DH asked for divorce - feeling really overwhelmed

[WeatherToDo]

I am mid 40s, 3 kids, low paid job (29k) 2k in cc debt and £20k left on mortgage.

I've been with my DH for 19 years. I feel ashamed to say that he has treated me with silent treatment for no rhyme or reason. Id frantically ask him what's the matter, rack my brain out thinking what id done, apologise so that he would break the silence.

I only recently realised that silent treatment was classed as emotional abuse. But having researched more about it and his behaviour, I think he is a covert narcissist. He uses the DARVO exquisitely and has an ability to make me out to he the bad guy making me question myself. It's been one huge head fuck.

Over the past couple of years, I've not been running to him during a silent treatment, I've been living my life as though it didn't matter , even though it breaks me inside.

He behaviour has been getting worse, longer silences, digs at me, glares at me with his eyes, ignores me when I ask him a question etc...

He's started saying I'm disrespectful to him but doesn't give me any examples and scoffs saying you should know, if you can't see it we're in trouble and leaves the conversation to that leaving me confused and trying to back track every interaction trying to figure out when I was disrespectful.

I've become so numb lately, I used to cry during the silences but now I'm just on autopilot. I want to cry but literally can't.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago he through away a bag of my stuff that I'd left out for weeks on the side of the stairs. I was really mad at him for doing that and went to look in the bin outside to see whether it was still there. I tried for awhile and gave up. He then eventually found it and gave it to me.

That was a couple of weeks ago and the next day he's told me he wants a divorce as he cannot handle my disrespect to him anymore. He hasn't spoken to me since until last night where he said he wants to move out next month.

Our eldest is doing his GCSEs this year and I asked him to wait until then but he was how could that be the first thing you say. I need to think about myself. The kids will be fine. He doesn't want to reconcile but said he'll think about it. He made himself the victim and all he could talk about was himself.

I feel so overwhelmed. I don't know how I will cope financially, pay off the debt and cc. I'll have to drop the kids clubs, the things they love, I'm thinking about how will I buy clothes for them, uniform, stuff. I just see their lovely faces and it breaks my heart that their lives will be upturned in the next few weeks.

Let him go. He is awful to you. Your daughter will manage. Let her choose where she wants to live and don’t make her go anywhere if she doesn’t want to.

She will prefer being in a happy home than you staying together because you think it’ll be impacting her exams to separate.

You don’t have 2k of debt. You both have 2k of debt. How old are the kids? Start collecting by financial info from him and book an appointment with a solicitor.

Let him go! You should be much happier without someone like that in your life. You will cope. You deserve more.

Agree with pp, let him go. 💐

I'm surprised he's divorcing you and not the other way around, he sounds vile! Set yourself free from this toxic man, you and your kids will cope

Bear in mind all assets go into the joint pot for splitting, including pensions. He sounds like the kind of twat who will say otherwise!

Will he leave the house? Sounds like you are going to have a much more peaceful life without him.

And remember, kids value happy carers over physical stuff. YOUR health and happiness is important.

Let him go. I grew up in a house with a dad who used the silent treatment as a control tactic so I can say with confidence that it WILL be affecting your kids. They will be far happier in a calm household where they are not treading on eggshells around their abusive father. You will flourish and blossom without him dragging you down. I only wish my mum had had the guts to divorce my dad.

Debt if on an individuals credit card is their debt alone so it will depend on where the debt is situated @Pocushocuspocus

Your marriage is obviously over, I think narcissism is overused it’s actually a very rare condition. But he certainly doesn’t like you and treats you badly and has for a long time so divorcing is for the best. Do not get wrapped up too much in the why, get your head set to come out of this as financially well as possible and to limit distress to your children.

Consult the best divorce lawyer in your area, try for a free 30 minutes it also means he cannot use them as a conflict of interest. The starting point is 50/50 split of assets but depending on various permutations it’s open to negotiation. A close friend of mine settled for much less of her husbands very good pension because she needed money to house herself so wanted more of the equity in the house as it was the here and now. Overall it isn’t ideal but she could then afford the mortgage she needed.

This sounds like a positive thing. You should have separate ages ago, if he’s creating such an unhealthy atmosphere in the house.
The DC will benefit from the separation too, even if logistics are tricky at first.
Getting the divorce and finances settled fairly is important. Focus on that for now, rather than the emotional stuff. Think pragmatically about what you will need in order to live a comfortable life going forward, and how to achieve that. You can begin by consulting a lawyer and also by seeing what your benefits situation will be once separated. You may be able to apply already.

You can't see it now OP but you will see in the future that he's done you a massive favour. I agree with other PP, get yourself some legal advice .

This is a huge gift. Don’t wait until next year, act now while he is still game. Worry about the finances later. Get him out while he’s still agreeable!

The silent treatment isnt working any more so this is his latest trick to try to scare you into submission.
Hard as it is, the best thing would be for you to say to him well ok if thats your decision, you should proceed.

ok, so two perspectives:

you may be low paid but the marriage jointly has assets. There is the house, you probably both have pensions. If you wind up divorcing (and if he is determined to you can delay but not stop it) then consider that there are options:

you could jointly sell the house and you move somewhere cheaper. Presumably the kids are settled at secondary/primary so you’d be looking for local. Do some research into the property market on the initial assumption you have half the house value. Remember that once all the kids are moved out (uni or similar) you’ll be able to sell and get a smaller place.

second perspective:

it sounds like he felt you were doing something “wrong” and was using the silent treatment to try to get you to stop it. But you are not a mind reader and didn’t know and got fed up and started living your life. If you do want to try to keep the marriage going it might be worth saying that to him.

at the very least you might find out what it was he’s upset about.

When he asked for a divorce you should gave smiled and said "sure, you get the ball rolling then"
You are going to be ok Op.

You should bite his hand off for the divorce! He sounds appalling.

OP I understand right now you are primarily concerned with finances etc. Make a list of practical steps to take to sort out the finances side, but I promise you in the longer term this divorce will be the best thing for you and your children. You can do this, life is too short to spend living with an abuser.

Your dc need a happy dm more than clubs.
Seems like hes done you a favour

Trash took itself out as they say.

There are a couple of websites that you can put your financial info into to see if you could be entitled to any benefits:

https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

try them both as it is possible you may get different results ?

There are other websites but these 2 get mentioned often on MN.

He has been manipulating and abusing you for years. Get him out of your life and you can stop trying to work out why he is behaving like this. He is not a nice person. Imagine how happy and healthy your life will be without him. Your DC will be aware of the current atmosphere in your home. Financially things might be tougher but everything else will be improved. Perhaps you can get a better-paid job, I bet you are a lot more capable than you think because your self-esteem has been battered by this man. There are lots of threads on MN from women in your position, most of them move quite quickly from despair to relief (and often to joy).

Not seeing the problem here. You have an abusive husband who wants to divorce you. All marital assets and debts will be split so you won't be solely responsible for clearing the debt and assuming there are pensions/savings involved too - you'll probably be in a better financial situation. You'll definitely be in a better emotional situation as will your child.

This. Let him go. This is just a ramping up of his threats because you have stopped taking any notice of his silence and moods. I doubt he will actually file for divorce because a) that requires him to actually do some work, and b) because his objective is to cause you more stress, not to lose his free cook/house keeper.

Make sure you file the divorce papers after your child has done their GCSEs.

What a loathsome man. You will be well rid of him. Wishing you all the best for your much less stressful future. x

Fuck him. Get divorced. It doesnt matter about the debt. That can be sorted through a debt company. In fact any problem can be addressed. Get rid of this monster and get everything you are entitled too. He will destroy your mental health otherwise.

This vile man has done you a favour. Let him go.

FILE FOR DIVORCE FIRST OP!!
Don't trust him to do it, it maybe just another insult to throw at you.
You dont need to be overwhelmed- your lawyer / solicitor will work it all out for you. That's what they do for a living. My NDN was in bits, totally flummoxed on it all. Till she went to see a lawyer and it was all worked out by them. Child supports, the assest, the debt, the house. Many offer a free half hour service and they'll tell you what you're entitled too. UC will also be awarded to you sitting a low income and children at home. Dont be overwhelmed OP, be happy. He sounds fkin HORRID.

Yes, this - it may well be possible to arrange for the CC debt to be cleared as part of the financial settlement, and the house/mortgage will be both a joint asset and a joint liability so that will be sorted out as part of the finances.

If those are your only debts, as a couple, that is a better position than many - £20k is a small mortgage by any standards, and £2k credit card debt is a manageable amount.