Should I be cross if DH went to lap dancing club?

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...and spent £60 on private dances (we aren't poor and he doesn't spend money on much that is frivolous).

Other people seem to think I should be cross but I can't see it. Am I being a mug? Is it a sign of disrespect?

He got a bit of female attention outside the marriage. He was consenting. They were consenting. I knew he was going there. There doesn't seem like there is a risk of him forming a relationship with the women but if a woman behaved that way with him in a regular nightclub that seems more of a threat to me.

He came home horny as hell and seemed like he had a good break from the stress of his job.

Divastrop, did you just call me "thick as shit"?

yes on a weekend when we had a different sort of clinetele in and they were full of alocohol there were a few who tried to grope, during the week there were a couple of incidents where the men tried to touch but they were very rare.

on a weekend night it was a nightly occurance and would happen about once or twice a night, they normally stopped as soon as the girl told them to. the bouncers were rarely needed and were there mainly to stop the guys fighting amoungst themselves due to alochol.

during the week as i said it very very rarely happened. they just didnt bother trying, but as with any situation there will always be a few tossers who think they are above the rules.

i meant a couple of incidents during the week in whole two years i worked there not weekly incicdents.

on a weekend when we had bouncers there was usually some tosser who thought he could try and touch but given that the dancers werent close enough to the customer for them too touch without leaning forward the dancer always stepped out of the way and warned the customer if they repeated that behavior thier dance would be stopped and they would be asked to leave the club. during all the time i was at the club that worked a treat and the bouncers were not needed.

during the weeknights it was a very rare occurance but the same trick worked. no girls were ever 'groped' as in the guy pounced on them and started grabbing at them and i would imagine they would report the customer to the police if that ever did happen.

so no, no one was 'groped'.

i was never touched once by a customer while dancing for them.

i used to get frequently groped and commented on when i went to nightclubs though and the bouncers didnt seem at all concerned about it, in fact they were often the ones making the comments.

i felt a lot safer when i was working than just on a night out with the girls.

Pretty much all live entertainment premises have bouncers. Sometimes the bouncers need to step in to protect the performers from members of the audience ho are either drunk, stupid, or have taken exception to something a performer has said or done. THis can include a sexual assault on a performer who is not a stripper/lapdancer or sex worker.

Statisticallyh the people most at risk of violent assault are young men (nothing to do with the sex industry: this is crime stats about street fighting, drunken brawls, robbery etc)
Statistically women are most at risk from violent or sexual assault perpetrated by their partners, not strangers who have been to a lapdancing club.

DIttany: there are plenty of workplaces where all the customers have to be reminded by signs not to violently assault or verbally abuse the staff.

yes but as i have already said earlier the law doesnt allow you to get that close all this griding in the face is either happening in america or clubs that just blatently ignore the rules.

we did on occassion dance closer than was allowed but we were hardly grinding in customers faces.

DIttany: plenty of workplaces need panic buttons and bouncers to stop a percentage of the clients trying to kill the staff. That doesn't mean that every client would attack the staff if not for the panic buttons, bouncers, and friendly warnings displayed on every available surface that punching, cursing and kicking the staff is Not Nice, any more than every client (or even the majority of clients) in a strip club or brothel would assault the staff ie touch them without prior permission or attempt to get more than the agreed fee covered, if not for the security precautions.

my doctors has signs all over the place telling patients how they can treat the staff and the receptioinsts have to be behind a pyrex screen!

i never had to stay behind a screen to keep me safe.

Our surgery is covered in signs reminding patients not kill the doctor. So many forget this simple courtesy, it seems.

people do have to earn a living.But if my husband went to a lap dancing club i would feel he was bored at home.Perhaps i am old fashioned.but i would hate to think he would need to see lap dancers in his face showing there bits off.we have been married many years.Hope your partner/friend takes you home after your shift as i would feel very unsafe .Not critising your choice of a career but be carefull the world is full of nutters.

Human beings are still biologically animals and like any species we are dominated by biological rules that control our actions, reactions, body language and gestures.

65% of communication is non-verbal. So a lapdancer is effectively communicating I am sexually available. The spoken/ written word is less than 7% of communication. So in spite of the rules the message is heavily weighted towards ' I am available for sex'.

It is possible for some people to fake body language for a sort period of time, but human beings are able to quickly spot the fake. Some body language is beyond control as other factors come in to play such as a study that was done in the USA that showed dancers earned more money when they were ovulating compared to when they were menstruating. Dancers who communicate the ' I want sex' message better tend to make more money.

We are judged (rightly or wrongly) by our actions and not our thoughts as actions can be witnessed and recorded, thoughts have to be interpreted or communicated. Lap dancing is communicating 'I am available for sex', but the dancer does not want sex. So a situation is created by the body language being contradictory to the actual communication. I am not saying this is right but at what point does the message become a taunt? You are not allowing the men to touch but you are performing as if you want them to touch.

Men also learn that money can always buy them sex/sexual excitement and women have their price. If you want to do away with this assumption in relationships why provide it in other outlets?

"65% of communication is non-verbal. So a lapdancer is effectively communicating I am sexually available. The spoken/ written word is less than 7% of communication. So in spite of the rules the message is heavily weighted towards ' I am available for sex'."

but that isn't really true is it? Before anyone pays for a dance they are well aware of the 'rules' and that all they are getting is a dance. Anyone with any intelligence would know that the dancers are not making themselves sexually available and I think a person would have to be extremely social inept/unaware/stupid to take a lap-dance to mean that the dancer is available to them. Infact the rule which states 'no touching' is there to reinforce the idea that this is all it is, a dance in exchange for cash!

If I were to go to a night-club and dance in a way which was interpreted as sexy I would be completely shocked if other people thought this was me putting out signals that I am sexually available.

"Men also learn that money can always buy them sex/sexual excitement and women have their price. If you want to do away with this assumption in relationships why provide it in other outlets?" from Lap-dancing? I believe what they 'learn' is that they can exchange money for a dance which may sexually arous them but the dance is as far as it goes. Most men, even those who don't go to lap dancing clubs, are aware of the rules. I think you're wrong to suggest that a man who thinks a lap dancer has a price (Yes she does, the price of a dance) then they assume ALL women have a price.

Beanie it may not be the truth but like it or not it is the communication message and it is the message dances want to convey in order to receive more money. What body language signals do dancers pick up from the men they are dancing for? And how do they respond to them?

SGB - I agree with most sexual assaults re: partners but I wonder how many of said partners use porn, visit lap dancing clubs or use prostitutes?

"Beanie it may not be the truth but like it or not it is the communication message "

how can it not be the truth and be the message?

In answer to your question I imagine that some men get aroused and some men disregard the 'rules' because they are stupid but most men wouldn't get that confused that they interpret the dancer's body language as a 'message' or an invite. I think to suggest that they do is quite insulting to men but perhaps you really think lap-dancing clubs are full of neanderthal men who have no social awareness? Of course drink can lower inhibitions but "Social inhibition is what keeps humans from becoming involved in potentially objectionable actions and/or expressions in a social setting" here

Yes we all have biological urges but we also have intelligence and perception which allows us to read situations and to understand boundaries!

A question to all. If your husband had to go to a lapdancing club, was not allowed to NOT go, and HAD to have a dance...

Do you think they would become so aroused that they would attempt to grope or touch the dancers?

benaieb, of all the times i have been ( about 3-4 in ten years ) i have never groped a dancer, or left the club and done a rape.

Fatbob, I've been sniggering about it ever since!

yeah i laughed my ass off when she accused me of getting my sexual kicks posting on mumsnet, oh and being a fat student who has no life other than going to lapdance clubs.

and ever more so when her DH came on and told everyone to fuck them self...

lol

happy days

Get a room!