DH asked for divorce - feeling really overwhelmed

[WeatherToDo]

I am mid 40s, 3 kids, low paid job (29k) 2k in cc debt and £20k left on mortgage.

I've been with my DH for 19 years. I feel ashamed to say that he has treated me with silent treatment for no rhyme or reason. Id frantically ask him what's the matter, rack my brain out thinking what id done, apologise so that he would break the silence.

I only recently realised that silent treatment was classed as emotional abuse. But having researched more about it and his behaviour, I think he is a covert narcissist. He uses the DARVO exquisitely and has an ability to make me out to he the bad guy making me question myself. It's been one huge head fuck.

Over the past couple of years, I've not been running to him during a silent treatment, I've been living my life as though it didn't matter , even though it breaks me inside.

He behaviour has been getting worse, longer silences, digs at me, glares at me with his eyes, ignores me when I ask him a question etc...

He's started saying I'm disrespectful to him but doesn't give me any examples and scoffs saying you should know, if you can't see it we're in trouble and leaves the conversation to that leaving me confused and trying to back track every interaction trying to figure out when I was disrespectful.

I've become so numb lately, I used to cry during the silences but now I'm just on autopilot. I want to cry but literally can't.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago he through away a bag of my stuff that I'd left out for weeks on the side of the stairs. I was really mad at him for doing that and went to look in the bin outside to see whether it was still there. I tried for awhile and gave up. He then eventually found it and gave it to me.

That was a couple of weeks ago and the next day he's told me he wants a divorce as he cannot handle my disrespect to him anymore. He hasn't spoken to me since until last night where he said he wants to move out next month.

Our eldest is doing his GCSEs this year and I asked him to wait until then but he was how could that be the first thing you say. I need to think about myself. The kids will be fine. He doesn't want to reconcile but said he'll think about it. He made himself the victim and all he could talk about was himself.

I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know how I will cope financially, pay off the debt and cc. I'll have to drop the kids clubs, the things they love, I'm thinking about how will I buy clothes for them, uniform, stuff. I just see their lovely faces and it breaks my heart that their lives will be upturned in the next few weeks.

This is great news, honestly it really is. your children will soon be living in an abuse free home. The eldest can do his exams in peace and he will have a mum that isn't walking on egg shells. PLease ask him to go now, why does he have to wait until next month.
Get on the govenrment site entitles2 and work out what your Universal credit will be.
Just imagine how wonderful Christmas will be for your children. 🌼

You will be so much happier without him. He is a mood hoover.

I know that GCSE year feels big but please don't feel it has to be put off because then it'll be A Levels and then it'll be something else and before you know it, the years have passed in misery.

I can imagine that he creates a negative atmosphere for your children too. I think they will flourish with a happier mother and a more pleasant home environment.

This man has quenched your joy and ruined your peace.

I understand the financial worries. I know £2k feels and sounds a lot but it's not insurmountable at all. Same with the mortgage. Those are realistic numbers you can work with. You've had some good advice from people who've been through it but I'd love for you to get some direct financial advice local to you.

Thank you so so much to every single one of you. I've read each message and all the supportive comments cheering me on believing that I can and will get though this even though every fibre in my body is saying otherwise has been such a great help. 💜

It's nice to hear from others who have gone through this and come out the other side better whilst still acknowledging that it was initially hard. That really gives me hope.

I don't understand how the incident with the bag was his last straw. I take responsibility that I did not act well but you'd think I scream and rant at him on a daily basis. It's so confusing. It's news to me that I am disrespectful . I asked him several times to give me more examples but he wouldn't. I also asked why didn't he say anything to me that when I do x, that he feels disrespected so that I was aware and work to change my behaviour but his answer was "don't bring this on me".

I felt I was going round in circles and not going anywhere with no proper resolution. It's like he wants to break up over the bag incident which is just mental.

I think the divorce is not an empty threat. As pp have said I think he wants to punish me because I'm not really running to him during the silences. Maybe he thinks that's disrespectful?

He has previously mentioned that I couldn't really live without him as id find being a single parent difficult. Essentially, he was saying that I need him for my survival.

To the person who asked whether he was into the whole manosphere thing, I have no idea but he has previously said that Tate has some decent views and he has been slandered by the media. In our conversation he did say that I disrespect him, as the head of the household, the man of the house - how could I not know that that is unacceptable. So, maybe there is a bit of that Tate influence there.

Writing it all down here, it all sounds terrible, I know deep down I need to leave. I know it will be hard. Really hard. But part of my stupid brain just wants him to take it all back and all this pain to go away. I feel so weak. 😞

I'm on autopilot and just living in denial. I guess it's a survival mechanism. I know I need to get the finances side of things organised. After my initial post I went to meet a friend for a coffee. I didn't feel ready to share it with her but I know I will when I feel a bit more grounded. It was a good distraction and I'm glad I went even though I felt like cancelling.

I'm scared how he will be after the divorce. I don't think no contact is realistic as we have kids. Will he use the kids to get back at me? Will he give them the silent treatment and mess with their heads. How will xmases work? Who will have the car? Will he take furniture, cutlery!. My mind is going every right now.

I was wondering whether there is a divorce checklist out there or something that might help me focus.

He claims you disrespect him? How very dare he!

Find your anger OP and take control. Do not beg. I agree, see a lawyer and start proceedings first.
Don’t tell him til you are ready.

He will be liable for Child Maintenance, you will be entitled to a fair share of the house and marital assets such as pensions.

Hold tight: you can do this.

The kids know, anyway.

There are lots of really knowledgeable people on MN who will give you loads of advice based on their own experience. I will start with just a little:

• say nothing yet about what you might be planning soon
• gather all precious photos, birth certificates and any documentation relating to finances. Get a friend to look after them for you.

You don't have to do anything right now, you can just plan to plan. But this is a marvellous opportunity, don't let it slip away because in a year's time you'd be kicking yourself because you're still with him.

If you think he will be mean and difficult then use this time to secure items that are important to you. Ask family or friends to keep things safe. Firstly make sure you have important documents like dc birth certificates, passports or savings books then sentimental stuff like photos. Then start ‘decluttering’ but actually start quietly removing spare bedding, towels, clothes, kitchen stuff that won’t be missed but would be annoying if you had to start over with nothing if he took it. If it won’t be noticed from joint spending add small value supermarket gift cards to your shopping so you have a buffer. If you don’t have one already open your own bank account and get your salary and child benefit moved there so he can’t clean out the joint account. Make sure he isn’t on any credit card in your name. change any passwords for your finances, email etc and clear your search history regularly.
Theres info on govt website and sites like advicenow and wikivorce.
My ex took the main car for himself and left me and dc with the tiny one.
moneysavingexpert has a useful financial audit you can work through to cut costs

He literally said it: he thinks he's the "head" of you. You're not disrespectful. That's his word for "not obedient and subservient". He's a misogynist.

The attached quote may help.

Yes you can expect him to be difficult and to try to use the kids against you but the oldest one will see through that, maybe the others depending on their age.

He may try and get you back, he'll like having someone he has been able to browbeat. He wont like that you are escaping him.

In response to your last post OP:

• His explanations of disrespect and the bag incident etc dont make sense to you because they DONT make any sense. Their purpose is to disorient you and make you feel you are in the wrong. You can’t get through to him because he already understands it makes no sense but he doesn’t care
• You feel weak because he has done a number on you for so long. Of course you are scared. It will get better eventually but please try to keep on making progress in the meantime
• You are right to be scared im afraid. He will most likely be awful and mess with everyone’s heads and do his very best to be as spiteful and vindictive as possible (sorry). He will use the kids yes. But here is the thing: you can go through this now and come out to a better life the other side now, or wait months and years of appalling behaviour and further beaten down and your children’s childhood impacted and THEN do it. These are your only options. There is no future where he magically reforms. No combination of words you can use will make him see the light. He already knows, he just doesn’t care!

I know this isn't what you'll expect an internet stranger to say but I'll say it anyway!

Absolutely massive congratulations, there will of course be bumps in the road but this will be the absolute making of you. Imagine the alternative wasting the rest of your life tiptoeing around, probably kept away from your Grand kids as your daughter-in-laws won't want them to come near narcissistic Grandad. You can Absolutely do this and your kids will have a much better life having the real version of you.

Use this time to get copies of any paperwork on house about financial stuff etc.

you will be ok. My DH left me in January and I had no idea how I’d manage but you do. He’ll have to pay child maintenance and poss spousal maintenance. (Sorry if covered already, not had chance to read full thread but I just wanted to reassure you).

Disrespecting the head of the household while he sulks and tuts at you? What a clown. You have been putting up with too much for a long time.

Totally agree with Firefly - you're trying to make sense of something that isn't MEANT to make sense.

He's trying to disorient you, to undermine you, to make you doubt yourself and reality. He's doing this by making vague statements about 'respect' without giving any examples because:

1. there aren't any actual examples, it's all just a show of temper to get you to back down
2. he can use the old "well if you don't know I can't tell you" trick, because that covers everything without him having to think.

Be prepared for him to say or do ANYTHING now. He might ramp up the verbal abuse and hold you hostage to his moods, he might seem to back down and be nice for a while, he might try emotional blackmail (you've ruined my life, I'll kms and it will be your fault), all sorts. Just be prepared: it will be an act, whatever it is, and it will be solely aimed at getting you back under the thumb. You've already seen what he's really like - don't fall for it.

Courage, ma brave, you can absolutely do this. Lots of women do escape, and when they look back they wonder how they put up with it for so long.

Buy a memory stick and download all bank statements, utility bills, savings accounts, payslips, investments, mortgage statements over at least the last year.
Narcissists like this hate to not be in control so get ahead of it by finding support in friends and family.

Is he the higher earner @WeatherToDo ? Echoing what others have said abmaking copies of any documents (even photos), especially evidence of his income and pension. I don't think he'll divorce you - he's just upping the abuse because you're ignoring his stonewalling. I hope he leaves. If he does, make sure he doesn't come back.

If he won’t notice the £, also start making a stash of things you need like face cream, your favourite shampoo, or anything that you like/ need for the next year. Same for the DC.

You say you have £2K debt. Make an appointment with the CAB and see if they can help you out. Maybe they can talk to the cc company and ask them to accept a certain amount a month. I used to volunteer there and have seen them do this.

Go through your house and see what you can sell on Vinted. I made 1K selling off my old crap. You could use it to pay some of it off and get that stress off your shoulders.

Oh you will cope- take the equity and rent or part buy if able- file for child maintenance and half his pension - my own personal view is unless you can buy outright and still have£50k in the bank , if you are on a low income then don’t bother - having some cash free can immensely make this time easier - keep the kids able to do bits of stuff they enjoy etc - not struggle for every penny - I’m all for owning but not if it means you have zero to fall back on

There is so much good advice here already- just wishing you all the best. The next bit of time will be tough but it will be so worth it to be free. No one deserves to be treated like this.

Bye 👋👋👋👋👋

Isbt he doing whatever it takes to get a reaction from you? So he will play around with the divorce too

You will be ok OP. You will be better off without him ,you and the kids will get in a lovely new routine together without any of the silent treatment and abuse.

as for finances I think you are in a good place the rest of yours mortgage is less than your annual wage (i think most of us with mortgages would love that…ours is massive). And the debt is also very small. It will all be ok.

Last night, I cried, like proper sobbed and balled my eyes out. I haven't been able to do that in so long, I've been numb.
It felt like the dam had broken and I could finally release all that pent up emotion. It felt good, like a release. I really needed it.

I don't know if it was that but today I actually felt anger towards him which is a first as crazy as it sounds. I flit between anger and sadness and despair but just feeling anger towards gave me the strength to go through the finances.

I worked out how much the bills were, what I needed to live off a month and UC. In the conversation he said he would leave and I could live in the house with the kids. But I don't know if he will change his mind. If we could stay in the house that would be a huge stress lifted and I could pay the mortgage off on my own including the debt.

The cc is on a 0% which ends in May and I've seen a cc where I can transfer for a 0% for 12m which would help.

Having written things down and worked stuff out, it seems doable. I know it will be hard but I feel so much better about it than yesterday.

I'm still in silent treatment zone so haven't spoken to him at all. Id booked us a trip to the theatre this evening awhile back and I went on my own. I'm so glad I did. It was brilliant and so funny. I really needed it. I think I might start doing that more often - solo me dates!

OP I think cutting this dead weight will make you richer than you could ever expect.

What an awful relationship and existence. This is NOT normal, and the fact that you can’t see that is incredibly sad.

Learn to love yourself and model that to your children

Wow ! You sound so much more positive, it's amazing what a good cry can do.

respect - you mention several times in your opening post that he finds you disrespectual. Respect has to be earned. and he doesn't does he.

You also mentioned a divorce check list

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

Prob not quite what you had in mind, but it takes you through every step, you don't have to do anything on that site you can just read it page after page.

100% this….hes a nasty, nasty bastard…x