Glam & fab part 7 - from strength to strength

[UC]

Thought I'd start this one off on a positive spin? Hope you all find it..

Has he given any thought to the fact that you will eventually meet and settle down with someone else and another man will be sharing his life with the DS he already knows and loves on a daily basis? Just a thought.

Baffy please dont let him keep doing this to you, the line between coping and having a breakdown is very fine and you cannot carry on like this. He probably does love you just not enough, you have given him the chance to prove himself and again he has chosen not to. She isnt going to suddenly become an understanding and balanced person, she will always be a selfish unbalanced fckup Having you out of his life will not make her any easier to deal with he is going to lose the family he already has and she will constantly use this child as a weapon against him - it is up to him if he lets her do that either he stands up to her if he wants you or you need to walk away if you want* a happy life.

Go have a nice cuddle with your DS and make a point of putting the GW out of your head.

My gut feeling is she may even have s*agged more than one man around conception so there is a large chance the child isnt even his...I DO hope is is planning a DNA test for the childs sake if not his.

Baffy, just a thought.....but have you ever written down how you feel? Words can be more powerful when they are written and there is the added benefit of being able to say what you want without interruption or manipulation. It sounds like you have a monologue with it a lot of the time anyway, since he goes quiet whenever you tell him what you need. I wouldn't blame you if you can't see the point/can't be bothered. It was just a thought. I found it very helpful. H still emails me his thoughts from time to time. I think he finds this type of communication easier.

OMG Baffy! I'm not surprised your angry. So she went mental? So F*ing what? You are his wife, he wants to be with you, I can't believe he still lets her call the shots on his life when she's with someone else.
I think you have done all you can, he won't change, even if he does tell her now, will that mean he always puts you and ds first? You will have to put up with a life time of her manipulation and having to effectively share your H with the woman who wrecked your marriage, and even come second to her too.
You have got the most important thing, your lovely little ds and he will help you through.
It will serve him right if the baby turns out to be someone elses and he loses everything.
Stay strong sweetie, things will turn out right for you in the end and you will be happy.
x

I meant monologue with him, not it. Sorry

I really dont know how you keep coping with this Baffy. I agree with Ladylush maybe you should put down in writing how you used to feel about him, how you feel now, what you hoped for your relationship and the very minimum you need from him to continue and how you plan to continue your life - if you have to - without him (new home, new parther, maybe more children) Even if you dont actually give it to him you can keep it for yourself for if you feel yourself faltering and him getting his own way again.

Men dont communicate in the same way as women we will sit down look each other in the eyes and say what we have to say. Even with the children I find they can say what is worrying them more if I am not looking at them...DS 1 will swear nothing is wrong even when I know he is unhappy until I am sitting on his bed with my back to him at that point he tells me what has upset him odd creatures men, im suprised any of us can live with them

Too true WW

Baffy as you say it does tell you everything you need to know ? for you and ds!

McD great news about flat , shop etc. will keep my fingers crossed for you you deserve a good run!

LL i think he has to deal with these 'blows' and he seems to be. It can't be forgotten so if you can deal with it together and him understand that's the best oucome i could think of !

Oh yes sorry mcd - good news about the finances
Lilyloo - yes you are right. Why do women always have to feel guilty. Is it encoded in our genes I wonder!

Thank you everyone

It's just unreal. I honestly thought that if he wanted us as much as he says he does, he'd finally start to prove it.

Thanks for all the great advice. I think I will do that.

I don't feel the devastation that I felt when we first split. I know I've protected my heart a bit as I knew what the outcome could be.
But I'm just so angry. Angry that she gets a home, a family, a full time father for her child - all the things she took away from me.
But she won't allow me to have the same things for my child!

I hate her so much.

You can't do this to another human being.

But having said all of that, H is the only one who could have put this right and made sure that me and ds also had the family we deserved. And he won't do it. He just doesn't love us enough to do it.

I think I hate him too.

And yet again I can't face anyone in RL knowing this when on the outside, things were going so well for us. They're all going to think I'm the biggest f* up ever!
I don't know what I'd do without you guys I really dont. xx

Thinking of you today Baffy - I know that one day we will all have our happy endings - maybe not with the men we thought, maybe by ourselves, maybe with out Prince Charmings - but we will have our lives back we will be happy - me, Baffy, PC, Ginny, UC we DESERVE so MUCH better

Don't worry about what people think Baffy. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You gave him chance after chance and he's the f* up, for letting you down yet again.
Glad the money situation is better now MacD
I haven't heard from X since the other night. I've seen him walk past looking in the window, but he's stayed away, just as I asked him, which should make me happy, but today I just feel sad.
I heard ds2 ask ds1 where he is this morning and ds1 said "he's not coming back he's mean to Mummy". Ds1 just said "oh no" in a really sad tiny little voice. I could have cried for him, poor little thing.

baffy, if giving something 100% of your faith, love, optimism and strength means you're a fuck up then I propose we rename this thread "Fab, Glam & Fucked Up".

hold your head up because you have done all you can. you can look yourself in the face and you can look ds in the eyes and know that you did your absolute best.

fwiw, on a smaller scale perhaps, i've been there on this one. i had about a year of "you're what i want, i'll do whatever it takes" which never ever transpired.

very very slowly, inch by inch, things are finally starting to go in my favour with H. and the laugh of it is is that i'm not even sure what i want any longer. i am pleased that dd is benefitting tho. it's pathetic that i am grateful for such tiny improvements tho

ginny, i can totally understand why that tugged your heart strings but before you waiver, think more carefully about how bad things are for ds1 to have to actually say that to ds2.

mac, sorry next week won't work. i'd be interested to try a weekend somewhere mid-country tho. maybe centre parcs where we could all share a chalet for a couple of days. i think november can be quite cheap.

ll, you're doing amazingly well. i think it shows great strength for you to explain that you don't want to celebrate but not for "I'll make you pay" type sentiments. glad that H is being understanding.

Baffy you tried your hardest, people may not understand why you have given him so many chances but no-one will think you are the f*ckup in this equation that cap lands firmly on his head.

Perhaps he should see the "how does he sleep at night" thread and think about how your son will feel about him when he is older

Hooray - I have managed to get V tickets on ebay - and including parking passes - for the same amount I paid for just the day tickets - so I am actually slightly quids in!!!! DD soooo happy - just have to collect them from seller tomorrow and as she sounds awfully posh and works in the city, I don't think I've been scammed!

So I am back in DD's books as Supermum.

Will finally catch up with all of you over lunch - it's been mad at work and I have missed talking to you all.

Well done Tannee! You are supermum, when I was 16 my Mum wouldn't have known what a festival was, never mind get tickets ... twice.
Are you going with her? If so even more brownie points!
Have a fab time.

bloody well done Taneem, every cloud has a siler lining eh!

So are you camping or just going for the day? I am very as the lineup is fantastic.

crap festival for little ones tho so not on my list this year.

Yep, I'm going too - middle-aged rock chick, moi . The tickets were my 16th birthday pressie to DD, and my sister's 50th birthday gift to me, so it was extra awful to think we'd lost out, though I should get a refund through my credit card. Not camping this year (not sure I'm a camper in this weather) - but if we have fun, might try it next year. DP very envious but I might treat us all to Stereophonics for Christmas.

Great news Tannee

Baffy as the others have said you have nothing to be ahamed about at all. Although know what you mean it's just so worng everyone knowing the ins and outs of your relationship and that h has made it so public! I remember that embarrassment and it wasn't my fault either. Think your right LL we are programmed with a guilt complex that these meb seem to be lacking!
Baffy i can understand your anger at ow but she cannot take your h away form you and ds unless he let's her.

PC glad dd is getting some time with h just that it seems too late for you.

McD you are right you all do deserve much better!

Ginny bless him. I agree with PC though he has obviously seen enough of his self destruction and the effects it's having on you. You are doing the best thing in shielding them from seeing anymore.

Still plodding along here , all a bit quiet. DD still not sleeping so think we are going to have to do cc! It breaks my heart though i tried to do it last night and caved in after 5 mins! But i nkow for my and dp's sanity and the fact he is about to start a new job it needs sorting!

Well done Tanee. Great news

Tannee, I think it speaks volumes that your dd, at 16, is letting you got to a festival with her. I hope my dd lets me go with her when she's that age!

Lily, poor you on the sleeping front. Have you tried The No Cry Sleep Solution? Is it an option to co-sleep? I am certain that dd would have been a sleep nightmare ('scuse the pun) had I not co-slept.

Aha! Another one for the list of "Why it's great to be a SP"

How're you doing Baffy?

Thanks Paddle.

I have the no cry book and trying to use it with little success. I co slept with ds and think that added part of the problem of his poor sleep.

Also think dp would be mortified if i suggested that esp given past i think our bed is something we need to keep for us iyswim Although her cot is at the foot of bed so not that far away but far enough so as i can't see her

lily, i never actually put NCSS into action but reading it made me feel heaps better. maybe you should get dp to read it too?

i've never done CC but I have occasionally left dd to cry but going on instinct that it's just a very tired cry and my going back in only wakes her up again iyswim?

i honestly don't think i could do CC but i've heard that you have to do it 4 nights in a row and that the other parent has to actually go out so they don't intercede.

maybe dp should do the first 2 nights and you go out?

what's the issue anyways? maybe if you tell us someone will have some experience they can share.

Padle he is quite happy to help.
Basically she is up bf every couple of hours in the night and it's getting more not less frequent.
She settles in her cot fine and self settles for naps , bed at 7 so i don't know why she needs feeding to sleep in the night.
She goes down at 7 then is up at 9/11/1/3 and 5 sometimes and up at 6!
She has a loose routine in the day so not sure if it's that but it's hard to get her in one with running around after other dc's etc.
She has 3 meals a day now but the only one she really eats is lunch. Basically she is too full to eat am from all the milk in the night. I am thinking of giving her earlier tea as she currently eats at 5.30 with us.
DP is now giving off stopping bf vibes to see if that helps but i don't want to yet
If anyone can help it would be much appreciated

Lily, this is exactly what dd was like. she fed every 1.5hrs during the day and every 1.5-2hrs during the night. Hence co-sleeping being a godsend!

after she weaned she gradually went to 3 hours per night and at around 12m she was 8pm bedtime, midnight feed, 4am feed then awake about 6ish.

over the next 2 or 3 months she gradually pushed back the midnight feed to 1am, 2am, 3am etc till it just became 4am then 5am etc etc.

I'm afraid it was just a question of going at her pace!

I doubt stopping BF would help her sleep tbh, BM has the most calories.

wrt dp reading the book, I just meant that it helped me feel not as desperate and isolated and helped me be more accepting that it was a phase and things would improve iyswim.