Would you leave your DH for this?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I posted about this last night under my other name, but I've decided to come clean and tell all, as you lot are brilliant and clever and will know what to do. I haven't got a clue.

My DH is OK most of the time, a good father, and helps out a lot at home. He's not an amazing provider-type as he has only just started working for himself, but he tries. We make each other laugh and the sex is lovely.

BUT. He has a temper, and he refuses to stop smoking weed (which he does every day, at least 1 joint a day), despite my asking him to repeatedly.

Years ago we went on holiday and he totally changed on the last day, started a huge row, called me a "whale" and other lovely things, and I ended up leaving that night to spend the night in a hotel. I went back the next morning and he'd pulled chunks of his hair out and scratched his face.

We had counselling which didn't do much, then chugged along as before.

We've since had rows in which he has become violent and frustrated - pushing me out of the house, raising a chair, pushing me on to a bed. A few days ago on holiday we had another one, and he ended up calling me fat, chucking a carrier bag of clothes at me and walking out.

I've had enough. He has been slightly contrite since, but you can tel he doesn't think he's done anything that bad.

I've told him I'm leaving, but I have no idea how to do that, and am not 100% sure it's the right thing to do. I've gone totally off him, as you would, but I have no money and no idea how to leave.

Any ideas? We have a 5 yo DS and a 6-month old DS.

Agree with Dittany (though am complete cynic).
Hope you're ok Beautiful - not surprised you're feeling exhausted. Hope you're looking after yourself and getting some support.

Thanks dittany, you've said it better than me

Oh GOD!

Christ, I'm so confused. I think he's been an arse and I could probably do a bilion times' better, and he does make me depressed...

But we have 2 kids and that has got to be a reason to give it one last go, do you think?

I'm desperate not to be a doormat as I have been doormatty with him madly in love from 1st date, went all soppy, chased him, ugh but ARGH.

In an ideal world, I'd heartlessly boot him out, but these boys need him, don't they?

Fark me, this is so confusing. I was listening to Duffy's "Warwick Avenue" on repeat this afternoon. If only I'd chucked him years ago when all it would have taken was a 5-minute phone convo! But then I wouldn't have my gorgeous boys.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Dittany -- "It makes the relationship all about him and puts beautiful in the caretaker role."

That describes our marriage very well.

yeah the boys need role modle like that

domt kid yersel' girly, your doing this for you - not them

I'mNotMamaG... -- "My husband is the first person I have ever been myself with, right from day one."

I would LOVE that. I'm not myself with FuckFace. Well, I am now, cos he is being quite doting (for him), but usually I'm edgy and anxious...

Eeek. This isn't sounding great, is it?

christ, whats confusing? your man (well a sorry excuse for one) is a complete arse and your a twit to be putting up with him, lovely sex or no lovely sex

I have asked everyone about this IRL, and not one person has said to kick him out. Not one.

He's not an arse EVERY DAY. It's not like he grumps in from work, kicks me across the floor then slags off the dinner, etc!

stay with him then and let your kids grow up with an arse of a dad and a doormat for a mum

will really do them good

Let's be honest for a minute - it's very easy for you all to tell me to throw him out. But you won't have to actually do it yourselves. I have two kids, one is 6 months old. We have a 3-bedroom house. I work from home and I have a book to write and deliver by the end of November.

If I boot FuckFace out right now, I'm going to have to cope with ALL of that, all on my own, as well as solicitors, tax credits, etc, etc, etc...

So please bear with me if it seems unbearably daunting and draining.

I just can't fit a divorce in at the moment!

I love all your feisty advice, and in my heart I think you're probably all saying the right thing. But god... How the hell am I going to manage all of this on my own?

He does a lot round the house to help. My parents are 45 minutes caway, and Mum doesn't drive. I don't know/can't guess how much help I'd get from FF's parents if this went ahead, despite their hating his weed-smoking (and really liking me).

Divorce is meant to be horrific. Can I really manage all this by myself?

i left my dh and went to a refuge - v. briefly. it took lots of courage to do so. i came back on the proviso tht he went to anger management and we jointly went to relate and he stopped his addiction

those were my terms for his twatty behaviour

he loved me enough to to this and he wanted his family - so he fought for it - he fought himself - but he did.

we got through - but there comes a point when you realise that someone who is supposed to love you - just doesn't treat you like that.

just dont use the old "i'm doing it for the kids" bull shit.

ok - so don't throw him out - what are you going to do - hope he changes - a miracle from the lord? excuse my sarcasm - but you came here telling us he is a twat - telling us that abouthis twatty behaviour - the next minute hes given you a bunch of flowers and its " don't diss my man"

perhaps your not quite there yet - but there does come a point that to have any self respect and dignity you have to have a word with yourself - if he loves you enough he will save your family on the terms you set out - if not bye bye twatface

I don't know how you'll manage, maybe contacting citizens advice would be the first step

you really need to face this, it must be agonising but there must be help and advice out there if you can bear to look for it

good luck

Custardo, I do love you! (really.) I'm not being: "the next minute hes given you a bunch of flowers and its " don't diss my man"", well, at least I'm not meaning to be...

How can I go to a refuge when I have five pieces of work to do next week? That's the kind of thing I mean -- I'm overloaded with work, how the fuck will I get that done while juggling this?

I can't give up work as I'll need the money more than ever.

Am I making pathetic excuses? God.

I told him to do the A-M course, and not touch dope. And he hasn't. I thought that was quite bolshy!

He knows that if he either fails to do the course, or has another spliff, it's over.

In the meantime, I can save up money from the book, and have that in hand for when I kick him out. I can also find a nanny or some kind of help for the boys.

could you move nearer your mum?

Ideally yes, but I'd need us to sell this place so I'd have some money to move with. I have no savings whatsoever.

That's the kind of thing I mean -- I can't afford to swan off by myself yet.

OK, yes, I will. I'll find one that offers that free 30 minute initial appointment and go next week. Just being there will clarify things, and how I feel.

Thank you! That is very helpful, and cheering.

I have been an avid postyer on relationships boards in the past, and I know how frustrating it is when you offer advice to someone who seems to simply refuse to nlisten. When someonbe posts about their life you can look in objectively and see things for what they are... and then it seems pathetic if someone appears to prefer to shut their eyes, jam their fingers in their ears and "La la la" your advice away - ESPECIALLY if they posted to ASK for that advice!

If i'm honest, I haven't got the guts to leave yet. I haven't reached rock-bottom - we haven't lived without weed for any length o time and It might improve things.

If not, a safety-net of money would be very helpful, as would a good self-image.

Also, FF just found out he has the chance to work away from home for 2 weeks at the end of September. That's a perfect chance for me to sample life as a single Mum, albeit briefly.

Please ignore the terrible typing displayed there.