I just don't know what to do anymore....

[tearfulmummy]

I've name changed to do this thread. I'm a long-standing regular MNetter.

I just need some help/advice about my relationship with my DH. We have two daughters.

I have been with DH for almost 20yrs. He is a lovely caring guy, when he wants to be. He has a temper. I saw it this morning.

He works extremely hard and puts his job first and foremost in his life, even before me and the kids. This has always been a bug-bear for me. Whilst I know holding down a full-time job is important I don't see it should always come first. He is in charge of his own working day. He can make changes to his day if he chooses to. When it comes to me and the kids he won't.

He has no relationship with his parents. He blames me for that. They never liked me from day one. They've always made it obvious they don't like me. They preferred his first wife. We have not seen them for many years. They've not even met our youngest daughter. Their choice, not ours. We ring them - they put the phone down. We text them - no reply. They live a 2hr drive away. His Father once said to me on one of our first visits that I was the girlfriend on the rebound. He has also called me some vicious names in the past and has made some very threatening comments about my family. As a result I do not like or trust DH's family.

DH's temper was awful this morning. I told him I'd had enough of being stuck at home. I desperately want to go back to work but I have the children to consider. My youngest is due to start school this Autumn but finding a job that will fit with school-runs is almost impossible around here. The schools themselves have no part-time work either. I told him I'd love to go out one evening, even just for a drink, but there is no-one to have the kids. I have friends but I don't like to ask them. DH has no friends - he is always too wrapped up with work to keep his mates outside work.

I told him to f-off this morning. I'd had enough. He keeps me awake with his snoring. He doesn't come to bed until the early hours because he watches rubbish on tv. He wakes me up when he comes to bed. We have no sex life whatsoever. I can't remember the last time we had sex - must be last year. When I told him to f-off this morning his reply was 'ok, I'm off'. I told him not to come back. His reply was 'ok, fine'. He was stood at the stairs and he told me to push him down the stairs. He kept telling me to push him...'come on push me down the stairs then'. Needless to say I didn't.

We have no money. We are fully skint. I am struggling to keep our fridge full. DH's money is good but with our mortgage and general outgoings we have next to nothing to live off. I have a car which I've considered getting rid of but I know if I do I'll need it for some emergency or other. I have an elderly Mum who doesn't drive and lives 10 miles away. My Dad died some years ago. I can't get rid of the car in case she needs me. I can't afford to run the car but its legal, that's about it.

I worry that the kids are picking up on the bad state of my relationship with DH. He does nothing to help himself. He is a good Dad but has no patience with them. I'm often telling him to calm it with the kids because its all too easy for him to raise his voice with them. The eldest is now becoming quite scared of him and his temper. He has never hurt them. He's not like that but his shouting and temper is scaring her. She comes to me when he's like that.

I can't afford to be living on my own with the kids. We don't have the money to survive. He has nowhere to go anyway. He'll never leave. His parents won't want him. He has no other family.

Y'know what though. I do love him. But I don't love him the same way I used to love him. I don't feel close to him anymore. We don't kiss or cuddle. I hate this. What do I do? xxx

X post hope TM and LW feel better xxxxxxx

tearfulmummy...you came here for help and once again I have seen how harsh mn is. do not go away and think that no-one understands you. I was you last year for twenty years of my life.

Go to your doctor and see if you are depressed first of all. A short course of tabs may make a lot of difference to you.

I think alot of your problem is because you feel powerless...this is crippling, believe me, I know. This is why you have to start slowly just to find out what is possible for you. You have started the difficiult process by coming on here and asking for advice....that is to be applauded. I salute
your courage in wanting to make changes and to make a better life for yourself...this is entirely possible...what ever you decide to do. x

Thank you gettingagrip and everyone else who has come on and supported me. I just feel quite deflated at MTA's comments. I felt as low as I could get when I put this thread on MN earlier this morning. To be honest I feel even lower now.

I can see why MIA posted what she did but I started this thread to try and get some advice on how I could get myself up again. Not get beaten down any further.

I'm glad MTA has apologised to littlewoman too.

Quite alright on my account, MTA. I realised it wasn't meant for me after a while

Tm, are you still here?

Oh yes, I see you are. Right, was any of it any help. Is there something you think you could do to move forward?

But TM, I'm not trying to be harsh, but do you want help or sympathy? I think many of these posts (even the more harsher ones) are trying to help you, even if they are not particularly high on sympathy.

I'm really trying not to have a go, but your last post seems to read as though you have not had the sympathy you wanted so you're off in a huff. But, in all honesty, I don't think it is sympathy you really need (because that won't change anything) what you need is help. And sometimes medicine can be bittersweet.

Again, I'll say I think that a job will make a huge difference to your life. Choosing to be a SAHM mum isn't a reason to stop you looking for a job now, plenty of people spend time in and out of work. Don't look at it as though you've made your bed and now you have got to lie on it... because then only you are stopping yourself from change. But honestly, I think if you can get work again (even if its just a little part time job in a shop) then it will give you loads... help to restore your self esteem, give you friends and a new life, bring back that 'you' part that perhaps has been lost in being 'mummy', give you money so perhaps you can afford a babysitter or time out with your hubby and invest in your marriage, or if you decide to leave your husband, then it will give you that financial independence where you will be in control to do that - but it will be your decision to stay or go, and with a job (and tax credits if you decide to leave) you will be so much more empowered. It will also give you time away from your situation, so that you can reflect on what is really making you unhappy - is it your hubby? the strain of having no money? It will give you time alone, and perhaps you can use that to reflect.

Now is the perfect time to get back into the workforce because lots of places are taking on Christmas staff (they're recruiting now) and you can use that as a stepping stone onto something more permanent - or if its not the right solution, then the contract will end in January and you've not lost anything! Many shops are very flexible in the hours that you can do.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think you need to do as MTA says, try to look at the little things you can do to change your life... these will snowball and lead onto greater changes and so on.

Sympathy might be want you want to hear, because you do sound bloody miserable, but ideas for change is what you need. Look for the little things that you can do, to snowball and perhaps help you to get out of that rut that you seem to feel as though you are in.

I sincerely hope this has helped!

Sorry, looks like I have cross posted with loads of threads. Must learn to type quicker!

Yes, definitely get a job if you possibly can, even if it's lunch time bar lady, school dinner lady, whatever. I wanted to write 'help me' all over the walls in lipstick when I was a sahm. It truly helps you rediscover your identity when you have a job.

Hi Tearfulmummy

Well I could have written your post. I'm in exactly the same position as you and it's awful.

(DH has his own company, we are financially screwed, no family support, 2 DD's, he has a horrific temper....oh, and likes to call me the 'victim' after ripping me apart now and again. Our marriage is also crumbling and there's no way he would go to relate)

Don't feel wrong for posting your feelings here - who else can you vent to?

Yes your DH is working hard to support you, but he could make more quality time for you and his family. You've had to acknowledge how hard he's working but he hasn't done that for you. I bet he wouldn't have been happy with his kids going to a childminder either so IMO is taking you for granted.

It sounds to me like he needs an ultimatum. I would really consider talking to your mum and asking if she would let you stay for a while (I bet she would - you've just never asked her before) have a break from each other and really think things through in your head.

Have a couple of weeks apart then get a babysitter for night out together to talk things through.

Good luck xx

No I haven't gone off in a 'huff'.....a 40yr old going off in a 'huff'... new one on me.

Yes I am still here.

I came onto MN this morning out of desperation because I feel so crap. I've opened up on MN to ask for some help. Perhaps I look at MN as a shoulder to cry on sometimes. I have helped others on MN before and yes I have sympathised with people when I've felt they've needed some support. Perhaps I was expecting too much coming on here this morning.

I am old enough and ugly enough to handle criticism and negative comments. I was also rather hoping for some sympathy. Yes, perhaps I was after a bit of sympathy cos it does help sometimes to get it and I will always give it if I feel it is necessary.

I have not gone off in a 'huff'. I know I have to do more to help myself. Just sometimes it helps to share problems. Going off in a huff is something I'd accuse my eldest daughter of doing not an adult!

The other thing I forgot to say, was that you might find having more money also helps your marraige too. I have also been in times when money has been incredibly tight and it does put a burden on the relationship. I suspect your husband feels it too, and that may contribute towards his temper. Having not enough money is no fun for anyone. I've been there too.

It is hard to see from your post the extent to which your financial hardship is contributing to your problems. You say you don't have enough money to run a car, so I'm guessing things are pretty rough. In which case, is your hubby worried about making ends meet? Not affording things is an awful situation to be in, particularly in teh current climate. If you're both stressed about money, then that's going to be contributing to your problems.

Sorry if I seem to be banging on about this, but so much of what you said just made me think that money problems seems to be an underlying current that I think wouldn't solve things but might help to ease problems for you - they seem to be behind lots of different 'complaints'.

Just a different perspective, but I hope it might help.

knockedup and MMJ...thank youxxxxxx

Sorry, Xpost again!

The lack of money does play a major part in our relationship problems, always has and always will. He had a good month with wages last month. He wanted to go out and buy a BBQ. It was me that said no. I know how he feels tho - he puts the hours in so he wants to see the fruits of his labour.

We have a set budget each week, set by me, that is realistic to what we have coming in. I have told him, if he wants, he can run the money side of things but he won't because he says I'm better at it. I'm always trying to find ways of us cutting back on our outgoings. He wanted us to go to an airshow this weekend. It would've cost us £90 to go - I said no but he'd have been happy to put it on a credit card and go.

Whilst I know he's out there earning it he's also happy to spend it. I want to get back out and earn something to help not only for myself and to boost my confidence but also to have that extra bit of cash.

I am trying my hardest to keep this relationship going. I am trying my hardest to keep the roof over our heads. Repossessions are common practice around here atm. I could use my car on a daily basis every day if I wished, but I'm not, to cut back.

I am also trying to be a good Mum to two beautiful daughters.

Sometimes it just gets too much for me, that's all.

That post was harsh To me you sound like someone who is making what sound like excuses because the alternative is to leave and you seem to still really love him you have just lost your way a bit.Talk to him even if you think he's not listening or you get little response it will sink in somewhere.Don't leave anything out and don't focus solely on the negative because it doesn't all sound bad!

which post?

missing the actions

"DH is a lovely bloke, I know that. I know also I'm lucky that I have a husband cos I know a lot of Mums on here don't have partners. "

Don't feel sorry for lone parents. When I read these threads (and there are millions of them) I am thinking thank GOD I am not lumbered with an arsehole.

i do feel for you that you are so miserable though, as I was miserable before i left my x. Hope life gets better soon.

TM, you sound at the end of your tether. I'm sorry if I upset you at all.

Sorry for not reading your post properly, too. I see you already have a job. I was a bit flustered at the time. Sorry. Hope you're okay

Tearfulmummy, is there anyway that you could get a job back in your old career and use a childminder to help out with picking up/dropping off and school holidays?
After 4 years at home,I am in the process of going into a new venture and feel, well alive really! Even though I won't be able to earn much right away I know that once we've built the business I can reap the rewards.
Is there anyway you could work even part time?

Sorry, more hours in a more fulfilling/rewarding role?
Something to get you feeling more like "you" again?

LW - you have not upset me at all. I'm just glad MTA apologised to you cos I thought it was wrong that she dragged you into this too.

TBH I feel like a lone parent at times and tbh I actually prefer it. He leaves the house quite early (his choice) and doesn't get home until the kids are going to bed. Then he'll spend the evening on his laptop doing his paperwork (his choice). I've often reminded him that he doesn't get paid any extra for going early and working in the evenings and that he should do 'work' in 'work time' but this is where he puts work first. Only the other morning his mobile rang at 7am - I'm busy getting kids up and he's on the phone to a colleague about something that could've waited till a more decent hour. Rather than me rant and rave at him I just ignore it.

When he has time off he insists on taking his mobile with him if we go out. Never a day goes by when he doesn't talk to his boss or a colleague. They know he's off and yet they still ring. He'll say 'I'm off today mate...but what's up?'. So no matter what he just can't leave work alone and nor do they leave him alone.

If he goes away with work, which is quite often, I actually like being on my own with the kids, no matter how much hardwork they can be. I seem better organised and run a better routine. I sleep better on my own too. How bizarre is that? He seems to miss me more than I miss him.

As far as sex is concerned....well it fizzled out a long time ago - probably as far back as when I had DD2 because I was very ill after that and in and out of hospital with various problems. I've never felt good about myself since.

lizzylou...I desperately want to work and would dearly love to go back and pick up the career I left 10 years ago. Unfortunately the job isn't there anymore due to the company relocating.

I could go back and start all over again in another role but it would have to fit in with school. Yes I could use a childminder but after having taken my kids to school and back for many years I don't want to lumber them on to someone else and my eldest can be a sensitive child at the best of times and she has been very ill during the last few months so I'm rather protective over her.