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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this normal behaviour in a marriage?

74 replies

aguasdulces · 05/08/2008 10:53

This morning my husband woke me up with his alarm clock at about 5.30 and shone a bright light in my eyes and effectively tried to get me to have sex with him ( he calls it a cuddle) and then complained that I never get up with him when he has to go to work in the school holidays and that I should make his sandwiches. I know that he knows that I don't want to have sex with him anymore and I don't know what to do about it. He threatens me by saying that he'll make sure I won't get his pension and if he dies everything will go to the kids - now he's saying I must pay for the upkeep of my rustbucket car - because I don't look after him/am not friendly enough to him.
It's probably fair but I just don't want to have sex with him.
I am here with two kids look after and he just tries to make me feel guilty that he is working and that it's alright for me and this is the line he takes nearly every single day. what would you do?

OP posts:

piratecat · 05/08/2008 10:55

tried to 'get you' effectively?

he forced you?

change the locks when he is out today and don't let him in, is a standard response on here.

TheArmadillo · 05/08/2008 10:56

GO and find out your legal and financial position if you were to leave.

Even if you decide not to, or have no plans to, then you will know when he says 'if you left you would have nothing/I would take this' etc etc you would know what would actually happen.

Then evaluate what you get out of this relationship.

No I don't think it is particularly normal behaviour.

loopylou6 · 05/08/2008 10:56

you know the answer to your own question. He wakes u up at 5.30 and shines a light into your eyes and trys to get you to have sex? then he threatens you which shows a serious lack of respect and love what would i do? i'd boot him out.

Iwanttobreakfree · 05/08/2008 10:57

What happened? Did you "give in" to him?

If he forced you that is rape.

HumphreyPinCushion · 05/08/2008 10:57

I think you know it isn't normal behaviour.
What do you want to do?

TattooedGrrrl · 05/08/2008 10:58

So, effectively your husband uses interrogartion techniques to try to get you to have sex, threatens you with financial implications when you don't, and is incapable of making a sandwich?

He sounds like a twat. Sorry, i'm sure he has lovely qualities somewhere, but he's a bully, and acting like a child.

What would i do? I'd go out all day on the weekend so he can see what it's like to look after 2 kids all day on his own, and on my return i'd sit down with him and tell him calmly that if he unhappy with your sex life, you're willing to have a grown up talk about it. And that he can make his own sandwiches and stick his pension up his arse.

zippitippitoes · 05/08/2008 10:59

well given your op i would see a solicitor and start the ball rolling for divorce

edam · 05/08/2008 11:00

He's seriously strange. What a bizarre, and arrogant, way to behave. Of course, bullying someone is a fantastic way to get them in the mood, isn't it?

He's lying about the pension, btw, it's taken into account during divorce proceedings these days. Armadillo's right, go and find out what you are entitled to - even if you decide to stay in this relationship, it's a good thing to have the facts.

loopylou6 · 05/08/2008 11:00

TG, thats exactly the word i was looking for and couldnt grasp 'interragation' he sounds like some sort of pervy policeman/soldier

Iwanttobreakfree · 05/08/2008 11:00

Tattooedgrrrl - nice!

However, as I know from personal experience it is hard to be that tough sometimes.

Tell us more OP so we can help.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 05/08/2008 11:00

tell him to grow up and fuck off to be honest is mine.

why should you get up at 5.30 with him when the kids are off school?? can he not make his own sandwiches, more to the point if thats the case that you make them how about doing them the night before?

any particular reason for not wanting sex with him - althou can't see why you would with a man like that tbh!

oh and the threats re pension etc - they're just that i'd say. don't listen to his threats, and emotional blackmail (cos lets face it that's what it is here - no sex = no pension)

you're meant to be a partnership are you not - equals just cos he works and you (i'm assuming don't) provide financially to the pot doesn't mean you're any less worthy within the relationship.

if he's really insistent on the time/sandwiches I think i'd tell him to go to his mothers house where he can be the child all he likes cos you already have 2! lol.

DaddyJ · 05/08/2008 11:01

I would hide his torch.

NomDePlume · 05/08/2008 11:01

Not normal behaviour in my marriage.

HumphreyPinCushion · 05/08/2008 11:03

I think you need to establish what you want to do.

His behaviour with the bright light is odd.

If you never want to have sex with him is it because you don't love him anymore, because he behaves oddly, or because you have loss of libido?

Is your husband stressed at work?

It sounds like his resents the fact you are at home - have you told him exactly how hard it is to look after children all day?

I think you need to think about whether the problems you both have with your relationship may resolve from talking, or having counselling.

I may have misread the OP, but I didn't read anything about rape.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 05/08/2008 11:03

daddyj!

althou I've come to the conclusion on this site there is no 'normal' for within a marriage.

deffo sounds like there's not any love/respect coming from his side thou.

Original poster

aguasdulces · 05/08/2008 11:04

Hello loopylou6
i know what every one is saying but he feels that I show a lack of respect and love for him when i don't want to do it with him and am unfriendly to him when he gets back from work. - even though I am normally busy with putting out tea and kids etc. He get a cooked meal every night so I am looking after him. The problem is he has nowhere to go if he left and I have nowhere to go also as I couldn't leave the kids. He refuses to leave and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 05/08/2008 11:05

if he effectively tried thou humphry and she submitted but didn't actually want to then I can see how that is classed as rape yes, think that's what IWTBF is on about.

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 05/08/2008 11:05

hang on a mo, love n respect is a 2 way street in my book why should he demand it when he's showing you none??

TheArmadillo · 05/08/2008 11:06

you show a lack of love and respect by doing the dinner and getting kids ready for bed

what does he expect to happen when he comes in?

VinegarTits · 05/08/2008 11:07

He wants you to get up with him when he has to get up for work? he is acting like one of your dc, he sounds like an intimidating, controlling, bully, this is not normal behaviour. It's no wonder you don't want sex with him, he hardly had attractive trates in his personality

objectivity · 05/08/2008 11:07

I've left domestic abuse. I also put up with it for a very long time. Both are quite do able, but only one long-term.

You might be able to create a better relationship by standing up to him. Although it is ALWAYS the abusers fault, I do believe that some pairings of people allow the abuser to function as his abusive self iyswim. They cleverly test the boundaries until they are basically controlling your every move. If they tried this with other people in their lives they wouldn't getaway with it (think boss at work, father, colleagues, sister) and so they are not their abusive selves with these people. I might even go so far as to say that some abusers (subconsciously or otherwise) 'handpick' their relationship victims at the courtship stage.

Anyway,I think you should attempt- perhaps instead of leaving- to stand up to your DH but you REALLY REALLY need to be sure this won't enrage him and put you at risk of physical harm. Try telling him "no" and informing him that you are not on sandwich duty. Say "I'll let you know when I feel like sex" and also get your financial position cleared up and inform him of your rights there too.

If this doesn't see a change in his bullying behaviour then do leave. It's likely to make your life a miseryif you stay.

beanieb · 05/08/2008 11:07

Do you love him?

loopylou6 · 05/08/2008 11:07

is there any reason why you are not friendly with him? do you still love him? maybe he is reverting to childish/threatening behaviour because hes desperatly trying toget a reaction out of you? if you do still love him, why not get the children in bed early and have a good talk with him, tell him your problems and ask him his? if however you dont love him anymore then tell him, he will have to sort out a place to live.

MmeLindt · 05/08/2008 11:09

He is showing a distinct lack of love and respect to you by shining a light in your eyes and bullying you to have sex.

Do you find him attractive? Are you off sex because you don't want to have sex with him or because you are too tired after spending the day with the DCs?

Original poster

aguasdulces · 05/08/2008 11:23

I'm afraid it's true that I don't want have sex with him because I don't love him and am not attracted to him anymore. I should have spotted his control freak behaviour earlier however now I feel that by marrying him and having two kids with him I am in too deep to get out. We do need to talk but his ego is obviously seriously dented by my behaviour.
The reason I'm not friendly is because he repels me so much physically and because I'm hoping he'll just get really fed up of me and leave.

OP posts:

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