Advice for dating man suffering from schizophrenia

[Cosmicprancer]

Good morning,

I’m really just looking for some practical advice on dating someone who suffers from schizophrenia. It’s early days and I don’t want to rush things. If anyone can recommend specific groups or resources I’d much appreciate it.
Thank you

He is “living with” schizophrenia, not “suffering from” it. That language is important.

I wouldn’t necessarily refuse to date someone with a mental health condition, but it would be a red flag if someone with the condition wasn’t open to discussing it. To me that would mean they either weren’t serious about me as a partner, or their history isn’t something they want me to know about.

Though we’re forgetting the bit where he lunged silently at her and kissed her, and was ‘excited’. I think the OP’s bar is very low, which is worrying.

I do agree with everyone who says it can be utterly difficult and grim being close to someone with schizophrenia. But what I don't get is all the negativity around simply dating him.
Do you all really think that someone with schizophrenia should be assumed to be a total write-off? That you shouldn't embark on any level of involvement with them? That there would be no day-to-day pleasures in dating them and/or that there would be zero chance that they had characteristics that might turn out to be so positive that it would be worth becoming more deeply involved despite the downsides?

One in a hundred people have schizophrenia. I'm pretty sure that quite a chunk of them do have successful relationships.

It’s very sensitive, but when the time is right, it would be worth asking him if his medication is administered by a fortnightly or 4 weekly depot.

I don’t want to generalise but so many patients with MH illnesses think they’re ok and come off tablet medication, but the good thing about a depot, particularly if he’s got a community treatment order, means him having his medication is water tight.

Don’t???

No discrimination etc before Anyone doesbite my head off.

Do you realise what you’re taking on? This is a very very serious disease that often gets worse and often has relapses. You have any commitment with this man and it will be your burden to bear. If you ever were to share property or home or responsibilities when he becomes unwell or inevitably becomes too ill to work everything will be on you financially and caring. Are you looking at him as a potential father? Do you want your children to have this disease? Or be at risk?

Do the right thing and end it now.

A very much loved family member had schizophrenia. I think you've only been dating this guy for a matter of days @Cosmicprancer and my advice to you would be to proceed with extreme caution if you go ahead and take things very, very slowly. Rather than learning about 'schizophrenia' as a subject you need to know how his illness specifically affects him and crucially his long term compliance with meds. There is a cycle that some people with schizophrenia go through (on them OK, feel better or side effects not good so come off, become very unwell)

Many mental health issues are rightly more discussed and better understood but sadly schizophrenia is not the same as anxiety or depression and pretending that it isn't a big deal does nothing to help anyone. I say that with all possible respect for anyone who has it, it is awful and cruel, but there is an enormous amount of potential fallout for everyone involved with them and I say that from experience.

Yes. I think all these things. It's not the same as depression or anxiety. I would walk away while it was easy to walk away.

There is chemistry between us. He’s gotten at communicating since he told me about the schizophrenia. I think he was just really stressed about telling me about it.

I wouldn't ever consider a long-term future and children with a person who has schizophrenia due to the potential issues that might arise, so no, I wouldn't want to be romantically involved. There wouldn't be any point.

Do you have any data on what percentage of people with schizophrenia have committed, long-term relationships, compared to the general public? (Although even then, who knows how happy their partners are.)

Please be kind. These people are human

I don’t have any personal experience of this but I do now two people who weee diagnosed with it and who have lived relatively well. Of course I haven’t seen the lived day to day experience

I assumed the meds were more successful at treating the condition now?

It's a bad idea, OP. You can find a man you have chemistry with who isn't this much hard work (and doesn't lunge at you and kiss you without warning). You shouldn't need to start a Mumsnet thread to ask advice on how to deal with a man you've only just started dating. That's a red flag.

@Cosmicprancer my advice is end this relationship before it gets serious.

My adult child has had psychosis so bad she was sectioned aged 15. So speaking as someone who has supported a loved one through grandiose behaviour, mania, delusions I would say it destroys you . And if you love them it breaks your heart watching them suffer. I can’t walk away but you can

He’s already told me that he gets it administered via injections which is why I’m not worried about him
being non compliant.

Please don’t. My late uncle god rest him had this. Please rethink this as it’s debilitating and has awful effects on those around them. Some need constant care and do you really want to spend your life like that?

It is a horrible, cruel disease and having it IS suffering. I think you can be this man's friend, but seriously reconsider getting into a relationship with him. You simply don't know where the illness will take him or when - it is well documented that many people with schizophrenia will start to feel good on the meds, then conclude they don't need them, stop taking them, and EVERYTHING unravels. It's heartbreaking to watch, and impossible to stop.

Be his friend.

Don't.

People with schizophrenia often fall into a cycle where they take their meds, start feeling great about themselves, stop taking meds because they think they don't need them, have a psychotic episode, do something dangerous. I know a person who fell into this cycle many times, almost every time ending up in a psychiatric hospital for a few months. When she stopped taking meds she'd write letters to the police asking them to stop bugging her house and spying on her, shower in a towel because she thought there were cameras everywhere, destroy the TV, get on a plane to Germany to escape the government that's spying on her, send disturbing messages to friends and family. All of this while caring for a child who had to move in with his grandparents every time his mum was in hospital, causing him an awful amount of stress and anxiety. She was fine while on medication, but it all went downhill once she started thinking she's feeling so great she doesn't need meds anymore. The most recent one was the most horrific, she brought a knife to a nursery saying she needed to kill a child. She was never aggressive before and the nursery teachers knew her, so they talked her out of it and took the knife away while waiting for the police. She'll be in hospital for a long time.

While I'm absolutely sympathetic to her and the fact that this illness is not her fault, this has caused her parents, ex partner and child so much stress and pain, I would never start a relationship with someone suffering from schizophrenia

What is his relationship history like?

Of course there is. Doesn't mean you have to be romantic partners with them. I was married to a man with severe MH issues. I cannot describe the toll they took. PP aren't saying that people with this illness are terrible. They are saying that it's risky to tie yourself as a partner to someone with such an illness.

Even if he's on the monthly injection, it's still possible for him to start refusing to go to the appointment. And what will you do then, physically drag him there?

He may start to believe that they're injecting him with poison. And that you are in on the conspiracy because you're encouraging him to go. And you won't know that he's thinking that, because he'll hide it from you, because you are now one of Them.

Of course that exact scenario isn't a given. But it is FAR from impossible. Along with dozens of other possible scenarios that will be far too much for you or him to handle.

People can and do stop having their depot injections and can't be forced to unless sectioned/inpatient. Of course, he could stay compliant long term but you need to be aware that he could potentially stop at any time.

If you’re young and willing to have children then don’t as it’s hereditary. Personally i wouldn’t to be honest I have already dealt other things my past marriage linked to an illness ie excessive drinking

Same.

Which is why I would advice caution. And if he isn't on meds, then absolutely do not get involved.

People with schizophrenia often fall into a cycle where they take their meds, start feeling great about themselves, stop taking meds because they think they don't need them, have a psychotic episode, do something dangerous.

Yes, this.

OP I've known a couple of people with schizophrenia - both severely limited by it despite medication. Your guy must have a milder case if he has a job not in a dedicated supportive institution.

You know the book 'I never promised you a rose garden'? It's an account of recovery from schizophrenia. Scary but riveting.

There's such a spectrum of forms and outcomes - if you were dealing with some of the cases I've seen, I'd say run for the hills.

But if the guy is well medicated and 'functioning' (awful term), well, he has a rare amount of insight into the fragility of our everyday existences and the hardship that lies just outside the borders of 'normal' experience.

Is he willing to talk about what losing contact with ordinary reality looked like for him?

It's a lot to take on, be careful. But don't let the abstract definition of his condition put you off.

I’m another one saying don’t get involved. Someone in my family has had various marriages and divorces due to a serious MH illness. It isn’t worth taking on that heartbreak and stress.