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Original poster

Fiance has really upset me, don't know what to do

146 replies

AcidRainDrops · 05/07/2008 15:48

I am due to get married in 3 months time. I have two boys to a previous relationship (aged 12 and 14) and DD to current partner (aged 2).

Anyway as we're going through the details of the wedding last night Fiance asked if there was any chance my boys could stay at their dad's on the day of the wedding.

I actually thought I'd misheard him at first and asked what he meant. He did his usual "giggle to make my comments seem less offensive" before saying "don't take this the wrong way...but when I imagined my wedding I imagined my parents, my children, my friends...not a load of baggage from the wife's last marriage" he then giggled again and said "that sounds bad but you know what I mean...?"

I was really upset, held back tears just incase he was simply having a laugh and said "don't be stupid, I want my kids there" and he looked away and said "oh, well its up to you I suppose, I just thought it would be nice if it could just be me, you and DD".

I said it would never just me me, him and DD as my two older children would always come first and if he didn't want them, he didn't want me either so he stood up and said "oh don't be so dramatic, I was only saying".

I was really upset by it and all sorts was going through my mind, he acted as if nothing had been said so I was left wondering if I over-reacted and I decided to forget about the comment but then this morning he brought it up again, did his stupid giggle and said "I don't know what my parents will think on the day, I doubt they imagined my wedding day stood there with someone elses kids either" he then looked at me and laughed as if it was a huge joke we should both be sharing.

Am I being too sensitive? please be honest because at the moment, I'm actually wondering if we should be getting married at all.

OP posts:

BetteNoire · 05/07/2008 18:40

Maybe he is getting cold feet about the marriage?

The comment he made about your sons being "a load of baggage" is so appalling, that he must have known you would be devastated, and be contemplating your future together because of his attitude.

Maybe he wants you to be the one to call off the wedding, so his parents don't lay the blame with him?

Hecate · 05/07/2008 18:42

No? I think it is. (Not that I get a say ) Get married knowing he wants her sons out of the way and try to deal with it afterwards? Never in a million years going to work. He needs the HUGE shock and massive wake up call of her saying I cannot marry a man who so clearly wants my sons out of the picture.

He then has a choice. To change and be a family or to not change and be a part of his daughter's life but not a husband and stepfather.

To marry him for the sake of the daughter is saying it's ok for the sons to be pushed out of the way because it benefits the daughter and she matters more.

itati · 05/07/2008 18:45

OMG You are so NOT being over dramatic. Your children are part of you and if he can't see that I wouldn't be marrying him. Sorry.

Surfermum · 05/07/2008 18:46

I agree with Beetroot. Going on holiday on your own without the boys in itself isn't a complete no-no. They do have two lots of opportunities - those with their dad and those with you, whereas your dd has one lot of opportunities, and they had done something she hadn't. And there seems to be a bit of a breakdown in communication about that.

And I can kind of see where he's coming from with giving more to your dd. It's not necessarily a giving less to your ds's but perhaps making up for the fact that she may get less because they may get stuff from their dad as well.

However, it's his attitude in general towards them that seems all wrong to me. Referring to them as baggage is shocking, as is not wanting them at the wedding and it's those two things that would worry me more than the others.

itati · 05/07/2008 18:47

As for what his parents would be thinking about it I take it they are not good step grandparents?

Surfermum · 05/07/2008 18:51

And step-families are a complete minefield. You have to be so careful that the children feel they are equal and treated as such, emotionally as much as anything else. And from what you've said about him I'm not sure he has that insight.

itati · 05/07/2008 18:52

I would rather be a sinlge parent with children by 2 fathers than marry this idiot.

greenelizabeth · 05/07/2008 18:53

This is really sad. He is trying to re-write history. In his head the family is just you and HIS daughter.

Not a very gracious or accepting attitude. He knew you had children.

If he regards your precious sons as some unfortunate consequence of a previous relationship, then to be blunt, that would quickly extinguish any love I felt for him.

I know it's easy to type, but I'm single, and I know I would be repulsed not attracted to anybody who saw my children as mere baggage to be airbrushed out of my life.

Good luck to you and your sons and your daughter. Lose the wanker.... sorry.

Jazminpoppy · 05/07/2008 18:53

please do not marry this man.
I was brought up by a step dad that always put his bological children first. He was in my life from the age of 5 to 15. He was manipulative and he was a bully. I became a very insecure teenager with alot of issues, I blamed myself for him not excepting me (thats what children do) and I even developed an eating disorder.
Fortunately I am now a well rounded, responsible and happy person.
It took alot of years though and I held alot of resentment towards my mother for marrying a man that couldnt accept her children from a previous marriage.
If a man ever descibed my child as baggage he would be packing his!
All the other women on here sum it up really.
I feel for you, what an awfull situation to be in, I hope you put your children first because he never will. Im sorry but its true

Winebeforepearls · 05/07/2008 18:54

what Surfermum said.

I'm so sorry he's put you in this position. Of course your dss should be there, but I would be seriously thinking about calling the whole thing off.

fymandbean · 05/07/2008 19:03

just a thought (and I haven't read the whole thread so apologise if someone has said this before) but are you sure this is him speaking?? My DH comes out with some very odd/bizzare and sometimes downright unacceptable things at times which are basically straight out of his mothers mouth....
My DH is 34 BTW and very much his own man but MIL has some exceedingly bizarre views at times and its how he was brought up with her as the sole parent so no balancing views from a dad for example.

I just stamp on it every time he does it (he usually sees sense as mine is nearly always a 'balanced' view) BUT do bear in mind he may be repeating something that he has been told in all seriousness

Talk to him before you do anything and stress very much how you feel he may be 'giggling' as he knows in his heart it's unreasonable thing to say

HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2008 19:34

have only read the op and I imagine I may be repeating but what he said was outrageous. I would not marry this man in a million years.

Better to be alone than to be married to someone who is trying to 'erase' your beautiful sons.

Sawyer64 · 05/07/2008 19:57

When you discuss it with him, as you must, I would try and make him see what it would be like if it was the other way round,and the DS's were his.

Stepfamilies can cause lots of stress,but if you love and respect each other enough you work through it.

IMHO he may just be "thinking out loud" and not thinking the effect his words will have.
In an ideal world when you "find" love 2nd time around,we'd all like to experience again the "first-time" excitement and "perfectness" of a wedding.

But life isnt like that,IMO he made his decision long ago,that his happiness with you meant accepting you with your "baggage",and he could have walked away before DD was conceived,he chose not to.

I often say to DH I wish I'd met him when I was in my 20's before DC came along,I wish we'd had the "time" to be selfish and just a couple,but as I said Life isnt always like that,maybe we wouldn't have been "right" for each other then,who knows.

Maybe your Fiancé is having last minute doubts about the "responsibility" of taking on 2 DS's,and being a family of 5.This would be normal,but he needs to "grow up" and realise by voicing it this way,he could lose it all.

Life will be different,but thats why you need to plan weekends away when your DS's are with their dad,and without your DD too. We all need "Couple time" especially 2nd time around.

I don't think this relationship is necessarily doomed,just needs some heart to heart talking and understanding.Hopefully you'll find he doesn't mean this the way it sounds but wants you all to his self,nothing wrong with that "short term",but this is RL and he has to recognise that,you are a family with 3 DC's.

milknosugar · 05/07/2008 19:57

if she stays with him, how does she explain to the kids that one of the most important adults in their life doesnt want them in the house? yes her dd wont live with her dad but imo that is far less emotionally damaging than living with someone who regards you as baggage.

this would be a deal breaker for me. one comment could be a misunderstanding, wanting a hol just the three of you isnt a problem (dd shouldnt miss out, i agree) but several comments, including the baggage one and wanting to exclude them from the biggest family occasion ever - that would be the end of the relationship for me

i think you have to choose to get rid of him and accept he and dd will miss out on each other but you can provide a loving home for all your kids or accept that the chances are your sons wont be living with you in the future, either because your husband has thrown them out or because they realise they are unwelcome in their own home and choose to leave

Ivegotaheadache · 05/07/2008 19:58

I've just re read your first post as I knew there was something about the parents that was bugging me...
It was when he (you) said I don't know what my parents will think........

What are his parents (mother) saying about this marriage?
How do they treat your boys btw?

I really might be that they are putting the boot in beacause they are not happy about their son being with someone with children from previous relationship.

Though, if it is his parents, it does speak volumes that he didn't tell that to bugger off.
But I would really question him about his parents, if you don't already know the answer in your heart.

But be careful, if you confront him with the cancelling the wedding, of empty words. You will know (and I think you do know) how he feels about your sons.
Saying sorry, of course I care about them ect, is all very well, but not something you should rely on if it's just being said so that you'll marry him.

clam · 05/07/2008 20:48

The thing is, the words have been said now. And even if he were to apologise and retract them, it actually doesn't change things. The words he has used reflect his real feelings on the matter: baggage, you "insisting" on them coming on holiday, "someone else's kids," "depriving" DD of a holiday. And what happens when your sons reach the teen years where their behaviour might become perhaps a bit more challenging than now? How is he going to deal with that? He might be just tolerating them now, but then?
I'm really sorry, but warning bells are clanging very loudly here.... Yes, he will always be your DD's father, but that doesn't mean you have to marry him and inflict him on your DSs in an official "forever" kind of way.

Jazminpoppy · 05/07/2008 21:03

Has anyone else experienced having a step father that doesnt feel the same about you as his biological children? it makes for a very miserable childhood/teenage years.
Put the children first or believe me they will resent you.
If he does not want them at the wedding, why on earth did he want to marry you?? What a complete selfish pig. Get you and your kids out of this before its two late.

wuzzlefraggle · 05/07/2008 21:24

OH MY GOD!! Absolute PIG!! Sorry AcidRainDrops, but that is disgusting of him

I can't believe someone would even think that, let alone say it!!

In my opinion, if he says he loves YOU then he should accept and love everything that IS YOU, which (most certainly) means your sons.

I think you're very lucky that he has shown his true colours before you married him.

Please let us know how you are and how things are going xx

shreddies · 05/07/2008 21:36

Jazminpoppy, yes. I've experienced it on both sides, a stepmother that put her kids before us (my step brother and half sis had expensive clothes and toys, db and I were scruffy and very aware of it) and a stepdad that didn't want db and us in the picture. We lived with my mum so the stepdad was potentially more damaging - do you know what she did when she sussed what was going on? she LEFT him. She was devastated, but she did the right thing. He was a subtly undermining bastard to us. This is decades ago, but she still feels bad about what happened, and can look at it with clarity and see that he was a total tosser.

Long post I know but just wanted to put a step child's point of view. Thankfully they didn't have a child together, but I really think you need to put your children first. I know it is very sad for everyone.

shreddies · 05/07/2008 21:37

Sorry, the last paragraph was to acidraindrops, that wasn't entirely clear.

squeaver · 05/07/2008 21:55

Bit late into this but it looks to me like there's something funny going on here.

First, the comment about his parents has come from somewhere - it's very odd for a grown man to be so concerned about what they think.

Like others have said, do his parents know about the OP's dcs?

Do his parents think the dcs aren't going to be at the wedding?

Do his parents approve of the OP and her relationship with their son? (maybe because of the aforementioned "baggage"??)

Or is this all about him trying to get out of the wedding and making it look like it's the OP's idea ??

All very weird, whatever's behind it.

clam · 05/07/2008 22:33

Oh Acid, I've re-read your posts and the things he has said. PLEASE DON'T DO THIS. I really feel for your DSs.
I take it they live with you? If so, somehow it makes it even worse.

yoursurroundedbyarmedbastards · 06/07/2008 00:10

My DSD was my bridesmaid at our wedding. Wouldn't have not had her there. You really need to ask yourself if you want this man to be a stepfather to your boys. Will they know how he feels about them. I am shocked he refered to them as baggage. I refer to DH's exes as baggage not DSD.

Can you talk to him and maybe delay the wedding for a while. I would be really sad if a future partner refered to my dds as baggage.

shreksmissus · 06/07/2008 09:17

Message withdrawn

shreksmissus · 06/07/2008 09:18

Message withdrawn

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