I don't feel like I matter to anyone.

[SilentScreamingIntoTheAbyss]

Just that really. I don't feel like I matter to anyone.

I've always struggled a bit with friendships. Always been on the periphery and I'm not really sure why.

There are people I refer to as 'friends' but it would be more accurate to describe them as people I know. There are maybe 3 or 4 people who I know well enough to suggest meeting for lunch or coffee with who will come but won't if I suggest doing anything else. But it ends up being an information exchange of things we have done, how our children are doing, funny anecdotes from life. We always have a nice time, it's always positive but then nothing until and unless I make contact and invite them for coffee. If I suggest doing anything else, they're never free and so the information exchange is all it ever is. And only ever when I suggest it. They don't ever make the first contact and invite me for coffee etc. I've concluded that it's because I just dont really matter to them.

Eg

I have a friend from university. We meet to catch up every summer. This year, I had a lot on in my personal life and didn't get in touch. And so we didn't meet. There was no, "Hey, how are you? I haven't heard from you," message. Nothing.

And that's how it is. A friend of 10 years who I was really close to at one point dwindled down to this and then I left it to see if I'd hear from her first. Nothing. I haven't seen her for 2 years now.

A friend I occasionally meet for coffee but I'm not a priority and she will often cancel. Ive tried suggesting doing things i knownsje likes. I've invited her and her husband to things with my partner and me because I know they like him. But no. So I've left it now. So we no longer meet.

Thats how it is with everyone. I'm not a horrible person I'm not negative, I'm not needy. Whenever I meet up with someone, we have a lovely time. I remember things they've told me, we have common ground, I ask questions of them, I share things of myself. Just what everyone seems to do. I know I'm being negative in this thread but thats not how I usually am.

And so it continues.

I have a partner of 5 years. I have never really opened up to him about how I feel about this. It's embarrassing to have no friends. I feel ashamed. I don't let him know that I only meet these people when I suggest it and have always just said, "Oh I'm going out for lunch with X on Thursday," or "I spoke with Y today. We're going out next Tuesday," etc.

But no one ever thinks, oh, I haven't heard from X for a while. I wonder how she is? Or sees something and thinks of me. I've not fallen out with these people. Not had a cross word. I just don't matter to them. So, unless its me making the contact or the arrangements, they just dont think of me.

So, my partner and I were just chatting this evening and the conversation went this way and I found myself opening up to him. I relayed some objectively bad experiences but just told him how I feel generally and said specifically that I don't feel like I matter to anyone.

He listened to me and said nothing. I paused and hebsaid nothing. So I continued - just getting it off my chest really. And I realised he just had nothing to say. So I stopped talking. He just stood up and started washing up - we were listening to music and talking at the kitchen table. He finished and asked if I wanted a cup of tea. I said I didn't. He asked if I were sure. I said i was. He said he was making one and taking it to bed. I said ok.

And so he did.

I've just been up to get something from the bedroom and he is siting in bed with his cup of tea scrolling through Facebook.

I'm now sitting in the garden silently screaming into the abyss because I really, really don't matter to anyone.

I wish there was something on MN where everyone who felt like this could meet up?!

I feel similar about friendship despite having a partner and kids. I also wish there was a way for people who feel like this to meet up in real life. I suspect we'd get on.

Double posted by accident

I understand. I think if I died today my funeral would be held in a tiny side chapel with plenty of empty seats, and may e a smattering if facebook hugs / sad faces.

Thanks for the replies. I'm so sorry that so many people feel like this.

To elaborate, my children are adults and are (rightly) living their own lives. One is away at university and the other lives in the next town. I speak to them and I see them obviously and it's lovely when I do but this isn't their problem. I wouldn't look to them for support because it's not their role. I split up from their dad when they were younger and was on my own for a long time before I met anyone else.

In that time, I joined hobbies and did things on my own. I met lots of people. Most were acquaintances but some became friends. When we did things as groups, it was fine but slowly people's lives moved on. I'm still on fb with some and so I see that they still meet up and do things together, which is lovely for them. But as things changed, it was always me doing the initiating and I began to feel that they were meeting up with me out of politeness or a sense of doing the right thing or even because they had nothing else on that day so why not? But, like I said, it was never to do something (even when I suggested it), it was just exchanging information on what we had both done since we last saw each other.

And that's how it has always ended up.

It has made me quite wary of meeting other people now and forging new friendships. Or trying to. I'm very wary of being let down again. Or of just meeting new people only to realise I dont matter to them either.

I'm generally quite a positive and upbeat person. I try to be aware of other people. I could understand it if I were always negative or found a black cloud for every silver lining, or had a major character flaw or was jsut a really unpleasant person to be around but I really don't think I am.

Over the years, I've made all sorts of excuses and found all sorts of reasons for it. I have wondered on occasion whether people just assume I have other/closer friends to go and do stuff with. Or whether they just have friends that they are closer to. And I'm just their coffee friend.

When I was a teenager, I just decided I hadn't met 'my people' yet and that university would create more opportunities. It did. Sort of. I had friends, i invited people over, I organised gigs etc. But only one friendship lasted. we lost touch for a while for understandable reasons on both sides but have met up once a year for the last 10 years. But it's only ever been me who makes contact first, only ever me who makes the suggestion or extends the invitation. And this year I didn't so we didn't meet.

My parents were both only children and I lost them in my 30s. I came from a difficult family with a lot of dysfunction and bitterness. So I have a sibling but as much as we've both tried in our own ways, we've struggled to build and sustain a relationship as adults. But, even then, it was me issuing the invitations, making suggestions to get together but it rarely happened. We haven't spoken for around a year now. My sibling still carries a lot of anger and bitterness from our upbringing and we spent a lot of time talking and processing when we first lost our parents but I don't want to do that forever and now there is something of a sense that I'm betraying our younger selves by finding the positives and joy in life rather than focusing on how bad it was and how our current lives could have been so much better. For clarity, our childhoods and teenage years and beyond were awful but my sibling has more than moved past it - the famed MN 6 figure salary, large 5 bed detached house, married, children etc.

Someone suggested to me once that it's because I'm a bit of an island and quite independent and quietly resilient. I am but because I had to be. They told me that sometimes people need to feel needed by you to feel that they matter to you. I have no idea really if that's true! But the darker moments in my life are so dark, I wouldn't share them with anyone anyway.

I don't want people I can moan to or to soothe wounds or heal with. I want people I can have fun with and laugh with.

As for my partner, he's incredibly supportive in every way except emotionally. He's recently received an inheritance and offered to pay for me to do another Masters (something I've expressed an interest in and he knows I'd love to do). He more than pulls his weight at home and he recently surprised me with tickets to see a band I really like etc. But I feel like those are all functions of who he is. He's the sort of person who does those things. Rather than me.

Because he will also choose to spend his free scrolling or playing games on his phone rather than spend any time actually with me. He disagrees because he'll watch a film with me or will suggest going out to a National Trust place or whatever but he'll do pretty much anything other than spend time with me on an intellectual or emotional level or just me without any other purpose. If that makes sense? But even that's becoming less and he'll choose to spend his evening on his phone. I'm the one who will suggest going out or watching something. It's still me making the effort. If I say nothing, neither will he and the phone will stay on.

Just to give an example. He's been saying for a couple of years that he'd really like an allotment. He's talked about it a lot in general terms. So, last week, I applied for one. I know that there are a few locally with vacancies but its slow moving even then! But it was me who applied for it, me who has made further enquiries, me who has started getting excited about it and researching and thinking about it. This is something he really wants and yet there's just no passion or excitement there for it.

I am just really lonely. I miss conversations and exploring ideas. I've tried but he isn't really interested. He just tends to agree with whatever I say because he doesn't think about things enough to form his own ideas on anything. I miss laughing and chatting shit and just feeling comfortable. I feel like I'm perpetually stifled. Hence the silent screaming into the abyss.

Has he ever supported you through anything difficult?

That's also a really good question.

I had a really tough time at work until recently. He supported me in the sense that he let me talk, agreed that what was happening was wrong, didn't try to find solutions and told me i could just leave and it would be ok.

He doesn't put any pressue on me but it's started to feel less like support and more like empty space and a lack of interest and curiosity.

I don't know if that's him or me though.

I understand op. I do have friends i can go for a coffee with, and did in fact yesterday , but in the evening i just cried my eyes out and realised there was absolutely nobody I could call or text to say how I was feeling. It also struck me that my friends tend to talk non-stop about themselves or issues they are interested in and never actually ask how I am.

Are you very empathetic?I'm just wondering because I tend to be very sensitive and show a lot of empathy , and I think I attract people who want to offload or feel they can be themselves but haven't actually got anything to give me.

It might also be a pattern from childhood because for me , I tried to keep everyone happy and avoid conflict.

It just might be that you're very unlucky and haven't met very good friends yet.I do think there is a trend towards people being very self absorbed and superficial , and not able to really connect in a deeper way.

I understand the loneliness because it's how I feel a lot of the time.I don't mind my own company and actually quite like it but I wish there was at least one person who I could tell how I was feeling sometimes.

You're definitely not alone. And your partner sounds emotionally stunted. I have a male friend who is like this and one time.I said to him that I wanted to meet some new friends on a particular course and he just said absolutely nothing , because to his mind there was nothing to say. The act of talking to show support was alien to him.

i think many will identify with what you are feeling about friendships,i used to feel the same but ive come to terms with it now.
Looking back most of my friendships have been of proximity and necessity (although i didn't realise it at the time,i thought those friends cared and were connected to me and i them) You seem to need a deeper level of friendship and your friends seem to be more casual.I dont have any advice other than any way you can widen your circle and you may find people you connect more deeplywith. I have 2 deeper friendships that sustain me . Sometimes life changes change how committed people are to friendships, when my husband died many friendships i thought were deep i discovered weren't or when physical distance altered so did the friendship. i now separate optional casual connections and deep meaningful friendships (im lucky to have found 2 in my life) As for your partners response,i can see why it has upset you ,if hes generally a caring man ,id ask him tomorrow: What did you think about what i confided in you about my friendship issues?
Good Luck.

allthingsinmoderation

Theres no.point on asking him. I know it sounds defeatist but I also know his answer will just be "I don't know."

I've just decided im not going to mention it again.

I could cope with casual friendships if they didn't feel one-sided. When I'm the only person suggesting a meet up/makijg contact and, if I don't, the whole thing just dwindles to nothing, it doesn't feel like any sort of friendship at all, tbh.

I understand what you are describing regarding the "one sided" feeling and the fatigue of that and that it feels futile. it doesnt feel like "friendship" probably because it isnt in the sense you mean.
It tough when you feel your partner is as uninterested in your feelings and as non committal as your so called flaky friends.
It must feel demoralising !
You really do sound demoralised ,do you have anyone who is supportive of you IRL?

You really do sound demoralised ,do you have anyone who is supportive of you IRL?

I am. Tbh no not really. Obviously people are superficially supportive and say the right things if you share positive news but no one i could call on if I really needed someone and no one who would be the first person I'd call with good news or in an emergency.

My partner has just got in from work. He offered me a cup of tea and is now sitting in silence on his phone.

Hi OP. You are not alone in feeling like this. I feel the same. I’m single and generally that doesn’t bother me but I recently had surgery - my family aren’t here and the one friend I do have was not interested. It’s crappy! Also, if I don’t reach out to people, I don’t hear back either. I know this all sounds ‘woe is me’, but the short story is, you are not alone in feeling like this.

Having read your update I'm not sure what the point is of a partner of this calibre

I have noticed even more so since lockdown that a lot of people - not everyone - but a lot, are becoming more insular. Everyone is overloaded with information from dawn until dusk and we are partly to blame - like DH scrolling on Facebook when his wife needs some support.
I am close to 60 and it seems to be getting more pointed and I have some physical issues which make certain things difficult which perhaps people used to consider more but now I don’t think they can be that bothered. It’s that much of a battle to find a time when people can meet that me not being able to attend just doesn’t register.
A lot of my friends are caring for parents as well so that dominates so much and I get it as I have done it.
I am really, really lonely. Really lonely. And I’m sorry you feel like screaming if only we could have an online Screen Scream where we could do that for a minute and all chime in and have a chat.

If you're looking to solve this then I think you actually already know the answer - someone already told you you're an island and that, IME, is the main reason friendships don't work.

Your partner asked you repeatedly what was wrong and you wouldn't tell him. He may lack emotional awareness and that is his issue, but it is pointless to complain that someone isn't giving you what you need when you flat refuse to tell them what it is you need.

Friendships and good relationships grow from openness and vulnerability. If you struggle with those things you will struggle with relationships.

Perhaps your friends see you as more of an acquaintance/casual. When people have family or a lot going on friendships can take something of a back seat. I sometimes worry about people becoming needy if I get too close. And modern life can make you feel like you have a lot going on even when you don't.

You have to push this a bit IMO. My DH can be v similar to yours (not chatty when Ive brought something up). And Ive not pushed it and it stays a resented unspoken thing. Ive pushed myself to break this dynamic recently. So in your situation Id do something like going up to DH now and saying' when I told you about my friends, and how it makes me feel yesterday, it was a big deal for me to share that with you. I feel really disappointed sad and alone because you had nothing to say in response. Why did you not say anything and walk away? Do i need to be more obvious in asking for help, or a response? Because thats what I really need.' And see where that goes. Id possibly offer up ' if you dont feel you can respond right now id like you to think about it and tell me when you've had a chance.' So he can't say you are putting him on the spot. I do think us self reliant people sometimes need to make really really clear when we want more. So when he said last night ' are you ok' you could have forced yourself to say 'no, actually im not because I just shared something really difficult with you and you have said nothing. I need more than that.'

"I don't feel like I matter to anyone."

The first step to recovery is to understand that this simply isn't true, you almost certainly do matter to someone. You just need to find yourself again because it sounds like you're a bit lost. Big hugs 🤗

He should be that person to you. Has he ever talked about any of his worries to you? I think you need to have a discussion with him about his lack of support towards what is an upsetting situation for you. He should want to actively listen to you even if he can’t do anything to practically help. I also want to say you sound like a really lovely person and it’s their loss not yours.

Has your partner always been like this or has he changed recently?

Do you think he might be depressed? It sounds like it from him being so blank. An allotment might be just the thing for both of you, he may get carried away by your enthusiasm. DH is a terrible procrastinator and gets overwhelmed with the idea of starting new projects sometimes but if I make a start he will often then start to get involved.

A masters or any course of study sounds great too as you will be with people you will see regularly over a period of time and presumably share the same passion for the subject.

You sound like you both have very little meaning in your life or very little to look forward to when actually there are quite a few exciting things possibly round the corner.

I'd advise keeping busy, physically and mentally, do a lot of different social things where you get a chance to meet a variety of people and don't get hung up too much about the quality of friendships or who organises what.

What a prick he is. It’s all him and not you!

OP, I absolutely hear you. You're not alone in feeling like this, there have been similar threads on MN, eg:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5584951-am-i-unrealistic-about-wanting-more-balanced-and-reciprocal-friendships

I completely get all the hallmarks of what seems to me like a crisis. What of, I'm not sure. Friendship? Communication? Anxiety? Someone said community, and I think that's certainly part of it. The ease with which we can communicate over text & social media means that, paradoxically, we don't always lose touch with people when they move away/leave the workplace/enter a new life phase. Back in the day, that was that. There was the telephone (expensive back then for extended trunk calls!) and there were letters - which, if we could be bothered to write them, were often quite superficial and, of course, one-way.

So what typically happens now is that our link continues as a rather weak one. This imho was the miscalculation (or calculation) of the likes of Mark Zuckerberg and the other SM pioneers: being able to connect on Facebook or Twitter or whatever, even in the early days before algorithms took over and began firing stuff at us, didn't make for wonderful, solid relationships, it made for weak ones, in which showing off and collecting as many "friends" as possible were the dominant traits. Very soon, users began to curate (awful word) the presentation of their own lives, as much to fool themselves as others. Look, I must be a great person living the dream, I've got hundreds of followers and in all my photos I'm smiling my face off.

Add to that the genuine loss of community based around local workplaces, shops, pubs, clubs and you've got some sort of recipe for something approximating to what you - and I - are complaining of. Shallowness where we want depth.

I'd say you're an intellectual, OP, and you're bored to bits. I'll be honest here: when you say that all that happens when you meet your friends is an exchange of news, a catch-up, that makes me feel two things. One, I wouldn't say no to a few more mere catch-ups with MY friends who don't reply to messages/invites for months & in one case years. Two, you need & deserve more! (And so do I.) And maybe it's not a skiing holiday or a concert/play/film, or a hike, enjoyable though those things could be. Maybe you need to be collaborating on a book or a podcast? Maybe you need to be setting up a business? Launching yourself into something new, or as a partnership with someone who lights up your mind with more than just "Oh, Gary came round last week, he's still drinking too much."

Sorry you're so low, OP. Until I reached the partner bit, it could have been me you were describing, almost word for word. The difference is that I have a supportive husband and so my friend situation doesn't bother me. I don't know nearly enough about your partner to say anything useful. It sounds like two very separate problems, but unfortunately having one makes the other more significant. They're not linked in any way, though, so don't feel it shows something wrong with you. Your partner is behaving strangely and you have to ask him why. He might just be not very good at that kind of conversation, and it doesn't mean he doesn't care. No excuse. You're entitled to support and understanding from him. You absolutely should matter to him and you have to try to make him understand how he's making you feel. As regards your friends, I know what you mean. I'm constantly made to feel I don't matter to them, in all the circumstances you've described and a few more besides. I just made a conscious decision not to let it bother me. I don't understand why it should be like that. I know there's nothing wrong with me and I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you. My advice is to stop fretting about it and concentrate on getting the understanding you need and deserve from your partner if possible. As regards your friends, I just mean stop letting it bother you. I don't mean stop trying. You never know when a different sort of friend might come along. Good luck.

I told him exactly what was wrong and he said nothing.

Then he asked if i was ok which I didn't answer because the expected answer was yes because that would have made it feel ok for to that he said nothing. The truth was no but then he already knew that because I'd just told him I wasn't ok.

So I don't know where you got that he repeatedly asked me what the matter was and I refused to tell him because that is the exact opposite of what I described happening.

So when he said last night ' are you ok' you could have forced yourself to say 'no, actually im not because I just shared something really difficult with you and you have said nothing. I need more than that.'

I agree with this and I probably could have done in theory. I suppose I didn't because I already felt really vulnerable and the fact his response was to say he was taking a cup of tea up to bed (so he could scroll through Facebook) felt like the response he was prepared to give me.