Would you leave your DH for this?

[BEAUTlFUL]

I posted about this last night under my other name, but I've decided to come clean and tell all, as you lot are brilliant and clever and will know what to do. I haven't got a clue.

My DH is OK most of the time, a good father, and helps out a lot at home. He's not an amazing provider-type as he has only just started working for himself, but he tries. We make each other laugh and the sex is lovely.

BUT. He has a temper, and he refuses to stop smoking weed (which he does every day, at least 1 joint a day), despite my asking him to repeatedly.

Years ago we went on holiday and he totally changed on the last day, started a huge row, called me a "whale" and other lovely things, and I ended up leaving that night to spend the night in a hotel. I went back the next morning and he'd pulled chunks of his hair out and scratched his face.

We had counselling which didn't do much, then chugged along as before.

We've since had rows in which he has become violent and frustrated - pushing me out of the house, raising a chair, pushing me on to a bed. A few days ago on holiday we had another one, and he ended up calling me fat, chucking a carrier bag of clothes at me and walking out.

I've had enough. He has been slightly contrite since, but you can tel he doesn't think he's done anything that bad.

I've told him I'm leaving, but I have no idea how to do that, and am not 100% sure it's the right thing to do. I've gone totally off him, as you would, but I have no money and no idea how to leave.

Any ideas? We have a 5 yo DS and a 6-month old DS.

Agree that his behaviour is probably caused by his weed addiction, but if he grew up with his father treating his mother the same way he is bound to think this is normal, OK, behaviour, he needs help and needs to realise his behaviour is wrong.

do you own or rent

who has the mortgage/tenancy.

you are doing the right thing, of course you are.

cotact Womens Aid. he has been violant and abusive...you may not see it that way but what has been happening is classified as domestic abuse.

they will be able to givbe you teh practicle advice on where best to go in your area.

the thing is we can be feisty because we are not in the situation

having a partner who is lovely some of the time and not others must be very difficult - I imagine it is a lot easier to leave someone who is constantly an arse

but even if you do want a future with this man, you are being complicit in his behaviour if you stick around. You are allowing it to happen and he knows really he can get away with it. And your children could grow up to see it. And your son could go on to perpetuate it.

Maybe throwing him out will bring him to his senses, and make him realise that you are not fucking about and make him do something about his behaviour. If he cares about your family enough he will do this. If he doesn't, why on earth would you stay?

I agree you should not leave the house, but if he won't go, give him an ultimatum and pack his stuff

and ring the domestic violence team

and change the locks

and have a big drink and take care of yourself

YOu are entitled to kick him out if he has been violent (and he has) whatever the situation with mortgage/tenency. Violent men forfeit the right to stay in the children's family home.
Do contact women's aid. Get him out and don't even think about reconciliation till he has had some sort of anger management/counselling etc and stuck at it. SOMetimes abusive men will go to one or two token appointments, start bleating that they have changed, buy a couple of bunches of cheap flowers at Asda, and then a few months down the line the woman will make a flipant remark or refuse sex cos she's not in the mood or something and find herself getting kicked down the stairs again. Changing a pattern of behaviour in someone who basically feels that they are entitled to bully and mistreat a partner because al their own fears and insecurities are somehow the partner's fault, is a longterm thing.

BEAUTlFUL, I can assure you I wasn't so confident or feisty when it was me where you are (minus weed and kids, thankfully).

please please please do an archive search on my name - and my old name of Fattiemumma.

you will see many many posts about my ex and when i left him.
I wasn't fiesty or strong at all.

I had a DS aged 4 with Sn and a 10 week old DD. i was a jibbering wreck who wasn't quite sure which way was up. my entire world had fallen apart and if i wasn't carefull so would i.

Don't allow anyone to tell you its easy. its not! it will be one of themost difficultthings you are ever likely to do...not least because im sure there is a large part of you that still loves him and thinks it will change.

but you KNOW that it wont and you KNOW that you need to do this for the sake of your children.
the harder the battle the better the win.

Is throwing a carrier bag of clothes at someone and calling them a whale - Domestic Violence?

here shelter please ring them for advice

if they have a legal right to be there - its not as simple as just chucking them out and changing the locks - and long term - clever men can use this against you legally - take good advice -s peak to shelter - look at their website and speak toa solicitor

"the perpetrator has rights to occupy the home (if you have a joint tenancy, for example), you could be illegally evicting her/him. "

sorry that quote should say "if the perpetrator...."

Thanks so much, you are amazing and all so helpful.

This is a daft question, but does chucking a carrier bag (half full, with just a couple of T-shirts inside!) really count as domestic violence? I worry they'd laugh at me. Other things were years ago - the pushing me on to a bed (I was moaning I was tired), and the pushing me out the house, that was about 3 years ago.

I would love him to go, because I've been off him for ages as he is unemotional and cocky. I feel I've been doormatty, and would love the chance to toss my curly mane and feel proud of myself for not putting up with any crap. And to meet a different type of man. I would love that.

But are those valid reasons for putting the kids through a divorce?

Beanieb: coupled with pushing her onto a bed, pushing her out of the house and threatening her with a chair, I would say so. Or do you think it's only 'violence' if blood is drawn?

shelter define DV as "Domestic violence is when someone close to you (usually your spouse, partner, ex-spouse, or ex-partner) behaves towards you in a way that causes physical, mental, or emotional damage. It need not necessarily be physical violence."

He bought our house (his money), has paid a lot of the mortgage payments, the mortgage is in his name (my credit score was awful at the time), and I'm not on the deeds!

Is that really bad? We are legally married and I have contributed, but still.

they also say
"Mental/emotional abuse
Mentally abusive acts attack your personality and emotional well-being rather than your body. Mental abuse is not as obvious as physical abuse, but it can be just as harmful. It can include:

humiliation
constant criticism
verbal abuse and name calling
imposition of unreasonable rules and ultimatums
enforced isolation from friends and family
threats against you or others you are close to (eg your children or pets)
destruction of belongings
excessive jealousy and possessiveness
control over what you wear and how you look."
www.shelter.org.uk

i would say that you might not be in as strong a position

PLEASE ring shelter

0808 800 4444

Beanieb, I understand why you asked that question, as I was unsure too!

What's annoying me is my Dad's attitude: I'd love him to be supportive towards me and say of COURSE DH should leave, what an arse. Instead, he is all, "You will be completely fucked for money if you split up, it will be hell for years, you are probably annoying to live with, try to make it work."

!!

think about this

any one in the country sick to death of their partner could think to trump up a DV charge to get them out of the house until the child is 18 - with financial support.

its nt that easy.

he is innocent until proven guilty - how can you prove these things unless he admits it?

Custardo, thanks so much for your help and the info numbers. I still feel like it's not Shelter-serious, though. Is that daft??

yeah its really daft

becuase the more you dont know or are unsure or go off hearsay and advice from people on here that aren't professionals - like me - then you cannot make a fully informed decision

for the sake of your chilren GET THE FACTS

THEN make a decision.

you cnnot make choices or know what to do until you are sure of your legal standpont.

if shelter say - well to prosecuse you are going to need evidence - as that point your case to say in he home would be stronger - you would know to start collectig evidence

diaries, taping phone calls and abuse etc.

if they say that you have fucks chance - is his house - ten you can start looking at other options - social housing where you live etc.

you CANT DO THISAT THE M cos you know eff all!

get the facts - please

DH has always felt I'm too good (on paper) for him. I suspect he might collapse quite easily if I showed I was serious about our splitting.

Plus, his parents would be supportive towards me (not more than towards him, obviously, but a lot) because of the weed addiction.

I have an awful credit score until 2009, when a CCJ gets removed at last. Until then, I have no money and no chance of getting a mortgage.

Should I stay till then, and save upm like mad, then leave with somewhere to go?

I wouldn't want to triumph him in a divorce and get all his money -- I'd just like to be free.

its all what ifs - and shoudl i's?

you can't make a decision becuase you don know the facts - please ring shelter they may say its apiece of piss to get him out

you are specualting about the unknown based on heasray advice.

google stuff do research.

But unfortunately (in response to BEAUTIFUL) why should it be 'of course he should leave'?

It would be lovely if that was the case but if you are joint tennants or joint owners then it's tricky.

on the other hand, you will not be totally fucked for money and you CAN move on if you want to. It's not easy but you can do it

sORRY IF ALREADY MENTIONED BUT please GET ADVICE FROM A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE UNIT/HELPLINE IF NOT PHYSICAL NOW IT COULD END THAT WAY OR GET IN TOUCH WITH A DRUG ADVISORY GROUP.
GOOD LUCK. X

"He bought our house (his money), has paid a lot of the mortgage payments, the mortgage is in his name (my credit score was awful at the time), and I'm not on the deeds!"

oh dear

You are married though and so may have some claim to any money from the sale of the housse. I would go and see a solicitor if I were you.