Would you leave your DH for this?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I posted about this last night under my other name, but I've decided to come clean and tell all, as you lot are brilliant and clever and will know what to do. I haven't got a clue.

My DH is OK most of the time, a good father, and helps out a lot at home. He's not an amazing provider-type as he has only just started working for himself, but he tries. We make each other laugh and the sex is lovely.

BUT. He has a temper, and he refuses to stop smoking weed (which he does every day, at least 1 joint a day), despite my asking him to repeatedly.

Years ago we went on holiday and he totally changed on the last day, started a huge row, called me a "whale" and other lovely things, and I ended up leaving that night to spend the night in a hotel. I went back the next morning and he'd pulled chunks of his hair out and scratched his face.

We had counselling which didn't do much, then chugged along as before.

We've since had rows in which he has become violent and frustrated - pushing me out of the house, raising a chair, pushing me on to a bed. A few days ago on holiday we had another one, and he ended up calling me fat, chucking a carrier bag of clothes at me and walking out.

I've had enough. He has been slightly contrite since, but you can tel he doesn't think he's done anything that bad.

I've told him I'm leaving, but I have no idea how to do that, and am not 100% sure it's the right thing to do. I've gone totally off him, as you would, but I have no money and no idea how to leave.

Any ideas? We have a 5 yo DS and a 6-month old DS.

v. proud of yo for phoning up, well done.

Flowers arrived today - a massive bouquet. (Card: "I'm sorry. I love you.") They are my favourite pink lilies. Was so depressing - as I said to the lovely delivery bloke, "I don't need huge apologies, just don't do the thing in the first place."

DH came home announcing he is giving up weed. This is good news, surely. Except I'm so fed up, I can only see that he'll get all charismatic and successful off the drugs, and I'll be in the background, this fat frumpy wife.

You need to decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay with him and try and make things work or do you want to try and make a life for yourself and your children without him.

It is easy for people to say that women who are subjected to DV should leave - in an ideal world they all would, but its not that simple is it? You don't just stop loving someone overnight and you don't just stop seeing the potential good in your partner even if they are being nasty.

Grand gestures are lovely. but as you say...this sin't the first time and if he meant all his apologies he simply wuoldn't keep doing it.

I am so pleased you called and got some advice though. being believed was the biggest support i could have had. i was convinced no one would believe me because im simply not a "victim" i am one of the (seemingly) strongest, most together people my friends know...im just not the sort of person this happens to. he would often tell me that no one would believe me if i told anyone so why embarass myself.

so when i spoke to someone from Womens aid and she was supportive it was like a breath of fresh air.

his promise of quitting the weed is indeed a good thing...whether you stay or go you have children and they will ahve a much better relationship with im if he is sober.

Don't rush into anything. take your time and do what is right for you and your children.

I was with my ex for 7 years. there were times when the violence was daily, others when we went for weeks of calm. i kicked him out many many times, and always toko him back. it wasn't that i was weak or deserved the beatings (as i know now...and it has taken a long time to realise that) its because i simply wasn't ready to end it.

there is no point trying to leave until your ready, if you do there is a strong chance you will return which will inevitably make tyhings worse as it shows him you have "failed" in leaving him. he know thinks he can do as he wants and you can't even leave. (that was certainly how it worked with my x)

Im not saying the your Dh is anything like mine was. but DV does usually follow a patten and unfortunately what you have described so far does fit with the early stages.

If you believe that he couold and would give up smoking for good then by all means assist him in getting help and beating his addiction....but could i suggest that he sought help whilst living withhis parents/friends/another flat.

Amazing how many violent abusive men think that all it takes is a bunch of fucking flowers every now and again.

weed, fucked up my ex dh. he thought it held the answers, but it only opened the door for him to walk.

awful situation.

I gave my XH an ultimatum in October, we go into the next year as a couple or not at all. His birthday is November and by that point I knew even if things changed I didn't want to be with him, I just couldn't get past what had gone on between us. I left him two weeks later, the first week of December. I also knew he needed to still change, because he needed to do it for me. He kept telling me "promise you won't leave me and I'll change" it broke my heart because I had to tell him I couldn't promise he needed to do it for him.

We were together for 4 years before we married and everything was great, I loved him so much, we had fun, it was good. We lasted 15 months in our marriage. Giving it up was the hardest thing I ever did, but that 15 months (not even all of it) was too much to get past and the 4 wonderful years meant nothing. I still love the man I dated and was engaged to, to me he died and a man I didn't like or know replaced him.

It's never easy to leave but you have to see what's on the other side and way it up against staying. Leaving is hard, but then it gets easier.

Beautiful - you know whether or not it is DV. As another posted, some couples are equally as aggressive with each other, both slamming doors, both throwing things etc and that may be acceptable to both.

However, if you are scared, then it is DV.

I am in the same position as you. Minus the weed. He dragged me off the sofa and across the floor last autumn - in front of DD who is 4.

Been to 1 session of Relate. So nice to have the woman say to DH "it has a name it is called Domestic Violence". She recommended a "perpetrators course" and gave DH some leaflets with helplines.

He hasn't rung them yet. I am waiting.

I don't know what to do either. If you want to get in contact with me please do. Sometimes it really helps to talk to someone in the same position.

take care xxx

You've got to work on your self esteem. You say in your response 'you'll be in the background, fat frumpy wife'.... this is his work. Don't say that about yourself. Get help in that too, obviously he's put you down so much over the years your self confidence is in the gutter, and that has to be addressed for you in order to get strong. Also it may help him too if you are really going to make a go of geting this whole thing sorted out. Don't say that about yourself.

you have mentioned your weight several times now. Do you think that perhaps you need to do something to raise your self-esteem? It could be something as simple as getting more exercise. All those endorphins rushing around could have a beneficial effect on your moods.

Sorry - don't have time to read entire thread but I was in a similar position to you two years ago. XP was/is a 'stoner' and would have periods of insane rage when he was verbally abusive and violent. I know that weed is usually thought of as something that makes people mellow, but I think when it's used heavily/long term the paranoia that goes with it can produce very strange behaviour. For example, XP would often completely flip (shout and swear at me infront of DS) because I'd made an innocuous remark about the weather or something. Eventually I got so used to this type of response that I was doubting my own sanity and believing that I really was irritating and insensitive (I'm not).

Get out now - whatever it takes. It's not going to get any better. Sorry to be so blunt but I took XP back so many times and he really didn't want to change - much easier for him to believe everything was my fault. It has taken me the best part of the last two years to regain my confidence and start to like myself again.

You are not fat - no matter how big you are!! You are a beautiful person. I know this because its who you are that counts.

He is an ugly person, because his behaviour is ugly.

It doesn't matter how big you are. I promise.

This confidence thing is a classic one. CLASSIC. He makes you feel bad about yourself. Maybe very subtly but I bet he does.

You are a confident capable woman. You can do anything you want. You can be single. You could start another relationship with a man 1000 times better than him.

Fat isn't the issue. These guys use whatever you're insecure about to put you down because they feel bad about themselves.

Precisely

Have read whole thread now! Please, please see a solicitor (they often do an initial consultation for free) and tell them everything. I think you could get an injunction if you wanted/needed to - yes they do count pushing/shoving/throwing things as domestic violence and will very much take account of things that have happened over the years. There is a court order that can initially remove the violent partner from the family home, but you would need to check out how this would work with his name on the deeds.
I am sorry that your Dad's not supporting you. I had a similar response from mine (he told me to go back to XP after XP went for me with a chair when I was pregnant). It really confused me, as I felt my Dad was the one person in the world who should want to protect me. I eventually had some counselling that made me realise that my Dad has his own 'issues' and that my growing up with him probably hadn't given me a great picture of what to look for in a man as an adult.
Even if you're not ready to end this relationship now I think you should find out what is legally possible should you need to. And keep talking/telling people what is going on - it's so easy to start seeing things as 'normal' when they're really, really not.

Thanks so much all of you. I want to reply individually to you all, but I'm SO miserable, just exhausted and depressed.

Have told DH that if he quits weed and does an anger-management course, he can stay. He said, "I've realisedv that without you, I'm nothing", which is the nicest thing he's ever said, but it's years too late and makes his behaviour even more incomprehensible.

Yesterday, I was still feisty and telling him to find somewhere else to live. Then I decided to make another go of things, and my mood plummeted and all the tension in my shoulders returned.

I think you need to make it crystal clear that he is on probation and you are serious.

First spliff or abusive word or gesture and his stuff will be in bin liners on the front doorstep and his key will not work in the new lock. No second chances, ever.

I don't want to put a dampener on things, but what he said could also be passive control. My XH tried to say similar things to me (see my PP) because he thought it would make me stay. Not saying he is but please be careful what you do and allow him to do. I'd possibly even ask him to move out just until he can get sorted. If he is in the home he may not think you are serious or he may think that you've backed down on this you probably will just keep backing down.

Reasons to leave - smokes weed, insults you verbally, throws things at you, not good for DC's health to have weed in the house, etc

Reasons to stay - you love him, do you? Sex is lovely, could be brilliant with someone else.

I''ve just remembered a saying that goes something like if you can't be someone when you're single a relationship won't make you someone.

My husband is the first person I have ever been myself with, right from day one.

If you are married it makes no difference at all whose name anything is in. It's ALL your joint property, including his pension.

It's dangerous to say "I'm nothing without you" though. You need to be able to function as a separate human being without relying on someone else to make you.