DH asked for divorce - feeling really overwhelmed

[WeatherToDo]

I am mid 40s, 3 kids, low paid job (29k) 2k in cc debt and £20k left on mortgage.

I've been with my DH for 19 years. I feel ashamed to say that he has treated me with silent treatment for no rhyme or reason. Id frantically ask him what's the matter, rack my brain out thinking what id done, apologise so that he would break the silence.

I only recently realised that silent treatment was classed as emotional abuse. But having researched more about it and his behaviour, I think he is a covert narcissist. He uses the DARVO exquisitely and has an ability to make me out to he the bad guy making me question myself. It's been one huge head fuck.

Over the past couple of years, I've not been running to him during a silent treatment, I've been living my life as though it didn't matter , even though it breaks me inside.

He behaviour has been getting worse, longer silences, digs at me, glares at me with his eyes, ignores me when I ask him a question etc...

He's started saying I'm disrespectful to him but doesn't give me any examples and scoffs saying you should know, if you can't see it we're in trouble and leaves the conversation to that leaving me confused and trying to back track every interaction trying to figure out when I was disrespectful.

I've become so numb lately, I used to cry during the silences but now I'm just on autopilot. I want to cry but literally can't.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago he through away a bag of my stuff that I'd left out for weeks on the side of the stairs. I was really mad at him for doing that and went to look in the bin outside to see whether it was still there. I tried for awhile and gave up. He then eventually found it and gave it to me.

That was a couple of weeks ago and the next day he's told me he wants a divorce as he cannot handle my disrespect to him anymore. He hasn't spoken to me since until last night where he said he wants to move out next month.

Our eldest is doing his GCSEs this year and I asked him to wait until then but he was how could that be the first thing you say. I need to think about myself. The kids will be fine. He doesn't want to reconcile but said he'll think about it. He made himself the victim and all he could talk about was himself.

I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know how I will cope financially, pay off the debt and cc. I'll have to drop the kids clubs, the things they love, I'm thinking about how will I buy clothes for them, uniform, stuff. I just see their lovely faces and it breaks my heart that their lives will be upturned in the next few weeks.

Sounds like this is the best idea he had in years! Let him move out. The marriage is dead anyway and he is making your life hell. You can always earn more money but you will never get back the years you spent on this prick so the sooner he buggers off, the better.
Check with a solicitor, book a CAB appointment to discuss whether you may be entitled to any benefits, file for divorce and enjoy your best life.

You will be ok He's making your household and everyone's life in it toxic, let him go, eventually when he's gone you and your DC will find peace and not be trying to please someone who is intent on making your life miserable 💐

he's told me he wants a divorce as he cannot handle my disrespect to him anymore.

Are you sure he means it? Or was that just an idle threat meant to punish you?
If you don't receive divorce papers soon, you should file for divorce instead.

Doe anyone know how long it would normally take for OP to receive something if he filed?

He hasn't spoken to me since until last night where he said he wants to move out next month.
Don't move out until the house is sold. He has no right to force you out. Don't move unless he becomes physically violent.
Get help, try Woman's Aid, the citizens advice, or anywhere else you can find.

Once the papers have been filed (by you or him), tell friends and family you are divorcing and waiting for the house to be sold; don't keep it a secret.

I think asking for a divorce is the kindest and most thoughtful he ever been to you. Be free, you will be much happier.

You need to box clever now, remain civil and gather up all the financial information you can without his knowledge and see a solicitor. Good luck your life will be so much better.

Yeah it’s because his tactics have no effect on you any more!

Go to a solicitor, get yourself a good deal and get out and live your life!

Saved you asking for divorce. Why would you even want to stay with him? Awful for four children yo watch his behaviour as well

Well you are married and have a significant amount of equity in your house so you should be absolutely fine.

I would get yourself some legal advice and look forward to a much happier life without this horrible man.

Be glad he's going and quickly. Will be better for GCSEs in a peaceful house rather than one charged with tention.

Let him go. Your DC will actually benefit from being in a calm environment without the constant snide remarks interspaced with long silences. Don’t do the “pick me” dance that is what he wants so he can continue toying with your emotions and keep control. Let him go and look forward to a more peaceful kinder future where you aren’t constantly doubting yourself and feeling the need to apologise when you haven’t done anything to manage someone else’s emotions.

from a practical point of view everything debt as well as assets go into the financial pot with a starting point of a 50 / 50 split so don’t let him tell you otherwise , and that includes his pensions as well. So you haven’t got £2k of debt and a £20k mortgage it’s shared.

I suspect this is nothing more than a threat. I’d kick him out.

This is absolutely your lucky break. Your kids will be so much better once he’s gone. I’d fight like hell to hold onto the house for all of you.

This.
The debt is not yours alone!!!
x

He doesn’t want a divorce; he wants you back on his leash.

I'd call his bluffing on the divorce, because I have a tingly feeling he has no intention of actually divorcing you. One form of abusive is no longer effective, so he's trying another tactic to destabilise you.
He doesn't care about your feelings, but he's taken aback that you're not worried about yourself?

I will say, however, that you must use this as a way to build your resilience. Start working out how to leave him by the time your daughter has finished those exams.
You can live without him, and leaving will be the best gift you give yourself and your child/ren.

Even if you own part of the house you still qualify for UC on such a low income, so speak to someone from UC for advice. After this apply for CMS, declare he has no overnights so that he can pay the full amount. If he wants any overnights he can pay for a child order and negotiate with you. Once he has left change the lock, block him on everything but your email. And celebrate, you're too brainwashed to see it now but you're about to start enjoying your life again.

You are in an abusive relationship. Your children are growing up in an abusive home. None of this is your fault.

You don’t need to try and find out what upset him as a PP advised. Nothing upset him, it’s about control. Abusers abuse.

Find yourself a shit hot solicitor, get exactly what you’re entitled to, and go and live an amazing life without this dickhead.

The rubbish has took itself out love . It may seem awful now but he's done you the biggest favour

He is abusive and manipulative. You can't change him and he is toxic. Let him go, set boundaries, get legal advice, protect yourself and your children. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you'll get throught it - one day at a time.

Remember, absolutely everything goes through your lawyer, who will make sure you get everything you're entitled to in terms of share of his pension and whatever else. Don't listen if he starts up about just agreeing things between yourselves etc. He seems like the type to start telling you what he's willing to "give you" and so on - he'll try to make out that it's up to him. It isn't.

He's made things very clear - if you don't crawl to him, it's no longer a relationship he wants. Do you? Kids will get older, and stop costing so much money, and even start bringing it in. You'll maybe be able to ramp things up career-wise, now they're not small and dependent. Your debts are really pretty small. Things will improve quite quickly.

Mine did this. After a couple of months' drama, he was showing no signs of actually divorcing me so I filed. This - as expected - provoked some rage at my effrontery, so he filed against me. Naturally, I accepted his petition.

These days, you can file unilaterally without 'cause'. You simply have to state the marriage has irretrievably broken down; one spouse's opinion is enough. The process takes a minimum of six months, OP, so my recommendation is to get on and do it - don't wait for him to manipulate and gaslight you further.

About a week ago I left a job that I had been in for a decade. The job was really stressful, for little pay, the management were abusive and toxic, they completely shattered my confidence and made me think that I was unemployable and I wouldn't be able to manage in a different job. It was like working in a cult and I 100% doubted myself leaving and moving on.

The day after I left I had a little wobble, then I completely forgot about it and got my old self back. I didn't think about the place once and was relieved. All the worries about how will I cope, I won't have any friends now, I won't get another job just evaporated. A few days later I was offered my dream job.

My point is that he has done a number on you making you feel like you can't go it alone and it will be hard, but I bet once he has been removed from your every day life the scales will fall from your eyes and you'll be glad he has gone. You'll find yourself having a disco kitchen when making tea and thinking that you have just been given parole from jail.

You aren't doing what he wants, so he is making threats. If you aren't reacting to "I want a divorce and I am moving out" then he may start and threaten self harm.

I know it is hard as he is a narc but I would respond by saying things like "I'm so sad to hear you want a divorce and want to move out. It'll be so sad when you are not here. But, if that is what you want, I can't stop you. It is what YOU want. Anyway, do you want a cup off tea".

Let him go. You can then claim child maintenance and may be eligible for UC to top up your income. Use the benefits calculator. Any CM is ignored.
You are both contractually liable for the mortgage and it would affect his credit rating if it’s not paid. If necessary you can temporarily get a payment holiday or switch to interest only or extend the term to bring payments down. You can explain the separation and mortgage company likely be sympathetic especially with such a small amount owing.
can you switch the cc debt to zero interest?
When sorting children arrangements don’t get trapped into him only doing nights eg evening to morning but you being responsible for days. Child maintenance is based on overnights so you need to negotiate any time dc are with him he is responsible for them for 24 not 12 hours otherwise your CM will be reduced but you will still be responsible for financial costs for dc during day.
A decent father would contribute to clubs and uniforms and trips - sadly me ex didn’t but many do
It may not feel like it but he’s doing you a favour and you should crack on with divorce yourself. If he’d waited until your dc were 18 you would have been in a weaker financial position as your housing need is based on children under 18.
dc are often more resilient than we are. My DS was in gcse year and they were fine it didn’t affect their education. they may be both sad and relieved as likely they are also affected by the abuse even if you think you’ve protected them from it by taking the brunt. My dc said the house was calmer and more relaxed after their dad left.
Don’t make decisions or negotiate while you are in shock and upset. Any legal process will likely take a year so even if he is going to leave or you ask him to go you can ask for time before you negotiate anything.
You can contact citizens advice or gingerbread charity for info and advice

You changed the pattern and stopped pandering to him and his silent treatment. No doubt that's why he thinks your disrespecting him and he wants a divorce. Obviously you have done absolutely nothing wrong at all. Very much the opposite, because you didn't give him the reaction he wanted and now he wants to leave and probably find another victim.

Please let him go because this is the absolute best outcome and you will be able to move on and give your daughter and yourself a happier life.

Agreed. Let him go. Better to be happy than miserable.