I don't feel like I matter to anyone.

[SilentScreamingIntoTheAbyss]

Just that really. I don't feel like I matter to anyone.

I've always struggled a bit with friendships. Always been on the periphery and I'm not really sure why.

There are people I refer to as 'friends' but it would be more accurate to describe them as people I know. There are maybe 3 or 4 people who I know well enough to suggest meeting for lunch or coffee with who will come but won't if I suggest doing anything else. But it ends up being an information exchange of things we have done, how our children are doing, funny anecdotes from life. We always have a nice time, it's always positive but then nothing until and unless I make contact and invite them for coffee. If I suggest doing anything else, they're never free and so the information exchange is all it ever is. And only ever when I suggest it. They don't ever make the first contact and invite me for coffee etc. I've concluded that it's because I just dont really matter to them.

Eg

I have a friend from university. We meet to catch up every summer. This year, I had a lot on in my personal life and didn't get in touch. And so we didn't meet. There was no, "Hey, how are you? I haven't heard from you," message. Nothing.

And that's how it is. A friend of 10 years who I was really close to at one point dwindled down to this and then I left it to see if I'd hear from her first. Nothing. I haven't seen her for 2 years now.

A friend I occasionally meet for coffee but I'm not a priority and she will often cancel. Ive tried suggesting doing things i knownsje likes. I've invited her and her husband to things with my partner and me because I know they like him. But no. So I've left it now. So we no longer meet.

Thats how it is with everyone. I'm not a horrible person I'm not negative, I'm not needy. Whenever I meet up with someone, we have a lovely time. I remember things they've told me, we have common ground, I ask questions of them, I share things of myself. Just what everyone seems to do. I know I'm being negative in this thread but thats not how I usually am.

And so it continues.

I have a partner of 5 years. I have never really opened up to him about how I feel about this. It's embarrassing to have no friends. I feel ashamed. I don't let him know that I only meet these people when I suggest it and have always just said, "Oh I'm going out for lunch with X on Thursday," or "I spoke with Y today. We're going out next Tuesday," etc.

But no one ever thinks, oh, I haven't heard from X for a while. I wonder how she is? Or sees something and thinks of me. I've not fallen out with these people. Not had a cross word. I just don't matter to them. So, unless its me making the contact or the arrangements, they just dont think of me.

So, my partner and I were just chatting this evening and the conversation went this way and I found myself opening up to him. I relayed some objectively bad experiences but just told him how I feel generally and said specifically that I don't feel like I matter to anyone.

He listened to me and said nothing. I paused and hebsaid nothing. So I continued - just getting it off my chest really. And I realised he just had nothing to say. So I stopped talking. He just stood up and started washing up - we were listening to music and talking at the kitchen table. He finished and asked if I wanted a cup of tea. I said I didn't. He asked if I were sure. I said i was. He said he was making one and taking it to bed. I said ok.

And so he did.

I've just been up to get something from the bedroom and he is siting in bed with his cup of tea scrolling through Facebook.

I'm now sitting in the garden silently screaming into the abyss because I really, really don't matter to anyone.

Thanks. I know.

I matter to my children but I can't rely on them. They're off in the world starting their own adult lives. They don't need the weight of my worries on their shoulders. Im there to support them not the other way round.

But equally that just feels like a huge pressure and responsibility because I'm the only person they have to rely on.

I think you need to have a honest and frank discussion with your partner . You are bottling up all these feelings with no outlet and this is not serving you well at all. Like a bubbling pot it will all spill out at some point but I think it’s far better have this discussion now than let it get to this stage. Where do you see this relationship going OP? It’s not making you happy at the moment and you need to tell him this. It sounds like your partner is afraid of going any where near where emotions are involved but they are part of life and can’t be avoided forever and he needs to be honest with you about this if this the case so you have a starting point.

No. We did have a conversation before about his lack of communication and emotional self awareness. He just said he didn't feel the need to ever talk to anyone.

His mum had cancer (treated and all clear) and he didn't once expess any feelings about it whatsoever. You wouldn't really have known that anything was going on to speak to him.

He may not feel the need but you as his partner do. If the relationship is to survive a compromise has to be found. Have you discussed with him
where you think your relationship will go if he can’t or won’t offer you the emotional support you need?

As for my partner, he's incredibly supportive in every way except emotionally. He's recently received an inheritance and offered to pay for me to do another Masters (something I've expressed an interest in and he knows I'd love to do). He more than pulls his weight at home and he recently surprised me with tickets to see a band I really like etc. But I feel like those are all functions of who he is. He's the sort of person who does those things. Rather than me.
Because he will also choose to spend his free scrolling or playing games on his phone rather than spend any time actually with me. He disagrees because he'll watch a film with me or will suggest going out to a National Trust place or whatever but he'll do pretty much anything other than spend time with me on an intellectual or emotional level or just me without any other purpose. If that makes sense?

OP this is so sad. I mean it’s nice he will pay for a masters and makes you tea or whatever but emotional support is key in a relationship. It’s not just a nice to have.

It makes it even worse having read this update because not only is he unable or unwilling to be supportive when you express any kind of deep emotions, he even back away from casual connection with you too.

I really couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that. I think you need to hold men and friends in your life to higher standards.

Well putting a positive spin on this at least you know your partner is never going to be the one to give you emotional support. As in, treat it as information you can work with.

Most of my friends have come from groups such as a meditation class (which fulfils my need for ‘deeper’ conversations) and the gym, where again we have things in common.

When I moved to a new area 10 years ago (in my 50s) I found myself wondering how I would make friends, what having friends could give me etc. And then like a light switching on I realised it wasn’t about what friends could do for me - what I should be thinking is how could I be a good friend to other people? I turned the question on its head.

In other words don’t worry about what I might or might not get out of a friendship, just concern myself with listening to people and being a good friend to them.

I wish I’d had this epiphany in my 20s and 30s. I’m no doormat, and I do think you have to have a good sense of your own self worth for this to work, which probably means you need to be older and wiser to start with unfortunately.

In your case it sounds like people do really care but they are busy. As a PP said, it’s a bit of an epidemic atm. And you are looking for confirmation bias that you are not cared about. Stop looking! Just know that you are loved and think about what you have to offer, which I’m sure is a great deal.

Fair enough, but he did give you multiple opportunities to explain how you were feeling and you didn't do it. If you don't tackle the issue, how is it ever going to get resolved?

I'd spent about an hour telling him how I feel that I don't matter to anyone with multiple examples.

I'm not really sure what else I could have said if that wasn't enough to communicate it.

And does anyone seriously think he's suddenly going to transform into Mr Empathy? I don't mean to be harsh, but this thread began as a problem with undemonstrative friends and is now entirely about wanting to change a man - a nice man but an emotionally limited one - who all the OP's evidence says is not capable of that change. From a psychological point of view, when you're repeatedly banging your head against a brick wall, that says something about dependency as a victim. I've been there, and the only way out is to acknowledge that continuing to be a victim is in fact a choice, not a fate.

I’m the same OP. I had an huge emergency recently. I had no one to call and have had no support from anyone.

your upbringing sounds familiar as well. Mine was neglectful. It makes us self reliant independant unsinkable islands and so when we need someone and some support people don’t know what to do. No one realises that the reason we are like that is because we had to be from a young age. I see it as I survived my childhood and DESPITE it all I’m living the best life I can.

I’m so sorry you have had to
go through this. So very sorry.

It’s alright. I’m ok. But thank you for caring x

If my partner said “I don’t think I matter to everyone” of course the response would be “you matter to me”. You’d have to be totally socially inept not to say that.

I’m so glad to hear you’re doing okay

I have noticed even more so since lockdown that a lot of people - not everyone - but a lot, are becoming more insular

Definitely this. I completely understand the comments about casual friendships and being on the periphery all the time, but in recent years I have found myself in a couple of groups, hobby related, and that’s enough to sustain me. So there’s generally a fair bit going on, in terms of hobby activities and WhatsApp group messaging, which definitely makes life feel a bit less hollow.

I think you have a really healthy attitude towards your children. I would say I think your partner lacks empathy just from some of the things you've said. I would also suggest there might be some more deep stuff going on for you, perhaps from your upbringing that might be worth exploring with a therapist so you can understand things better and build on your self esteem?

It’s well known fact that men want to fix things. You need to tell him that your know he can’t fix things but a hug and a few words of acknowledgement would be nice. When he asked if you were ok, that is when you should have explicitly told him what you needed. If he’s not emotionally intelligent, he was probably left feeling inadequate but not knowing what to say, and you were left feeling unsupported. Teach him what you need for the future. And ask specifically for what you need. You shouldn’t have to, but you might need to. He doesn’t sound uncaring. He sounds emotionally unintelligent.

Of you are over 60 then the Facebook page “Ladles 60+ uk residents only” is quite good. It’s fairly new but covers interesting topics and there are lots of people trying to organise meet ups around the country if you want to make friends.

I am trying to be helpful, so I'll give it one last go. You weren't happy with your partner's response. He could probably guess that from your reaction. You had an opportunity to tell him and to explain how his response made you feel, but you didn't - you shut down and went to be sad on your own. The only way could have moved the situation forward with your partner was to talk to him. If you don't do that, things aren't going to change.

I’m a bit rubbish at keeping in touch and preoccupied with work/kids but I’m generally happy and have friends to hang out with. There are times when I realise I don’t particularly have a ride or die group of friends (like realising everyone i thought I was quite good friends with had organised a trip without me 😆) but i don’t really let it get to me.

since I moved to a new town 10 years ago i have joined a couple of things that provide a regular rhythm to my week and this can be really helpful. A couple of trips away have emerged from them and then a nice supportive WhatsApp group has happened organically. Just an idea.

My solution to this was not to care anymore. I just contacted people if l felt like a coffee and decided l didn't care if they ever initiated contacted. I decided to suit myself. Just this week l had a lovely friend from school and we kept contact over the years. I became aware l was always contacting her so l decided to leave it in case l was annoying her. No word. Then this week l was going to her city so l messaged her. We had a fabulous chat and a great laugh and l realised she is just not good at setting things up.
Since l took the road of not caring l have much more friends. I have fun and l don't overthink whether they care about me or not but funnily enough they do! It took me a long time to get to this place and as soon as my mind goes into a negative direction l just say to myself..suit yourself and don't care what people think. It has been a liberation.

There is also a Ladies 50+ uk residents only FB group, if that's of interest

since I moved to a new town 10 years ago i have joined a couple of things that provide a regular rhythm to my week and this can be really helpful. A couple of trips away have emerged from them and then a nice supportive WhatsApp group has happened organically. Just an idea.

Yes, very similar here. You can join in, get involved, be on the WhatsApp group etc and do stuff without having to be best friends with anyone, and of course friendships can grow from this.

This is an interesting post. Thank you.

This is the first time it's happened. I'm not someone who has multiple problems that I need to share or look for support with because, as a pp said, when support isn't something you've ever really had, you just get on with things on your own. But as we were talking i just found myself telling him what is really deepest fear - that I don't matter.

Previously, I've told him about crappy things that have happened and his responses have been as I'd have expected as in he agreed they were crappy experiences but they weren't things I needed support with. Likewise, when I had a tough time at work, I was describing shitty situations and his support showed up in him listening, letting me speak, not suggesting I was the problem and making the right noises but there wasnt a vulnerability to any of it. It was an issue that affected a number of my colleagues too amd so we had each other for emotional support. I was venting to him not looking or support.

Your post has made me realise that this is the first time i have ever been upset or emotionally vulnerable in that way because it's the first time I've expessed feelings that reflected on and exposed myself (internal) rather than venting about a specific situation (external).

OP, I am very sorry you feel this way. I think friendships can decrease with age, especially with women. I am not sure how old you are but I think this is a classic feeling of midlife. Menopause hits everyone differently and people who were up for doing stuff are suddenly exhausted and declining invitations they have usually accepted with relish. However, whilst what you are describing is a common occurrence it is by no means inevitable.

I think the way you and DH communicate is a key area for development. He did offer to make you a cup of tea when you were telling him how you felt. You didn't accept. I wonder what might have happened if you had accepted and told him you needed a hug.

You need to make your needs known a bit here. I wonder if speaking to someone completely unconnected about how you feel would be beneficial. If you have the funds, a few hours of therapy to reframe how you are feeling might be the best money you spend.

You then need to focus on making yourself happier in a practical way. Happy people do not feel lonely: it is both cause and effect. Feeling depressed is horrible for the person experiencing it but also discourages others from getting too close. Make an action plan. What do you like to do? Do more of it. Do you exercise? I think regular exercise, sleep and decent food is the best depression prevention around, and an hour's walk is free. Better still, add in some strength stuff. I reckon if you found a strength class aimed at midlife women you would be in a room with some people who have felt like this, and you'll feel better in the way out than in the way in. It's just biology.

The way you are feeling about not mattering to anyone screams menopause to me. I didn't think I had too much of that but went on HRT because my sleep was poor and was surprised how much happier/less annoyed I also felt. It really did change a game I didn't know needed changing.

Do one thing every day that brings you joy. Keep contacting people for a coffee or a walk. Be interested in the information they exchange. Try to laugh as often as you can and find a way to move your body every day that you don't mind. Whether it's hill walking or salsa, it will all do the same job, even better if you do it in the company of others.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, OP, and you can definitely make how you feel a lot better. Tell DH what you need but he might not be the person to pour your heart out to as he's part of the situation and might be quite terrified/not know what to do. Accept his cup of tea and go up to bed with him. I don't think he can fix this for you but he might be able to give you a cuddle while you work it out yourself.