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Original poster

Fiance has really upset me, don't know what to do

146 replies

AcidRainDrops · 05/07/2008 15:48

I am due to get married in 3 months time. I have two boys to a previous relationship (aged 12 and 14) and DD to current partner (aged 2).

Anyway as we're going through the details of the wedding last night Fiance asked if there was any chance my boys could stay at their dad's on the day of the wedding.

I actually thought I'd misheard him at first and asked what he meant. He did his usual "giggle to make my comments seem less offensive" before saying "don't take this the wrong way...but when I imagined my wedding I imagined my parents, my children, my friends...not a load of baggage from the wife's last marriage" he then giggled again and said "that sounds bad but you know what I mean...?"

I was really upset, held back tears just incase he was simply having a laugh and said "don't be stupid, I want my kids there" and he looked away and said "oh, well its up to you I suppose, I just thought it would be nice if it could just be me, you and DD".

I said it would never just me me, him and DD as my two older children would always come first and if he didn't want them, he didn't want me either so he stood up and said "oh don't be so dramatic, I was only saying".

I was really upset by it and all sorts was going through my mind, he acted as if nothing had been said so I was left wondering if I over-reacted and I decided to forget about the comment but then this morning he brought it up again, did his stupid giggle and said "I don't know what my parents will think on the day, I doubt they imagined my wedding day stood there with someone elses kids either" he then looked at me and laughed as if it was a huge joke we should both be sharing.

Am I being too sensitive? please be honest because at the moment, I'm actually wondering if we should be getting married at all.

OP posts:
nkf · 06/07/2008 09:29

Awful. Poor you. And that "I was just saying" is passive aggressive.
I don't know what to suggest but I really feel for you.

youknownothingofthecrunch · 06/07/2008 11:48

Oh my God. Am at an utter loss.

When I married my DH (Not the biological father of ds1) he was the first to suggest that ds could be our pageboy. DS had our first dance with us and it was as much his day (being legally linked to dh through our marriage) as our day.

His parents, take ds1 on holiday with them every year and treat him as their own Grandson. And in return he loves them with the same familial bond.

ds2 and ds1 receive the same love from us both, we do not distinguish between "my/your child" and "our child". They are both 100% our children.

To go into a marriage with the views your fiance has is to view the wedding as the beginning of you, him and your daughter, and the beginning of the exclusion of your other 2 dcs.

You cannot marry him. Not now. He needs to understand that this marriage is a bond between all of you.

I suggest some couples/family counselling to make it clear that these views are unacceptable (which they are, completely). That way there will be another person in the room backing you up and he won't be able to pass this off as you being unreasonable or over-emotional.

Surfermum · 06/07/2008 12:18

Dsd is treated exactly the same at Christmas by my family. Even my aunts, cousins and other extended family.

When it comes to our holiday my mum always gives both girls the small change she has been colllecting for their spending money.

As far as everyone is concerned we have 2 children.

clam · 06/07/2008 16:44

Oh dear. THe OP has been away for a while now. I hope that the blanket "he's out of line" response on here hasn't made her run away in denial. Wouldn't blame her, though. What a horrid, horrid dilemma.

wuzzlefraggle · 06/07/2008 20:01

Yeah clam, I hope she is ok

TillyScoutsmum · 06/07/2008 20:13

He sounds utterly ridiculous .... I wouldn't dream of not having dsd at our wedding (as a flower girl, along with our dd). We treat them exactly the same and I can't deny I do feel differently towards my own dd, but I would never allow dsd to see that. She may well end up getting more material things than dd due to "two" families - but she doesn't have her mum and dad together and I can't imagine having more material stuff compensates for that

I wasn't invited to my dad and step mum's wedding when I was young and it still could upset me now if I thought about it too much

There is no way I would marry him unless he accepts your boys are an integral part of the family he is intending to marry into... and as for what his parent's think ?!.... How fucking old is he ?

Creole · 06/07/2008 22:57

Not going to tell you what to do, but he said:

"don't take this the wrong way...but when I imagined my wedding I imagined my parents, my children, my friends...not a load of baggage from the wife's last marriage"

So it seems to me his friends are more important than YOUR kids. This is one bit others haven't commented on....

bruces · 06/07/2008 23:08

If you put him before your children now,he'll always expect things to be this way!He knew you had kids when he met you,so what's changed? will he want you to put them in cupboards when "his parents" pop over? His family do know you have kids?

Alfreda · 06/07/2008 23:14

I would think seriously about going ahead with your marriage until this has been properly sorted out, at least.

Your partner does not know how to be a stepdad, and doesn't want to be. He might be having a Bridezilla moment and he might have a domineering mother who doesn't like you, but the comment about giving his own daughter a tenner when he gave your sons a fiver indicates that this is part of his mentality, too.

You don't seem to communicate about the important stuff until the last minute, like your holiday, assumptions are being made by both of you.

I would seriously consider postponing and talking a lot, or doing some sort of mediation/counselling thingy where you get to find out what he really thinks while there is still time to make up your mind.

I don't think his attitude is at all necessary: my bro has a stepson and two children with his wife. He is Dad to all 3, although stepson has a good relationship with his own Dad, and my kids have three cousins not two, and my Mum has 11 grandchildren not 10....that is the only way it should be. Abd if it were my children referred to as baggage, well, it would take my breath away, so hurtful.

I do hope you do something about this.

Heated · 06/07/2008 23:53

AcidRainDrops, it's a very strange and hurtful thing to say, given he must have been in your and ds' life for over 3 years now . I would definitely want to know where these ideas have come from, especially the comments relating to his parents. It would concern me deeply that in all this time he still thinks of your children as 'baggage' and hasn't come to love them.

Time to morph in outraged, protective lioness and make clear you are not tolerating his attitude or his passive aggressive swipes. It's a case of love you, love your family, and if he can't see how lucky he is be their sf then he just isn't good enough for you or your boys.

Cancel the wedding at least & get some relationship counselling. Maybe he'll learn some important lessons and change. But if he can't or won't, then you have your answer.

TheHedgeWitch · 07/07/2008 00:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Quattrocento · 07/07/2008 00:32

My much loved godson was "taken on" by a step father who has publicly commented in front of him how much he (the step father) regrets taking him on.

The stepfather is a complete loser. I cannot tell you how much my lovely boy has been damaged by being brought up by that waster.

Please think again.

colditz · 07/07/2008 00:39

You can't bring a man into the house who refers to your children as baggage, they'd both be living with their dad within 2 years. Choose. Husband or children. His attitude says you won't get both.

What about a compromise? Get married when your bays have grown up and left home.

thumbwitch · 07/07/2008 01:05

just want to add my agreement that the guy is a total loser and if he doesn't accept your boys as part of his 'new' family then he doesn't deserve to BE a part of said family. What an arse.

AnnVan · 07/07/2008 01:30

Sounds incredibly selfish, notice how it's HIS wedding, wanting HIS parents, HIS friends, HIS children there? Has he forgotten that marriageis about two people bonding, accepting and loving everything about each other. Sound like he also wants you entirely to himself, he resents your children being part of your life. It's up to you what you do, but seriosly consider, will you end up sacriicing having a relationship with your sons to have a relationship with this man? My DPs dad has recently remarried, has been with the lady a few years. None of his four children went to the wedding. DP has not spoken to his father in over 2 years, and he has no idea that his first grandchild is on the way. I've never even met him. All this because he's with a woman who also treats his children terribly, and he doesn't stand up for them. He put his new partner and her children before his own kids. It's sad.

AnnVan · 07/07/2008 01:35

Oh also 'someone else's kids' they're your kids, not the kids of some random stranger

Alexa808 · 07/07/2008 07:45

I'm very sorry to hear this is upsetting you ard. Are your boys living with you? How has your partner been with them so far? How are your partners parents with your ds?

Somehow I have the niggling feeling that this sudden wording and behaviour has been reinforced by your partners parents. You having been a woman and Mum in your own right clashes with their idea of white picked fences and cozy family idyll.

How old is your partner if I may ask?

I can understand it's his instincts talking or the nagging of his parents, but he has to face the music and see that you come as a package. What would happen if you fell ill or died? (Sorry, don't mean to upset you.) Would he just drop the boys and run? What about the boys' growing into men, teenage years, expenses for uni, etc. Sure they have a Dad who should pay for all that but come on, it's realistic to assume he'll front some of the bills. What about inheritance issues, etc. Half of your money belongs to your ds and half to your dd and whatever other kids you might have with your partner.

I think you should postpone the wedding and set up counselling and really speak to him about the future. You need to lay down the law and explain without accusing him. Maybe you guys could have 1 holiday only with your dd and one with all the family? So that the boys also get special time with their Dad. Your partner needs to see that he has a chance of gaining 2 awesome friends and dd will gain 2 loving brothers. He needs to see how much joy and love he will get out of this rather than money he has to put in IFSWIM.

FluffyMummy123 · 07/07/2008 07:51

Message withdrawn

justageek · 07/07/2008 07:57

urgh no way would i marry any man whom said that about my kids. dont do it, you will live to regret it. when he marries you he will then REALLY start causing trouble, guaranteed.

AbbeyA · 07/07/2008 08:10

You are not over-reacting, I should call off the wedding unless you have very seriously discussed it and he puts your DCs above everyone else on the wedding guest list. They are not baggage, they will be his children, his parents grandchildren. His comments were outrageous. My DH is stepfather to my eldest DS but my DS has never been treated differently to my DHs natural DSs. He was pageboy at the wedding, my FIL from first marriage gave me away. PIL from first maariage stayed in our house and looked after DS while we went on honeymoon.
If he is viewing them as baggage at this stage then don't marry him. Children have to come first.

mankymummy · 07/07/2008 08:28

Run for the hills. Fast.

WinkyWinkola · 07/07/2008 09:23

He's not the man you thought he was. Your poor children. I wonder what he's said to them behind your back. They could be feeling very insecure.

Your children are part of you. There is no way you should let him exclude them from your life. He sounds cruel and like the wicked stepmother from all those fairytales.

It would be just the beginning of exclusion for them for all things family. What's he going to do next, refuse to take someone else's kids on holiday with you?

Sorry but he sounds like real scumbag to me. Get rid.

SSSandy2 · 07/07/2008 09:49

Postpone the wedding and tell him why and give him a chance to rethink the whole thing and maybe turn it around together.

I'm sorry, must have been very upsetting for you.

justdidntthink · 07/07/2008 10:42

My parents split up when I was 10 and a short while later my mum started to see someone else. He always treated my sister and I as if we were his own and never, ever, differentiated between us and his biological children. When he moved in with us, and later married, my mum, he asked my sister and I for our agreement to it before he did it. He always referred to us as his daughters, and later, to our children as his grandchildren.He was a wonderful man who made our family so special and happy for the 39 years he was a part of it. Sadly he died last year and we all* love and miss him so much. I was lucky enough to also keep a good relationship with my biological dad right up to when he died. Your children deserve thesame and I am afraid from what you say, they are not going to get it!

Baffy · 07/07/2008 14:00

Only you can make the final decision.

But I agree with those who said he needs to be told, now, that he either accepts you all as a package and treats the boys like his own, or you can't possibly marry him.

Could be the wake up call he needs?

Or he could just tell you what you want to hear?

Sadly, only you can decide if you believe deep down, he is a good enough person to actually go through with the committment and stick to his word.