I just don't know what to do anymore....

[tearfulmummy]

I've name changed to do this thread. I'm a long-standing regular MNetter.

I just need some help/advice about my relationship with my DH. We have two daughters.

I have been with DH for almost 20yrs. He is a lovely caring guy, when he wants to be. He has a temper. I saw it this morning.

He works extremely hard and puts his job first and foremost in his life, even before me and the kids. This has always been a bug-bear for me. Whilst I know holding down a full-time job is important I don't see it should always come first. He is in charge of his own working day. He can make changes to his day if he chooses to. When it comes to me and the kids he won't.

He has no relationship with his parents. He blames me for that. They never liked me from day one. They've always made it obvious they don't like me. They preferred his first wife. We have not seen them for many years. They've not even met our youngest daughter. Their choice, not ours. We ring them - they put the phone down. We text them - no reply. They live a 2hr drive away. His Father once said to me on one of our first visits that I was the girlfriend on the rebound. He has also called me some vicious names in the past and has made some very threatening comments about my family. As a result I do not like or trust DH's family.

DH's temper was awful this morning. I told him I'd had enough of being stuck at home. I desperately want to go back to work but I have the children to consider. My youngest is due to start school this Autumn but finding a job that will fit with school-runs is almost impossible around here. The schools themselves have no part-time work either. I told him I'd love to go out one evening, even just for a drink, but there is no-one to have the kids. I have friends but I don't like to ask them. DH has no friends - he is always too wrapped up with work to keep his mates outside work.

I told him to f-off this morning. I'd had enough. He keeps me awake with his snoring. He doesn't come to bed until the early hours because he watches rubbish on tv. He wakes me up when he comes to bed. We have no sex life whatsoever. I can't remember the last time we had sex - must be last year. When I told him to f-off this morning his reply was 'ok, I'm off'. I told him not to come back. His reply was 'ok, fine'. He was stood at the stairs and he told me to push him down the stairs. He kept telling me to push him...'come on push me down the stairs then'. Needless to say I didn't.

We have no money. We are fully skint. I am struggling to keep our fridge full. DH's money is good but with our mortgage and general outgoings we have next to nothing to live off. I have a car which I've considered getting rid of but I know if I do I'll need it for some emergency or other. I have an elderly Mum who doesn't drive and lives 10 miles away. My Dad died some years ago. I can't get rid of the car in case she needs me. I can't afford to run the car but its legal, that's about it.

I worry that the kids are picking up on the bad state of my relationship with DH. He does nothing to help himself. He is a good Dad but has no patience with them. I'm often telling him to calm it with the kids because its all too easy for him to raise his voice with them. The eldest is now becoming quite scared of him and his temper. He has never hurt them. He's not like that but his shouting and temper is scaring her. She comes to me when he's like that.

I can't afford to be living on my own with the kids. We don't have the money to survive. He has nowhere to go anyway. He'll never leave. His parents won't want him. He has no other family.

Y'know what though. I do love him. But I don't love him the same way I used to love him. I don't feel close to him anymore. We don't kiss or cuddle. I hate this. What do I do? xxx

Thanks Teacher!

"Yes I could hand them to after school clubs and childminders but that is not what I want to do. I want to find a job that will work in with the schools that both my kids will go to."

But TM, that is the situation most of us are in. And I think you have to accept your decision and make peace with it. Either you take a job (with more hours / prospects than your current one) and accept the childcare, or you choose not to change things. Either way it is your choice to make. And I think that's what most of the posters are trying to get across, they are not trying to gang up against you - but trying to show you that you are making choices either by action or inaction, but they are choices all the same.

Perhaps you can think more creatively about the work that you can do... for example we have arranged things so that when my DD starts school in sept, I will go in to work early so DH will take her to school and I work short days so I can pick her up. But you might need to get a job and then reduce your hours. The trick is to think creatively about how you can juggle things. There are things that can be done, but if you start off looking for a job with a massive long checklist, then you're not going to find a job. You have to have some degree of flexibility. Otehrwise, you have to accept that you choose not to take work and accept that that is your decision (Its not impossible, you could get a CM like others do) and make peace with that decision. At the moment you seem as though you say you want to go back to work, but are making reasons as to why this can't be the case. Take a step back and make the right decision for yourself and then start to make peace with that decision.

And one last thing, the best thing you can do for your girls is to be a happy mummy. That's what they need more than anything else. Its more important than whether you use afterschool care / move out / downsize or whatever other decision you might be making.

And I guess that is what I am trying to say - Can you perhaps get away for a few days, to get your head together or something? Or if not, get a book and start writing things down. But you need to start having a focus on what you want to make you happy, and then focus on how you are going to make that happen. Things like childcare and children do make it harder, but they do not make it impossible and if you do not change things, then you are in effect choosing to keep the status quo, in which case you need to make peace with your decisions. But the most important thing, that you must not lose sight of is that your girls deserve a happy mummy. Put them as your focus, because having a hapy mummy would mean more to them than anything else, I bet if you asked them would you prefer to go to a childminders twice a week / or whatever the choice is or to have a happy mummy, I would bet my last dollar they would go for the happy mummy. Take time to think about what will make you happier and how can you can do that - it will mean some compromises along the way, but it will be worth it in the end, if you regain your self esteem and happiness. Whilst you view everything as being against you and beyond your control, I don't think you will be able to make yourself happy again, because things won't significantly change.

Please take time to think about this... and I bet if you start thinking about some of the little things that you can try to change, Mumsnet will be a great source of help and inspiration to you... no-one wants to see you down, and people are trying to help. But all this starts and ends with you. You are the one who will make it happen, so think of your girls and try to make those changes, whatever they might be. And good luck!

Elkat - absolutely.

Well I think the OP is now fully aware abot the childcare option.

I don't think anybody's 'badgering' the OP - but there are now several posters who are putting across the same view.

What a strange perspective yo

Whoops - pressed post by mistake!

Meant to say, what a strange perspective you have on the advice that is being given, izyboy.

I have been "shit on" in the way the OP has been here, however i have posted my mammouth moans in AIBU so i am prepared to get an ear bashing. This topic is not really about that - it is about looking for some sympathy and understanding.

I really hate when people assume its one persons fault, especially the mans Surely we are all grown up to know there are two sides to every story and some good posts have been posted here about how hard times will test even the strongest of partnerships.

TM - i think you should leave this thread and let these people argue it out between them. I find i have to walk away from threads sometimes too. This is not helping you at all.

Please consider going to your doctors, i say this again because i think that is important. Don't push counselling on DH, but maybe some for you? He doesn't even have to know, unless you want to tell him. Give these bad thoughts a rest for a while, go and run a bath, feeling like this is soo tiring. If you are like me, you'll have a better day tomorrow.

I think you are being very strong, and shouldering the bad stuff that is going on in your relationship whilst your DH is sticking his head in the sand a little, but that doesn't make him a bad person. Like you said, you love each other - that is all you need at the end of the day.

Now be off with you and run that bath

Nope I think you will find that there are plenty of posters who see it the same as me Because.. you are choosing to read what you want to.

Really?

Anyway, I was posting to try and help the OP, not to get embroiled in a silly side argument with someone else, which isn't helping the OP at all.

I hope that you come to a decision about what you want to do, TM, and that you and DH can be happy together whatever you decide.

Good luck.

I agree LEM I will leave the thread now - although happy to participate in a separate thread regarding posting with compassion.

BecauseImWorthIt - your posts were very sensible and balanced and expressed a helpful perspective. izyboy has been desperately trying to turn this into an argument and mark us all out of ten for compassion... don't worry about it

Lol - leave it up to findtheriver to give an 'overview' for us. Lovely precise 8.5

I wish I'd never even started this thread now...because it was never my intention to cause bad feeling between other posters, which has clearly happened here. I guess that's the way MN runs sometimes. I shall know the next time when I need some help/advice/support/sympathetic ear not to come to MN in the future. Having said that there are some posters on this thread who have been absolutely lovely and I'm very grateful for your help. Lucyellensmum being one of them. You are lovely. Thank you. There are ways of helping people and ways that are not. I don't believe in knocking someone down when they are down already. Having used MN for quite a few years now all I can say is had I seen this thread myself I would not have posted some of what has been posted for me today. I would have sympathised. I would have offered support. I would not have told the OP that she is unreasonable, self indulgent, a whinger, a moaner or any of the other names I've had given to me today. There are two sides to every story. We all know that. Yes I'm probably partially to blame for the state of my marriage. Like I've said before I'm in no way perfect. But I would always try to help someone as best I could and I would do so tactfully and so not to upset the OP...which unfortunately some of you have today, fortunately just a handful, but its hurt all the same.

Thanks again. I'm off now.

Why thank you! I'm honoured

Sweetheart I am sorry if the argy bargy was disrespectful to you. Seriously, all the best with whatever you decide.

(that was for izy btw!!!)

I've only read the first page but really feel for you TM.

It sounds to me like you may have clinical depression (I've suffered on and off for abour 13 years) and would benefit from seeing your GP about anti depressants and counselling.

I know it's not a road some people like to go down, but in the short term the AD's will help you feel more able to cope and then the counselling can help you sort out where to go next with work, partner etc.

It sounds like you do have some friends around - you might find that if you talk to them and stop putting on a brave face they will offer you some of the support you need.

Try and explain to your DH how you feel and how much you would appreciate his support, even though you know he is working hard for your family. You need to try and make him understand how this might influence his relationship with his daughters too.

Above all, be kind to yourself while you try and get the help you need (be it emotional or physical) and move forward with your life, and best of luck.

I hope if you do revisit this thread, TM, I hope you at least come away knowing that there are people here who understand, there is always an answer (I agree with Dittany's idea about poss sharing childcare with your DH), you can change this situation and you can be happy.
You are obviously worn down by everyday life and feeling very put upon, I don't blame you.
Take on board some of the suggestions on here (ignoring the bickering ), good luck.

That's exactly what I thought dittany. Most people cannot dictate their working day so flexibly, so in fact the OP has the potential advantage of being able to work without needing as much paid childcare as most people do.
I just can't get my head round the idea that one parent totally accepts all the responsibility for looking after the children. At what point does this happen? Do some partners never discuss their feelings/joys/disappointments/hopes with eachother?? I think if you are living a life of such unhappiness and imbalance, you owe it to your children, as well as yourself, to take a serious look at how you can change things.
And FWIW, a lot of us don't have a network or people around that we can just ask for help. Every bif of childcare DH and I have ever used has been paid for - that's the real world - and for many years when we were both employed and not self employed, we had very little flexibility.

What a bizarre comment dittany! Maybe you don't agree that good relationships between parents are based around honest communication. Maybe you don't agree that balancing childcare, work and other responsibilities can be a positive way to live your life.
Or rather, maybe you do agree with what I wrote, but just can't bear to admit it so throw in a totally nonsensical comment that is supposed to be an insult