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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fiance has really upset me, don't know what to do

146 replies

AcidRainDrops · 05/07/2008 15:48

I am due to get married in 3 months time. I have two boys to a previous relationship (aged 12 and 14) and DD to current partner (aged 2).

Anyway as we're going through the details of the wedding last night Fiance asked if there was any chance my boys could stay at their dad's on the day of the wedding.

I actually thought I'd misheard him at first and asked what he meant. He did his usual "giggle to make my comments seem less offensive" before saying "don't take this the wrong way...but when I imagined my wedding I imagined my parents, my children, my friends...not a load of baggage from the wife's last marriage" he then giggled again and said "that sounds bad but you know what I mean...?"

I was really upset, held back tears just incase he was simply having a laugh and said "don't be stupid, I want my kids there" and he looked away and said "oh, well its up to you I suppose, I just thought it would be nice if it could just be me, you and DD".

I said it would never just me me, him and DD as my two older children would always come first and if he didn't want them, he didn't want me either so he stood up and said "oh don't be so dramatic, I was only saying".

I was really upset by it and all sorts was going through my mind, he acted as if nothing had been said so I was left wondering if I over-reacted and I decided to forget about the comment but then this morning he brought it up again, did his stupid giggle and said "I don't know what my parents will think on the day, I doubt they imagined my wedding day stood there with someone elses kids either" he then looked at me and laughed as if it was a huge joke we should both be sharing.

Am I being too sensitive? please be honest because at the moment, I'm actually wondering if we should be getting married at all.

OP posts:

Weeteeny · 05/07/2008 17:58

I hate the term "baggage". I would never dream of referring to my DP's son as this. It is offensive, as if he is a burden. This man is showing his total lack of care for your DSs, please do not marry him. His favourtism will not be "discreet" he is displaying it already. Apart from the affect it will have on your boys, it may even affect their relationship with your DD. Sorry to be blunt, your DP is a creep.

beaniesteve · 05/07/2008 17:58

what about the child they have together - how would her leaving help that child?

sqiushysquashy · 05/07/2008 17:59

Is surely not better that they stay together and the two boys are treated as second class to the DD?

sqiushysquashy · 05/07/2008 17:59

I meant: Its surley not better

sqiushysquashy · 05/07/2008 18:01

Oh, blardy hell, what I mean is that if they stay together the two boys will be treated unfavourably compared to dd by the OPs dp. That cannot be tolerated suerly?

TheFallenMadonna · 05/07/2008 18:03

You need to talk about it. Quite explicitly talk about this issue. Don't let him turn it around. Lay out your concerns and expectations and see what he has to say. And do it now.

beaniesteve · 05/07/2008 18:03

What fallenmadonna said, you need to talk. It's not just the future of your two oldest that needs discussion.

AliceFairfax · 05/07/2008 18:04

Personally I wouldn't sail 2 of my children down the river for the sake of my third. Its a horrible situation and no-one is going to come out of it unscathed. The dds relationship with her brothers needs to be taken into consideration too. It can't be all that much fun being resented by your siblings because you are so obviously the favourite. Its very sad. I don't envy you having to make this decission Acid.

unfitmother · 05/07/2008 18:04

Alarm bells are ringing!

Sawyer64 · 05/07/2008 18:06

My DH is my 2nd DH and his point of view is "he's a selfish prat,he met you with DC's,and you come as a package,thats it really".

I agree with my DH,when we met I had DS aged 6 yrs old,it was important to me that my DS was or became as important to my DH.Thats what attracted me to him.

We both wanted to make my DS a special part of our wedding,and he was our Pageboy,and often during the service, a Blessing in church, after the register office,the vicar mentioned my DC's name alot,as we were becoming a new family,not just Husband and wife.

In fact,he was so much a part of our wedding plans,he referred to it as when "we" get married to Paul/DH.

Tell him how he has hurt you,and how you need them to be part of your wedding,and indeed an integral essential part of your new life together afterwards,no compromise,no jokes.

Ultimatum time I think. Good Luck.

stitch · 05/07/2008 18:10

i dont think this is relationship destroying stuff.
he has a dd with you. that means that you have been together for at least three years. so he has known th eboys since they were 9 and 11 at the very least. in that time, yyou have had ample oppurtunity to asess how he is around them. how he treat s them etc etc. obviously it must have been acceptable to you, otherwise you would not have accepted his proposal of marriage, or had a child by him.
i think he is having a bridezilla moment. he may have imagined that is how his wedding would be, but if he wants to marry you, then that is not how his wedding is going to be. he needs to understand this. and know that his idiocy could possibly cost him his family. you gavve the right answer, and you need to stick with it. you come as a package, or he loses all of you.

Mumfun · 05/07/2008 18:11

Im really sorry this has happened and I would be really really upset by this.

But you do have a DD together and its so sad for you.

Do you think that he could be changed - made to see that is attitude is totally unacceptable and that your children are all part of the family.

Feel for you and hope that he could be made to see the light!

ilovemydog · 05/07/2008 18:15

um, describing children as baggage???

tissy · 05/07/2008 18:17

my stepson was best man at our wedding- that's how important he is.

Blu · 05/07/2008 18:19

I am presuming that your boys live with you, and see thier Dad regularly?

I am amazed that if he really loves you, he can't see and feel how important your boys are to you. Ad how he can't understand that even more now that he has dd. This isn't just about his relationship with the boys, but about how he understands and responds to your needs.

And he seems to have issues about feeling that you dd will be 'done down' in some way and not get what the boys get. Sorry - htis is only going to get worse, and the poor boys will feel pushed out and jealous of their little sister.

IMO anyone who gets together with a paren has to understand that the children are there and must come first - they will not be sidelined.

He is now the father of your dd - I would seek counselling together about this. He could get much worse after a wedding. At the very least you need to tal seriously to hi about it, as Sawyer suggests, and let him know that as far as you are concerned he is indeed sealing his relationship with the whole family - not separating you off from your boys.

Do his parents know you have the boys?? Why is he so keen to fulfil his parents chocbox fantasy of a wedding??

dittany · 05/07/2008 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickie · 05/07/2008 18:29

Oh my god, havent read the whole thread but assume they are all along the same line as mine.

Stay clear and glad he showed his true colours prior to the wedding!

What if your kids overhear something like that, can you imagine what that will make them feel! Could you trust him on his own with your 2 DC?

LittleSarah · 05/07/2008 18:29

Wow. I cannot believe this. How gutting for you to hear him refer to your sons like that. If my fiance spoke about my dd like that I would go mental.

My dd will be flower girl at my wedding, and when we have children there is no way I would accept him favouring them.

Something has to be done here, you can't get married with this issue hanging over you.

BetteNoire · 05/07/2008 18:31

How old is your partner?
He sounds very immature.

Hecate · 05/07/2008 18:32

Jesus! Please don't marry this man!

He sees your children as unwanted baggage? That is OUTRAGIOUS!!

Do you have any idea how he is going to treat them? Like shit to start with and worse as time goes on.

No man should be put before your kids. Thank your lucky stars he let his feelings about your precious children slip before you tied yourself to him.

Your kids are not 'baggage'. If he can't take them on and love them, then he is No Damn Good.

allgonebellyup · 05/07/2008 18:34

oh my fucking god...please think about whether you want to spend your life with this man!!!
the whole reason i married my dh (now ex, but never mind) was that he adored my daughter, carried her everywhere with him on our wedding day, she was like his own, they were inseparable.

What a total utter twat, i am so angry on your behalf. He is so worried what people will think about the photos????

Why the hell didnt he consider that you have 2 children before he asked you to marry him???? or throughout your whole relationship?

So i take it he treats his dd a lot differently from your two sons??

stitch · 05/07/2008 18:34

er excuse me. but why are so many posters glad he showed his true colours prior to wedding?
the op already has a child with him. whether she marries him or not, he will always be a part of her life. it would have been better if she had known this before she has a child with him. but now that she has a lovely dd, she must deal with this.
simply not getting married is not the answer

beaniesteve · 05/07/2008 18:38

what Stitch said.

Hathled · 05/07/2008 18:39

When DH and I eventually married, our 2 DSs were there watching, but most importantly DS1 and DD (from my first marriage) were our witnesses - and their names are on our marriage certificate, along with ours, which is exactly how it should be.

I can't obviously see what your future will bring but it will never be a unified front if he feels how he does. And as your boys get older and you go further through the tough teenage years you will really need a unified front and some support from him. I feel so sorry for you - I had my wobbles that DH felt the rght way about my older kids, and I know he will never love them as he does his own kids, but your fiancee's comments are beyond the pale.

tribpot · 05/07/2008 18:39

My mother remarried when I was seven to the love of her life and the best father I will ever have, even though my own dad has always been present in my life and done his - not actually very good but - best.

In a billion years my step-father would never have wanted to exclude her children from the wedding, or his, and we have all grown up as a patchwork family. You are you. You are a mum, if he doesn't want to marry that whole package then he doesn't want to marry you. I suspect his mother's influence to be honest, she wants to be the mother of the bridegroom and wants it all as it is 'supposed' to be (erm, in which case even dd shouldn't actually be there - but you know what I mean).

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