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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you make of this?

150 replies

Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 13:02

Last night H and I had a takeaway. Usually I would order a main course, rice and a side dish. He moaned that the side dish made the takeaway much more expensive so I didn't order it. When the food arrived I divided it completely in half and the portions were pretty small.

When he came in he looked at his portion and looked really irritated and then looked to see how big mine was. I explained that we had exactly half each because I had not ordered the side dish I would usually have had. We ended up rowing and he then said that as the man, the breadwinner and as he was bigger than me he should have had the bigger portion, he needs more calories etc. I am a SAHM and this morning he had told me that I need to get a job and start contributing to the house. I have had an easy ride for 5 years apparently.

I would be grateful for any opinions on this please, because it left me quite bemused. I really do want honest opinions.

OP posts:
ilovemydog · 14/07/2008 18:51

Depends if he wants to change.

He is a control freak - sounds like his mother kow towed to her husband, so he grew up with a strange idea about women generally.

Doesn't mean though that he has to continue this pattern of behavior.

But you need to demand the respect you deserve and part of that includes not tolerating his appalling behavior.

Does he ever listen to a logical argument?

Original poster
Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 18:58

I constantly confront him and there are certain things I just don't do anymore eg I don't go to his parents house anymore because he behaves like a complete tool when we are there, smirking behind my back when I talk etc. I told him he was a twat for the take away thing last night as well and I asked him why he feels he is entitled to more than me and thats when I got the bread winner and man of the house speech. Have also told him that I will be training to do whatever I want to do and am prepared to be a single parent to do it, to which he told me I am selfish and not thinking of my kids and am putting my own needs before the entire family. What can I say to that? In a way it is true me going to uni will be a hassle for us all but surely the end result justifies it?

I have always said that the kids come first, he comes a very close second, his family third and me no-where. My needs are just not considered in any of his decision making and I think it irritates him immensely when I refuse to accept that.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 14/07/2008 18:59

do you have daughters or sons?

Original poster
Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 19:01

One of each. I know that I have to sort this or I will have a son growing up to be like his dad and a daughter growing up to think that this is normal, well actually I don't think she will because she sees me fighting it every day.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 14/07/2008 19:07

I don't knwo where you find the energy.

You shouldn't have to fight to be equal

What does he do that make you feel happy/ loved/ special/ worthy?

You are the mother of his children and his wife he should already know how important you are, you shouldn't have to keep pointing it out.

Theres enough going on in life without him behaving like it's the 1950's

Original poster
Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 19:08

Thats what my Mum says lovemygirls. That she doesn't know where I find the energy to fight it and she is afraid that I will just stop one day and he will take over. I will leave him before that. I am very emotionally disengaged from him anyway. If he left it would not be the end of my world.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 14/07/2008 19:10

He must feel very threatened by you, to need to continually assert how much More Important he is than you.

If you can, staying v calm and reacting like you would to a ridiculous child, might work well when he's being an arse. (Or treating it all as a bad joke ... like Al Murray, pub landlord?)

LoveMyGirls · 14/07/2008 19:10

So why stay?

Original poster
Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 19:11

I suppose the Indian takeaway was actually the straw that broke the camels back. That is why I finally posted on MN. It was just so bloody petty. He really thinks he is that much better than me that I am not even worthy of an equal portion of food.

OP posts:
Original poster
Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 19:13

I don't really have anywhere to go LoveMyGirls. One of my children is special needs and his school is absolutely brilliant, I don't want to disrupt that - my family are miles away. Also where I live when I finally get round to training there are loads of opportunities. Best thing would be for him to move out.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 14/07/2008 19:16

So why don't you ask him to move out?

I know what you're going to say........he won't go, its his house, I've got no money etc

Go to CAB, go to a solicitor (his behaviour is unreasonable so you could use that as reason for divorce) you would be entitled to financial help etc

Where there is a will there is a way, do it while you are still strong enough to fight.

fuzzywuzzy · 14/07/2008 19:20

do you want your son growing up thinking like his father, do you want your daughter growing up believing men should tell her what to eat????

I say plan your new job as if you were a lone parent, and then when the pay starts rolling in, leave..... But then I dont like men much at the moment especially ones who think they can tell me what to do!

Original poster
Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 19:22

I have asked him many times and he doesn't go. My children love him and would be heart broken if he went. I think the key is to just ignore his nonsense and do what I want without reference to him until he gets fed up and finds someone who agrees that men are in charge.

OP posts:
LongLiveGreenElizabeth · 14/07/2008 19:24

This man sounds so like my x I can't believe it. Everything. My x was mean but didn't see that giving me a pittance to scrape by on each month was mean. I was a SAHM and he thought he was doing me a favour. He couldn't, for a moment, take off his blinkers and see that ALL the sacrafices for parenthood that were being made were MY sacrafices. And BOY did I try to make him see.

to my shame perhaps I could have lived with some of this misogynist attitude if he had been less controlling and more generous (a lot more generous). But the World really did revolve around my x. I was just playing a bit part in The Play called MrLONGLIVEetc..

I left him and although I'm not rich, what little money I can cobble together is spent the way I wish it to be spent. He gives me £1 a month for two children. He tells everybody who will listen to him that I was mentally ill to leave him.

LongLiveGreenElizabeth · 14/07/2008 19:28

Lovemygirls, good for your mum. I hope that'll be the way things pan out for me too. I have done several of the things my x made impossible for me. The first being I've learnt to drive. No big deal to most, but he would never spend the money on a small old car for me. His car was a big new flash thing. I was not allowed practise on that because of the 'insurance' not HIS fault. I am also going to retrain and make something of my life. I wasn't put on this earth for the convenience of my X. (Although he really struggles to understand that)

Original poster
Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 19:28

LLGE. H actually said to me when DS was born that only one our lives had to change to accommodate us having a child and it was not going to be his. This was a planned and wanted pregnancy by the way. He is better now - he does really love his kids to bits and is very patient and generous to them. Just me that doesn't deserve to be equal in our family it seems.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 14/07/2008 19:29

Thats so sad sorry but it is.

You're going to wait for him to move on but he isn't going to when he thinks he is building a life with you, is he? Your dc's are going to grow up in a house where their parents don't love each other enough to put each other first, to make each other happy.

And you......spending precious years of your life with someone you're not going to be with forever, someone you can't share you hopes and ambitions with.

I hope things turn around for you and you take control and get an amazing job and meet a bloke who respects you and encourages you to LIVE rather than exist.

Original poster
Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 19:29

Yes thanks for telling me about your Mum LMG. I bet it was even harder for her back then than it will be for me. At least the Government want you to retrain and offer all kinds of incentives to get you back into education and back to work now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 19:31

LMG I always put him first, always. The trouble is he was used to seeing his Mum do that so just took it for granted. He wont think he is building a life with me. I will tell him he is free to go as and when it suits him.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 14/07/2008 19:33

I said put each other first, no-one is disputing the fact you put him first.

Original poster
Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 19:35

I know. I suppose I am angry for all the years that I put him first thinking that he would eventually see and learn from it how husbands and wives treat each other but he didn't. He just thought it was exactly as he should be. Your posts have been really helpful thank you.

OP posts:
LongLiveGreenElizabeth · 14/07/2008 19:35

Looksaround, I had been undermined and unsupported and unloved for 5 yrs and I still found the strength to leave one day.

Unfortunately it was only when the sheer minute to minute misery of daily life outweighed what I had foolishly perceived as the stigma of being a single parent, that I walked out.

I regret not leaving earlier. I've been so much happier since. I have a spring in my step. People are always telling me I am strong, how well I'm coping, that I WILL achieve x,y,z....... I've made lots of new friends, and FAR from feeling that people were looking down on me, people have been SO supportive. People tell me about their sisters and best friends who STAY with wankers, and I'm so glad that I'm one of the ones that broke away.

I don't know how bad your marriage is , but if it's even half as bad as mine was, you should leave.....

LongLiveGreenElizabeth · 14/07/2008 19:37

PS, although my x regularly tells me 'it's a tradgedy what I've done to the children, it's a disgrace etcccc

I can tell you ..... I know they are happier and more confident now. They laugh a lot more. They have more fun. They still see their Dad. They have accepted the new situation SO well.

It doesn't always have to be gloom and doom. My x hates me for daring to leave, for believing in myself and thinking I could be happier without him........ so it's hard for me to have to deal with him, but I do, and the children are absolutely HAPPY. I promise you. You are NOT signing away your children's good future by leaving a crappy marriage.

Original poster
Looksaroundinconfusion · 14/07/2008 19:40

LLGE was it very obvious things with your X? My H is not always obvious. He does tell me that I am too stupid to do the things I want to do that I don't have an analytical mind etc. I dread approaching him for money. Basically his wages are his and thats it and I had better not ask how it gets spent. He is not openly hostile or aggressive with me just undermining and can be insulting but I don't even think he means to be. He just doesn't think highly of me in any way at all. No respect for me at all. Was your X like that?

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 14/07/2008 19:42

Plenty of people stay in relationships that are not great and some cases I think nothing is ever easy and we should all have some of that old fashioned work at it ethic in other cases I just think life is far too short to be this miserable.

Some people are just not meant to be together they don't bring out the best in each other or compliment each other and I can't work out how they ever fell in love in the first place.

No relationship is 100% perfect, we all have our faults but as long as the good outweighs the bad and you can still laugh together and share time as a couple and feel that spark then theres something to build on and work at.

You said he won't do counselling but are you sure he wouldn't if the only other option was for him to leave?