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Original poster

Fiance has really upset me, don't know what to do

146 replies

AcidRainDrops · 05/07/2008 15:48

I am due to get married in 3 months time. I have two boys to a previous relationship (aged 12 and 14) and DD to current partner (aged 2).

Anyway as we're going through the details of the wedding last night Fiance asked if there was any chance my boys could stay at their dad's on the day of the wedding.

I actually thought I'd misheard him at first and asked what he meant. He did his usual "giggle to make my comments seem less offensive" before saying "don't take this the wrong way...but when I imagined my wedding I imagined my parents, my children, my friends...not a load of baggage from the wife's last marriage" he then giggled again and said "that sounds bad but you know what I mean...?"

I was really upset, held back tears just incase he was simply having a laugh and said "don't be stupid, I want my kids there" and he looked away and said "oh, well its up to you I suppose, I just thought it would be nice if it could just be me, you and DD".

I said it would never just me me, him and DD as my two older children would always come first and if he didn't want them, he didn't want me either so he stood up and said "oh don't be so dramatic, I was only saying".

I was really upset by it and all sorts was going through my mind, he acted as if nothing had been said so I was left wondering if I over-reacted and I decided to forget about the comment but then this morning he brought it up again, did his stupid giggle and said "I don't know what my parents will think on the day, I doubt they imagined my wedding day stood there with someone elses kids either" he then looked at me and laughed as if it was a huge joke we should both be sharing.

Am I being too sensitive? please be honest because at the moment, I'm actually wondering if we should be getting married at all.

OP posts:
2point4kids · 05/07/2008 16:16

you deserve better as well!

flibertyplus2 · 05/07/2008 16:18

OMG that's awful! He sounds like a very controllig man with the passive agressive stuff. It's setting off warning bells all over for me.

Obviously, I only know about him what you have written here but I'd lay money on him being an emotional abuser type. No way would I have someone in my house who has plans to differentiate between your kids with money like that, never mind exclude them from your wedding!

Can you imagine explaining to your boys when they grow up that you married someone who talked about them like that even before the wedding!?!

That's before you consider the effect on your DD of being treated so differently. It could completely wreck the chances of good relationship with her brothers and with you if you keep being put in the position of choosing between them like this.

So very sorry that you are going through this. If you have doubts, please don't go through with it, it reflects on him, not you.

OverMyDeadBody · 05/07/2008 16:24

yes, and of course you deserve better too!

Sobernow · 05/07/2008 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2point4kids · 05/07/2008 16:25

Sorry OMDB, I wasnt meaning my comment as a dig at you, just emphasising the point!

Beetroot · 05/07/2008 16:27

If your sons have been on holiday with their dad then in many ways booking a holiday with just dd and you and your p is fine - and of course what is wrong with him wanting time with just the 3 of you. HOWEVER

this seems ot run much deeper than just the odd holiday
of coure your kids have to at your wedding!

beingpositive · 05/07/2008 16:29

He is not the man I would marry. [sorry]

Ivegotaheadache · 05/07/2008 16:34

Would you consider postponing th ewedding until you have sorted some of these issues out?

You MUST think about your boys and what it will be like for them to live with a man who doesn't regard them as part of his family, just someone elses kids who happen to live with him.

It really doesn't sound good for the future if he doesn't want them at their mother's wedding!! If that's not a place for them then what will it be like when the wedding is over and family life gets under way? Will they have a place in his home?

Please think very carefully about the wedding, and do his parents share his view?
It sounds like it from what you said about them not wanting someone elses kids there.

Ivegotaheadache · 05/07/2008 16:35

Oh no sorry, didn't read carefully again. He said that he wanted his parents ect, not his parents!!

beaniesteve · 05/07/2008 16:35

Are your sons not involved in the ceremony in any way?

lulumama · 05/07/2008 16:37

he has shown on several occasions now that he will actively favour his biological child. that your DSs are so much baggage to be filed away where possible. to expect you to not have your own children your own children at your wedding is ludicrous and immature.

it is a good job you are seeing this before the wedding

i;d be running for the hills right now

mamalovesmojitos · 05/07/2008 16:40

i'm sorry for you. i would not marry this man.

i can also guess that your dcs will pick up on the fact that he views them as part of your baggage from the past. children are perceptive. it is hard enough for children to accept a new step parent that loves them and makes the effort. how will he make them feel?

you deserve a lot better. walk away.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/07/2008 16:56

No you should not be marrying him at all and I would tell him that he is no longer your fiance. Postponing it is also not an option given his attitude.

Far too many red flags to count here - you need to take heed now and call the whole thing off. He is both passive aggressive and an emotional abuser. I would not marry this man because if you do it will only bring more misery to your boys. Your boys are not biologically his so he is rejecting them and will continue to do so. He will likely want them out of the picture altogether and for them to go and live with their own Dad (to this end he will continue to push them out), what he ultimately wants is just "his " family unit of you and his own daughter.

You marry him = you put him before your sons and you're a fool to your own self. You will answer to your sons eventually if you do and your relationship with them is likely to be irrepareably damaged. Your daughter's relationship with her half brothers is also going to be skewed badly if he carries on like he is.

I think you saw the signs of this happening but for reasons only known to yourself chose not to act on them. Perhaps you thought he would change - a triumph of hope over experience. Now the chickens are coming home to roost. So its now up to you - he has made his position all too crystal clear.

PhoebenotBuffay · 05/07/2008 17:20

I agree with the others that you shouldn't be marrying him at all. I cannot believe that any man would say that to someone he loves and is about to marry.

When I met my dh, I had my dd (she was 6) and he always, always included her in everything we did. He treats her as his own. When he proposed to me the next day he asked her if it was ok to ask me to marry him and for us to live together etc. The only reason he did it the day after is that she'd have told me if he'd asked her first! But the point is he does not see her as baggage and would never ever think like that. His parents welcomed her into his life and into their lives. How your partner's parents could, in his words, "feel" about his wedding day being, well, blighted by your children is beyond comprehension. They're parents too and surely to goodness they know what a bond it is when you have children. Not something you can get rid of when it suits you.

You really mustn't let this man make your children feel inferior to the child he has with you. You have to make a stand and cancel the wedding. I agree with whoever said that postponing doesn't send the right message as it implies you'll get over his attitude sooner or later.

All that said, I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this so close to your wedding. He sounds like a knob of the highest order and I usually only refer to my dd's dad using that term.

AliceFairfax · 05/07/2008 17:40

He sounds awful. You need to prioritise your sons over yourself atm because they are still young. I think it would be very damaginging to a teenage boy to be thought of as baggage by someone that their mother has brought into their lives. It would be sad for you and for dd if you were to split up but if you stay together it will be sad for the boys, their relationship with you and their sister will suffer if they are treated as an underclass in their own home. If is was me I would end the relationship.

AbricotsSecs · 05/07/2008 17:40

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AbricotsSecs · 05/07/2008 17:41

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BronzeNemesis · 05/07/2008 17:44

Baggage? Perks more like it.

I'm with everyone else your children come first.

Guitargirl · 05/07/2008 17:48

. He sounds awful. Really. I would have been livid at the baggage comment. Who the hell does he think he is?

I almost never post on the coupley threads as am always a believer that there are 2 sides to most stories, etc. but really in this case he seems like such a thoughtless, horrible man. This could be so damaging for your children. I would not marry him - never.

sqiushysquashy · 05/07/2008 17:48

I dont want to upset you any further than he already has, but he obviously hasn't accepted your two boys and doesn't see them as part of his family. He is obviously more concerned with how his parents will feel than how your two boys would feel if you did what he wanted. It seems as he views them as an embarrassment and wishes they weren't there. Maybe he thinks that in a few years they will be old enough to look after themselves and he wont have to be bothered with them.

You need to think had before marrying this man.

I think that you should put your boys first and leave him. He is not worthy to be in your family.

beaniesteve · 05/07/2008 17:48

Erm, by not marrying him, by leaving him completely as some people have advised.... what effect would this have on the child you do have together?

Can you not sit down and have a talk and sort this out?

stellawasadiver · 05/07/2008 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceFairfax · 05/07/2008 17:52

This may sound like a stupid question but does his family know the boys exist. I know a lady with an adult great grandson and non of her old lady friends know about him because he embarrases her by existing.

Does he want the boys to disappear at christmas etc. so he can pretend that they don't exist.

cocolepew · 05/07/2008 17:54

It's your wedding day too, it's only right that you would want all your children there. I wouldn't be marrying him, sorry.

babytime · 05/07/2008 17:55

How dare he!!!!!

He sounds like a horrible character, how could he say that to you???

Disgusting, he wont change!

If I were you I would have to seriously think about staying with him