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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you leave your DH for this?

129 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 04/08/2008 09:37

I posted about this last night under my other name, but I've decided to come clean and tell all, as you lot are brilliant and clever and will know what to do. I haven't got a clue.

My DH is OK most of the time, a good father, and helps out a lot at home. He's not an amazing provider-type as he has only just started working for himself, but he tries. We make each other laugh and the sex is lovely.

BUT. He has a temper, and he refuses to stop smoking weed (which he does every day, at least 1 joint a day), despite my asking him to repeatedly.

Years ago we went on holiday and he totally changed on the last day, started a huge row, called me a "whale" and other lovely things, and I ended up leaving that night to spend the night in a hotel. I went back the next morning and he'd pulled chunks of his hair out and scratched his face.

We had counselling which didn't do much, then chugged along as before.

We've since had rows in which he has become violent and frustrated - pushing me out of the house, raising a chair, pushing me on to a bed. A few days ago on holiday we had another one, and he ended up calling me fat, chucking a carrier bag of clothes at me and walking out.

I've had enough. He has been slightly contrite since, but you can tel he doesn't think he's done anything that bad.

I've told him I'm leaving, but I have no idea how to do that, and am not 100% sure it's the right thing to do. I've gone totally off him, as you would, but I have no money and no idea how to leave.

Any ideas? We have a 5 yo DS and a 6-month old DS.

OP posts:
beanieb · 04/08/2008 12:19

"Beanieb: coupled with pushing her onto a bed, pushing her out of the house and threatening her with a chair, I would say so. Or do you think it's only 'violence' if blood is drawn? "

I think there are two sides to every story and I think that the OP needs legal advice re the house.

TinkerBellesMum · 04/08/2008 12:20

I didn't leave my XH because he never hit me, but what he did was worse IMO because I would have hit him back, I would have left, my family wouldn't have let him get away with it etc if he hit me. But I didn't think it was that bad, now though I can see it was and wish that I had done something sooner.

Get professional advice, they will offer you the support to do whatever needs doing once you have gone to them. Until then you are alone with a bunch of women on the internet speculating about what you could do.

Tortington · 04/08/2008 12:21

agreed

irishbird · 04/08/2008 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mamazon · 04/08/2008 12:38

At the end of the day, we don't know you or your Dh and we certainly do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

You are worried thatyou wont be taken seriously...i can understand that. i stayed for years because it just didnt "seem like shelter serious"

the first act of physical violace i can recall was a push onto a bed.
then followed the verbal abuse, the criticism and general twuntish behaviour.
by the time i left i was subjected to pretty much every act of violance out there.

if your not in a position to make a decision yet then don't. phone Shelter, phone Womens Aid, even phone the housing department at the local council....and get the information you need to help you make an informed decision.

you can wait until 2009 and if you want...by then your list of abuse will be longer and maybe you will have a better case.
Or maybe you could leave now before he hits you "properly" and your children earn the emotional scars Dv leaves.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 04/08/2008 12:47

Oh God. OK, will ring Shelter, etc, and get advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 04/08/2008 12:50

The weird thing is... DH has a fetish, for extreme spanking. (This is embarrassing to admit.) He likes porn that shows women whose arses are bleeding, through being spanked.

We don't do the spanking thing as I'm not into it. He watches porn in secret when I'm out, which doesn't really bother me, tbh.

But maybe he might get violent if it all kicked off and he knew he had nothing left to lose, because he has a thing for it?

You think?

OP posts:
Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 04/08/2008 12:51

Mamazon, how long were you with your DH? I'm so, so sorry you had to go through all that.

OP posts:
TinkerBellesMum · 04/08/2008 12:59

The fetish question is not straight forward. It doesn't mean he is violent, but it does depend whether he can separate out fantasy from reality and whether he sees it as something purely sexual. Most people with fetishes like that are completely different in real life - subs are often in managerial positions in work etc.

Kally · 04/08/2008 13:08

Don't know if I wouldn't be a bit scared (if not a lot) if my partner wasn't upset by seeing women being hurt like that. Fetish, Fetish. But the implications of this type of fetish and his nasty behaviour...
Its not like a foot fetish, or a bit of rough play. He gets turned on by seeing real actual bleeding arses.
Maybe I'm a total pacifist.
I can tolerate fetishes but not 'violence and pain' so where does this sort of kick off inside of him. I would be more than worried. Am I alone in this thought? Its a bad sign to me..

TinkerBellesMum · 04/08/2008 13:11

Plenty of people do have those sort of fetishes though but it's separate from their vanilla life. I don't know if in this situation I would worry about whether he can separate his fetish from the vanilla.

It's a bit like (not counting this man, I mean in general) worrying whether another woman will be after you just because she is a lesbian.

FloriaTosca · 04/08/2008 13:26

It sounds like the drugs are to blame to me too. One of my cousins had a similar problem with her dp..she put her foot down and told him to leave until he sorted himself out (easier for her as the house was in her name)he made an effort for the sake of the kids (and the fact that living with his parents was hell) and 5mths later she let him move back. They are still together now 15yrs later

Kally · 04/08/2008 13:29

I reckon the weed is to blame too.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 04/08/2008 13:58

I have spoken to Shelter (thanks so much Custardo for these numbers) and the National Domestic Voilence thingy. It was valuable, not just for the validation! It is unreasonable behaviour, I'm not imagining it.

I'm just scared that, if I start leaving, he'll get worse. I don't know. He has a very supportive family so idealy they'd stop him going mentalist, but I still scare myself with images of what might happen.

I think it's over though, definitely. Fuck this noise.

The Dom Voilence women pointed out that he is trying to control the marriage, and he is playing the part of "the parent" and making me "the child". That is a definite dynamic in our house, I just hadn't seen it before. The way he doesn't really acvknowledge my work, or even read any of the books I write!

I'd need to contact a solicitor to move forwards on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 04/08/2008 13:59

VIOLENCE, VIOLENCE... Why can't I spell it??!

OP posts:
TinkerBellesMum · 04/08/2008 14:05

I'm really pleased to hear it! Speaking to someone who can tell you that it's not right is such a relief. I hope it's given you some more determination and strength to go to the solicitor now.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 04/08/2008 14:12

Yes!

I said to the DV woman that it couldn't be that bad, as he'd never hit me, and wasn't like this every day. She said those are the 2 most common myths about DV.

OP posts:
lilmissmummy · 04/08/2008 14:12

Well done for contacting those organisations- the NDV team were a godsend for me and got me out of a very nasty situation.

It is definately unreasonable behaviour and it sounds like it is getting worse. Do you really want to get to the position where you do not have enough confidence, self esteem or strength to get out when you need to.

Can you speak to your local council to find emergency accomodation? If you dont feel strong enough to change the locks or if you are not entitled to stay in the property (which I believe you are) then they should be able to offer you a bed and breakfast or hostel until they can find you something more permenant!

When are you seeing the solicitor?

Are you feeling okay about all of this?

beanieb · 04/08/2008 14:31

I don't think having a thing for spanking would always lead to violence against a partner.

taliac · 04/08/2008 14:49

I agree with beanieb. I don't think you can equate his viewing tastes with his character. My DH has been known to spend large amounts of time killing people on his PS3, but it does not make me worry about his murderous tendencies.

The thing is, are you instinctively scared of him? Me & DH have had some tremendous slanging matches over the years, only a couple of weeks ago he flung a newspaper across the room in rage. But I was not at any point scared of him, and nor have I ever been.

I have been so angry after a fight with DH that I beat up the washing machine (the door broke, it wasn't pretty.) But I would never have hit him.

Pretty much everyone fights with their DP, for those of us with tempers it can get ugly, and things can get said that shouldn't have been.. The question for you is: Are you genuinely scared that he might hurt you? And has the fighting and insulting gone past what is acceptable? Only you know the answer to that.

I do agree that its pretty tough on your DS for the two of you to be fighting in front of him. But then again, you can't always keep fights / loud disagreements away from your DC, even when you try to they generally pick up on it. I think the only healthy way of dealing with this is for DC to see you standing up for yourself in a disagreement, and most importantly to see it resolved happily. If you can never stand up for yourself for fear of what might happen, or if matters never get resolved, then you've got a problem IMO.

TinkerBellesMum · 04/08/2008 14:50

That's exactly what I would have said at the time. It took me a long time to accept that it was that bad. I'm really glad it helped you to speak to them.

lislou · 04/08/2008 14:54

well its all about what you want from life.
abuse or no abuse.

simple really.
you werent put on this earth to put up with waserks!

kids involved too

you know the rules about that,they cant see that kind of thing!

protect yourself and your kids.

keep quiet,solicitor,go home,carrier bag,his clothes in it,boot him out,SIMPLE!

beanieb · 04/08/2008 14:56

ood post taliac

solidgoldbrass · 04/08/2008 15:31

Lots of people like spanking but do not abuse their partners in a non-consensual way. His fetishes are not really relevant to his bullying behaviour.

TinkerBellesMum · 04/08/2008 16:46

This song really meant a lot to me when I was thinking about leaving. I just stumbled on it looking for something out.