DH asked for divorce - feeling really overwhelmed

[WeatherToDo]

I am mid 40s, 3 kids, low paid job (29k) 2k in cc debt and £20k left on mortgage.

I've been with my DH for 19 years. I feel ashamed to say that he has treated me with silent treatment for no rhyme or reason. Id frantically ask him what's the matter, rack my brain out thinking what id done, apologise so that he would break the silence.

I only recently realised that silent treatment was classed as emotional abuse. But having researched more about it and his behaviour, I think he is a covert narcissist. He uses the DARVO exquisitely and has an ability to make me out to he the bad guy making me question myself. It's been one huge head fuck.

Over the past couple of years, I've not been running to him during a silent treatment, I've been living my life as though it didn't matter , even though it breaks me inside.

He behaviour has been getting worse, longer silences, digs at me, glares at me with his eyes, ignores me when I ask him a question etc...

He's started saying I'm disrespectful to him but doesn't give me any examples and scoffs saying you should know, if you can't see it we're in trouble and leaves the conversation to that leaving me confused and trying to back track every interaction trying to figure out when I was disrespectful.

I've become so numb lately, I used to cry during the silences but now I'm just on autopilot. I want to cry but literally can't.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago he through away a bag of my stuff that I'd left out for weeks on the side of the stairs. I was really mad at him for doing that and went to look in the bin outside to see whether it was still there. I tried for awhile and gave up. He then eventually found it and gave it to me.

That was a couple of weeks ago and the next day he's told me he wants a divorce as he cannot handle my disrespect to him anymore. He hasn't spoken to me since until last night where he said he wants to move out next month.

Our eldest is doing his GCSEs this year and I asked him to wait until then but he was how could that be the first thing you say. I need to think about myself. The kids will be fine. He doesn't want to reconcile but said he'll think about it. He made himself the victim and all he could talk about was himself.

I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know how I will cope financially, pay off the debt and cc. I'll have to drop the kids clubs, the things they love, I'm thinking about how will I buy clothes for them, uniform, stuff. I just see their lovely faces and it breaks my heart that their lives will be upturned in the next few weeks.

Ugh, you're reminding me of my awful, disfunctional marriage and husband. Don’t miss him, and our kids are much emotionally stronger than the child he went on to have with OW, then wife. Apoarently he continued the mood of doom behaviour with her.

On the plus side, you can’t be blamed by anyone in your family for leaving since he wants to leave, and your life will be so much lighter without him. You are entitled to financial support from him, and the state should be of some benefit while you have younger children.

Your life will change a lot, most likely your own confidence will grow without his negative influence. You will spot opportunities to earn more once you are stable again. Your children will be entitled to more financial support for college and university than currently. You may be surprised how much nicer life is, after a couple of rough years to readjust. Long term you sound like you will be much, much better off!

Stop calling it "the silent treatment" and refer to it as "sulking", to reflect how unreasonable and childish he's being.

You have been able to adapt to live with a narcissist, no mean feat they are some of the worst of human kind, you will easily be able to adapt to live without him. You are obviously very adaptable, you just don’t recognise that strength in yourself yet.

My ex was another similar to your soon - to -be ex, OP: Moody and selfish. If things weren't going his way he used to threaten divorce so one day I took him up on his kind offer and said 'yes, if that's what you want'.

Of course, that wasn't the end, but the beginning of the end. I agree with PP who say he's just threatening to make you upset. But yes, if you can get him to leave that would be fantastic.

The day he leaves apply for maintenance payments

Don't fight for something that isn't worth having. Take the matter into your own hands and don't wait for him to do things at his pace, probably slowly, so go ahead with your plans for a life without him. Get your info together and get legal advice to divorce.
As for all his 'disrespect' comments, has he been dabbling in the manosphere and thinks women should act in a submissive, subservient way to men?

Yes. I agree. If he is a narcissist he will play games and if you are in control of the first step then you can time the second step so that you don’t risk ending up divorced without a financial agreement.

I’m afraid to say I don’t think he was serious re the divorce. His silent treatment is no longer working so he wants to force you into compliance with the D word. He probably was very shocked when you only asked him to wait for the GCSEs - hence his reaction.
I hope he is serious but I’m pretty sure it is all talk and he won’t actually do anything about it if you want to wait till GCSEs. However I think it would be a mistake. I’d snatch his hand off at the offer, see a solicitor to understand my rights then file straight away before he has a chance to row it back. You and your children will be much better off and you WILL manage financially. The solicitor can help you understand what to expect.

There is such a lovely life out there for you without this unkind man. ❤️

Another one here thinking the threat of divorce is just the latest in a long line of tactics he's used to try to keep you under his thumb.

I know it's too early, but MY GOD I would love to see his face when he realises that he actually has no control over you at all. I am cheering you on from the sidelines, OP, I wish you courage and confidence.

Yep, Do that today @WeatherToDo

Hopefully there will be someone along soon with some other useful website suggestions giving you list of stuff you ought to get on top of Ducks in a row as they call it.
Before you get your free initial session with a solicitor.
dig out as much financial info as you can. Any statements? wage slips? house ownership stuff etc. Childrens's birth certs or passports. (put all your stuff in a safe place he can't access ( maybe with a family member)

Don't discuss this or give out any information, he might try to disrupt.

Then when you've done your research you can consider your options and make an informed decision. @aLittleWhiteHorse s post, was good advice.

A PP have said he is abusing you. Get in touch with Women's Aid or domestic abuse charity in your area. They will support you and usually have contact with local Solicitors who are experts in working with divorces involving abusive partners.

He’s upping the anti isn’t he? His usual vile treatment of you no longer satisfies him, so he is tightening the thumb screws. Personally I’m a petty bitch so I would be using my time to research what state help I might be able to access and asking him about how he wants to organise time with the kids/financial matters. What I wouldn’t be doing is pandering to this bullshit. If you have a good support system now is the time to be honest and lean in any help you can.

Just a quick note to say yes - DO lean on your RL support system, and don't be embarrassed about it. HE'S the one in the wrong.

Also, 'most' solicitors don't actually offer a free half-hour session and even if they did you wouldn't be their client so they couldn't give you any specific advice. Take recommendations from friends or women's shelter, and go with your gut.

I highly doubt he wants a divorce. He's just bringing out the big guns because you've become desensitised to his previous tactics to control you. You've taken away his weapon of silence so he's upped the ante thinking it will bring you in line. That's why he was so offended when your first response was delay for DS sake not beg him to reconsider.
I think you should take him at his word and start preparing for your separation. This may result in him backtracking. You will then need to think seriously about whether you want to stay married to him. It sounds a joyless way to live and this might be the push you need to get away and have a better life.

Why would you want to reconcile with a narcissist? You only have one life, and it's precious - find someone kind.

Let him go! I had one of these and when he finally threw at me 'I want a divorce!' he was stunned when I said, 'You can have one'. Even more stunned when I filed for it. On his knees when I got a fair share of the assets.

30 years down the line I have NEVER - not ONCE - regretted it. The kids and I were so much happier. No more tiptoeing round a twat who was playing stupid fucking mind games and ignoring people. I could walk into a room and feel that I irritated him and that he was hateful and cold. If you asked what was wrong he either snapped 'Nothing!' at you - or like yours rolled his eyes, sighed and told me that 'FFS, if you don't know then there's nothing more to be said'.

I felt like I could breathe for the first time in years when he finally left. And do make sure that it's him that goes. You stay in the house with the kids. Sing like Pollyanna and laugh aloud around him for as long as he stays. If he's arsey or unpleasant then laugh and say, 'Goodness. Well never mind - you'll be gone soon and won't that be better for all of us'. If he mentions the kids tell him airily 'Oh they will be fine. I don't think you are aware of how unpleasant you are to live with. And kids are very resilient.'

Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking you care. Or that you are sad in any way. He's only doing it to be a twat probably, but take him at his word. You'll not look back.

BTW I have a lovely, cheerful loving husband now, who I wouldn't swap for the world. But I'd have been ok on my own, and was for several years.

With 3 kids you should be looking to keep the house and get maintenance for them. check if you'll be entitled to any benefits. Dont just "let him leave" - push him out the door. Your life and the children's will be better without him.

When he starts talking about divorce, go about your day humming a positive tune, and making sure you look gorgeous and go get your nails done and go down the gym.

Show him that when he talks divorce, you shine like a diamond and are happier. That'll really f*ck with his insecure narcissist self.

Let him go. He has abused you for years and now that you are on to him and don't react he doesn't like it because he is no longer the centre of attention. You divorce him for emotional abuse. Do not let him call the shots (because abusers do this) but get a solicitor now and start the ball rolling. Tell him to move out at once, thank you, and goodbye. The DC will be much better off for not having this abuse person so much in their lives (and he will use the DC to manipulate and punish you, so be aware of that).

I doubt he will actually file for divorce becausea) that requires him to actually do some work, and b) because his objective is to cause you more stress, not to lose his free cook/house keeper.

I think this request for a divorce is just to get your attention and give him more scope for abusing you.

I bet that when you get a solicitor who starts taking the necessary steps, he’ll do something like say he has decided to stay after all for a martyrish reason such as for the sake of your DC’s exams or sixth form. That will be fake, it will be all about him in reality.

Please do go ahead with the divorce though, what ever he does or says next.

People like him are absolute poison.

Narcissism as a trait isn't the same thing as the condition NPD though. We all have varying degrees of narcissism and someone or their behaviour can be described as narcissistic without them necessarily having NPD.

You sound like a woman whose self-worth has been continually eroded by an emotionally abusive man. Believe me lovely you deserve far better than this and your life can be infinitely better without him in it. He sounds appalling. Please try to step back from the situation a little so you can see it for what it is.

You are going to get your life back. You’ll be set free! This is good.
get legal advice and support. He will have to contribute.
you will be ok!

Be glad he's going. After a short period of adjustment, your life will be much better without him.

Are you sure he's not just doing this to punish you and get you to grovel, though.