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Original poster

Fiance has really upset me, don't know what to do

146 replies

AcidRainDrops · 05/07/2008 15:48

I am due to get married in 3 months time. I have two boys to a previous relationship (aged 12 and 14) and DD to current partner (aged 2).

Anyway as we're going through the details of the wedding last night Fiance asked if there was any chance my boys could stay at their dad's on the day of the wedding.

I actually thought I'd misheard him at first and asked what he meant. He did his usual "giggle to make my comments seem less offensive" before saying "don't take this the wrong way...but when I imagined my wedding I imagined my parents, my children, my friends...not a load of baggage from the wife's last marriage" he then giggled again and said "that sounds bad but you know what I mean...?"

I was really upset, held back tears just incase he was simply having a laugh and said "don't be stupid, I want my kids there" and he looked away and said "oh, well its up to you I suppose, I just thought it would be nice if it could just be me, you and DD".

I said it would never just me me, him and DD as my two older children would always come first and if he didn't want them, he didn't want me either so he stood up and said "oh don't be so dramatic, I was only saying".

I was really upset by it and all sorts was going through my mind, he acted as if nothing had been said so I was left wondering if I over-reacted and I decided to forget about the comment but then this morning he brought it up again, did his stupid giggle and said "I don't know what my parents will think on the day, I doubt they imagined my wedding day stood there with someone elses kids either" he then looked at me and laughed as if it was a huge joke we should both be sharing.

Am I being too sensitive? please be honest because at the moment, I'm actually wondering if we should be getting married at all.

OP posts:
theressomethingaboutmarie · 07/07/2008 14:08

ARD - my dad split up with my mum when I was very little. Due to my mum's depression, we went to live with my dad and his new wife. She made it very clear to us (my brother and I) that we were not welcome (she was particularly horrid to me and funnily enough, never when my dad was around). She was an evil b*tch and made my childhood a misery. She made it very very clear that she favoured her own children and that we lived there are her sufferance. She used to blame me for her arguments with my dad (they were very volatile anyway) from when we started living with them (I was 5 and desperately missing my own mum, wondering what I had done wrong to make her go away ).

I remember it all very well and how much it affected me. I ended up having counselling for a time when I went to university. I was so desperate to be loved that I would throw myself at men hoping that they would love me as neither my mum or step-mum had (as I saw it anyway). Don't put your own kids through it.

clam · 07/07/2008 19:37

I don't see how this engagement can carry on. I mean, what can the fiance do? He could apologise and say, "sorry, I didnt mean it" but I think we're probably all agreed that he absolutely did mean it. The bottom line is, he does not regard the OP's sons as part of "his" family. So, the stark choice is: accept that, marry him regardless, and watch things deteriorate and your DSs sidelined and become hurt and understandably resentful. Or, stop the wedding now. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to ditch the relationship (athough this is a deal-breaker, as far as I can see) but at least you woud be slightly more free to walk away if his attitude towards your DSs deteriorates even further.
And, fgs, "that sounds bad but you know what I mean...?" It sounds bad because it is bad. Very bad.

belcantavinissima · 07/07/2008 19:46

he sounds unpleasant, rude, manipulative and v immature. if i were you i would be callling off the wedding. it will be a farce. you cannot live the rest of your life with this poor excuse for a man always pushing your dss away. and your boys would come to resent you for putting them through it. v and for you.

Monty100 · 07/07/2008 19:48

I know I'll get my head chopped off for saying this as its so unhelpful, but I'd have been tempted to suggest it might be better if his parents stayed at home! See how he feels then.

lydiathetattooedlady · 07/07/2008 19:49

i haven't read all the responses to your thread, and i can only offer you my personal experience but...long story here goes..
my dad met my step mum 15 years ago (i was 11) we all went on holiday together she has a daughter bout 31ish now i think. on holiday ahe turned round and shouted at my dad, 'i've raised my kids i don't have to raise yours'
(mine and sisters ages at the time were 12,10,8)we were never invited on holiday again with them, they only took her daughter (who didn't even live with them!)more and more nasty comments over the years were heard about us through closed doors.
since then our visits became less and less-they are now about once maybe twice a year, if they are up our way (i.e the rugby's on!) we are not welcome to stay at there's.
i hate the women and now resent my dad for choosing her and her daughter over us.
he's only seen my dd about 4 times and she's now 16 months.
im not saying your kids will resent you i just know how i feel towards my dad-i wish he'd stuck up for us more.

clam · 07/07/2008 19:52

And your sons can't have missed the negative vibe coming from him, either. Wonder how they'd feel to know that their mum loved them so much that she called off her wedding because she felt that the new man didn't rate them highly enough.... Or, conversely, that she loved the new man so much (more than them) that she married him despite the fact that he clearly didn't rate them or want them around.
ARD, I'm so sorry if this all sounds a bit harsh, but you can't sweep this one under the carpet. He's stated his views, albeit in a roundabout way, and you have to deal with it. For your sons' sakes.

clam · 07/07/2008 19:54

Don't see why you would need to duck, monty. I reckon the parents have less claim to be there than the OP's sons, actually.

Fimbo · 07/07/2008 19:55

He sounds a tosser {sorry but he does}.

Where have you gone OP?

DarthVader · 07/07/2008 19:56

Doesn't bode at all well for a happy future for your family

Doobydoo · 07/07/2008 19:58

Oh,how awful for you.I hope your sons never find out.I was going to ask how he was with them on a day to day basis but there is no poinyt.I would be surprised if,after what you have said,that you married him.How sad

morningpaper · 07/07/2008 20:00

He sounds like a tosser but then so do half of the husbands on here

Not marrying him just puts you in a vulnerable financial situation - don't see how that helps

I would think about some counselling or something so that you can both talk sensibly about these matters - he does sound very immature

clam · 07/07/2008 20:02

Yeah, but would counselling change how he feels about the boys? he might be able to rationaise it, but it wouldn't actually alter things, would it?

Monty100 · 07/07/2008 20:03

Thanks Clam, yes that's what I mean, if they're going to have a problem with it.... and he's choosing their feelings over anyone else's. What an ass.

This is a really bad sign of things to come.

I have a really close friend who remarried a guy who had a daughter and she has two dc's from first marriage. They cannot stand each others' dc's and it eats up their relationship. Terrible.

I would be thinking long and very very hard.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

georgiemama · 07/07/2008 20:15

how have you managed to get to a position where you have a child with this man, and are supposed to be weeks from marrying him,without noticing that he felt like this about your children? It beggars belief.

Where has OP gone anyway?

clam · 07/07/2008 20:19

And, if this man wants to airbrush your boys from the wedding (and how can he have seriously suggested that? What are you supposed to say to them? "OK boys. Big family knees up on Saturday, but you're off to your dad's. If you're lucky he'll get you a MacDonalds instead. We'll show you the photos afterwards."), how long before he (and/or his family) decide they want them excluded from Christmas as well? And DD's birthday party? Or your birthday party? Crazy, crazy, crazy.....

morningpaper · 07/07/2008 20:26

I don't think FEELINGS are that important

You can still be a good parent without FEELING all the right things

But you have to DO AND SAY all the right things

Creole · 08/07/2008 21:54

hmmmm...have we been fooled again? I hope not!

I hate when people do this, I was really following this story and worring about the OP - Not nice!

SSSandy2 · 09/07/2008 08:00

I don't think so creole, just might be quite hard for her to listen to a lot of comments condemning der fiance, since after all he is the father of one of her dc and she was planning to marry him. Anyway good luck to her making something good out of this. It's a tough one.

MsPontipine · 09/07/2008 09:53

" In fact,he was so much a part of our wedding plans,he referred to it as when "we" get married to Paul/DH. "

Arrrrrr - that's so lovely.

MsPontipine · 09/07/2008 09:54

AcidRainDrops Don't do it.

hertsnessex · 09/07/2008 10:01

i think you need to reconsider your marraige. think or all your children - your ds's can't and shouldnt havev to grow up with a man like this.

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