DH takes EVERYTHING I say the wrong way.

[fizzymum]

I'm beginning to feel like I can't even talk to him anymore because he takes everything I say as me "getting at him" or criticising him in some way.

I'll give you an example: a couple of days ago he came home from work absolutely filthy so stood outside the back door and took his boots and socks off before coming inside. He left his dirty socks on the doorstep, so I said to him "you're not going to leave your socks there are you?". The reason I said this is because he has a habit of leaving his dirty socks outside on the doorstep until I pick them up. I once left them to see how long they would stay there and they were there for weeks before I gave in and picked them up. Our dirty linen basket is also kept just inside the back door.

So, by me saying this, he completely gets a strop on. I asked him later in the evening why he was in such a mood and he said it was because of what I had said about his socks when he got home from work.

To me, that is the most pathetic reason to be in a mood for a whole evening but this is what he is like. He decides when we fall out and he decides when we make up, which bugs me because he will suddenly say "anyway lets not fall out" (after he has been in a strop for hours) and I'm not allowed to question why such a small thing has got him in such a strop in the first place or say how he's made me feel by doing that.

I just don't get him. Is it me or is there something up here? Does anyone else go through this with their DH/DP?

[Pheebe]

Fizzymum - aorry, I wasn't implying that you do, merely that that IS how he's interpreting it therefore I would suggest you look carefully at how you speak to him knowing that. As I said, if I was greeted with a 'you're not leaving that there are you' comment I'd have been cross. Also I suspect there was more to the dressing gown incident than meets the eye. If my DH got up and wrapped himself up then got back in bed I would assume he was 'protecting' himself from me and would probably take that as a rejection of some sort and be upset. Not suggesting thats what you were doing but can you see how your DH might have interpreted it that way?

I'm just trying to see alternative reasons for these things before this thread heads off down the usual mn he's a controlling bully who's going to abuse you route - most men aren't, they're just more often emotionally childish than women (I realise thats a sweeping statement btw )

I defo think there are some communication issues here that you both need to address. Perhaps some sort of counselling is the way to go.

hth if only as food for thought anyway

[lisasimpson]

quite frankly if I started a conversation along the lines of "you're not going to leave your socks there are you?" when my dh had just come home I would expect him to sulk too! I wouldn't speak so condescendingly to my five year old - let alone my husband. If somebody said this to me I damn well would leave them there to be bloody minded, so I'm not surprised he is 'interpreting' things the wrong way

[fizzymum]

Well thats obviously ok then. I said "you're not going to leave your socks there are you" because I was pissed off with having to always go outside and pick up DH's wet, muddy, stinking socks off the doorstep. Silly me, how dare I be so inconsiderate as to think that after a hard days work he could just take two steps inside the back door and put his own socks into the linen basket. Seeing as I do his washing, cleaning, tidying, cooking, ironing as well as having a job of my own and looking after two children, I suppose I should have rushed to the back door with a beaming smile on my face and picked up the smelly socks myself.

Perhaps next time I'm cold in bed I should just grin and bear it so as not to make him feel like I am 'protecting' myself from him. But then why should I live my whole life being very careful with everything I do and say, so as not to upset my DH. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time.

Is it too much to ask to want to have a normal conversation with the man I love and I'm married to, without having to watch what I'm saying all the time?

Does anyone actually see where I'm coming from here?

[fizzymum]

Thankyou for the link dittany, it makes for very interesting reading and has certainly given me some things to think about. Perhaps one day when the time (and mood) is right I will try and get DH to have a look at that website as I think we may both learn a few things from it.

I have to pick the right time to talk to DH and work out how best to approach the subject. If I mention MN he will go mad, he hates the thought of me being on here discussing our relationship, he doesn't even like it if I ask my best friend for advice. It's very tricky!!

[gagarin]

fizzy - the sock thing. You don't need to pick them up. Just leave them. In the end there will be no more socks left for you to wash and then he'll buy some more.

I am sure there are lots of other things you do for him that you also do not have to do - but just do automatically. And perhaps when you mention them to him he just feels incredibly defensive because he never asked you to do them for him in the first place - and the you go and moan about doing them?

And when you moan you never know - you might sound like his mum. And that might throw him back into behaving like a child. So you both end up cross.

Check out

changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/ta.htm

[Spero]

I've just read a brilliant book called How To Improve your Marriage Without Talking about it - bit late for me but I wish I had read it about a year ago.

It basically says that you should focus less on communicating and more about having compassion for each other; you try to be nice to your partner and think positive things about him rather than trying to talk about problems. the authors claim that when couples complain they can't communicate, what they really mean is that they don't feel connected any more and the way to feel connected is to think and do loving things for/about one another, even if it is with gritted teeth.

It sounds as though it would be worth a try, I agree I might be a bit pissed off if I was told off about my socks as soon as I came home. Why not just leave them there? Or pick them up later without saying anything and wash them as an act of compassion?

Of course, if he doesn't notice and nothing changes then maybe you have revealed the book's fatal flaw.

[beanieb]

I don't think it's reasonable to have to be the sock-picker-upper, but I do think it's reasonable to suggest that talking about it would be a good step and maybe accepting that even though you may not think you are being rude, it can sometimes come across that way to other people and it's not always because they are uber-sensitive.

[Gettingagrip]

I'm just trying to see alternative reasons for these things before this thread heads off down the usual mn he's a controlling bully who's going to abuse you route

Well...if this is not abuse then what is? Why should anyone pick up someone's stinking or otherwise socks? Just because you are born female does not mean you are genetically programmed to serve a man.

If the OP wants to go to bed dressed in woolly hat/scarf/gloves and winter coat it does not warrant being spoken to as she was.

There are many women on this site who have survived abuse in its many forms and there are other posters who treat those women with disdain and disbelief.

Why should anyone in an equal partnership have to think before they make a comment? Just in case it causes a sulk or 'offence'. The OP's husband doesn't sound as though he thinks very much before he opens his mouth.

Sulking is a form of control...and only allowing 'making up' when he says so is part of the same behaviour.

People come here for help, not to be told they are part of the problem when clearly they are not.

[Spero]

Its not about 'serving' a man. Its about being in a partnership. And sometimes that means you do things for each other that annoy you/bore you but you do it because you love each other.

I think if you are in a relationship thinking I'm not serving you you MAN than that relationship is in trouble anyway.

[beanieb]

sorry but I agree with Pheebe. These kinds of threads always seem to end up with people saying 'it's abuse!' when really it's mostly about communication, or lack of it. Remeber we are only getting one side of the story from someone who wants a bit of a rant and who hasn't been able to sit down with her husband and talk it all through yet. The OP has asked if counselling might be an idea, so hopefull yhere is some realisation that this could just be a communication problem.

yet here we are again, throwing the word 'abuse' about like it's going out of fashion. I am pretty sure that all of us shout and swear and get annoyed, particularly with the people we spend the most time with and who know which buttons to press. It sounds pretty normal to me. People get Grumpy, people hold grudges, people kick off a bit - normal!

Perhaps her husband needs to be encouraged to talk things through about why he is reacting like he does, because at the moment he's just having a bit of a sulk and then mouthing off. Perhaps in a relationship it's realy important to learn how to communicate with eachother when things get a bit MEH!

[fizzymum]

I have tried ignoring the "socks" before and it didn't get me anywhere. The socks were on the doorstep for weeks and weeks until I picked them up. I actually find it a little embarrassing when people come to our house and see a pair of muddy, stinky socks on the doorstep.

I was just using the socks as an example, thats the first time we've ever fallen out about his bloody socks!! I'll give you another example: DH gets home from work, his tea is waiting for him, as usual,on the table. DC's and I had already finished ours and I read DH a short note, enclosed with some baby photo's of him sent to us by his grandparents. DH gets in a strop because he "didn't want to hear that" whilst eating his tea.

Is it just me or does anyone else feel that I can't do right for doing wrong here?

[beanieb]

Do you love him? Do you think he loves you? Has he always been like this or is this a recent change in behaviour. If he has always been like this then I doubt you can change him as it sounds like this is how he is.

[Spero]

Well, why not give it a few days and then just throw them out? You can say you assumed he didn't want them any more. Surely when he has no socks left he might get the message?

I'm not saying he was right to be so rude to you over the tea incident, he clearly was acting like a nob. But equally I can understand how, if I was tired and hungry, i might just want to eat my tea and then enjoy reminiscing about baby photos.

It sounds to me (from the admittedly extremely little that I know about it) that at the moment you are both not thinking too much about how the other one is feeling and this is causing problems.

Together with his over reactions, which do sound a bit immature. But I don't think these things arise in isolation.

[fizzymum]

Beanieb, what if my DH is 'uber-sensitive'? I'm sure if I was naturally rude without realising it, that someone, somewhere and at sometime in my life would have picked up on it and would have said something long before now.

[beanieb]

Ok - I guess youa re right. You asked him in a reasonable way and he was wrong to get narked about it.

sorry.

[Spero]

But Fizzymum there is NO ONE else out there with whom you have the same kind of relationship as you do with DH and same goes for him. You know how to push each other's buttons in a way no one else could ever know. that is why seemingly innocuous comments from you might send him off into a sulk.

Not saying he is right and that this is acceptable (it isn't) but I don't think it is as black and white as you post it.

[EffiePerine]

It sounds a little like you are setting up some expectations that you don't need to, e.g. 'I cook for you therefore you should listen to me while you eat the meal I have lovingly prepared.' If he gets stroppy about meals, I would suggest getting him to make his own, but then I am rather mean

This isn't about 'I do X, so he should do Y', is it? It's about the way you react to each other (Spero's link sounds really good to me). It's about you not feeling appreciated or loved or respected, not about X minutes of conversation in return for X hours of household chores. Relationship stuff. So maybe counselling would be a good option?

Also, I don't think maby of us have cracked this one, which appears in all sorts of guises in relationships (I know I haven't). All you can do it work at it (or leave it, depending on your situation)

[Spero]

I wish I had read my book before my relationship collapsed - my ex sounds a lot like yours. We would get home and he would say something critical to me, or I would say something critical to him and that set the tone for the whole evening.

Naturally i am sure that he was more to blame than me but it is interesting, if a little sad to speculate what might have happened if I had tried being loving and accepting even when I didn't feel like it.

I am NOT saying you put up with a sulking immature critical arsewipe indefinitely, but I do think that your mindset and how you approach your interactions with each other can have a big impact.

the question is - is it now so bad that you don't have the will to stay and see if it can be changed? Why not arrange some counselling and take it from there.

[fizzymum]

Ok Spero or anyone, please tell me how I am supposed to 'talk' to a man who gets in a mood and sulks at whatever I say. Obviously I am going to have to say some things to him that he really will not want to hear and yes I know before anyone jumps on the bandwagon, that I am going to have to listen to things from him that I may not want to hear too.

Believe me I have tried talking to him in the past and he immediately goes on the defensive and it ends in an argument because he refuses to listen and comes out with the most immature remarks that infuriate me. What the hell do I do and how do I do it????

[Spero]

OK, what was suggested in the book is that you start showing compassion now, don't have to tell him what you are doing. think positive thoughts about him; when he does something crap try and remember a good thing he has done for you recently. Try to have at least six positive physical contacts a day - for eg hug on leaving and returning home.

if nothing changes over a few weeks then I think you need to sit down and say you don't like what is going on and you want to go to couples' counselling to see if there is a better way that you and he can inter act.

the bit I found most interesting in the book was when a woman says 'I am unhappy because you do X Y Z' a man hears 'You are inadequate and you will never be able to look after me' which immediately gets him on the defensive.

This may be just hogwash, but some of the illustrations of couple conversations, my god, the authors could have been hiding in our chimney breast, they had it down word for word...

[EffiePerine]

Well, counselling would give you a third party to act as a bugger . it might give some extra legitimacy in your DH's eyes as well IYSWIM. Depends. I think my DH would run for miles screaming at the idea, but some partners seem up for it. I've also heard that counselling just for YOU can help you work through your end - might be another option?

Spero: I fiund the idea interesting becuase I randomly decided to stop getting into the competitive complaining thing for a while (when you have young kids and are tired I think you automatically fall into it) and actively do nice things for DH without expecting him to be nice in return and he is nice back! Elementary I suppose but I am thick about these kind of things

[EffiePerine]

bugger? I meant buffer

keybaord slip honest

[snowleopard]

You are in the right about the socks, but because he sees it as nagging, he's getting annoyed. It's not on, he's being outrageous, but more nagging won't work.

Instead try a different tactic - at a different time, eg when he sets out for work, say something like "Oh by the way I am not your slave and I don't think it's right for you to throw your socks on the step right next to the basket for me to pick up - yes, even if you do work hard. So I'm not going to do it? Don't worry, there won't be any nagging. See ya."

Then never, ever do it. Leave the socks to pile up. If he runs out of socks, say "I did tell you I wasn't doing it - don't you remember? You wouldn't discuss it with me so I had to make a decision. You can go and get them and put them in the basket, or buy some new ones - your choice."

Stay calm and cheery about it. This carries on because you keep on picking them up. Don't!

[Spero]

Effie, if you are thick, I am thicker. It never occured to me to try being nice, I was so lost in the how DARE you speak/behave like this to me, and in effect being guilty of a lot of the behaviour I didn't like in ex.

Yes, he provoked a lot of it but we can still chose how we react/deal with it and looking back, i didn't deal with it well at all.