TM, are you me??? Really?? Are you?? LEM checks herself to make sure she hasn't transported herself into another mumsnetter.
Relationship problems - check
money problems - double check
SAHM battling and wanting a job to fit around children - check
Not able to see any positives at all - check check check.
Wanting support from mumsnet - check
Getting support from mumsnet - check check check
Sometimes getting a kick up the arse from mumsnet - check.
I have had someone shout at me in the way MTA has done, i told her to fuck off.
BUT there was an element of truth in what she was saying. When i am on a downer my posts are so negative and it doesnt matter what people suggest, i always have a yes but. When i am in a state like that i cannot see out of the black hole, yes its self pity, but well, tough titty, i can't help it sometimes, as you say, it just gets too much. So, whilst i am not one to offer sympathy because i hate all that "poor baby" stuff (makes me worse) i can definately offer some empathy, because i DO understand how it is, i really do.
So, you are a SAHM at the moment, some major issues with his family, well cross that one off the list - THEIR problem not yours, and they don't sound like much of a loss to your DH.
No jobs in your area? There will be if you look in the right places. Im sure. I am a scientist "by trade" and there really not much in the way of suitable jobs for me in this area, i would have to commute and im not willing to do that, even when DD goes to school as i dont want to get home at 7 or 8 at night, her bedtime. So, its a change of career for me - im going to be a teacher. Next year, when DD starts school im going to do my PGCE. Have you thought about this? or teaching assistant? That way you dont have to stress about holidays etc - you can get some experience in local schools, ask if you can shadow for a couple of days, see if its an idea you might like.
Don't feel bad about the money situation, you have children that need their mummy, i too couldnt bear to put DD in full time childcare - please don't feel guilty for that.
Now the difficult bit - DH, now, this might sound harsh too, but i really don't mean it to be. I almost thought MTA was the same poster who said some horrible things to me about my DP. This person told me i must be an utter burden, well yes, she is probably right, how being told that helps i don't know . BUT, we are under financial strain, my DP shoulders most, if not all of this stress. Then i add to it by being miserable, irritable and a nag - in the past few years when we have really battled with money, i have seen him change into a man with a temper. He would never ever hit me (he wouldnt DARE! - believe me, his temper is nothing compared to mine)i hastent to add. But he has said some horrible thigns, just as i do. I have to sometimes, hold myself back from saying things, it makes things worse, that sounds awfully subserviant and submissive but its not, its about weighing up the situation and recognising that you are potentially pushing someone to boiling point. I do this alot .
What i am trying to say re DH, is don't necessarily take his behaviour to heart. He might be battling too, i know mine is. I have asked him to come to counseeling with me, he refused, he could NEVER do that. It just means he needs to sort things out in his own way. Maybe your DH is like my DP.
He might feel like you do sometimes, so stressed out that he can't see past his own problems.
What about going on one of those Sun holidays, im sure it wont be too late to sort something out. It will be cheap and cheerful, but it will be a break!
The last thing i have to say is, please go to your doctor. You sound like me so much it is scary. I am on anti-deppressants and they help so much. DP and I were on the verge of splitting and these things saved my relationship. I just think that when you get SO down, the way you are (i am too) it becomes physical and you need something to help you see the wood for the trees.
The last thing you need is someone telling you to pull yourself together, because unless you have been there, you just don't know, you really have no-idea
You say you adore your children, that is wonderful it really is. I bet you are a fantastic mum, and that counts for so much. I bet your DH is more proud of you then he lets on.
Do you think you have become clingy though? A friend of mine said that since she has been at home that she has got clingy with her DH and its awkward - perhaps in the meantime before getting a job, you could take on some voluntary work, just to give you something to focus on?
Please try to find some positives, i know it is hard i really really do - almost impossible but they are out there.
LEM is now going to save this post and post it to herself when she hits rock bottom again (never take my own bloody advice).
Take care - and don't be put off by the harsh posts, sometimes i think people think that is helpful, sometimes it is, but there are times when it is the last thing you need.
However, im sure they were all meant well.