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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this normal behaviour in a marriage?

74 replies

aguasdulces · 05/08/2008 10:53

This morning my husband woke me up with his alarm clock at about 5.30 and shone a bright light in my eyes and effectively tried to get me to have sex with him ( he calls it a cuddle) and then complained that I never get up with him when he has to go to work in the school holidays and that I should make his sandwiches. I know that he knows that I don't want to have sex with him anymore and I don't know what to do about it. He threatens me by saying that he'll make sure I won't get his pension and if he dies everything will go to the kids - now he's saying I must pay for the upkeep of my rustbucket car - because I don't look after him/am not friendly enough to him.
It's probably fair but I just don't want to have sex with him.
I am here with two kids look after and he just tries to make me feel guilty that he is working and that it's alright for me and this is the line he takes nearly every single day. what would you do?

OP posts:

tweeni · 05/08/2008 23:29

i never said anything about the op was just saying that i wasn't sure if she should make the sandwiches or not.

Quattrocento · 05/08/2008 23:32

What he is saying is complete nonsense by the way. If you do break up then you will be entitled to a share of his pension.

I am assuming you don't work so how on earth are you expected to pay for the upkeep of your car?

agirlandtwoboys · 05/08/2008 23:56

Sorry. I am feeling particularly pissed off with my dp at the mo. Its summer hols and so dd is off school and obviously everything is massively expensive. He won't give me a penny more to entertain the kids etc..etc..
They can only do so much painting, stickin and gluein and bakin at home with me, and they are bloody bored.
I never stop all day 365 days a year. I have no social life, gav up a bloody good career to bring up kids(13months between youngest 2 aged 2 and 3)as couldn't afford childcare and today he tells me over the phone 'get off your lazy fuckin arse, get yourself a fuckin job and contribute to this fuckin family!' all cos i asked for more money

tweeni · 06/08/2008 00:01

you shouldn't have to ask for money. don't you have a joint account?

agirlandtwoboys · 06/08/2008 00:03

no. no joint account. i dont earn, therefore all money is doled out by him

tweeni · 06/08/2008 00:06

you need to sort a joint account out to avoid this. maybe you should suggest it to him?

findtheriver · 06/08/2008 00:09

I'm confused. You said in a previous post that you work term time, and now that you don't earn.

tweeni · 06/08/2008 00:12

2 different posters

thumbwitch · 06/08/2008 00:16

no it's not normal behaviour in a marriage! But I agree, you do need to talk to each other and work out where you go from here, whether you love him enough to work it out, or whether you should just call it a day.

If my DH woke me at 5:30 without a VERY good reason, the response would be a swift kick in the nads, torch or no torch!

findtheriver · 06/08/2008 00:16

.... with the same name?!

findtheriver · 06/08/2008 00:18

Yeap, just checked. OP definitely said on earlier post she works in term time and has school hols off. And now she says she doesnt earn. Hmmm.

thumbwitch · 06/08/2008 00:20

troll then?

findtheriver · 06/08/2008 00:21

Definitely confused at the very least!!

tweeni · 06/08/2008 00:25

the op hasn't said she doesn't earn ... she says she works in term time.

Original poster

aguasdulces · 06/08/2008 12:09

Excuse me! Can I just make it clear that I don't have two names - I don't know who a giriandtwoboys is!

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 06/08/2008 12:23

aguasdulces - this may or may not be of help to you.
A friend's sister was married to an overbearing bully, who did subject her to marital rape, and he was a policeman so she couldn't do much about it via the police.
So she divorced him but continued to live in the same house as him, because of her kids and because they couldn't afford to split.

BUT this took away his conjugal rights, and if he had tried to force her it would have been rape and she would have been able to call in the police more easily. Her boys were 11 and 14 when they divorced but didn't find out about it until they were 18 and 21 - I don't condone not telling the DCs, but it is an option that you could consider if you really don't love this man and find him so repellent.

Original poster

aguasdulces · 06/08/2008 12:32

It's true that my DH acts a lot like a policeman or army officer although I know that he sometimes does that because he cares about me and is a good manager. I do feel a bit sorry for him because his job is quite hard and he has to manage other people and this trickles down into our relationship and home life because he is dominated by his work and then can't relax at home.

OP posts:

findtheriver · 06/08/2008 12:44

Does he have a HR person or line manager he can talk to about the pressures of work? He may be excellent at managing people, but if he is bringing the emotional stress home with him and it's affecting you like this, then something isnt right.
It may mean a complete overhaul of things - possibly even looking at different jobs, making the work/home balance more even between you. I know a lot of couples find it stressful when one has the major breadwinner pressure and the other feels that they are having all the burden of home stuff and that when they do work, it's just for pin money.
Or are things completely beyond repair? It definitely sounded like that from some previous posts - but maybe you were feeling really down? I think you need a heart to heart with your DH. Can you get the kids off to bed early, or find a babysitter so you can go out and thrash things out together?

agirlandtwoboys · 06/08/2008 12:45

Sorry aguasdulces. I sort of hijacked your thread last night. Am just so cross with my dp. Didnt intend anyone to think i was you

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 06/08/2008 12:58

sorry to sound harsh but he might be good at his job but you are NOT 'one of his people to manage' your household is not something else he has to manage - when XH and I were working at our best was when he realised that him trying to be boss wasn't working. (he had to manage people as well) I gave up fighting back in the end thou)

but you are equal to your husband, you are not beneath him (as suggested when saying about his people management skills')

can he have some extra help oin work? on the face of it - if you want to fight for this relationship and get the love going again (which I think you can) you both need to accept your parts in the family home and re define your roles as equals again.

it might be worth looking into councilling/relate or such likes. he's the alpha male dominant one and you're more the submissive - you need to get the balance right and back again.

(I stand by yesterday thou - if my X - or in fact any future partner had said that to me i'd tell them to fuck off and then ask them to look at the relationship.)

Original poster

aguasdulces · 09/08/2008 22:37

Yes I am miserable and my life is not normal but I not going to do the right thing all the time.

OP posts:

TattooedGrrrl · 10/08/2008 05:58

aguadulces- he may be a good manager at work, which perhaps transfers to him being bossy about your 'duties' at home, but the fact he's like this over sex is all wrong.

I think you need a frank discussion about what your expectations are of each other. Sit down and calmly ask him what exactly he expects you to do at home- don't interupt and face pull, however 1950s his reply is, then tell him what YOU think is reasonable and reach an agreement. Do it over his favourite dinner on the weekend if need be.

But i really think a shitty sex life and the housework / sandwich making are seperate issues. Maybe once his attitude improves and you reach a housework / sandwich making compromise, you'll be more in the mood.

And if he's that good a manager, he'll know you get more out of people with motivation, not terrorising them.

dearlyRejected · 22/08/2008 16:52

if i may, i'm kinda feeling rejected too, but i'm trying to get over it. my DW takes good care of our 6 months old but i feel left out as far as attnetion goes. she's repulsed by me even though i work, then come home and bathe and play wiht the baby, help wiht dishes and sometimes cook. then i want to have sex wiht a willing partner and all i get is "ew, get off!" "i'm tired" dang, what's 15 minutes? how hard is it to be romantic? why does it have to be the guy's deal to instigate sex? flirt a little. just be playful and sexual.

you people are so worried about rape and all that. if she's not into sex, your dang right i'm not going to initiate BC all you people would call me a rapist. i'm hardworking DH who would love nothing more than i wife who wants me.

it's that what marriage is all about? best friends sharing life and looking forward to time to boink each other's brains out? i guess i'm deluded.

jaanpa · 23/08/2008 12:57

Wow, there are so many people with issues on this thread!
Op, I feel sorry for you and your husband. He is clearly feeling rejected and unloved and tbh, I do think that sex is an important part of a relationship. Yes, I know there are times when we all feel tired or just not in the mood and I think that is fine. I do not though, think is is fine to make it clear to your husband that you find him physically repulsive and to tell him you don't want sex with him but to then exect him to be absolutely fine with that! Would you be happy if he was having a sexual relationship outside the home? If so, tell him and give him the choice. You cannot expect him to be celibate just because it suits you! Like you, I only work during term time. I agree with those who say it is an easier choice than for those who work full time. When my children were younger, I accepted that school holidays were times when I would take on more responsibility around the home because I was not at work in the day time. At their ages, unless they have SN, your children do not need you to be at their beck and call every minute of the day. During term time I think it is reasonable that the other half helps more because you are also out earning at those times. If you are sure you do not want this marriage to work IN EVERY WAY, including sex, you must do something about it because it is not fair to any of you to allow this situation to continue.

dearlyRejected. I feel so sad for you. However, I do remember that when my children were as young as yours, very often my poor husband was greeted witha stark choice when he arrived home from work: sort out the baby or cook dinner so that I could have a shower and get dressed! ( this at 7pm!) I was never repulsed by my husband but was truly knackered whacked out! Even 15 minutes for sex was too much at times. Try telling her how much you love her, take her for a meal or get in a take away and some wine, candles etc, be flirty with her, let her know you are not expecting sex and trust me, she will soon rediscover her libido. It wasn't until my husband had to look after our baby son on his own for a week that he truly realised how tiring it is! Don't give up, but don't get sulky if she says no. It will come right in the end!
Good luck.

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