Partner wants me to earn more money

[DaryJoppins]

Partner joked yesterday that I am not earning enough and need to look at other income streams. We own a C17th cottahe that we love but needs constant expensive repairs and we aren’t able to sell yet. He earns £60k and I’m on £30k (I work 4 days a week) and our child is in nursery 4 days a week costing us a fortune. 5 days would wipe out the extra earnings if I went FT but also I think it is enough for our little one (2yo). I cherish my day off with him, it is my absolute favourite time and so precious. I was made redundant after I returned from mat leave from a high salary and now I’m on lower money. I’m a chartered professional with an MA so it’s not like I’m being completely unambiguous and lazy but I had to take a step back because of childcare. We live away from London so salaries are lower and jobs are competitive. When not working I do a few hours freelance too (social media and PR) and then I do the majority of the childcare & ALL meals (OH doesn’t lift a finger in the kitchen). I make sure his clothes are washed and our child is clean and dressed. He works very long hours but doesn’t seem to appreciate he is able to do that because I support him and make sure when he finishes a hot meal is ready and his packed lunch is ready and the food shop is done etc.

He grew up in Portugal with working parents and his mum earned more but they had grandparents doing all the extra childcare. We don’t have anyone around to help. I work my *rse off but he constantly acts like I’m lazy simply because I don’t earn enough. He jokes recently that whatever I do he’ll find fault. I do get child benefit and it helps a lot particularly now petrol is so high because it arrives halfway height the pay month. I do have a bit of a Vinted addiction (and sell on there too) but we don’t go out to the pub, restaurants, have big holidays and I always buy secondhand. Any money just seems to get sucked up on credit card debit or paying to get the house mended. OH is a scientist - PhD and high up in his field. He works for the government so pay isn’t as good as in the private sector where he could earn a lot more but it is secure and good pension etc.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m going to burn myself into the ground if I take on an extra job working nights or at the weekend. Has anyone had any luck earning proper money with any of those schemes such as selling
printed items on Etsy or AI videos on YouTube?

Sounds like a plan then! Not too bad timing either, in a couple of years your DD will be close to starting school.

I'd make sure your manager knows of your intentions, so that she can help nurture and progress you towards that goal, maybe delegating some of her tasks, training you up and stepping into her shoes when she is on holiday. Good luck!

you got to play the long game here, having in mind all you wrote so far....let him first finish his divorce there, for his emotions to settle and you keep low profile....just don't give him chances to converse too much with you....obviously if you see any hint of abuse, leave immediately...are you on the property deeds??

edited as it was full with misspellings

Get yourself on rock solid birth control.

When my ex felt me slipping away, he absolutely tried to get me pregnant again.

He can't have sole custody or just take the child away. In the UK, the default is 50/50, with the needs of the child being paramount - now, we all know that's not always the case, but he absolutely won't get more than 50% custody given he has such a small role now. Get some advice. Start thinking about what you want while your child is young.

Thank you, this is really helpful. I need to get a lot more clued up.

Yes, I am on the deeds - joint tenancy. Re abuse, I've done a Clare's Law (he is horribly short tempered with our LO and me but never physical) and it came back with nothing but I'm out of here the moment he hurts either of us. He would lose his visa and job (government security clearance so a conviction would affect it) but that's not my responsibility.

He is hurting you and LO right now. Not physically, but emotionally.

A flexible job with room for progression is actually valuable, especially if you might split. You could live frugally and still be able to care for your child. Perhaps changing your job situation is unwise even if you aren’t married and he isn’t supportive.

I still think he is being unreasonable expecting you to do everything. You work 4 days not zero. He should still be parenting.

this is a man who was willing to leave his child behind in another country. That doesn’t seem like a likely candidate for wanting full custody. If you are worried about that though, I would very quietly meet with a solicitor. You can stop him from taking your shared child to another country. You would have to share custody locally unless he abdicates his role, but that would be perfectly reasonable.

It's been a regular joke for years (as in hints at me doing OF and finds it hilarious that it makes me uncomfortable) but becoming less of a joke the higher our house repairs get (boiler currently broken & fence panels fallen down which all costs £££) so forgive me but I will take it seriously because it is more than a joke.

please don’t wait until he hurts you or DD it may be too late then , leave while you are strong enough , if you get browbeaten any further you’ll loose what little fight is left in you .

'Joking' about you doing OF??? He is not a nice person or supportive partner. Any decent guy I know would be the first to take on an extra job over their partner being forced to work on OF.

OF is absolutely fine when it is your own personal choice, but completely inappropriate for him to even consider asking the mother of his child to work on it

The fact that he’s “horribly short tempered” with your DC sounds horrendous and should be enough to make you want to get out. You do NOT want your child thinking that’s normal in a relationship.

@DaryJoppins joint ‘tenants in common’ or ‘joint tenants’? Matters because the former means you can each decide what happens to your share vs it going to the other.

Document everything - bills, what you spend, evidence if he does suggest you do OF. This is abuse, no doubt about it. Think what you’d tell a friend if they told you this.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He’s already hurting you and in turn your child verbally and when he decides that’s not enough to keep
you under control he could well decide to hit you. You need to plan your exit with due care .

Partner joked yesterday that I am not earning enough

He jokes recently that whatever I do he’ll find fault

You do realise he's not joking, don't you? This alone would annoy the fuck out of me. He can't even man up enough to have a proper talk with you. Hiding it as a "joke" is despicable.

Joint tenants - as in it is equal share

That's dramatic. A UK course would not jump to allowing that scenario if you disagreed, and presumably you would have legal representation.

This is really worrying extra information especially with the international dimension.

You may not know the full facts about the ex I suspect.

I meant what was in the quoted part. Clare's Law isn't going to tell you anything that may have happened in Portugal.

Talk about a relentless drip of information culminating in what sounds like a very deeply unpleasant and abusive husband.

If I take the OP as it stands - he made one joke and the OP seems to have taken it incredibly seriously.

Then if you read the updates - it is clear that this joke last night is the least of the worries

Isn’t this reason to get a better paid job?

Error

Bloody hell
Started off as a bit of a moan and ended up with the realisation that you are in a relationship with a right tosser.
Look after yourself, op! Stop crippling yourself paying so much towards everything. Is he paying you for the day a week childcare? If not, how come you go halves on the other childcare and not this? How come your pension is the one taking a battering?
When you split up (sorry i think it's when not if) you will be financially worse off as you can't claim anything. So start protecting your finances from him

It really annoys me when anyone in a relationship cannot step up. If your partner lived alone he'd have to make his own dinner, do his own laundry and generally adult. Like we all do.

Who owns the house? If it's not your house I'd stop contributing to the repairs.

I'd stop doing stuff for him and consider leaving.

Whatever you do he'll find fault? Laughing while he said it. As Mn often says imagine if a friend was telling you this about her Dh, what advice would you give her? Take that advice on board for yourself, this is not a man who supports you Op, just where does he think the extra income will appear from, when you are bearing the load of everything else?

Oh Op what a sad reply, I am so sorry you've found yourself in this situation with this awful man. Please start making a plan to leave, it might take months, it might take years but please start planning now so that you know this is not forever