Partner wants me to earn more money

[DaryJoppins]

Partner joked yesterday that I am not earning enough and need to look at other income streams. We own a C17th cottahe that we love but needs constant expensive repairs and we aren’t able to sell yet. He earns £60k and I’m on £30k (I work 4 days a week) and our child is in nursery 4 days a week costing us a fortune. 5 days would wipe out the extra earnings if I went FT but also I think it is enough for our little one (2yo). I cherish my day off with him, it is my absolute favourite time and so precious. I was made redundant after I returned from mat leave from a high salary and now I’m on lower money. I’m a chartered professional with an MA so it’s not like I’m being completely unambiguous and lazy but I had to take a step back because of childcare. We live away from London so salaries are lower and jobs are competitive. When not working I do a few hours freelance too (social media and PR) and then I do the majority of the childcare & ALL meals (OH doesn’t lift a finger in the kitchen). I make sure his clothes are washed and our child is clean and dressed. He works very long hours but doesn’t seem to appreciate he is able to do that because I support him and make sure when he finishes a hot meal is ready and his packed lunch is ready and the food shop is done etc.

He grew up in Portugal with working parents and his mum earned more but they had grandparents doing all the extra childcare. We don’t have anyone around to help. I work my *rse off but he constantly acts like I’m lazy simply because I don’t earn enough. He jokes recently that whatever I do he’ll find fault. I do get child benefit and it helps a lot particularly now petrol is so high because it arrives halfway height the pay month. I do have a bit of a Vinted addiction (and sell on there too) but we don’t go out to the pub, restaurants, have big holidays and I always buy secondhand. Any money just seems to get sucked up on credit card debit or paying to get the house mended. OH is a scientist - PhD and high up in his field. He works for the government so pay isn’t as good as in the private sector where he could earn a lot more but it is secure and good pension etc.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m going to burn myself into the ground if I take on an extra job working nights or at the weekend. Has anyone had any luck earning proper money with any of those schemes such as selling
printed items on Etsy or AI videos on YouTube?

Stop doing his washing and especially his packed lunch! He’s a lazy fucker and you need to put your foot down.

You could work away if your child's other parent pulled their weight.
If you can get a job that pays MORE than his but requires travel I'd seriously consider going for it and then tell him he needs to pick up the slack. Tell him he can go PT if he can't manage.

Don’t tell me your child has his surname 🙈

I wouldn’t trust a man like this . Putting your career on the back burner and relying on him is dangerous. He doesn’t respect the work you do for the family.

I do think you need to work full time and prioritize your career. That starts by a meeting about how the two of you will be dividing child responsibilities. He doesn’t half the drop off or pickups. He does half of sick days and inset days. He packs lunches or preps clothing. The days of abdicating his responsibilities need to be over.

it’s time for you to push back on him as hard as he is pushing on you.your push will just put you in a safer place going forward.

No, I'm earning as much as I can at this level and in a job that is very flexible and fits around childcare (very understanding manager) and I'm really happy there. If I go for a higher paid job I wouldn't be able to see my child so much and I would hate that or just end up working so late which I can do occasionally but no all the time. After being made redundant and in a series of horrid jobs, I've found one I think I can go far in so I want to stay put.

I keep reading about this but I don't understand why I would be vulnerable - genuinely being dumb here but if I earn my own money, why am I at risk and he isn't? We've been together 5 years and our mortgage is a joint tenancy. I have got life and critical illness insurance (he doesn't have either).

It’s not just Portuguese men. British men (not all men blah blah) also expect their female partners to earn the same as them whilst also being the default parent, the one who has to leave work to do the school/nursery run, the default cook, cleaner and caregiver at home, and the one who is responsible for any and all life admin. They also implicitly expect that we are always well groomed (but not too much or you’re at risk of being vein/a bimbo), ready for sex after getting up with the kids, going to the gym, walking the dog, going to work, making the tea, cleaning, and ordering their aunts birthday present.

So he was brought up to expect the woman of the house to work themself into the ground and with zero experience/empathy to understand the load.

Difficult to get him to change @DaryJoppins - he won’t understand unless you simply drop the rope for a bit. Can you invent a need to go away for a few days? And leave him to it?

otherwise what you need to do is explain that while that is his ‘norm’ it is not yours - neither of your opinions invalidates the other. But you need to say ‘no I won’t be working more days, you need to change job, or you need to do flexible working/go part time to do childcare on one of my work days because I will not be doing more. Not doing more does not make me lazy’ and just ignore his nonsense. Just because he says it/believes it does not make it true

No we aren't married - I made it clear I wanted to but then I got pregnant and bought our house so it was pushed aside and now we don't get on well enough to want to get married. We can't split up as it would cost a fortune and I don't know how I would be able to provide for my child well on my own. My partner is an absolute bully of a pitbull but able to turn the charm on anyone - he would convince any judge to have FT custody over me within seconds and that terrifies me - I buckle immediately. I don't know how I've ended up with someone so horrible and can't get out of it or find a way to improve it.

So from what you've said there, you think you can go far in this job. Am I right in assuming there is career progression then? Which usually comes with better pay?

Do you have a rough plan for how long/when you think you might get promotions? Where in the company you are aiming to get to and the pay/offer that comes with?

Might be worth talking to your partner about that. If you were to take on a second job, you'll likely be more tired, which could have a knock on impact on your energy and capacity at this job, and therefore on future promotions.

There is also the impact on his time, if you were to work more he is going to need to step up more with childcare and home tasks you are currently doing.

Flexible jobs which you enjoy can be like gold dust, although it does sound like your salary considering your past experience and qualifications is low, that doesn't guarantee better is available. Particularly without sacrificing the balance it sounds like you have. There is a lot of value in that, and without a 'village' to support with childcare, you can end up paying even more out that costs the additional pay rise you went for.

I'm also Portuguese. Born and raised. He's taking the piss. My partner ( we are both portuguese but live in Uk) is main breadwinner and pulls his weight around the house. Same for his siblings and mine.
It's up to you if you are willing to withstand this

Oh God @DaryJoppins just read your latest post about him being a bully. You absolutely can get out of this, just imagine how your child will do better without him as a role model and quietly plan in the background. Talk to all the advisors you can (women’s aid, Citizens’ advice etc) and see what you can do.

He won’t want full custody will he, since he would have to look after the child as there is no family around?

Life and Critical Illness cover benefits him more than you. Make sure your daughter is named as a beneficiary, not your partner, and ideally put in trust for her with someone else as the trustee so he can't spend the money before she is an adult.

You are more vulnerable not being married as you aren't entitled to any assets in his name. The house may be owned jointly, but you are earning half what he is. So he is potentially saving more. His pension contributions (based on minimum rates) would be double yours so his pensions will be worth a lot more as you have sacrificed earnings for your family (completely understandable and very common, but is the main cause of the gender pension gap).

His career progression has continued as he has more flexibility, whereas yours has stalled a little as you can no longer work in London and travel as much (as you mentioned previously). This has an impact on future earnings potential.

If you were married you would be entitled to a portion of his savings and investments. Both your future earnings would be taken into consideration with a financial split so you might get more than half of a property (as an example) to keep living standards fair.

There are some protections with marriage financially, if you aren't earning and coming into the relationship equally. But please don't marry just for the above, be aware of it.

I would presume so, I’ve never heard of not having the father’s surname until I moved here. I seriously doubt he’d be okay with that.

We live in half of what you both make and are also out of London, and I make 1 quarter of your salary and my husband has never asked me to bring in more, plus we chose a property cheap to maintain....your lifestyle choices are bad and for you to decipher is this a good man you are having or bad

Because he is enhancing his career and prospects, and you are not as you are doing the unpaid labour for your joint child. You have given up your decent career for your joint child. You even said yourself that you can’t do your old job because he wouldn’t support it. In twenty years time his salary will be loads higher than yours because of what is happening now.

I sound like I'm being a fantasist adding to this but he's currently going through a very nasty custody battle with his ex back in Portugal. The ex won't allow OH to have time properly with his first child (8yo) via Whatsapp calls but he does pay well for the child despite being allowed much contact. Because of how stressful that situation is, he is like a viper when it comes to legal things and our child. If we split up he would immediately be on knowing what to do gathering evidence and would move our son back to Portugal to live with his parents. I wouldn't stand a chance. It has made me completely paralysed into standing up for myself and have no family to help me.

I think I can go far - I'm a senior at the mo and when my manager (dept head) leaves which she has hinted she will in the next 2 years, I would be able to go for the role so I am keen to stay there.

DS has both our surnames.

Op he wouldn't be allowed to take your dc to Portugal, it doesn't matter how charming he is a judge would see right through him. Do you have any family? If so can you leave and move closer to them? He sounds awful.

No genuinely no family to support me - mother is in a carehome and my dad lives abroad.

@DaryJoppins I would go and talk to someone (solicitor?) about what your partner can and cannot do with regard to your child before deciding you’re stuck. And the potential for progression in role sounds good - but don’t let it stop you keeping eyes and ears open for other opportunities.

What the debt from and how much? You need to split mortgage and bills according to 50% of each of your salaries.

What would happen when baby no2 comes along (if that's your wish) ?