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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this normal behaviour in a marriage?

74 replies

aguasdulces · 05/08/2008 10:53

This morning my husband woke me up with his alarm clock at about 5.30 and shone a bright light in my eyes and effectively tried to get me to have sex with him ( he calls it a cuddle) and then complained that I never get up with him when he has to go to work in the school holidays and that I should make his sandwiches. I know that he knows that I don't want to have sex with him anymore and I don't know what to do about it. He threatens me by saying that he'll make sure I won't get his pension and if he dies everything will go to the kids - now he's saying I must pay for the upkeep of my rustbucket car - because I don't look after him/am not friendly enough to him.
It's probably fair but I just don't want to have sex with him.
I am here with two kids look after and he just tries to make me feel guilty that he is working and that it's alright for me and this is the line he takes nearly every single day. what would you do?

OP posts:

Iwanttobreakfree · 05/08/2008 11:24

Spandex - yes that is what I was getting at!

OP - you can get him to leave if he is abusing you. Did he rape you?
If so the police can help.

If you don't want to do that you can present yourself and your kids to your local housing office as homeless stating that your partner is abusive to you. They will have to house you.

Get to know your rights. Call CAB. call local womens aid.

Good luck

justaboutagrownup · 05/08/2008 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

objectivity · 05/08/2008 11:31

It isn't a case of 'in too deep to leave'. Life for all would be so much better if you did given everything you've said.

Being strict here: Stay with this bully and risk your two children learning first hand from their parents how to be victim or abuser as adults themselves. You are teaching them to put abuse, he is teaching them that that is a reasonable way to treat women.

Cruel of me to be so stark but it is true and you sadly DO need to know that in order to counter your feelings of being in too deep to get out.

objectivity · 05/08/2008 11:32

put up* with abuse

loopylou6 · 05/08/2008 12:00

well done, you have made the first step. You need to get the ball rolling, you are not in to deep to get out at all, i dont know how old you are, but there is a whole new happiness out there for you, and you need to grasp it with both hands, 2nd step, tell your h its over

Original poster

aguasdulces · 05/08/2008 13:37

HumphreyPinCushion - are you a man?

OP posts:

beanieb · 05/08/2008 17:06

does it matter?

blueskythinker · 05/08/2008 20:49

If you speak to womens aid they can give you some practical advice - for example, start saving some money for yourself, in case you need to leave.

No, this is not normal behaviour. I find it chilling.

Someone else asked if he is a policeman. Is he?

How long have you been together. What ages are your kids?

tweeni · 05/08/2008 21:03

Did you end up having sex with him?

laura325630 · 05/08/2008 21:11

Get rid of him. I cant believe he did that. Go and get legal advice and have everything sorted before you tell him. My friend did this, the situation was different, and moved all of her important paper work etc to her mums house so that he couldnt touch it.

Original poster

aguasdulces · 05/08/2008 21:35

I don't mean that he shone a torch in my face - he just turns on his bedside light full blast so that you can't shut your eyes and pretend to be asleep. Then he just creeps closer and closer while I am nearly falling out of bed trying to get away from him. I didn't do it with him this time but I have had to in the past for instance we were once driving to a family get together with the DCs and I wouldn't have been able to read the map and drive with the kids in the back so he said if I didn't do it with him he wouldn't come with me and I would have to go on my own without the DCs so they wouldn't get a day out. Just tonight he is saying that I should go to bed early with him because he has to get up at six o'clock.
Normally he makes a big deal if you go to bed after 10.30 if he is in bed because he thinks I should take part in his strict regime even in the summer holidays.
I can't leave him we have no family here and the kids would be really upset.

OP posts:

tweeni · 05/08/2008 21:37

please see what financial rights you have. you are not happy. you need to get out. your dc need a happy mummy.

Original poster

aguasdulces · 05/08/2008 21:39

He is not a policeman but he does have a strict disciplinarian Catholic streak thing going on and is a very un-fun type person to live with. But he is good at controlling the DCs and is very organised and hard-working. We have been married nearly 10 years and have two DCs age 5 and 7.

OP posts:

amber32002 · 05/08/2008 21:42

It's possible to get him out of the house. Women's Aid will be able to give you help and advice, even if you can't imagine that this is a case of domestic violence. His behaviour is abusive, from what you write, and you are entitled to get help to have him separated from you. There may be things you haven't thought of, and women's aid will know or will put in touch with people who might know. [[http://www.womensaid.org.uk]
The website shows you how you can hide that you've even looked at that website so he won't guess.

findtheriver · 05/08/2008 21:54

Why the hell are you in this marriage?
Of course he shouldnt shine a light in your eyes and try to demand sex.
Of course you shouldnt be staying with him because he provides a roof over your head and has had two children with you.
This sounds like a totally loveless partnership, void of any respect - from either of you.
I think the first step is accepting that hoping he'll get fed up and leave is a hopeless passive response. Maybe he is feeling the same about you. It won't get you anywhere. Life is not going to be easy because breaking up the family will be stressful in all sorts of ways, and you may have to accept that you have to get work and become independent. But it sounds like the only way forward. This is so totally NOT normal for a marriage!

Tortington · 05/08/2008 22:00

i dont think this is DV and i think your all getting hysterical

the dh is a twat to be sure - but the OP isn't exactly a full picnic either if you ask me.

she is withholding emionalyand physically from the marriage nd saying its ok becuae she 'looks after him' by cooking him tea and presumably other household chores.

she is being his way becuase she wants him to leave.

IMO twats all round - poor bleedin' kids thats all i have to say - you pair of cowards

findtheriver · 05/08/2008 22:20

I agree custardo.

I think that if a man were to post on here saying he refuses to have sex with his wife because she physically repels him, he'd be flamed.

The other thing that the OP implies is that the two children are school age. (If they are preschool, then why the reference to school holidays in the OP?)
TBH if I were at home and not working with my dcs in school, I bloody well would get up in the school holidays and make my husband his sandwiches for lunch because I'd know I was onto a bloody easy ride in comparison!!

Original poster

aguasdulces · 05/08/2008 22:39

I know you are right - I did get up to make his sandwiches and I know that I am not very nice about him. I do work in term time -just not in the holidays. I know that it would be better if I worked more and I need to do more hours to put more money in the pot so that there is more respect in our relationship - it should be more give and take that is true.

OP posts:

findtheriver · 05/08/2008 22:47

Well that explains a little better. Yes, if you have term time only work, then you're having an easy ride in comparison to your DH (13 weeks holiday a year!! Even with kids to look after that's a pretty damn nice working arrangement!). So it's only reasonable to take more responsibility in the home than your full time worker hubby.
I don't agree that it's a simple equation that putting more money in the pot = more respect.
You have admitted to finding your husband physically repellent, and also that you don't love him. I think you need to consider seriously whether you can stay in a marriage where you feel that.

tweeni · 05/08/2008 22:52

I don't know about sandwiches but i do agree if one person is off whilst the other is at work they shouldn't leave dinner/all the cleaning etc for the person who has been at work to do.

agirlandtwoboys · 05/08/2008 23:07

But there is off and 'off'
I am a SAHM.
My dp works overseas. Home at midnight friday and gone at 5am monday.
I do it all at home albeit on the back of his wage which yes, is pretty damned good, however, he does nothing all weekend. Doesn't lift a finger unless it is for HIM. Doesn't play with, bath, feed kids. Wont nip to the shop if we run out of something. I should have done it/thought about it. I get the house keeping money, £600/month for food, birthday presents, my mobile and in fact a load of stuff, but if I go over my over draft I have to borrow from my single mum, skint best mate.
And then he thinks i gonna want to sleep with him.
Please dont give me all that he's at work all week crap. SO AM I. And so is the OP. She obviously works term time only so that she has some-one to look after THEIR kids in the hols.

tweeni · 05/08/2008 23:09

IMO once both people are at home (ie one is back from work) chores should be shared.

handlemecarefully · 05/08/2008 23:12

His behaviour is indeed very off - but then he is possibly feeling desperately rejected and senses that you find him physically repugnant.

I just think you have a relationship which doesn't work any more with zero chance of rescuing it

Anniegetyourgun · 05/08/2008 23:12

Dinner/all the cleaning? I didn't get that from the OP. The opposite if anything.

findtheriver · 05/08/2008 23:14

I don't think anyone is saying that looking after children is always easy. And yes, of course there should be give and take in a relationship. Your dp,agirlandtwoboys, sounds as though he's totally uninterested in joining in family life and wont lift a finger. I wouldnt put up with that - not on at all.
I still think though, that term time working is relatively cushty to a full time job, and therefore the OP should accept that along with looking after the kids, she does more of the home stuff.
In all these situations, where the partners aren't happy, there's always the option to change the situation. Sometimes both parents going out to work in less full-on, stressful jobs can be better all round than one person working their arses off as provider and the other person being stuck at home. It means communicating and compromising

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