Just that really. I don't feel like I matter to anyone.
I've always struggled a bit with friendships. Always been on the periphery and I'm not really sure why.
There are people I refer to as 'friends' but it would be more accurate to describe them as people I know. There are maybe 3 or 4 people who I know well enough to suggest meeting for lunch or coffee with who will come but won't if I suggest doing anything else. But it ends up being an information exchange of things we have done, how our children are doing, funny anecdotes from life. We always have a nice time, it's always positive but then nothing until and unless I make contact and invite them for coffee. If I suggest doing anything else, they're never free and so the information exchange is all it ever is. And only ever when I suggest it. They don't ever make the first contact and invite me for coffee etc. I've concluded that it's because I just dont really matter to them.
Eg
I have a friend from university. We meet to catch up every summer. This year, I had a lot on in my personal life and didn't get in touch. And so we didn't meet. There was no, "Hey, how are you? I haven't heard from you," message. Nothing.
And that's how it is. A friend of 10 years who I was really close to at one point dwindled down to this and then I left it to see if I'd hear from her first. Nothing. I haven't seen her for 2 years now.
A friend I occasionally meet for coffee but I'm not a priority and she will often cancel. Ive tried suggesting doing things i knownsje likes. I've invited her and her husband to things with my partner and me because I know they like him. But no. So I've left it now. So we no longer meet.
Thats how it is with everyone. I'm not a horrible person I'm not negative, I'm not needy. Whenever I meet up with someone, we have a lovely time. I remember things they've told me, we have common ground, I ask questions of them, I share things of myself. Just what everyone seems to do. I know I'm being negative in this thread but thats not how I usually am.
And so it continues.
I have a partner of 5 years. I have never really opened up to him about how I feel about this. It's embarrassing to have no friends. I feel ashamed. I don't let him know that I only meet these people when I suggest it and have always just said, "Oh I'm going out for lunch with X on Thursday," or "I spoke with Y today. We're going out next Tuesday," etc.
But no one ever thinks, oh, I haven't heard from X for a while. I wonder how she is? Or sees something and thinks of me. I've not fallen out with these people. Not had a cross word. I just don't matter to them. So, unless its me making the contact or the arrangements, they just dont think of me.
So, my partner and I were just chatting this evening and the conversation went this way and I found myself opening up to him. I relayed some objectively bad experiences but just told him how I feel generally and said specifically that I don't feel like I matter to anyone.
He listened to me and said nothing. I paused and hebsaid nothing. So I continued - just getting it off my chest really. And I realised he just had nothing to say. So I stopped talking. He just stood up and started washing up - we were listening to music and talking at the kitchen table. He finished and asked if I wanted a cup of tea. I said I didn't. He asked if I were sure. I said i was. He said he was making one and taking it to bed. I said ok.
And so he did.
I've just been up to get something from the bedroom and he is siting in bed with his cup of tea scrolling through Facebook.
I'm now sitting in the garden silently screaming into the abyss because I really, really don't matter to anyone.