What do you make of this?

[Looksaroundinconfusion]

Last night H and I had a takeaway. Usually I would order a main course, rice and a side dish. He moaned that the side dish made the takeaway much more expensive so I didn't order it. When the food arrived I divided it completely in half and the portions were pretty small.

When he came in he looked at his portion and looked really irritated and then looked to see how big mine was. I explained that we had exactly half each because I had not ordered the side dish I would usually have had. We ended up rowing and he then said that as the man, the breadwinner and as he was bigger than me he should have had the bigger portion, he needs more calories etc. I am a SAHM and this morning he had told me that I need to get a job and start contributing to the house. I have had an easy ride for 5 years apparently.

I would be grateful for any opinions on this please, because it left me quite bemused. I really do want honest opinions.

I would kick up a serious fuss if my dp did this to me.

Wow - is he just territorial about food?

How did it go from him being absolutely petty about a take away to you going out to work (assuming you can overlook his 'easy ride' comment? Said in anger perhaps?

What is this really about, do you think?

"If it helps to give a bigger picture at all his father used to check the till receipt from the supermarket after his mother had been shopping and sometimes he "jokes" that maybe he should do that as well.

He also believes that Men are entitled to come and go as they please but not women. The "Breadwinner" should eat meat and have a cooked meal every day and not ever have to tell their wife how the money he earns is being spent."

did you actually know any of this before you married him?

I mean if you did tehn more fool you, but if it's an opinion he's only started to express since you got married then he possibly deserves a quick kick in the balls.

He's being quite contradictory. He wants a wife who puts food on teh table but also wants you to go out and get a job?

nkf I didn't even realise that I had done that. That is bloody scary. I am looking for a job now. I have been out of the job market for 5 years though so it won't be easy. I talked to him about retraining and he sounded supportive but then during a row he said he would not be picking up the slack to I could coast through college for a few years.

so he's definately mean, we've established that.

He's also selfish, obviously.

He thinks his rights are more important that your rights. In fact, it sounds like he doesn't even consider you to have any rights.

He treats you like a second class citizen.

Why would you be with someone if you didn't even let them have a bit of your naaan bread and mango chutney? How horrible.

He sounds like a controlling wanker, tbh.
Does he have any good points?

He wasn't like this when I met him. He was a really nice man tbh but as the years have gone by he has started saying that he can now having been married to himself understand why his dad was as controlling about money and angry all the time as he was. He says he will gladly support his kids but not me because he is not MY father. However when we had kids we both decided that we wanted them to be brought up by their Mum at home and he still wants that. Basically he wants me to get some kind of job where I will work and bring in money but ALSO be at home for the kids whenever they need me. Not possible really IMO.

He also tells me that if I get a job he is willing to do childcare but not cleaning. We will get a cleaner.

His Mum used to work nights and then care for four kids and I sort of thing that he imagines this is something I could do.

think not thing

He was like this when you met him, you just chose to not see it at the time

He can't have it all and you can't bend yourself into knots/create more hours in the day to please him

He doesn't exactly sound like a catch

think about why you would stay.......

i am reading this open mouthed, i cannot believe this idiot. you need to put your foot down and pronto, id of put my foot on my dh's face if he had of said that to me, how patronising and downright rude

He's reverting to the pattern he knows. I think you have to tell him to shut up. Tell him he sounds idiotic when he complains about his wife ordering a salad. Tell him you don't want to eat dinner with him if he is going to bellyache all the time. Speak up for yourself. He doesn't want to be your dad but he wants you to be his mum! Out of order.

Oh my god . He said that he will not support you?

Um, I think this man treats you with contempt. He does not respect you.

His mother worked nights and looked after 4 children? What a martyr.

OH dear. I started off thinking you were one of those couple who, in principle, both wanted to keep your finances separate. But the reality is that he wants to control you.

You could turn yourself inside out and it wouldn't be good enough for him. I think he has a low opinion of women. I think you need an emergency fund. I think he thinks he's married his mother.

[too much thinking]

We argue constantly because I won't allow him to recreate his parents marriage. The comment about not being my father is something that I know for a fact is something his Dad used to say to his Mum because she told me herself.

A week ago he wanted to join a gym so I said me too lets see how much it costs. He went mad saying I was stopping him from doing the things he wants to do because we can only afford for one of us to do it and that should be him and also when would he get any free time if he was working and then having to look after the dc while I went to the gym. I run for 30 minutes 4 times a week and last week he said "We are going to have to talk about this running business, it is getting a bit much".

The trouble is I have become immune to it now and even though I argue with him I know that I tend to avoid situations that will create conflict. The running is non negotiable though.

Believe it or not I do stand up to him hence him not being a member of the gym this week and I do tell him what a twat he is but he just laughs, which lightens things. But still it carries on. I also know for a fact that if I did try to study he would just make it difficult for me by being unreliable, coming up with unbreakable work commitments etc.

He won't be happy until he's got you locked in the house all day and all bloody night.

Is he terrified you will leave him?

Bloody hell - I didn't know men like this still existed. I would have left my DH for behaviour like that! You need to start putting your foot down and fast or he will just get worse (if that's possible) How dare he believe he is more important than you! How can you tolerate being around someone who doesn't think you are special? He just sees you as a domestic servant and child producer/carer.

I think you need to get some confidence in yourself and then tell him to grow up.

As a comparison on the food front, my DH went to the shop last night and bought 5 bars of chocolate as we both felt in need of a choccie fix. I ate three in a fit of PMT binging and he offered me a fourth. He did not lecture me on how he was a MAN and therefore deserved more chocolate. Nor did he mention that he had walked there and bought it with his money etc. He loves and respects me and therefore it is not an issue.

I don't thing so Fabio. But I do tell him that he is not content with only having one life, he wants to live mine for me as well. ie no side dishes - pointless, no salad as a main course - pointless, no studying - pointless - if I do study it had better be something useful and that fits in with the family ie not midwifery, would do better to start my own business apparently, yes I can get a job but it needs to fit in with the dc and it doesn't much matter what job it is because after all his career is the one that counts.

I have a certain amount of sympathy for both of you to be honest. You're both getting polarised.

The problem is there is such a thing as sole-provider pressure. He feels under pressure because he does all the earning. Also he sees it as his money rather than joint money. Which is an understandable (if not desirable) reaction given the lack of financial contribution from your end.

My DH would have become controlling about money had he been the sole provider. It's because he would have felt responsible for the money side of things.

Not all men are like this. Also some men earn £££ so it doesn't matter. But it's important to recognise that your DH is one of those men and take steps to address it. Addressing it doesn't necessarily involve changing him - after all how easy is it to change anyone? Next to impossible I think. Why not work on creating a dynamic which makes him and you both happier. That involves you working, I think.

I suppose this sums it up. We were watching Big Brother last night and he asked how I thought he would get on in the house. I said he would probably make everyone laugh (he is very funny) and manage to get quite a long way, maybe to the last three as can be charming (if not married to him). Then I said what about me and he said you would fall out with everyone as you are not easy to get on with and then get kicked out in the first week. "NO DICKHEAD I ONLY FALL OUT WITH YOU A LOT BECAUSE YOU ARE A CONTROLLING TWAT!!!!!"

The point is that it just shows what a low opinion he has of me doesn't it? I must say I am feeling great after talking about all this. I don't really have any RL friends so don't talk about this sort of thing much.

I am going to get a job Quattro if only to stop him having any hold over me but the point is that he wants to decide what job I do and has laid down all sorts of restrictions about how it must be part time and needs to fit in with the dc and school and he certainly won't be able to pick up the slack as he is far too busy and I won't be able retrain Oh No! which does not leave too many attractive job opportunities. BTW he loves his job - is the job he always dreamed of doing but I apparently don't need that as I have to fit in with the dc.

Okay Looksaround - venting is fine and that's what we're here for - but what do you propose to do about it all? Are you going to get a job? Talk to your DH? Embark upon counselling? What?

I am looking for a job now but I have to consider myself as a single parent when I decide what to do because he will not allow it to affect him in anyway apart from enjoying the money that comes in from it. I am just angry Quattro and yes I do want to vent but I am also taking positive steps. I am studying on line and looking for work but is it so wrong to want to do a job that I actually want to do not just one that he thinks is suitable?

sweetie - you are a long time dead!! fgs leave this total tosser, life is too fucking short to feel guilty about having a fucking side dish!!!

put it this way - what would his reaction be if you needed urgent surgery that you had to pay for? do you have to go and ask yuor dad for the money or will your loving, caring dh be prepared to stump up? frankly, i wouldn't hold out much hope if you are not worthy of an onion baji!!