds to me like you are both cought up in negative behaviour patterns towards each other, always being on the defensive and probably using tones of voices that you wouldn't necessarily use on anyone else without even realising it.

RE the socks thing, if your DH leaves them by the doorstep it obviously doesn't bother him whether or not they are washed or what visitors think, and doesn't he have a right to this?

If the socks bother you, that is your problem, not your DH's, and the only choices you have are to either change your attitude so the socks no longer bother you or pick them up yourself.

I so totally get what you are saying, Fizzymum. I'm a great believer in communication and take pride in my ability to express myself, though obviously every now and then I use a phrase that comes out not quite how I mean it or say something a bit wrong in a strop - I'm human, I'm allowed the occasional mistake. I really hate being misunderstood though, and will bend over backwards to explain and re-explain. XH not only seized on these failures in communication, wrote them down (as I only recently discovered) and quoted them back at me, sometimes many years later, but when I said something totally clearly so that I couldn't possibly be misunderstood he would either manage to put an interpretation on it that came from Planet Zog, or flatly disbelieve that I meant it. He would then sulk for days, until I found some way of justifying accepting the blame so I could apologise and "we'll say no more about it" was one of his favourite making up phrases too! Or he'd just go all tragic so I would have to comfort him and spend ages telling him how fantastic he was and how could I EVER mean to put him down etc etc, until he was slightly mollified.

It took 22 years to realise that quite a lot of the time he "misunderstood" on purpose as a form of control. Now, of course, I don't have to care whether he understands me or not, as I don't live with him, hurrah! I just wonder why it took so many years to realise that it wasn't me.

You tell him to pick his effing socks up any way you choose, girl. XH did something far worse than leave his to rot outside the back door: he wore them. #shudder# Let's not go there in too much detail.

Annie...many years into my marriage I said something to my exH..he went to a drawer, got out a little book...and quoted what I had said previously about this particular topic...and the date I had said it! Obviously to his utter joy and triumph I had said the opposite at this point and so he had 'won'. The issue was obviously so important that I have no memory whatsoever what the thing was all about, but I vividly remember the little book and the look of triumph on his face.

He lived to get one over on me....as did his family...its very difficult to understand what is happening to you when you are in this situation day after day...I finally left 18 months ago,and now am (nearly)a completely different person...and with hindsight can see how soul destroying the whole thing was.

AND I don't have to put up with his stinking pile of work clothes dumped on the bedroom floor every night! I wonder now why I put up with it for so long! What an idiot! (That's me by the way!).