Partner wants me to earn more money

[DaryJoppins]

Partner joked yesterday that I am not earning enough and need to look at other income streams. We own a C17th cottahe that we love but needs constant expensive repairs and we aren’t able to sell yet. He earns £60k and I’m on £30k (I work 4 days a week) and our child is in nursery 4 days a week costing us a fortune. 5 days would wipe out the extra earnings if I went FT but also I think it is enough for our little one (2yo). I cherish my day off with him, it is my absolute favourite time and so precious. I was made redundant after I returned from mat leave from a high salary and now I’m on lower money. I’m a chartered professional with an MA so it’s not like I’m being completely unambiguous and lazy but I had to take a step back because of childcare. We live away from London so salaries are lower and jobs are competitive. When not working I do a few hours freelance too (social media and PR) and then I do the majority of the childcare & ALL meals (OH doesn’t lift a finger in the kitchen). I make sure his clothes are washed and our child is clean and dressed. He works very long hours but doesn’t seem to appreciate he is able to do that because I support him and make sure when he finishes a hot meal is ready and his packed lunch is ready and the food shop is done etc.

He grew up in Portugal with working parents and his mum earned more but they had grandparents doing all the extra childcare. We don’t have anyone around to help. I work my *rse off but he constantly acts like I’m lazy simply because I don’t earn enough. He jokes recently that whatever I do he’ll find fault. I do get child benefit and it helps a lot particularly now petrol is so high because it arrives halfway height the pay month. I do have a bit of a Vinted addiction (and sell on there too) but we don’t go out to the pub, restaurants, have big holidays and I always buy secondhand. Any money just seems to get sucked up on credit card debit or paying to get the house mended. OH is a scientist - PhD and high up in his field. He works for the government so pay isn’t as good as in the private sector where he could earn a lot more but it is secure and good pension etc.

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’m going to burn myself into the ground if I take on an extra job working nights or at the weekend. Has anyone had any luck earning proper money with any of those schemes such as selling
printed items on Etsy or AI videos on YouTube?

In your position I would look for a new full time job at higher wages. I would not worry about childcare constraints in the process. Once you have secured alternative, higher paying employment, discuss with him how you are going to split the childcare burden equally to enable you to do this job. Also at that point stop doing more than 50% of house activities and particularly drop anything important to him.
You are not married so you cannot afford to take part time work or child friendly low paid employment. Even if nearly all your salary is taken up in childcare costs, that is not the way to look at it. The correct way is that 50% of your salary is taken up in childcare costs, and 50% of his is too. If PT is considered, BOTH of you should drop a day. He is building up assets and pension at your expense currently and then blaming you for it.

With a bloke like this, he’d probably get his mum/sister/and woman will do round to help with childcare, and do fuck all of the housework. Leaving op to do it all after her shift. Then he would likely make her feel guilty about not spending time with her child. Then claim it was easy.

God I love to see this response - women have been their own worst enemy on this, being optimistic and full of hope until it all comes crashing down later and they find they're totally screwed (I only avoided this by the skin of my teeth, and still, he's doing way better than me now I'm out the other side - apart from his life-long issue that he's him of course)

We need to be telling the women coming up behind us about all this, begging them to hear and not make them selves any more vulnerable to their partner's whims than they have to.

Martyr?! Charming.

I was earning more before I had my child because my work was based in London and I away from home for days at a time. I can’t work away and the job market is very different outside of London.

I was going to suggest this too.

He should earn more money. Not you. He's the breadwinner and you manage the house and child, as well as bringing in a salary. £60k isn't much for working all hours and doing bugger all at home.

I only need this very important information before answering:

Are his parents Portuguese? As in, is he culturally Portuguese?

Well you could work away. If you had a decent coparent. Which you don’t. Do you think he would turn down working away a few days a week op, if it meant furthering his career? I’m gonna guess that’s a no.

Don't sell printable AI guff on Etsy. It's not especially profitable and pretty risible as an attempted artistic endeavour/income stream.

Yes he is Portuguese. He moved to the UK in 2013.

He thinks you are working 4 days and doing absolutely nothing for the rest of the time. He has no idea that when your child is not in nursery they need care and attention at all times. He thinks cooking, shopping, washing, cleaning and life admin all just happen by magic.
You need to explain this to him and then weigh up your options.
How is the house owned/paid for?
Who pays for nursery and other child related expenses and in what proportions?
You are not married so you don't have any rights to assets unless you can prove they are in joint names and you contribute equally.
If you separate you can claim child support, but a lot of men just don't pay.
Make sure you are using effective contraception.

Hi, yes he is Portuguese (moved over to the UK in 2013). His parents are both Portuguese and live over there.

Why are you with him? He sounds absolutely useless

I thought as much.

He wants to work you to the bone because it’s the cultural norm for women. It’s highly unusual to work any less than FT while ALSO being expected to do everything around the house.

Not to mention being massive mama’s boys. Good thing you don’t live over there, probably.

I pay just under half the mortgage plus I give him £500 for bills, credit card debt, nursery etc. He is oblivious to that money. I also pay equally for food. I think even if I was a millionaire he would still not think I’m pulling my weight.

You are on the deeds of the house aren't you?

Do you have sight of the bills? Where did the debt come from? Do you have equivalent pension provision and savings? What about savings for the baby?

Oh my gosh, someone who understands! His poor mum literally cooks lunch for the brother everyday plus most suppers. It’s so bizarre yet she was the breadwinner but now she’s retired is still treated like some housemaid. Not sure if you have experience of how aggressively loud they are too?

Your DH is being completely unreasonable, if he is not aware of the work you put in to support his role you need to make him aware NOW.
I always said if I was in this bind, despite being university educated i would home school and take the qualifications to mind and teach other children at the same time- childcare is hideously expensive, the only way i could see to beat them is to join them. Instead of spending one day with your DC you could spend 4 days with your DC and others and still have a day alone as well, unless you are a stockbroker or something if you took in half a dozen children i reckon you would make far more money than you do now.

I promise we just sound angry, most times we aren’t 😭😭😭😭😭

If he’s oblivious, then absolutely stop giving it. You will need it as your getaway fund.

doesn’t seem to appreciate he is able to do that because I support him and make sure when he finishes a hot meal is ready and his packed lunch is ready and the food shop is done etc.
So stop cooking, doing his packed lunch (what is he five?!) and food shopping for him.
Maybe he'll 'appreciate' you a bit more then.

These really are the worst type of men. Expect everything and give nothing in return.

Hmm yes know the type. I think you need a firm talk that before you think about finding more paid work you need to see how it would pan out with him taking on 50% of the burden of household and childcare tasks as that is what it would involve. Suggest a 4 month trial period and present him with a list of what you do and what you think it would be fair to transfer to him. Suggest you sit down in 4 months time to review how it has gone. I imagine he wont like it and might not do it which gives you the ammo to say that until he pulls his weight you can't increase your earnings.

You could also point out that there are plenty of better remunerated roles in the private sector for scientific PhDs - I know I'm married to one and he earns way more in fintech....

Wow. In my next life remind me to come back as a Portuguese man.

If you do not have a civil partnership or marriage certificate you are extremely vulnerable financially as others have said. In the absence of these you need a full time well paying job as, in the event of any split, you are highly unlikely to be entitled to any personal financial support from your partner other than basic child support and no share in his assets.

No woman without the legal protection of marriage, civil partnership or other legal contract protections should IMO take the massive personal and financial risks of childbearing and lesser earnings. And do you have wills, life insurance etc to secure your child’s future if one of you dies? Who owns your home?

As others have said, if you didn’t discuss it before, you need to discuss respective contributions now. If he doesn’t see that your domestic and childcare tasks have value, then that’s fine, but it means that he will have to do it or finance his share if you are to stop doing them to earn more.