Partner wants me to earn more money

[DaryJoppins]

Partner joked yesterday that I am not earning enough and need to look at other income streams. We own a C17th cottahe that we love but needs constant expensive repairs and we aren’t able to sell yet. He earns £60k and I’m on £30k (I work 4 days a week) and our child is in nursery 4 days a week costing us a fortune. 5 days would wipe out the extra earnings if I went FT but also I think it is enough for our little one (2yo). I cherish my day off with him, it is my absolute favourite time and so precious. I was made redundant after I returned from mat leave from a high salary and now I’m on lower money. I’m a chartered professional with an MA so it’s not like I’m being completely unambiguous and lazy but I had to take a step back because of childcare. We live away from London so salaries are lower and jobs are competitive. When not working I do a few hours freelance too (social media and PR) and then I do the majority of the childcare & ALL meals (OH doesn’t lift a finger in the kitchen). I make sure his clothes are washed and our child is clean and dressed. He works very long hours but doesn’t seem to appreciate he is able to do that because I support him and make sure when he finishes a hot meal is ready and his packed lunch is ready and the food shop is done etc.

He grew up in Portugal with working parents and his mum earned more but they had grandparents doing all the extra childcare. We don’t have anyone around to help. I work my *rse off but he constantly acts like I’m lazy simply because I don’t earn enough. He jokes recently that whatever I do he’ll find fault. I do get child benefit and it helps a lot particularly now petrol is so high because it arrives halfway height the pay month. I do have a bit of a Vinted addiction (and sell on there too) but we don’t go out to the pub, restaurants, have big holidays and I always buy secondhand. Any money just seems to get sucked up on credit card debit or paying to get the house mended. OH is a scientist - PhD and high up in his field. He works for the government so pay isn’t as good as in the private sector where he could earn a lot more but it is secure and good pension etc.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m going to burn myself into the ground if I take on an extra job working nights or at the weekend. Has anyone had any luck earning proper money with any of those schemes such as selling
printed items on Etsy or AI videos on YouTube?

And you are with him why?

Marriage is a partnership - he is not your partner. He is not a team player

I do the majority of the childcare & ALL meals (OH doesn’t lift a finger in the kitchen). I make sure his clothes are washed and our child is clean and dressed

.Why? Why do you accept this?

I don’t understand why you’d need to take on a second job, isn’t he sayinf working in your current job is very low paid and as such, if you’re working anyway you should aim for a higher paid one as you have the skills and qualifications?

Don’t work yourself into the ground for a man who won’t appreciate it.

Sit him down, explain this is only going to happen once. Spell out everything you do. Down to the last detail of food, cleaning, childcare. Tell him how much he would have to do if you leave and he wants 50/50.
Explain how important time with your child is - both for them and you.
Point out your low spending and lack of other support.
Spell it all out. Once.
Then say get a fucking grip and if I hear one more complaint from you, I’m leaving and you can see how hard life is without me making it comfortable for you.

And if he says he’s “only joking”, kick him in the balls. Twat.

You don't have the legal protection of marriage, so you shouldn't reduce hours or earnings.

The boyfriend is benefiting from you doing his half of the labour, does he really enhance your life enough for the relationship to be worth it?

Yeah I’d get rid of this idiot no way would I put up with this!

Why is he not lifting a finger in the kitchen and why are you making sure all his clothes are washed? He's taking you for granted. My first reaction to reading your post was 'well he can fuck off then!' - just a thought.

I'm not sure he doesn't appreciate what you do but he doesn't value it as much as income and it may mean that you're both simply not making enough to make ends meet. Maybe he's worried about the future of his own job? Maybe he thinks you could make more money, doing the same thing within the same amount of hours, and just need to do a lateral move to achieve this?

He probably thinks hot meals and a clean house won't pay the bills and, if that's the case, you do need to speak to him about your money situation.

Alternatively, he could just be a jerk but like someone else said, a conversation is in order.

I agree with this. Surely an educated, grown man will be able to have a conversation about the situation and appreciate the full picture.

Also, I think 90k a year is more than enough for a family of three. If the cottage is unaffordable then that’s where you start looking.

And this is why married or partnered men are happier than single men and why single women are happier than their married sisters.
The OP is basically carrying this ungrateful inadequate male adult. Yes he might be earning more money, but he isnt looking after himself. Let alone their child.
OP you already have a second job, dont you see it?
Take Everyoneusingoutro's advice.

I’d tell him you cooked and cleaned and parented for him because you loved him, but the constant put downs have had you look at him differently and realise how little he adds to your life and that he’s not a good dad either. Say you’re quite busy enough and there’s no more meals or lunches for him, he does fuck all around the house and can handle his own food like all the single men.

I read that you could be earning more for a different employer like you did before you were made redundant. If you did that you wouldn’t be working more hours but earning more for the hours currently worked. It’s interesting that none of your post acknowledges this and instead is about being a martyr.

Unfortunately the years when your kids are young you are either working less or paying for expensive childcare. It's just how it is. We are in the same boat and im looking to extend my hours from 22.5 to 30 (no luck finding the right job at the moment though!). Also paying back the credit card! It's tough but I think you just have to build your family then hope that you can build on your career and earn a bit more once they are a little older. I am also a bit of a vinted shopping addict! But you really need to cut down....every penny counts! It's depressing i know. My partner doesn't even want me increasing my hours as he is worried that I will burn out but im trying to find a balance. Could you sit down and go through your budget first? Or make plans for in a couple of years time when your child is in school? I wouldn't just increase your hours yet because you will just be adding to childcare costs

I mean Jesus! What a Prince of a man!! You have given birth to his child and the child is only 2!!! How was he raised? He should be doing the bloody providing when your baby is small and if that's not enough he should get 2 bloody jobs. Sounds lile he wants a traditional set up without marriage or any traditional male responsibilities. Men in this generation really are confused. If he wants a traditional set up he needs to marry you and start his second job. If you would prefer more precious time caring for your child he should be facilitating that. If he wants a modern set up he had better start cooking, cleaning and doing childcare. Cheeky fucker!

It sounds like there is a serious imbalance in your relationship and it's not just financial. Of course he's earning more, he's not had to factor in maternity leave/childcare - he goes off to work without any thought of those.

You're in a vulnerable position here if you're not married, and I would suggest that if you have the skills you look for a better paid job or freelancing over 3 days where you'd earn the same as now but then get an extra day with your DC and pay less nursery. Then look at going full time once your DC goes to school and make sure that you're paying into a pension/savings for your and your DC.

And for the love of God, stop pandering to him and making lunches/cooking/washing. He's an adult too and if he's capable of earning £60k a year, he's capable of turning the washing machine on/running the hoover round.

All that unpaid labour you do for him, and he doesn't even appreciate it.
So maybe stop? Stop the laundry and the cooking - let him cook his own meal when he comes home. If he asks why tell him you're job hunting/ researching study/ jobs that can lead to a higher income or whatever.
Don't burn yourself out for this man who finds fault with you so easily.
Keep your day off with your DC - maybe dropping all the unpaid labour you do will give you the energy to do extra work at the weekends and he can do the childcare and cooking.
The bottom line is that if he wants you to earn/work more, he will have to do his share of the unpaid labour.

Put yourself first. You're the only one who's going to.

It's only a joke if both people are laughing.

One of my friends has this arrangement but with her DH the lower earner who does all the stuff round the house and most of the childcare. It works well as she understands that he can't earn as much but he is contributing in other ways. It sounds like your DH has no idea how much time and effort all your non paid work takes. You need to list ot out for him if a conversation doesn't work.

He doesn't sound great if I'm honest. He can't have it all, perhaps start charging him for the childcare you provide whilst he works at a rate that equates to your loss of earnings from moving to part time?!

I have 2 young children, 4&5, was made redundant in march 2025, but now have a part time job 9:30-1 each day. I have set up my own business selling wellbeing/beauty products (Currently silk eye mask/pillowcases) it doesn't make profit yet but i'm getting there, but i also make up some extra money on the research survey site Prolific, i actually earn more on there at the moment than i do in my actual job- and can do it once the kids are in bed :)

Sorry OP but he sounds like a right prick.

I agree with all the posters pointing out that your OH doesn't appreciate what you do and you shouldn't be running around after him all the time. BUT as others have pointed out, you had a higher earning role before you got made redundant. Why are you in a role that earns so much less now? Can you get back into a role like you had before? Working 4 days a week isn't a barrier the way doing 3 days or fewer is. I know the jobs market sucks right now but are you trying to?

Did you ever see the indignant reddit post from a bloke who wanted to start a family with his partner, and she produced a ring-binder with the expectations around reimbursement/pensions contributions etc. that she would require in order to do it?

And she was absolutely fair (and I would hope serious) about it.

I was caught myself - when ex and I met, I was the higher, more qualified partner. After 15 years, he was out-earning me significantly, and I was doing everything for the house and kids, and it's taken me 5 years since the split to get myself back - 20 years of impact from one man!

Sit down with him, and spec it all out - which nursery runs he'll do, which household tasks he'll take on or you'll pay to get done instead. I think you'll be horrified at his response. I'm so sorry.

I haven't seen this but she sounds AMAZING!!!

This surely, minimum wage is about to go up to 27k and you have significant qualifications. Can you look for a job for more money rather than increasing hours in the low paid job you have

If you’re doing the bulk of the childcare, why doesn’t he take on extra work evenings and weekends?

It sounds like you need to cut your cloth accordingly. When you have a child in nursery maybe isn’t the time to take on a big project. Give it a few years.

That said, I’d say Dh and I have a household income that is very similar to yours. My income is lower because I had to step back from work due to cancer, not childcare (our children are school age now). We have a big 5 bed detached house with land. We have expensive hobbies. We’ve done a lot of renovation work on our, also 17th century, house this year. Kids train in expensive sports. We aren’t struggling.

Obviously, we were when we earned less and had nursery bills to pay, but I suspect that somewhere you could make life a bit more affordable if you wanted to especially on incomes like that. You are definitely not skint.

Reading that I couldn't see anything attractive about this man who believes you are not enough. Entitled lazy prick. Please consider your options and think carefully about this relationship.