DH asked for divorce - feeling really overwhelmed

[WeatherToDo]

I am mid 40s, 3 kids, low paid job (29k) 2k in cc debt and £20k left on mortgage.

I've been with my DH for 19 years. I feel ashamed to say that he has treated me with silent treatment for no rhyme or reason. Id frantically ask him what's the matter, rack my brain out thinking what id done, apologise so that he would break the silence.

I only recently realised that silent treatment was classed as emotional abuse. But having researched more about it and his behaviour, I think he is a covert narcissist. He uses the DARVO exquisitely and has an ability to make me out to he the bad guy making me question myself. It's been one huge head fuck.

Over the past couple of years, I've not been running to him during a silent treatment, I've been living my life as though it didn't matter , even though it breaks me inside.

He behaviour has been getting worse, longer silences, digs at me, glares at me with his eyes, ignores me when I ask him a question etc...

He's started saying I'm disrespectful to him but doesn't give me any examples and scoffs saying you should know, if you can't see it we're in trouble and leaves the conversation to that leaving me confused and trying to back track every interaction trying to figure out when I was disrespectful.

I've become so numb lately, I used to cry during the silences but now I'm just on autopilot. I want to cry but literally can't.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago he through away a bag of my stuff that I'd left out for weeks on the side of the stairs. I was really mad at him for doing that and went to look in the bin outside to see whether it was still there. I tried for awhile and gave up. He then eventually found it and gave it to me.

That was a couple of weeks ago and the next day he's told me he wants a divorce as he cannot handle my disrespect to him anymore. He hasn't spoken to me since until last night where he said he wants to move out next month.

Our eldest is doing his GCSEs this year and I asked him to wait until then but he was how could that be the first thing you say. I need to think about myself. The kids will be fine. He doesn't want to reconcile but said he'll think about it. He made himself the victim and all he could talk about was himself.

I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know how I will cope financially, pay off the debt and cc. I'll have to drop the kids clubs, the things they love, I'm thinking about how will I buy clothes for them, uniform, stuff. I just see their lovely faces and it breaks my heart that their lives will be upturned in the next few weeks.

I could have written your post @WeatherToDo - this is how my ex treated me. I was so relieved when we separated, it was like a weight lifted.

You may find that him threatening to leave is just that though - a threat. It's another way to control you. He's been vague about it and of course Christmas is coming up so that's a perfect time for him to create drama.

Take the initiative and ask him to clarify his plans and timings. I would warn you though that once he realises his threats are not having the desired effect of bringing you back in line and he's lost control over you, he may escalate.

You need specialist support so please get advice from your local domestic abuse charity. They can also help deal with the mental aftermath of being abused in this way.

My ex became physically abusive when he realised he'd lost control of me and there was police involvement. I don't want to scare you, but you need to be prepared. I wasn't as there had never been any hint of it before and it was shocking.

Now I'm a few years down the line, it's the best thing that ever happened. I'm so much better off without him.

So glad you had a good evening.
When my dad divorced my mum, for a few weeks she was an absolute wreck BUT ....after a few months she was loving life. I saw her doing her hair & makeup every morning instead of having to make his lunch for work, iron his shirts ect.
She realised how much mental energy my dad was taking from her & because she felt well mentally she looked after herself better. Seeing her friends more. I just wish she never met my step-dad....
I wish she'd had done it sooner but I think the thought of it was actually scarier than actually doing it. Good luck OP. If you need any help, make another post. MN is full of wonderful, clever, informative women who will give you any advice you need xx

OP, a someone who lived though this kind of shit, please consider yourself lucky he is walking away! He is only doing this as he thinks you are upset (as you are) and you are begging him to stay. Believe me, if you were indifferent and you were the one wanting the relationship to end, this would be an entirely different story. He would never leave.

I would be making sure he thinks you are upset but in the meantime would speed up legal process of divorce and make sure you have evidence of his financial situation, of the debt and mortgage. You are entitled to the half of everything, probably more as you have children. Also, as soon as divorce process is initiated, apply to get child support.

I know it is awful now, and it continue to be for a while, but you will be so, so much happier once you are free. Your children, also! Dont worry about them - they would have been under stress, too due to his behaviour.