Would you leave your DH for this?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I posted about this last night under my other name, but I've decided to come clean and tell all, as you lot are brilliant and clever and will know what to do. I haven't got a clue.

My DH is OK most of the time, a good father, and helps out a lot at home. He's not an amazing provider-type as he has only just started working for himself, but he tries. We make each other laugh and the sex is lovely.

BUT. He has a temper, and he refuses to stop smoking weed (which he does every day, at least 1 joint a day), despite my asking him to repeatedly.

Years ago we went on holiday and he totally changed on the last day, started a huge row, called me a "whale" and other lovely things, and I ended up leaving that night to spend the night in a hotel. I went back the next morning and he'd pulled chunks of his hair out and scratched his face.

We had counselling which didn't do much, then chugged along as before.

We've since had rows in which he has become violent and frustrated - pushing me out of the house, raising a chair, pushing me on to a bed. A few days ago on holiday we had another one, and he ended up calling me fat, chucking a carrier bag of clothes at me and walking out.

I've had enough. He has been slightly contrite since, but you can tel he doesn't think he's done anything that bad.

I've told him I'm leaving, but I have no idea how to do that, and am not 100% sure it's the right thing to do. I've gone totally off him, as you would, but I have no money and no idea how to leave.

Any ideas? We have a 5 yo DS and a 6-month old DS.

I do have incredibly low self-esteem, always have had. I remember wanting to chuck him when we were dating, but worrying I was too old to ever find anyone else. (I was 29.)

Thing is, before we got married I was in a mess in my head, having roundy-roundy thoughts every day: "If he loved me, surely he'd act like xyz... If he was mad on me, wouldn't he do abc.." Eventually I had a mini meltdown at work, had to see a psychologist and was prescribed anti-depressants.

I was asking everyone, "He does this [some lame behaviour - not violent, but annoying] - shouldn't I ditch him?" And nobody said yes IRL!

It's the same now. None of my friends are cheering me on to leave him, so I feel confused, like I'm being over-dramatic (I do that) and irrational.

I'm very high-maintenance with men. Not now, as you can tell! But in the past. I used to ditch men for the slightest offence. I would have more confidence on my own, I'm sure, but I wonder if that would only be because I'd managed to make my self-fulfiling prophesy come true... IE, "I knew you never loved me, I pushed you into proving it, I was right, I'm unlovable, the end."

Do I sound COMPLETELY bonkers?? Maybe I need massive counselling.

Stay with him and then you can tell your DIL's to stay with your sons and maybe your GDIL's because your sons and eventually grandsons will have such a good role model.

"But we have 2 kids and that has got to be a reason to give it one last go, do you think?"

Yes it is, like I said, you don't want them growing up knowing "what women are for". Would you want to watch them treating their wives the same? You will have the knowledge that you could have done something about it.

"I have asked everyone about this IRL, and not one person has said to kick him out. Not one."

Have you been as honest IRL as you have here? From my experience people tend to be a bit more frank on line than they would be with friends and family. I know I could never have told my family what XH was like, let alone friends who were joint friends!

"Let's be honest for a minute - it's very easy for you all to tell me to throw him out. But you won't have to actually do it yourselves."

But some of us did, me for one. I felt similar to you (I didn't have kids thankfully but there was a chance I was pregnant when I left him, I was too scared to test incase it affected my decision and lost it - if it was an it - shortly after) and I couldn't see how I would get through the other side of live life after him. I've been on the sick since 5 years before we split up, so I knew I'd have no money when I left and it was very close to Christmas. I had no where to go as Mum had an already full house (I ended up on her living room floor). It made me more sick than I had ever been. I took it one step at a time and got through it far better than I ever thought I would. Everytime I needed it a new door opened.

"Divorce is meant to be horrific. Can I really manage all this by myself?"

Not necessarily. Just put it in the hands of the solicitor. Let them deal with all the nasty stuff.

As well as you putting money aside, why don't you get him to put his weed money aside and if things do work out between you when he comes back in September maybe you can use it to do something together. I think he will be amazed at how much weed costs.

you have given hoi some ultimatums and thats good, well done. it is easy for us to say "chuck him" stick to your guns and make him work for you