What do you make of this?

[Looksaroundinconfusion]

Last night H and I had a takeaway. Usually I would order a main course, rice and a side dish. He moaned that the side dish made the takeaway much more expensive so I didn't order it. When the food arrived I divided it completely in half and the portions were pretty small.

When he came in he looked at his portion and looked really irritated and then looked to see how big mine was. I explained that we had exactly half each because I had not ordered the side dish I would usually have had. We ended up rowing and he then said that as the man, the breadwinner and as he was bigger than me he should have had the bigger portion, he needs more calories etc. I am a SAHM and this morning he had told me that I need to get a job and start contributing to the house. I have had an easy ride for 5 years apparently.

I would be grateful for any opinions on this please, because it left me quite bemused. I really do want honest opinions.

It's a difficult one, Lookdsaround. And it sounds as if have made up your mind to stay in the relationship. I understand staying away from flashpoints but the result is that he doens't know how you feel. You tell MN about his sniping comments regarding BB but do you tell him? Use MN but please (for your sake) don't make it one of those venting allowing you to put up with the rubbish situations.

So he can't/won't pick up the slack. Either you do it with his help or without it. Whatever "it" turns out to be. Fitting in with the children is one thing but children do not benefit from seeing their father treat their mother like this. Your evidence for that is your husband.

Do a job that you want to do. And if he says he won't help or support you, just say "Fine, at least I know where I stand with you. You won't help. It's on record now. I'll do it without you." And do it. He won't change to meet your needs because he's already proved that he can't/won't. But he might, just might, change if you behave differently. And even if he doesn't you will have a job you like.

I have told him all this nkf. I haven't made up my mind to stay in the relationship either but my kids love their dad and I think that it has to be a lot worse than this to justify me splitting up the family. After all it seems that I am the only one who is unhappy.

I suppose that I will just have to not take him into consideration with anything I decide to do, just make sure it fits in with me and dc and not worry about his opinions.

x posted nkf. You are so right. That is what I will do. I am no doughnut and I am sure that I can achieve what I want without him anyway.

What job would you like to do? You mentioned midwifery. I imagine the training for that is actually paid for - that's one of the upsides of nursing.

Also I don't recommend that you put your own interests last, that will just make you very unhappy. Why don't you work out what you want to do in terms of a job first, then tell your DH and insist that you both go for counselling because the current dynamic has totally disempowered and infantilised you (which is what it sounds like)

I doubt that counselling would work. Relate costs money and this bozo bedgrudges her a salad. You will probably get paid for midwifery and might help with childcare. And lord knows, we need midwives.

I think he sounds like an idiot.

Having said that, it sounds as those he resents you not working. I think you need to discuss your roles in the house because if he's not happy with it he should tell you directly rather than sniping on about take away portions. He is entitled to want you to work but equally you are entitled not to - you just need to talk about it openly.

I used to work as a medical secretary Quattro and wanted to retrain as a Radiographer or Midwife. Am currently doing a biology A'Level and a maths GCSE which would hopefully as a mature student get me onto a Uni Course next year when dd goes to nursery. However it would have been helpful to have an on board partner to help out a bit. However he sees my career aspirations as utterly pointless and selfish as they will not fit in with the dc and "family life". He would never go for counselling.

As an aside, I don't understand how you can say that someone is entitled not to work. Surely work is the default condition? We all have to work unless we have (a) inherited a stash of cash or (b) earned a stash of cash or (c) found someone who is prepared to support us - either parents or a partner.

It doesn't sound as though LAIC's DH is prepared willingly to support her, and expects her to contribute financially.

I'd be interested to see what he is like once she is earning her own money though. Will the controlling behaviour continue?

Keep on with the work. And if he carps, tell him you don't want to hear what he has to say unless it's kind, helpful and supportive. And the next time he gets miserly about a vegetable side dish, jeer at his meanness and order two. Shame him into realising what a pain he is. You have to make him back off or he will crush your spirits.

Quattro, I doubt he'd do that if she worked.
Looksconfused - has it got worse the longer you stayed home.

Looks - I worry when people talk about being married to folk like your DH. It would be very possible to end up with crippling depression living with him and his controlling behaviour. My Mum lived with a very controlling man and I am sure it contributed to her mental health problem.

Do try to exert contol over the siuation yourself. Retrain and use RELATE. You get grants and fees paid for certain NHS roles including OTs and Physios (depending on your financial status).Good Luck I am amazed at his absolute freakery.

At the moment I am trained for nothing. I have been out of the job market for 5 years. I know that supporting me through Uni would be a lot to ask for although I would do it for him if the situations were reversed without a second thought. My options are to get a crappy job that will never pay much and I will never be satisfied with or re train and have a much higher earning power. I am not getting any younger and I have put up with a lot of crap from H over the last 7 years. He now has a good job and is doing well because I kept it all together all this time when he was losing jobs and disappearing for days at a time and pissing off on football trips abroad with his mates. I think I should have SOME choices in this marriage whether it be to have a saag aloo or to train as a midwife.

I am retraining and my DP is taking annual leave to watch the kids when I do my course.

You should demand that he helps you.

After all, you have been supporting him for all this time from a domestic stance, right?

If I were you I'd start making some lists of jobs that you would like to do/or could do. Include the ones that you would need to retrain for. Find out about costs involved in retraining - including how much longer you won't be bringing in money. It may well be very worth the costs involved. Then once you are clear about the available options you both need to sit down and discuss them. You would also need to know how many hours you would need a cleaner for each week and how much that would cost. He also needs to know that even with a cleaner there will still be housework to do, preparing of food and childcare - and that would need to be shared equally.

To be honest, I think he sounds like a complete arse and when considering jobs make sure you consider whether or not they will be enough to support you and yours DCs when you kick his sorry arse out the door.

reading the rest of this I would say you'd be so much better off getting a job. That way you would be bale to do your own things and he would still have to pay half of any childcare costs but you would have some financial freeedom. Trouble is, if this isn't what you really want then you have to find a way to stand up to him and re-assert your ideas and understanding of what he seemed to want to start with.

If you do get a job then why should he enjoy the money you earn?

Can you do a course with the OU? I fit that in around the kids. I know what its like being with someone like your OH and it is easy to see your world getting smaller and smaller. My partner goes to the gym regularly and I get one free afternoon a week when the kids are at my mums,I am hoping to leave in the future when I can support myself and am trying to make the best of it now.

Good luck

Thats it bitsnbobs. That sums it up perfectly "world getting smaller and smaller" I am 35 and I feel if I don't do something now I never will and I will get to the age of 70 and know that basically he lived my life for me. I feel like he is constantly steering me in the direction that suits him. He ridicules me for wanting to work as a midwife or nurse because it is not something he can understand or would ever want to do. He does not intimidate me but he has very strong opinions and I find myself taking them on board even when I don't really think them at all.

I had all but made up my mind that none of these things are possible for me because I have to put my dc first. He says that I should have got a career before I married him if I wanted it so much and not expect him to pay for it. Good job I didn't think like that when he was jumping from job to job till he found the right one.

You'll get about £7k a year to train as a midwife.

He is an unbelievably cheeky, ignorant son of gun! It is amazing that some people say these words and think it is ok! Good grief!

he is a twat - there are bigger issues here - that he mentoned this moring. you need to sit down and talk to him asap.

The bigger issues are that he looks down on women - as simple as that. His mother only ever did jobs that fitted in with the family and although she has a really good job now it is never referred to respectfully by his father. She also allowed him to check till receipts and apparently never had a thing for herself until she started working, made all her own clothes, never had her hair cut or anything like that. Even now if we go out for a meal and he is paying she will order the cheapest thing on the menu.

I honestly believe it makes H angry that I do not defer to him or put him first all the time right down to the matter of an Indian take away. He once said to me that there should be a chair in the house that was the mans chair and his alone. I do talk to him about these things and he always laughs sheepishly when I confront him but I think that these views are so deep rooted that he can't help the way he behaves.

Good luck. It must wear you down, having to assert yourself against this all the time.
You need to just get on and train in whatever you want to. It is sad that you can't share your dreams and ambitions with him, though.

Have a good look at the things you are considering, especially in terms of social/unsocial hours. Radiography is likely to be easier in that regard, and there is a nationwide shortage so jobs shouldn't be hard to come by.

How do you change a man like that? Would welcome any advice. He says its traditional to think like that - The Man of the House and all that.

Your post could have been written by my mum about 20 years ago, she worked as a machinest making tights, she wanted more from life but my dad said it wouldn't be fair on us etc eventually she left him and trained to be a nurse she is now a senior sister and one of the most respected sisters in the hospital.

Don't give up thinking you can make more of your life.

If my mum had listened then she would still be living in a manky terraced house (not the lovely 4 bed she has now) driving a banger (my dad only ever brought bangers) doing the same mind numbingly boring job instead of having the career she has now and we wouldn't have had an inspirational mother to look up to.

I'm proud of my mum, pround she had enough about her to say no I want more from life and I'm going to get it! It's made me want to go out and get things too which is why I started my own business at 24.