I don't feel like I matter to anyone.

[SilentScreamingIntoTheAbyss]

Just that really. I don't feel like I matter to anyone.

I've always struggled a bit with friendships. Always been on the periphery and I'm not really sure why.

There are people I refer to as 'friends' but it would be more accurate to describe them as people I know. There are maybe 3 or 4 people who I know well enough to suggest meeting for lunch or coffee with who will come but won't if I suggest doing anything else. But it ends up being an information exchange of things we have done, how our children are doing, funny anecdotes from life. We always have a nice time, it's always positive but then nothing until and unless I make contact and invite them for coffee. If I suggest doing anything else, they're never free and so the information exchange is all it ever is. And only ever when I suggest it. They don't ever make the first contact and invite me for coffee etc. I've concluded that it's because I just dont really matter to them.

Eg

I have a friend from university. We meet to catch up every summer. This year, I had a lot on in my personal life and didn't get in touch. And so we didn't meet. There was no, "Hey, how are you? I haven't heard from you," message. Nothing.

And that's how it is. A friend of 10 years who I was really close to at one point dwindled down to this and then I left it to see if I'd hear from her first. Nothing. I haven't seen her for 2 years now.

A friend I occasionally meet for coffee but I'm not a priority and she will often cancel. Ive tried suggesting doing things i knownsje likes. I've invited her and her husband to things with my partner and me because I know they like him. But no. So I've left it now. So we no longer meet.

Thats how it is with everyone. I'm not a horrible person I'm not negative, I'm not needy. Whenever I meet up with someone, we have a lovely time. I remember things they've told me, we have common ground, I ask questions of them, I share things of myself. Just what everyone seems to do. I know I'm being negative in this thread but thats not how I usually am.

And so it continues.

I have a partner of 5 years. I have never really opened up to him about how I feel about this. It's embarrassing to have no friends. I feel ashamed. I don't let him know that I only meet these people when I suggest it and have always just said, "Oh I'm going out for lunch with X on Thursday," or "I spoke with Y today. We're going out next Tuesday," etc.

But no one ever thinks, oh, I haven't heard from X for a while. I wonder how she is? Or sees something and thinks of me. I've not fallen out with these people. Not had a cross word. I just don't matter to them. So, unless its me making the contact or the arrangements, they just dont think of me.

So, my partner and I were just chatting this evening and the conversation went this way and I found myself opening up to him. I relayed some objectively bad experiences but just told him how I feel generally and said specifically that I don't feel like I matter to anyone.

He listened to me and said nothing. I paused and hebsaid nothing. So I continued - just getting it off my chest really. And I realised he just had nothing to say. So I stopped talking. He just stood up and started washing up - we were listening to music and talking at the kitchen table. He finished and asked if I wanted a cup of tea. I said I didn't. He asked if I were sure. I said i was. He said he was making one and taking it to bed. I said ok.

And so he did.

I've just been up to get something from the bedroom and he is siting in bed with his cup of tea scrolling through Facebook.

I'm now sitting in the garden silently screaming into the abyss because I really, really don't matter to anyone.

Thats a fair point and I understand what you're saying.

But I felt very exposed and very vulnerable in the moment.

Asking are you ok? When I'd spent an hour telling him I wasn't sounded like a bit of a tone deaf and irrelevant question. I suppose I didn't really know what I wanted from him because I hadn't planned to open up to him. And anything I could have said to him along the lines of not being alright and telling him what I needed from him would have been an implicit criticism of his response.

In the moment, I felt angry at him and let down by him, ashamed of the way i felt, very vulnerable having expressed my innermost thoughts and deepest fear.

I can also see that he wasn't expecting it either and might not have had a perfectly formulated response to hand.

But saying nothing and telling me he was making a cup of tea and taking it to bed leaving me in the kitchen signalled a really clear 'this is over now' message to me.

So I didn't really consider following him up to bed to berate him for not doing well enough to be an appropriate response from me.

So thats why I didn't.

That makes sense. It sounds like you were both struggling and unsure what to do. Lots of people struggle with emotional situations, but they can learn. My DH is a wonderful person but horrendous with words, so I used to just tell him what he needed to say and now he says it. I know that seems weird but it worked - he genuinely didn't know and I had to show him. The key thing is he was totally willing to do it.

It's interesting that you frame talking to him about this as criticism and berating. You could equally have talked calmly to him (maybe after a bit of time to cool down) and explained clearly to him - as you've done here - what was happening. Then he at least has the opportunity to understand and change. If he doesn't want to, or can't, then you can make a decision as to whether you're happy with how he is and can accept that you won't get the depth of support you need from him.

I should say that I was also neglected and I was also an island. I attracted selfish people, because they saw I didn't need anything. It was only when I was open about needing things that the selfish people fucked off and I attracted caring people who wanted to know me and support me. It is so hard to take that step though and you have to be aware that some people will reject you, ignore you etc. It takes time to find the good ones, but they are there.

I would tend to go along with this.
I would say the time when I felt the most lonely and unnoticed was when I was married to my first husband.
He was a shift worker and for 5 years I hardly saw him so I suggested he come off shifts. He did. But then he took up some all-consuming hobbies, so he just wasn't around, again.
Eventually I told him I was fed up with being ignored and neglected and he needed to step up to the plate.
His response was to have an affair.
When I asked him why he cheated he said "he didn't get enough affection" - I nearly exploded !
I realised after we got divorced that he was Emotionally Unavailable and I could never change that.
I learned that it's no use putting your bucket down a dry well then getting mad when it comes up empty.🙄
Or as my second (Yorkshire) husband says "don't expect owt where there's nowt."

Your partner sounds like he's had a lobotomy. That's such a weird reaction to what you said. I would have to raise it with him, before I could move forward.

That aside, I don't think real friends exist, tbh. Let me tell you about my experiences :

I told my 3 "best" friends (of 17 years) that I was leaving my H. He had been cheating, and they knew this. Not one of them ever checked in on me, or asked if I was ok. Not one phone call.

At that time, my very best "friend" stopped speaking to me. I had no idea why, until I found out that they were shagging. They both denied it, but I looked at his phone and found all the conversations they'd had about the sex they were having!

Another "friend" (not as close), had a huge alcohol problem, and was living apart from her DH, in a trial separation. She had their young daughter at her house, and got paraletic drunk. Her Ex (sober) tried to get the child, and I asked her to just let her DD stay with the Ex that night, so she accused me of having an affair with him! Never spoke after that.

Another "friend", when we were both single, were out at a pub and a man she fancied started talking to me. On the way home she attacked me.

My 3 SIL's, to whom I was very close for 20 years, after learning that their brother cheated on me, said that he was just "having a bit of fun, whereas I was breaking up a family" ergo, the marriage breakdown was my fault, so they never spoke to me again. Same with MIL.

Long story short, I don't trust anyone these days apart from DH (my 2nd H), and my adult children. I do maintain surface level friendships with a few women, but never again will I believe that friends give a proper shit about you, because in my experience they never do.

It's not you Op, it really isn't. I am a good and kind person, and no friends give a shit about me either. That's humanity in a nutshell, in my honest opinion and experience.

I learned that it's no use putting your bucket down a dry well then getting mad when it comes up empty

I am going to steal this.

Enjoy !

Some of those experiences are really shitty. I can understand that they would make anyone feel a bit jaundiced. 🙁

I am sorry, I have had periods in my life when I have felt like this.
I am not generally someone who advises therapy. I think as a society we have become far too self obsessed and just need to be a bit more stoic and get on with it.
However in you it may help. Not a long course but say 6 sessions where you can explore your feelings in safety with another.
i keep a lot of my deepest thoughts to myself, my husband sees me as someone who gets on with life and on the occasions that I have really opened up he has found it difficult initially to know what to say or do. He needs time to process, men often believe that they have to do something to put it right when all you want is a loving ear and they just feel helpless to say the right thing so end up saying and doing nothing. He obviously listened to you, he is probably processing it trying to think of the right thing to say or do.

there is nothing wrong with you, a lot of this is just life. It is easy to see yourself as the problem when the real reason is that people have a lot of demands on their time and their own issues that you will not be aware of.

I think also, that so many people move around these days, and even with the best of intentions that fractures proper friendships. I left my hometown at 20, and moved about 100 miles South. Then I moved 150 miles North with work. Then I moved 300 miles further North, and then a further 20 miles North. As a result my "friends" are not geographically close to me, and neither are my family. We used to live fairly close to DH's Dad, but he has recently moved an hour away, to be with his partner. My adult kids have moved out - one is 40 minutes away, but the other is in Australia! So what are you left with? Trying to maintain relationships by text, whatsapp and FB. It's not really the same is being with someone. A few hundred years ago, you would have stayed in the village you were born in, and made lifelong friendships, and been close to all your family.

This is so true !
If you walk around country churchyards you'll see that many of the 'residents' have the same surname.
In Lincolnshire (where I lived for some time) certain villages had a surname common to that village and nowhere else.

It's interesting that you frame talking to him about this as criticism and berating. You could equally have talked calmly to him (maybe after a bit of time to cool down) and explained clearly to him - as you've done here - what was happening.

Again, a fair point. And interesting.

I'm not outwardly angry even when I feel it. I'm not reactive and tend to take time to reflect and respond meaningfully, so that's also part of it. I feel uncomfortable addressing things at the time partly because I like to take the time to work out what my actual issue is so that it can be addressed properly. So I wouldn't have berated him or been critical if I had said something.

But... i would have felt like I was berating and being critical, which probably does warrant closer inspection/introspection. I'd have felt the need to make sure he was comfortable with what I was saying and that I didn't upset him. And I didn't have the capacity for that at the time. Even something as simple as telling him how I felt at his response would have felt overly critical to me.

I should say that I was also neglected and I was also an island. I attracted selfish people, because they saw I didn't need anything. It was only when I was open about needing things that the selfish people fucked off and I attracted caring people who wanted to know me and support me. It is so hard to take that step though and you have to be aware that some people will reject you, ignore you etc. It takes time to find the good ones, but they are there.

Thank you for this. Yes, it does feel like a big step!

I think that I've always tried so hard not to be an imposition on other people that maybe it makes other people feel like they don't matter to me.

Interesting.

Thats a valid point but this has been an issue throughout my childhood and teenage years. I've always struggled with friendships.

It would he more understandable of I had friends dotted around the courtyard who I just wasn't able to see often but that isnt the case.

One thing struck me, OP. You've been testing everyone to see if you matter and then concluded they don't care.

Twice with friends you have stopped contacting them and they haven't reached out, but so what? This is a silly test. Often one person is either more outgoing or it's just been the norm for them to get in touch, Lean into that role, just text your friend you didn't see this summer and say 'hey, so sorry we didn't see each other this year, really missed it, are you around for a chat next week on the phone?. Same with the other friend. Sometimes I reach out, sometimes they reach out, sometimes neither of us does for a year and then we panic and quickly whatsapp a bit and find a solution.

If you want to have no friends, carry on like this, but my experience is that if you make the effort to keep friends, sometimes when everyone is less busy or you move nearer to them, you can very easily pick up where you left off.

Your partner didn't know that this was a significant issue you were raising all of a sudden but he sounds either clueless or a bit uncaring, I don't know which, but I'd go out to dinner and raise this with him. Is he a quiet person, not too chatty, not into emotional chats? I'd be honest with him and say I feel pretty disappointed; I was hoping you'd say I mattered to you, at the very least.

Just some thoughts.

Agreed. The OP has repeatedly chosen friendships and relationships with people who don’t see her, and there will be a reason for that.

The feeling of not wanting to be an imposition and needing to keep everyone else happy is very common for neglected people. Were you made to feel responsible for your parents' feelings? I certainly was and it's taken me a long time to realise that other people feel the way they feel and I'm not in control of how everyone responds to everything.

As for not being an imposition - really caring people want you to be an imposition. It's how people get close to one another. I had major surgery recently and it was a real surprise to me how my friends were falling over themselves to offer help and support - I can still be quite closed off so they saw it as an opportunity to be the friends they wanted to be (which I don't make easy for them at times).

What's definitely true is that the energy you put out into the world shapes the response you get - if you project self-sufficiency, you will often attract people who either want to help you and feel that they can't, or, more likely IME, people who want to take advantage of someone who seems to have everything under control. In the past, 'friends' would use me as a counsellor, but if I had anything going on it was like they were shocked I was an actual human and took it as a sort of insult - how dare I need anything? Didn't I know my role was to support them?

I am now very clear on what I need and good people are totally willing to give that to me.

Such wisdom!

Gently, OP, if you’ve always struggled with friendships it’s something you’re doing, indubitably. The good thing is that this means it’s in your power to work on changing it, once you’ve figured out what it is.

What strikes me in your OP is that you describe yourself as if you’re a bystander, even in your own sense of yourself. Everything you say about yourself is couched in terms of you not being a bother to anyone— you say you’re ’not horrible’ and ‘not negative’ and ‘not needy’. But it strikes me that this may be part of the problem. I can absolutely be all of those things, including at the same time, and I have good friends despite/because of this.

It sounds to me as if something in your childhood (which I think you mentioned was difficult) taught you that your job was not to be any bother to anyone, and you’ve brought this into adulthood with you. But not being a bother isn’t the way to be seen in your friendships. The version of you that you present to other people is not authentic. It presents a cheery ‘don’t mind me, I’m fine — nothing to see here! Let’s catch up on our news and what the children have been up to!’ mask.

Basically, you don’t treat yourself as the crucial main character of your own life, and get frustrated that everyone takes you at your word. Sustaining friendships grow from fun, sure, but also shared vulnerability, honesty, genuine self+revelation of who you really are.

Have you ever had therapy? It would be helpful to help unpack some of the beliefs you have about yourself and how they translate into adult relationships.

One thing struck me, OP. You've been testing everyone to see if you matter and then concluded they don't care.

It's not a test. But after 5-10 years of being the only one to make contact, of meeting up once or twice a year for coffee and nothing else and, tbh, just becoming a bit bored of that and having lost confidence in whether they actually wanted to spend time with me or not, I did step back.

In one case, it was because she repeatedly cancelled at the last minute as something else came up and I was waiting for her to get in touch to rearrange (because she said she'd be in touch to rearrange).

Another one, I got in touch just for a general check in and to sigest meeting up. We exchanged a few messages, but there was nonrespomse to the meeting up suggestion.

I drew conclusions from the outcome of that. And I'm not going to beg people to spend time with me or keep making suggestions/issuijg invitations that are rejected, cancelled or ignored. At some point, i have to take the hint!

We're all busy. I understand that. I'm busy too but people will make the effort to see the people they are interested in spending time with.

I'm sure some of those people care from a distance. I don't think any of them hate me or wish me ill but in the grand scheme of things, i don't really matter to them.

One woman I do still make the effort with is an old colleague who I meet up with periodically. Last year, we had missed one of our usual meet up points in the year. I got in touch, apologised for not having been in touch for a while and invited her out. She came but at the end of the meet up, she chided me for not making more of an effort and leaving it so long.

She never gets in touch unless it's in response to me. But I've accepted that that is just the dynamic and maybe it's because I managed her at work and so she just waits for me! I don't know.

Ask him why he didnt acknowledge what you said and that you found his lack of response hurtful.

I think I make more effort with friends than vice versa too. People can be flaky/lazy.

You do sound lovely and it is difficult not to take this kind of thing personally sometimes.

X

I think this is also probably a good point.

I don't think the version of myself I present to others is inauthentic but it's not the whole version because I wouldn't show my 'whole self' to anyone because that scares me and I worry about what people would think. I think some of my life experiences would make some people wary of me or make assumptions about me that arent true. So I generally keep that hidden. My partner knows pretty much everything but I know he found it hard that I was able to present some of it quite lightheartdly when none of it is lighthearted. But thats just how I've coped with it over the years.

When I looked at the Adverse Childhood Experiences checklist, I can tick off around 7. But I suppose I've dealt with a lot by compartmentalising the negatives. I suppose it has had an impact on how I engage with the world.

The bystander even in my own life observation is probably quite accurate.

Try doing local voluntary work.

Outside of school, uni, employment, voluntary work is how I have met anyone else who ever really mattered to me.

I think because you share common values through voluntary work.

Also joining clubs is good - as soon as you meet someone you feel a spark or connection with personality wise then try and arrange experiences to do together with them separately to the group.

That has always worked for me. I prefer 1.1s rather than groups, but also find 'meet for coffee and catch up on life' tediously dull to be honest. I'd rather find a show, fair, exhbition, that I think the other person might like.

If near their birthday I'd offer to take them etc. I also look up what is near them like national trust and travel to them.

Possibly your partner has a diff love language. In any case only you can solve the problem and commisserating isn't the long term answer.

But I do empathise!

Not diminishing but many people have some degree of ACEs. Main thing is not fall into the trap of negative self talk. I see that so commonly with people who are stuck.

Its okay to sit with and feel the pain at times and put it back into its box when you don't need it front and centre. In fact I would argue that it is essential practise to feel your emotions in your body. Maybe some therapy like Acceptance Commitment Therapy would help? I had EMDR then ACT which have helped me tremendously. If you can't process your experiences verbally then somatic therapy is very helpful, things like yoga, meditation, even just movement, time in nature, adventures outside.

I do put stuff in its box.

That's what I meant by compartmentalising.

Again, great suggestions.

I've done several types of volunteering over the years including being a charity trustee, several sociable hobbies where I've met a wide number of people, some of those have become friends but the outcome has been the same.

I'm the person at work who organises regular but low key social events that are popular and well attended by a small regular group and I get invovled with local and community events. I know a lot of people. Meeting people isn't the issue. And I don't think I'm necessarily disliked. I just don't matter.

There just isn't anyone who ever thinks to get in touch with me. I don't even mind being the person who does the actual organising really. I just never hear from anyone unless it's me making the contact.

And I agree with you about coffee being tedious. I'd rather do something but my invitations are rejected and my suggestions are ignored.

Eg one friend agreed to meet with me for lunch. I suggested we did something different (something i knew she enjoys) but she said that she'd rather just go for lunch. But that's all we ever do. She's a really interesting person, we get on well and are quite similar in many ways and, yes, I'd like to know her better but she's clearly putting boundaries in place around what she's prepared to actually do with me.